Real Housewives of New York, Season 5 Week 9: Dirty Ol’ Dad

One Sentence Summary:  Sonja finally finds a man she doesn’t want to make fast friends with.

I’ll need another half dozen for the long night fighting off Paw-Paw McGraw.

Our Thoughts: 

Melissa:  Oh boy, it’s the week sure to make my eye twitch in skeeviness of Aviva’s father’s advances.  Sonja finally meets George, and we all know how Sonja likes her men – will there be a love connection?  I’m just really going to put this out there, and I mean absolutely no offense to any of them, but I don’t know a single friend’s Father that I’d want to hook up with, nor do I think any of my friends would ever even think of suggesting it.

Rachel:  I’m back… I’m finally back.  Sorry I’m back so late, but every now and again, I am forced to venture out into the real world and do my job.  Yeah, it’s cruel and unusual punishment, but at least it’s cruel in Los Angeles.  Some might not see this as a plus, but it was my home for 15 years so it’s good to see old friends and fill my pie hole with  foods that I miss; the latter being why I will be in the gym every day this week working out to within an inch of my life.  Whew, that was a long flight in my jeans that felt more like sausage casing.  But lucky me, I get to return just in time to get to know Aviva’s creepy dad.  Yeah, nothing says welcome back like a hyper-sexual septuagenarian.  Woot!

Carole & Claire Take A Break

I really need to stop staring at these pages.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Carole takes some down time to talk to her sister-in-law, Teresa DiFalco, and share her thoughts on her upcoming book, “The Widow’s Guide”.  Unfortunately, she’s reached a point in her writing where she’s sick of her character Claire.  In the beginning she loved her, but at this point, she’s done and just wants to break-up, so to speak.  Her sister-in-law thinks maybe she should just power through and finish the book so they can get moving on that TV show.  Probably good advice.

But before the writing commences, Carole needs to check in with Aviva on the weather in Miami so she can pack for her trip.  Of course talk about sunshine & blue skies naturally leads to Ramona and Aviva tells Carole that she has a lot of energy and just goes and goes.  Yes, she’s the psychotic crazy-eyed Energizer Bunny.

Rachel:  So Carole’s over one of her characters?  Well, maybe because you’ve been writing her for four years.  You’re at the finish line, lady, just cross it.  Don’t stop now for a cup of tea and some finger sandwiches.  Power through.

How’s the weather in Florida?  The same as it is every day – hot & humid.  Too bad the humidity, it seems, hasn’t slowed Ramona at all and she’s exhausting Aviva.  Oh honey, we’re all exhausted.  The difference is we weren’t dumb enough to hitch our wagon to that train.  It’s a lot of work being a cheerleader on Team Ramona.  Hope you brought your sports leg for all the jumping and cheering you have to do.

Upward Facing Face Dog

I can’t wait for face yoga!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Sonja & Carole meet up to drive to the airport.  Carole tells Sonja her friend Ranjana Khan, the jewelry designer, has invited the ladies over for lunch, cocktails and a little face yoga.  OK, hang on.  Let me get this straight, I can do yoga to make my face look younger?  SIGN ME UP!!

Rachel:  OH YEAH!  I totally forgot about Ranjana and her face yoga.  You know I totally looked it up after she mentioned it at her jewelry show.  Mama could use some tightening of the jowls.  Time is a cruel mistress, people.  Cruel.  No amount of wine can stop that march.  So yes, let’s get back to the face yoga.  Why is Sonja not interested in doing it?  I’m thinking you might want to try it.  I mean it’s exercise you can do with cocktails.  If ever there were an exercise regimen these women could handle, it’s face yoga.

They’re in Miami, B*tch

I had better look 15 years younger after this nonsense.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Carole and Sonja arrive at Ranjana’s in Miami, and yes, this bitch looks young.  Oh, a bottle of Veuve goes into the ice bucket.  I’m down to hang with Ranjana too!  Hmmm, making me crave a little bubbly.  Maybe there’s a spare bottle in the basement to pop open.

