One Sentence Summary: Chris steps on as many people as he can on his way to the finish line.
Rachel: I will be honest that I cannot remember a single thing from the previews for this week. In fact, I can’t even remember if they had previews for this week. Oh wait, I vaguely recall something about Chris hooking up or was it Ed… or was it Chris and Ed… Anyway, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that now that Reid is gone, an evil plotting phoenix will rise in his place. And I fear that this phoenix will be named Kalon. Never mind that his name is spelled suspiciously close to “talon”, but he’s been too quiet. He’s been too busy cuddling with Lindzi. He’s plotting something. I feel it in my gut. But it might just be heartburn. Food for thought…
Melissa: OK, you know it’s going to be a bad night when my DVR is boycotting recording Bachelor Pad. I have no clue why, but it’s not happy about this week for some reason. Which sadly means I have to watch this silliness live… without any option of pausing for sustenance… Like some Sauvignon Blanc. Keep in mind I’m also quite annoyed that the spouse and son are in the other room watching Shark Week while I sit here and watch a feeding of another less exciting kind. So here I am, bottle on the table and glass in hand. Let’s play.
After the Roses
Rachel’s What Happened: The players return from another “shocking” rose ceremony, and obviously the alliance that was teamed up with Reid & Donna is shocked at the results. Beware the Bachelor Pad, she is a fickle mistress. Jaclyn & Ed, on the other hand, are celebrating their victory. Jaclyn feels like it’s a double victory if she walks off into the sunset with Ed when this is all over. Hmm… Call me cynical, but I just don’t see this happening. David, the last fan standing, is wondering who went “rogue” on them. Jamie tells him it was Kalon & Lindzi because they have the “couples alliance” thing going on. This is bad news for Jamie who has no partner, neither in the bedroom nor out of the bedroom. Well, she was only talking about the latter, but I think the former is probably a fair assessment as well. David is willing to get her back if she gets his. You mean like you got Blakeley’s after she got her yours last week… Oh wait.
Chris Harrison is back and he’s got some news. They are not done for the night. A gentleman drops off clipboards that have surveys on them. Chris says the surveys ask some very personal and tough question. He encourages them to be very honest. Repeat on the “very”. Yeah, because honestly trashing someone makes for far more interesting TV than using any kind of tact or decorum. Class? Who needs class? Not these kids. Kalon lets us know that he’s ready to trash Erica Rose. Here we go!
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s time to play Gameshow Mashup with your host Chris Harrison! Bachelor Pad contestants, come on down! The game will have two rounds of questions. The first round is Love & Romance Trivia. Round 2 is Who Said That where the surveys they filled out come into play. The guy & girl with the highest scores will be safe in tonight’s elimination. The guy & girl with the lowest scores will go into the elimination with one vote against them.
And here we go… The first round is all about who sang what song, where airports are located & trivia from Bachelors/Bachelorettes past. Sarah is rocking the answers and Chris is loudly cheering for her. This is not music to Blakeley’s ears. Well, darling, maybe answer a question correctly and he’ll cheer for you too. Or maybe not. Sarah takes round 1 and Jaclyn is close behind.
Time for Round 2 – Time to guess which dude said what about the ladies. Also known as the round where feelings start to get hurt. First question is which guy said that they are the most accomplished person in the house. Really? Softball pitch to give the ladies a false sense of security. Is there any doubt it’s Kalon? Well, I guess so since they all said Ed except for Rachel who guessed Kalon. I like how she thinks… must be the name. Really? Ed is the correct answer? He’s accomplished what? Drinking the most scotch? Well, I’m just gonna button up my pie hole now and let the ladies play. Another Ed question. Then Nick gets outed for saying that Blakeley has accomplished the least in life. Yipes. You had better sleep with one eye open, dude. The game win comes down to Jaclyn & Sarah for the rose. The question is, “Who had sexy thoughts when he first saw the girls in their rhythmic gymnastics outfits?” Sexy thoughts? LOL… Who says that? David apparently and not that surprisingly. And with that, Jaclyn gets the rose.
