One Sentence Summary: Sonja is back in New York and taking her opinions out on everyone.
Rachel: Well, I’m officially back and on-schedule-ish this week folks. However, I am admittedly still scarred by Granpappy Perv and feeling uneasy about an episode titled “You Want Me To What In The Where?” I feel like Bravo is trying to go all sexy Skinemax on me and is failing miserably. Isn’t it enough that we have to watch Sonja hit on plumbers and witness Ramona seduce her husband in lingerie? Do we have to have this assault on our senses as well? But maybe I should look at this through positivity glasses and assume that it can only get better after last week, right? I mean how could it get worse? Never mind. Don’t answer that. Well, if the positivity glasses don’t work out, at least I have wine glasses – Yes, plural. Thank you Kim Crawford for your Sauvignon Blanc tonight. You may be my only friend…
Can You Pop My “J”?
Rachel’s What Happened: After a disappointing first meeting with Sonja about her logo, Heather & her team are back to present Round 2. But this time Sonja has invited Ramona to give her opinion on the logos as well. What a fun surprise for Heather! Um, anyone really think she’s going to like anything presented today? Magic 8-Ball says “Don’t count on it.” They start by showing Sonja – and by Sonja, I mean Ramona – options on the female silhouette. Ramona likes the first one but really can’t see much of a difference between the options. Well, that’s great but the team doesn’t want to use the silhouette at all. Yeah, then don’t show it. What does Sonja think? No one cares. Next, they show her a type treatment that is, sorry to say, pretty boring and completely ignores Sonja’s request to make the “j” stand out. This is going well. Apparently, Sonja forgot she approved this type treatment at the last meeting (So we’re presenting it again, why?), and with Ramona barking about how it doesn’t reflect her personality, the odds are her memory isn’t going to come back. Never mind that Ramona completely undermines Heather by reminding her that her memory is a sieve. Can’t ever miss the opportunity for a dig, can you? Oh sorry, didn’t realize you were on a call, Ramona. We’ll all wait… Once Ramona wraps up her call & the meeting starts again, the design team presents their ideas for Sonja’s Toaster Oven packaging. It’s a half-naked guy holding a microwave. Couldn’t find a stock photo of a toaster oven? And how is that remotely intelligent marketing? Ramona hates it. I have to agree with Ramona here and that really pisses me off.
Teepees, Tomahawks & Tribes
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh great, two Ramona scenes in a row. Where’s that bottle of wine? She is meeting Mario at Le Cirque with their $1400 bottle of Chateau Margaux and giving the sommelier very strict instructions on how to open it. Perhaps the sommelier, whose sole job it is is to know about wine, might be able to handle it. What’s the occasion for such an expensive bottle? Seems she is hosting a dinner for everyone except Heather. And what better way to make it all the more of an “f” you than to share a very exclusive bottle of wine with the group? Oh you devil, Ramona. I’m sure Heather’s at home crying right now.
Right off the bat, Aviva brings up Ramona’s favorite subject – her ex Harry – and tells everyone that they were married at Le Cirque. Good to know. I’m sure everyone at the table feels better having been given that information. Too bad Heather’s missing this.
But with anything Housewives, we can’t let the inappropriate conversation start & end with Harry. No, we need to take it to the next level and discuss LuAnn’s Native American heritage by using words like “Indian” & “savage”. They also use the word “aborigine” which Ramona feels is for Australians and, from the look on Carole’s face, she feels is insulting. However, being as industrious as I am, I looked it up and LuAnn is correct that it is the term used in Canada for indigenous people. After LuAnn then says “American Indian”, Carole corrects her and says that no one uses that term anymore. You know what would have been awesome, if LuAnn had just used some of that etiquette she’s always preaching about and just agreed to disagree and moved on? But no, that couldn’t happen. Instead she has to make very stereotypical “Indian” sounds and warn everyone about a scalping. This makes Carole uncomfortable, but LuAnn says she can say it because she is of that descent. Look, it’s not couth, but I get where LuAnn is coming from. I’m Jewish, and right or wrong, I have been known to make a crack here and there using a Jewish stereotype. Is it the classiest or most intelligent of moments in my life? Clearly not. But is that just how it goes in this world? Yep. Some things just are what they are. Kinda like you can pick on your little brother or sister, but when someone else does, you want to take them behind the school and give them a good ass whooping… or in LuAnn’s case, scalping. I agree we should all be respectful of other religions, creeds, nationalities, etc, but we all also need to take a deep breath & relax every now & again. OK, off the soapbox. What’s next?