As Ramona and Aviva arrive, the ladies discuss Ranjana’s amazing apartment and the area… It’s up-and-coming, to which Ramona blurts out “you buy cheap and sell high”.  I actually had to rewind to make sure she actually said what she said.  The place is amazing regardless if she “bought cheap” or not.  Oh, Ramona.  <sigh>

Why don’t we head up to Ranjana’s rooftop pool & leave the real estate conversation behind?  Aviva doesn’t know how she can stay because of her fear of heights.  Um, hang on there girlfriend, you were just saying last week how in Miami it’s nothing to go out to your terrace.  Heights in Miami aren’t scary, I think you said.  Now, all of a sudden, because the ladies are there, you need to have a panic attack?  OK, I am too distracted to continue because Ramona went on a quick detour to Crazytown and won’t allow allow Aviva to get her leg wet.  Say what crazy woman?  It’s not your leg.  If she wants to get it wet, let her get it wet.

Hang on now, Ranjana is fifty-six and her skin looks that amazing?  I need to get me into a face yoga class right now!!  Hang on, I must do this with the ladies.  I think someone flipped the cray-cray switch and Ramona starts demanding poor Aviva get out of the pool because Ramona doesn’t want her leg wet – though she’s been in the pool how long?  She’s so panicked by the leg that she starts yelling at Ranjana.  That’s just not cool Ramona.

Rachel:  Wow, Ranjana’s apartment is stunning.  Uh, how do I get an invite for girl time?  I mean I’m only a car ride away, I’m totally down for face yoga and I’m certainly ready to help drink that bottle of Veuve Clicquot she’s popping.  Seriously.  Give a sister a ringy-ding.  Aviva & Ramona show up and it’s immediately a rager as Sonja realizes that she and Ramona are both wearing the same thing, if by same thing you mean black.  It’s hard to imagine that two women from Manhattan would ever show up somewhere together and both be wearing black.  Yep, it’s a crazy world we live in.

So “up & coming” means that Ranjana got a good deal on her place, Ramona?  Uh, STFU.  Actually, I have to tell you that the Design District is far cooler than South Beach and filled with far more interesting people – not that you’d know that since I’m doubtful you’ve ever been invited before.  And from your current behavior, I’m pretty sure you won’t be invited again.  Carole is embarrassed and I can’t say as I blame her.

I’m going to have to give Aviva credit for getting out on that roof.  She didn’t make a scene.  She just sucked it up and went with the flow.  Good on ya, Aviva.  She’s being such a good sport that she even is ready to get in the water with her prosthetic leg, though she probably shouldn’t.  And she is reminded that she shouldn’t by a loud thundering noise otherwise known as Ramona, who is suddenly the expert on all things prosthetics.  I’m sorry, when did you adopt Aviva as your child because that is how you are speaking to her?

Ranjana says she is 56 and has never done anything to her face.  That’s impressive because she seriously looks about 47 if I were to guess.  She starts by showing them an exercise for the neck.   You know you’re all doing the exercises right now.  I certainly am while I also Google “face yoga”…. again.  But this time I’m really doing it.  No I am.  Glad to see Ramona & Sonja have reverted to their sorority girl behavior by making lewd jokes and being impolite to their hostess.  But is anyone really surprised?  Nope.  So I’m just going to continue my face yoga and let them have saggy necks.

And we’re back to the leg.  Ramona wants Aviva out of the pool… NOW.  Again, this is the world according to Ramona.  Doesn’t matter that Aviva is a grown ass woman and is capable of making her own decisions.  Nope, Ramona say out now because there is a difference between “wet” and “wet”.  And there you have it, everyone; another deep insight from Crazy Eyes.  I’m really wishing a really strong wind would come along right about now and blow her onto someone else’s rooftop.  Preferably one without a way down.