Time for the boys. Oh and time for tears. You know someone is going to cry because they got thrown under the bus. And then there’s Jamie who is going to cry for doing the throwing. She’s such a nutter. Don’t say something if you’re not going to own it. Not on this show. You put it on paper in black & white. Did you really think the producers were going to keep it a secret and only tell it to their diaries? “Dear Diary, Jamie thinks Jaclyn is fake. I wonder if I tell Jaclyn if she’ll let me sit at the lunch table with her tomorrow.” Grow up.
Anywho, first round of nonsense questions goes to Michael, even though Ed knew how many other people are with you in a menage a trois. Look at the big brain on Brad! Clearly, I love that they brought up “On The Wings Of Love”, but would have been far happier had they actually played a clip of the song. Damn you, ABC! It’s not nice to tease a girl!
Time for Who Said That… Strap in & put your beverages in a sippy cup, kiddies. It’s about to get bumpy. First question reveals that Blakeley has slept with nine guys, though it took her three guesses to figure it out. Anyone else think she might have taken a few liberties with that count to lower it for the TV viewing audience? Mom, Dad, only 9. Well there you go, she just said she lied. Yeah, thanks for letting us in on that top secret information. And then Jamie gets outed for saying Jaclyn is the most manipulative and lies constantly. She immediately turns around and tells Jaclyn that she’ll explain after the game. Yeah, that should give you enough time to come up with a perfectly believable explanation that has no resemblance to the statement “because it was true.” But first Jamie has to find out who said she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason. She hopes it’s Jaclyn so she can get out of the hot seat, but you know it’s not. It’s Blakeley. Shocker! And it’s time for the winner… Ed! Rachel & David got the lowest scores and now each have a vote against them. I think Jamie should probably be more worried than Rachel. As for David (aka – The Biggest Threat No Mas), hope you’ve enjoyed your time with us. Back to being a fan. I’m calling it now. Then again, I’m not doing so well on my bold predictions tonight… So maybe David shouldn’t pack his bags just yet.
Melissa: It’s the Game Show!! They’re nervous about answering honestly? That’s shocking… Why because you forgot you put your name on the top and you live with catty bitches? Oh, this is just dumb… Until they get to the pot-stirring questions. OK, now I’ll start enjoying this. Ew, Erica eats her hair?? That’s gross, my belly is twisting.
For real, how is it that they know so many dumb questions? Yeah, the whoopie question. And really, we have to know girls want to dump their current partner for Chris because he’s so hot? There goes my wine! OK, why don’t these women understand what the hell happens in this house? While we’re at it, I don’t get why people think this is life or death. You aren’t curing cancer, kids. You’re making fools of yourselves for $250K. Let’s call it like it is, shall we?
Rachel’s What Happened: And so begin the appeals from Jamie to all the guys in hopes of getting them to let her stay. Kalon gives her positive reinforcement and then tells us it’s just like how you pet a dog’s head before you put them down. Uh, hello? Evil? Yes, this is Hell calling. We’d like you to stop imitating the Devil, please. He is not amused.
Meanwhile, Chris is not thrilled with the mood in the house. Jamie is distraught and he isn’t trying to deal with that mess. You mean the one you have a part in creating? Then there’s Blakeley who is not happy that he cheered for Sarah & not for her. She’s not feeling very partner-ific right now. And he feels like he’s in junior high again. Imagine how we feel watching this, Chris.
Melissa: I’m just done with you Chris. For real. You feel like you’re in junior high because you have the mental capacity of a… No, I can’t even say that. You have the mental capacity of a tick. I truly wish there were call-in votes because I would have the biggest phone tree to vote your no-lip-having ass off. You annoy the hell out of me. Why? Because you truly believe you are God’s gift to women and I have NO CLUE how you managed to get that idea into your brain. I can’t believe I’m missing sharks for you.
Rachel: Uh, I blame Emily… at least partially. How many times did she tell him how hot he is? I’m thinking it was just enough to get him drinking his own Kool-Aid even more than he was to begin with. Yeah, I’d get on that phone tree with you, sister.
Rachel’s What Happened: Yep, date number one and we are only 30 minutes in yet again. Why oh why? I shake my fists at you, Reality TV gods! Anywhooters, it’s Jaclyn’s date and Sarah might be more excited than Jaclyn. Why you ask? Well, because Sarah is excited that Jaclyn will be out of the house for an entire night, which means she can get her Ed on. Then she can get the date with him the next night & get the rose. Too bad Jaclyn isn’t whistling Sarah’s tune and opts to take her partner, Ed, on the date. Foiled again, Sarah.