Ah yes, the wine. Mario introduces the wine and gives Jacques a quiz as a bit of a retaliation for pulling that trick on Ramona a few weeks back. Jacques takes it quite well, gives everyone a bit of background on the exclusivity of the wine and thanks the Singers for sharing it with the table. However, Mario was clearly looking for a little more of a battle and takes Jacques to task for trying to embarrass his wife. Jacques says it wasn’t the intention, but Mario won’t let it go. I’m waiting for him to say, “Come on you French pussy! Let’s rumble!” OK, maybe not. Well, a little. Now, either I’ve had too much wine of my own, or Ramona actually becomes the voice of reason and puts a stop to the conversation. Peace is achieved and everyone moves on to some other uncomfortable topic I assume. Thankfully, Bravo pulls the cord on dinner for those of us at home.
Ham It Up
Rachel’s What Happened: Well, lookie here. It’s Harry Dubin in the flesh. Aviva brings their son Harrison to see his dad. Seems the kid does a “butt dance”, which his father’s company has animated and is now being done by a cartoon pig named Poopy. Yes, Poopy the Pig app coming to a smartphone near you. Mmhmm… father & son bonding in the new millenium. Gives new meaning to “Piggly Wiggly”.
Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh
Rachel’s What Happened: LuAnn & Sonja meet for lunch and LuAnn asks what Sonja thinks about her having another child. Sonja says that women are having babies in their 40’s but the reality is that sometimes they don’t “stick”. She tells LuAnn that she had a miscarriage in her 4th month toward the end of her marriage. That actually makes me sad to hear. With all of Sonja’s craziness, I do think she has a good heart. LuAnn says that she knows she needs to get going on this if it’s really going to happen, but knows it’s not a deal breaker with Jacques if it doesn’t. Sonja seems wary of the situation and thinks maybe LuAnn really wants to keep Jacques more than she wants to have a baby. Gee, ya think? Does anyone actually think that LuAnn wants to breast feed & tote a snotty kid around on her hip? If you’re out there let me know. But LuAnn gives puts on her best “This is totally what I want” face, but Sonja still looks skeptical. And clearly, having seen the previews, Sonja’s skepticism isn’t momentary as it comes spewing out like Mt. Vesuvius all over Jacques later tonight.
Sonja Two Ways
Rachel’s What Happened: Sonja stops by one of Heather’s photo shoots to talk about the previous meeting Heather & Sonja had about her branding… with LuAnn there for back up. I’m confused. How is that helpful? Heather is feeling ambushed by Ramona being at the last meeting and disrespected for the amount of work she’s done for Sonja. Yet, having LuAnn there to back you up isn’t the same thing? I mean Sonja & LuAnn are friends, but still… This should be interesting. Heather and her design partner (whom I’m sure has said his name 100 times and yet I don’t remember it) say they were insulted by Ramona’s presence. Sonja says too bad. She’s the client and that’s her prerogative. Yeah, I’m with Heather on this one. If you’re not paying, you’re not a client. You’re someone getting a favor done so have some respect for the person doing you the favor, though I do think she should get what she wants in the end, favor or not. So bringing Ramona to a meeting is not cool. Kind of a no brainer there. Heather tries to back out all-together, but Sonja calls her a quitter and essentially bullies her into continuing to work for her… not with her, for her. Heather goes and gets LuAnn to come in to try & make some peace and essentially loses all credibility with her “don’t bring other people into the presentations” argument. Now, I feel badly for Sonja. Let the woman have her ideas heard. Lord, this is annoying. I’ve spent 15 years in creative meetings and I’m pretty sure bullying your client (or friend you’re doing a favor for) is never the best tack to take. Just saying… And I think Mark (I got the name!) finally gets that. He gives in to Sonja and I’m guessing heads directly to the bar immediately afterwards.