Not Your Typical Dad

I put the little blue Viagra pill right here on my tongue.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Back at Aviva’s, Sonja broke the shower in her room so she is getting ready with Ramona.  Oh wait, Sonja broke the shower getting into it with Ramona?  Let me say that I’m so confused, but poor Reid needs to try to repair the running shower.  Carole arrives while the girls continue to get ready for dinner – much to Aviva’s annoyance.  Ramona understands why Aviva is upset… It’s because she’s let down that Sonja is there and it’s all about Ramona and Sonja.  I’m kind of thinking that’s not it, she’s just annoyed she has guests arriving and the two of you are behaving like children.  Aviva tells Carole she loved the afternoon at Ranjana’s house, but felt bad about the Ramona pool situation.   Aviva’s father arrives, eyes up Sonja and begins fondling the ladies.

At dinner, George is all over flirting with Sonja.  As people discuss Harry (Aviva’s ex), Ramona has yet another thing to get crazed over.  She doesn’t want anyone to talk about him because she likes him and it isn’t fair.  Geez Ramona, you need to relax.  Aviva thanks her father for suggesting the kobe beef hotdog at dinner the night before, which of course, starts the ladies chuckling, except for Ramona who needs to check on things in the kitchen.  What?  She tells the staff to skip the salad and go directly to the entree.  I’m sorry, but if she tried doing that in my home, she would be politely told to sit down and not to eat the salad, but she is not allowed to dictate what MY guests could and could not eat.  Are you kidding me, Ramona??  Carole asks George when he last had sex to which he replies that morning.  He also tells her that he could give her her first squirting orgasm which causes Mario to blow the mouth full of wine directly from his mouth.  Pardon me while I vomit quietly in the corner.  Moving on… Aviva tells the group that her father ruined his relationship with his 35-year-old girlfriend by cheating with a 25-year-old.  Of course that’s one more thing Ramona thinks shouldn’t be talked about.

Rachel:  Did Ramona really just kick Aviva out of her own room?  The 14-year-old mean girl routine is so tired.  Meanwhile, Reid is trying to fix the broken & running shower in his blazer.  Um, Reid, it’s ok to take it off when you are fixing a shower.  No, seriously.  You’re giving uptight new meaning here.  Apparently, since Sonja’s shower is broken, Ramona feels like she might have to stay with them tonight.  Mario isn’t amused and says he wants his wife.  Um, you’re the only one that wants her so please do go ahead and take her far far away from us.  And since we’re talking here, there is no part of me that would ever ever ever parade around in front of someone’s husband clad in nothing but a towel.  Inappropriate doesn’t begin to cover it.

Oh, I’m loving Carole’s dress.  Would love it better if she were wearing a bra.  Anywho, Aviva has had enough of Ramona & Sonja screwing around & tells Mario to get them the f**k out of their room.  You know if Aviva is dropping f-bombs, she’s had enough.  And really Ramona?  Aviva’s jealous of Sonja because she is getting all of your attention?  Shut the f**k up.  The world does not revolve around you.  Great, now I’m dropping f-bombs.  Oh, and of course this proves that Sonja couldn’t have had this much fun in London without her.  Way to keep holding that grudge, Ramona.

So Aviva tells Carole that she was uncomfortable by Ramona bringing so much attention to her leg & Ranjana’s and gives Carole permission to tell Ramona the next time it happens.  Wait, your solve for this is to have Carole do your dirty work so you can remain Switzerland?  I mean no one really wants to have to take a bone out of a rabid dog’s mouth, but lady, this is your battle to fight, not Carole’s.  Sorry.  And as if the inappropriate train hadn’t already barreled through the apartment, Sonja, Ramona & Carole decide to have a conversation about Aviva’s ex-husband in front of Reid.  I wonder if shaking your head is part of face yoga, because if it is, I’m going to have done a full workout by the end of this episode.