Off they go to Dodger Stadium for an afternoon of playing with balls…. which isn’t much different than what they’d be doing back at the mansion. It is pretty cool to be in the stadium alone. I’d dig that date. Well up until the part where he almost takes her head off with a fly ball.
That night, they have a picnic at the stadium find a note in the basket saying that Jaclyn has to give the date rose to another guy in the house since Ed already has one. That guy will be safe AND get Ed’s date tomorrow. Dayum, I bet Ed didn’t see that one coming. You know he thought he was getting hooked up two nights in a row. Whoops. But really the most shocking part of the date is that they actually eat the food. Nope, Emily Rules don’t play here. The Bachelor Pad cast can do more than longingly stare at the food and listen to their stomach lining eat itself. As for the date rose, Ed wants to give it to Chris. And Jaclyn wants to give it to Kalon. These are the options? Strategically though, I’m with Jaclyn on this one.
Melissa: Wait, now Sarah wants to hang out with Ed again, whom she’s voted off how many times now? Woman, he’s not going to touch you. Are you that dense that you can’t get this through your skull?? Oh geez, am I seriously trying to apply logic where logic doesn’t apply?? My bad, must be the wine talking. Anywho, of course Jaclyn is going to take Ed. He’s her hook up. STFU Sarah, he’s done with you… Move on. YOU VOTED FOR HIM TO LEAVE! Oh Lord, I think Roseanne sounded better than these two singing! Hey, can I raise my hand in answer to your question? Yeah, I actually don’t have a crush on Ed. My money is on Sarah to go all bunny boiler over Ed. Um, “romance” hasn’t happened, my dear. Sex happened. So now Ed doesn’t get a date? That sucks for him if he had someone else in mind. Speaking of, I can’t wait to see how pissed Sarah is going to be.
The Crazy Continues
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the house, Sarah is telling Erica that she’s bummed Ed is with Jaclyn tonight. Being that the two of them only hooked up once, it’s not right that Jaclyn thinks she won Ed over. I mean Sarah hooked up with him once too! I mean it’s like so totally not cool. Dear Lord, what grade are these girls in? Is this conversation actually happening? Maybe Sarah should have given Ed a hickey when they hooked up so she actually had proof that she had claimed him. I mean who doesn’t know that you have to brand a man to keep him? Duh!
Chris is still playing the avoid game with Blakeley who is still bitching about him not cheering for her. OK, you know I don’t want to give Chris any slack on his douche-baggery, but I have to agree that it’s out of control at this point. Yes, he brought it on himself, but come one, shut up, Blakeley! It’s your incessant prattling that put you in this predicament in the first place.
And as if we haven’t had enough of Chris’s ego trip, he tells us that he wants to have fun tonight and he knows Jamie’s desperate. So off he goes to find her and take her somewhere “strategic” to kiss her. Are you going to take her into the closet for 7 minutes in Heaven? I guess so because they’re already back in the kitchen with Jamie putting her best spin move on him. She likes a guy that’s “not easy to catch”. Oy lady, you are 50 shades of desperation and that might actually be more offensive than the 50 Shades of Grey books. But she’s so happy to be in this gorgeous man’s arms – clearly her words, not mine. He’s a little less, um, excited being that she won’t stop talking and her kisses have no “spark”. I say it again, imagine how it feels for us.
Melissa: I’m almost giddy from the news that’s about to drop on Sarah that I’m not so annoyed with the snippets of Chris being the Duke of Massengilldom. Come on Jamie, why do you throw yourself at him? It’s embarrassing for us watching.
EEEEWWW, why do we have to see the night vision of Chris’s “moves”. Come on producers, I really don’t want my dinner repeating on me. I can’t even begin to imagine her reaction when she sees this. Maybe then she’ll be smart enough to be completely skeeved like the rest of us. Of course it will be far too late for her to do anything about it… Well, until she shows up on the next season of Bachelor Pad.
And The Other Winner Is…
Rachel’s What Happened: The next morning Jamie is telling Rachel how amazing her time with Chris was last night. He really likes her and he might even ask her to go steady. It’s so wonderful to have someone be feeling that way about her. Um, you might want to hold on to your knickers there sweetheart because I think you’re about to get a whole different feeling once the next date is announced.