Two Splendas & A Little Bit Of Milk
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole’s neighbor, Tripp, brings her her daily coffee. Apparently, he is in charge of getting her a cup of coffee every day. How come I don’t have neighbors like that? She tells him that she needs an assistant. She wants someone young, eager & inexpensive. He thinks it might be more trouble than it’s worth. I think maybe she should talk to Sonja? She’ll have some pointers. She’s got the market cornered on slave labor.
Love Is In The Air
Rachel’s What Happened: Apparently it’s the holidays and LuAnn is hosting a coat drive with Life & Style magazine. Wow, I had no idea what time of year it was, but I wasn’t thinking it was the holidays. I don’t know why I’m finding this shocking, but I am. LuAnn asks Ramona if she’s upset about the wine party incident, but Ramona would rather bury it and not engage. LuAnn, however, keeps pressing her which is like poking a wild beast. If Ramona is willing to let something go, for the love of all that is holy, let it go! Why do you want to set Crazy Eyes off? But LuAnn keeps going and wants Ramona to say that she knows it was just a game. Ramona, however, is “holding the fifth.” Yeah, unless you have a fifth of vodka in your hand, I’m thinking you mean you’re “pleading” the fifth… as in amendment… which means you don’t want to incriminate yourself. Not sure that makes sense, but let’s move on before her head pops off please.
Aaaaaand there are three men with mohawks walking in the door saying they are the Countess’s band. Yeah, that’s far more interesting than Ramona and her fifth. This looks like it could be more disastrous than the performance at Aviva & Reid’s party. LuAnn wants the girls to sing Jingle Bells with her and I’m pretty sure now that we will have another debacle of a music performance happening tonight. I wish these women would leave music to other people… You know, like actual people with talent.
And speaking of fifths, seems Miss Sonja has downed one or two and is feeling no pain. She’s also feeling no filter between her brain & her mouth so when Jacques walks over she starts in on him about marrying LuAnn. Sonja doesn’t believe Jacque’s intentions are true and she loves LuAnn more than she loves him. Um, ok. Oh wait, I’m sorry. That wasn’t the crazy part. The crazy part is when she tells him that LuAnn is of a certain age and they need to have a baby right away. Besides, he’s Jewish and everyone knows Jewish men want to have babies. What temple has she been visiting? This is a fact about my people I know nothing about. And now the tears. Ah yes, Sonja just doesn’t want to see LuAnn hurt like she was hurt. Jacques gets credit for handling yet another attack with class. Sonja is telling him to get out if he’s not serious and he’s telling her he understands that she cares about her friend. And people say the French are rude.
And since not everyone in the room is uncomfortable, let’s bring on the band! The girls are going to sing Jingle Bells… Well, Carole is going to jingle actual bells and Aviva is going to mouth the words since she’s not sure she actually knows the lyrics. Is that actually possible? Can you be in your 40’s and not be able to work out the words to Jingle Bells? The song goes off without a hitch (if you don’t take being in tune into consideration) and everyone’s feeling the holiday spirit… until the band decides to end it by screaming “I want to f**k you in the ass!” into a megaphone. Well, I suppose that is a spirit to feel of some sort. Alrighty then. Happy holidays to all and all a good night.
Rachel: Oh no! Granpappy Perv is back next week. Why? Why oh why oh why? I think I need to start drinking now.