And speaking of which, Ed & Jaclyn are back to give out the “extra” date rose. They discussed it in depth and decided to give Chris the date rose for saving her last week. Uh, someone ‘splain me how he saved her last week? I thought Kalon was the deciding vote and he saved Blakeley? These kids make my head spin, though it’s only going to be a mild case compared to the one Jamie gets when Chris announces his date choice… Sarah. Damn Chris, are you trying to get your balls cut off? First you piss of Blakeley and now Jamie too? As if not taking your partner wasn’t going to be enough of a target on your back. Good luck and godspeed. But clearly he’s not thinking with the head on his shoulders.
Blakeley wants reassurance about their partnership. He’s not promising her that he’s going to be her partner to the end. She thinks he’s a snake in the grass. Ya think?
And now it’s Jamie’s turn to confront the situation. He tells her that he dissed Blakeley which is somehow supposed to make Jamie feel better. He wishes he could take her on the date (no he doesn’t), but he just can’t. Jamie understands. I don’t. Why can’t he take you? Oh yeah, because he doesn’t want to. But you can pretend it’s an “alliance” thing and he is protecting Blakeley’s feelings. You know because Chris doesn’t want to cause pain for his own pleasure. He would rather protect her from Blakeley by taking Sarah on a date and that makes him a great man. You have to be shitting me with that rationalization. Wow, you’re naive. Or maybe just plain stupid. Yeah, I’m going with stupid.
Melissa: Sweet Mary, how old is Jamie? She’s acting like she’s 17. Gee, you held hands… That’s awesome. That for sure means True Love Always. That’s right, chase after him and make yourself look like more of an ass.
I can’t believe I have to watch an entire “Chris Night”. Oh snap, Sarah up for the date… Hee hee. I really wish these women would just turn on him and shank him in the pool house. OMFG, how dumb is Jamie?? Come on, you can’t be that stupid. Really, it’s not normal. He isn’t loyal. He isn’t trustworthy. He’s an ass hat.
Rachel’s What Happened: Sarah is excited for her date because Chris is so good looking. Are these women looking at the same person as I am? Or is there some filter on the camera that makes him lipless and wholly unattractive? I just don’t get it. He looks like a weasel. And he acts like a weasel. I guess that would make him a weasel.
So the date… They show up in an abandoned parking lot with no one else around. Well, no one other than the driver of the car and the camera guy. They’re wondering if they’re not really getting a date when the car takes off and starts speeding through the garage and taking turns only a stunt driver could manage. Hey, maybe it’s Arie here to steal another woman from Chris. That would be an awesome date…. for me! Perfect date to be wearing a strapless dress by the way. How many wardrobe malfunctions almost happened on that ride?
Well, it’s not Arie that opens the car door. It’s a stunt coordinator welcoming them to their Hollywood Action date. How mad is Ed going to be now that he missed this? Sarah & Ed are going to be making their own action film. Again, good thing she’s wearing a strapless dress for all those roundhouse kicks she’s doing. Thankfully, she has 3 years of Kung Fu training which helps her not kick Chris in the face… until she kicks him in the face. They film their scenes in wardrobe and end it with a kiss.
Next up, champagne on a rooftop somewhere in LA. Chris tells Sarah that if he had a date rose, he’d give it to her. She would like a rose, but she’s more interested in finding love. And maybe that will be with Chris. He clearly has proven his loyalty and he’s going to be a great partner in this game. OK, I am officially banging my head against the wall now. Please make it stop. Please. These women are mental midgets. They’re the Lollipop Guild of Brains.
Cue ubiquitous hot tub scene and more Chris hooking up. Gag. But I guess it’s just me that’s not enjoying the scene since Sarah asks Chris decide to get a room. Yes please, get a room and go there immediately…. without cameras. And way to be a lady there, Sarah. Nothing says long-term dating prospect like sleeping with a guy on the first date… again. This is exciting for Chris. It’s like trading in two old cars for one new car and getting that awesome new car smell. Ah yes, way to be respectful to women. How proud your mother must be now. I have a feeling there will not be an Oom-pah band waiting for you on this arrival home.
Melissa: Looks like Sarah wore the wrong top for the date. I wish she would have broken his nose with that roundhouse. OK, maybe it’s just me… All these women are saying Chris is “so hot”… I don’t get it. Then again, I’m one of those people who thinks a person can be attractive, but the more asshole-y they are, the less attractive they become.
You’re The Bitch. No You Are.
Rachel’s What Happened: Blakeley is giving the warning that if you betray her then she feels sorry for you. And by “you”, she means Chris. Ah, the plotting begins. But before Project Revenge can begin, Chris Harrison shows up with a rose. Seems that while Chris won the date, he didn’t win the date rose. That is still Ed’s to give out. Oh boy. Let the jockey-ing begin.
As the women discuss who they think will get the rose, Ed rolls in, grabs it and rolls back out. Well, Blakeley & Jamie, I think that answers part of the question. You know, the part that says it’s not you. He gives the rose to Rachel because of his trust and friendship with her. I think he should have given it to Lindzi which is like giving it to Kalon since they are the unaligned team. But I like Rachel, so it’s all good. Jaclyn tells Blakeley & Jamie that this was her decision as well. Regretting those game show answers, aren’t you Jamie?
So now, Jamie has to break up Chris & Blakeley in order to stay and keep him for herself. Yeah, they’re already pretty much on the rocks and he’s already moved on from you, genius. But let’s have ourselves a cat fight in the meantime. Jamie tells Blakeley that Chris was with her last night, but before she can finish whatever deep thought was coming next, Blakeley cuts her off. She thinks Jamie’s sweet but she’s not buying her camaraderie act. They’re not friends. Jamie agrees. But if they’re not friends then she doesn’t owe Blakeley an explanation of why she was with Chris behind her back. And it goes around & around which is hilarious because Chris couldn’t care less about anyone in that room. But Blakeley finally clues in that Chris isn’t trustworthy and she’s done. The hands they are a-washed. Jamie, on the other hand, is still living in her own fantasy world where she is waiting for Chris to come home so she can tell him that they can be together all the time. You know since he’s so lovable and trust-worthy, which she tells Ed & Nick while spinning around like a teenager. OK, I’m serious now. This chick is so phenomenally off the rails that I don’t even believe it.
Melissa: Maybe NOW they’ll get the story straight and shank that bitch tonight. No, because Jamie is all excited for Chris to come home… though Chris & Sarah getting a room isn’t really going to work into those plans. Oh, this is brilliant. Lovable, respectable and loyal… Yeah, that’s your boy Chris. HA! How does he go to sleep with a peaceful mind? That statement always reminds me of Hugh Grant in 2 Weeks Notice, “Well, I have a machine that simulates the sound of the ocean.”
Rachel’s What Happened: The sun is up and Sarah & Chris are still MIA. Blakeley says he’s clearly showed his character & he’s rat. I thought he was a snake. Oh he’s a rat & a snake. Got it.
Cue the happy couple returning home all giggles and bed-head. They say they had a crazy night. As they share the details of their date, Jamie lets us know that she is hurt that he would cuddle with her & then spend the next night in a hotel room with another girl. Yeah, how’s the loyalty working for you now? Can you now see that he’s a douche nozzle? She wonders how he sleeps peacefully at night. Well, usually because most nights it’s postcoitally.
Chris Harrison is back in the house to prepare everyone for the impending rose ceremony. But first, he’d like to hear what’s going in the house from Sarah. She gives us the the rundown of who has roses. Thanks for that. Then Chris asks if David feels nervous about being the last fan standing. He says yes and for good reason. I can’t imagine he’s staying another week already having a vote against him, but let’s see him put his scheming to work. I think he should be voted off for that tie & shirt combo to begin with. He starts with Jaclyn who says she’d save him over Nick. And another outfit that is elimination-worthy. Wow, what were you thinking Jaclyn?
Off goes David to work his magic. He tells Blakeley that her saving him only helps her in the long run. He tells Jamie pretty much the same thing. He gets Michael to talk to “his girls” on his behalf. However, there’s Erica who isn’t trying to keep a fan around, neither are Lindzi or Rachel. Guess Michael didn’t get to his girl in time.
Nick gets wind of the work David is doing to get him booted from the house and goes on his own crusade. He tells Jamie that if she votes for David, he’ll vote for Blakeley. Jamie is torn. She is also drinking water out of a wine glass. Why? Don’t deface a beautiful vessel of wine like that. Anyway, he’s persuasive enough to get Jamie to agree to vote off David and feels like he’s got the swing vote…. except that she turns around and makes David the same promise. In the voting room, she keeps her word to David and votes for Nick.
Chris is enjoying his efforts to get Blakeley voted off the island. He knows Ed is the swing vote and he knows Ed owes him his loyalty. He’ll listen to whatever Chris says. Michael, however, is not playing Chris’s game and says that he’s not going to vote for Blakeley. They were partners and she was part of their strategic alliance. Chris says he wants Jamie to stay because she’ll have his back. God, I hope she’s not that stupid.
Seems that Chris’s scheming is rubbing some people on his team the wrong way. Kalon, who apparently is not the evil rising phoenix I thought he was going to be, says that he’s stayed neutral through this and is now just telling people what they want to hear. Ah, so he remains the evil underground phoenix. Fair. That means it’s time for him to have a chat with Chris who is unknowingly walking around with a target on his back. Kalon plays up Chris’s ego by agreeing with him about him being in charge. Oh, yeah, Chris is so setting himself up for failure. See boys, this is what happens when you only listen to the little head.
Even Ed is starting to question whether to vote Blakeley or Jamie out. So, he thinks he should talk to Kalon to get his thoughts straight. Kalon admits he’s been playing both sides against the middle and says that he would never lie to Lindzi. So whatever she told Ed is the truth. I’d like to hope that’s real. And finally, Ed goes to Chris and says that he shouldn’t be shaking up the alliance. He says that Kalon is voting for Jamie. Ed says he’s not. So now the three of them have to get together. And Kalon goes back to voting for Blakeley. And since he looks Ed in the eye and says it, it must be true. Chris feels like this makes him the most powerful guy in the house. Sadly Chris, it’s Kalon. He’s playing it was cooler than you and everyone thinks he’s on their side. And that, my friend, is strategy… especially when he goes and votes for Jamie. I kinda wish he would have gone “muhahaha” when he did it. That would have really made the moment.
Melissa: Whoa, what’s with the Pretty Woman dress Jaclyn? I mean Julia barely pulled that one off. You’re seriously pushing your fashion luck. I also don’t care for Nick’s plotting. Well, maybe I just don’t care for it because I think he needs to get back home to get a conditioning treatment for that hair. Um Chris, you have a plan for winning and people should listen to you if they want a chance at winning? Can you even begin to understand that you sound like a complete moron? Is it just me and my lack of tolerance for him at this stage, or is that a ridiculous statement?
The Rose Ceremony
Rachel’s What Happened: My head is spinning with all the back & forth tonight. I’m just glad it’s time to get this over with. Uh, Blakeley just said that if she’s here tomorrow she’s going to donkey punch Chris in the throat. Well, let me say that I am now officially rooting for Blakeley. That would be AWESOME!
Staying: Rachel, Chris, Jaclyn, Ed, Sarah, Kalon, Lindzi, Michael, Erica, Tony, Blakeley, Nick
Who’s Out: David & Jamie
Don-key-punch! Don-key-punch! Say it with me folks! Sorry, I couldn’t be happier to see Chris get his ego crushed…. again. Learning the way of the alliance the hard way. His two best friends lied to him and now he can’t trust anyone. Welcome to Bachelor Pad, Chris. On the way out, Jamie tells Chris that the way he treats girls is not okay. Chris says she’s saying things she’s going to regret. She says he’s going to regret it. And there’s the Chris temper. From the top to the bottom in one fell swoop there big guy. Oh yeah, and Dave left too.
Melissa: I also want Blakeley to stay so she can donkey punch Chris in the throat. That would earn you some mad props from me, my dear… MAD PROPS!!!
Jamie, good on you girl for standing up for yourself… Finally.
Rachel: Wow, why is Lindzi on this show? Has she said more than 3 words the entire time?
Melissa: YES, a donkey punch is coming!! Picture me doing the Snoopy Dance. Watch yourself Chris. I know I’ll be watching now. I might even forego the wine just so I’m perfectly clearheaded to watch it all happen. Ha, who am I kidding.