In walks Daddy and it seems he’s actually the conductor of the inappropriate train.  Ramona, of course, thinks he’s fabulous.  I mean if Daddy has no filter and can get away with it, then it must mean she has permission to keep popping out her little toads. OMG, Aviva’s father freaks me out.  He’s just gross.  There’s nothing attractive about a senior citizen with a dirty mouth.  If Sonja is attracted to him then I am going to have to question everything I think I know about this world.  He’s obnoxious & a big perv.  Then there are those teeth…  When dentures attack.  And here it is… Sonja says George is good looking and looks monied.  Ah yes, there is the bottom line – money.

Uh, Ramona, weren’t you just talking about Harry in front of Reid 60 seconds ago, you crazy loon?  And did you really just go into the kitchen and tell Aviva’s caterers to skip the salad because you’re ready for protein?  She couldn’t be a ruder house guest if she tried.  I am so thankful that this isn’t happening in real time because I’d have to drive to Miami to punch her in her head.  Wait, I’m in LA… OK, I’d have to fly home to drive to Miami to punch her in her head.

So your father using the term “squirting orgasm” is the perfect segue to talk about him cheating on his girlfriend?  This dinner is my worst nightmare realized.  Is there a single person at the table with any class?  Do we need to know George’s dirty laundry? This whole thing is making my head spin.

Pop’s House

Oh George, if I rub myself against you, will you flirt with me too??

Melissa’s What Happened:  Everyone decides to visit George and lounge on the beach, but all Ramona can do is complain about the cold.  It’s Florida.  How cold can it be?  Sonja wants to know why George grabbed her ass after dinner.  He tells her, in his most charming way, that she has a fabulous ass.  In Sonja’s world, that is the highest form of flattery.  In the real world, it’s just gross.  I’m thinking George might actually score.  George tells her having that sex with him would be the kinkiest experience she’d ever have.  OMG, I for real might need to stop watching this.  Ew.  Not getting the response he was hoping for from Sonja, he decides to try his game with Ramona, who says she’s glad George appreciates her ass… Not to him mind you, to the confessional.  I just had a “skeeve shudder” pass through me.

After the group decides it’s too cold at the beach, they head back to the cabana to hit the hot tub.  George doesn’t want to go in with Sonja and Ramona because he’s nice and calm and doesn’t want to get erect… This he tells to his daughter.  And again, skeeve shudder.

Rachel:  Great, more fun & games with George and him telling his daughter that she has a hot bod.  That is the most disgusting thing I’ve heard in a long time.  Oh wait, now he’s telling Sonja that sleeping with him would be the kinkiest thing she’s ever experienced.  OK, that is the most disgusting thing I’ve heard in a long time.  Seriously guy?  Do women actually find your mouth attractive?  So, Sonja gives him the official diss & off he moves to Ramona. Well, at least he found someone narcissistic enough to be flattered by his pervertedness.  BTW, nice bathing suit, Ramona.  News flash:  you’re not 30.

The hot tub will just make George erect?  Sweet Fancy Moses, this guy is unreal.  Seriously, back away from the Viagra, George.  You’re cut off.  But it seems that the hot water isn’t only bad for George’s penile situation.  It’s also bad for Aviva’s prosthetic leg which she is back to soaking in the water.  Once again, Ramona goes ape shit & starts having a fit about it.  But since no one is playing into her game, she finally zips it which is good since Aviva was about to go off on her about her bathing suit.  Aw really?  Man, I would have loved to have witnessed that.

Heather’s Down Time

Hey, remember me?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Back in New York, Heather wants to know if she’s a really good girl will her husband Jonathan buy her a tin of Royale Osetra.  He thinks it’s nice for them to get some time together.  Heather thinks they should go back to Date Night because they are two ships passing in the night and when they are in bed they are tapping away on their Blackberries.  He also needs to know that if he wants to have sex, she wants to talk first.  This is the most bizarre conversation and I’m not sure why we’re watching this unless Bravo is contractually obligated to show all the ladies each week.

Rachel:  Oh hey, it’s Heather!  I forgot about her.  Helluva nice date and a lovely, but momentary, respite from Pervy Grandpa George

 Time to Say Goodbye

You’re poking around the wrong neighborhood, George.

Melissa’s What Happened:  To celebrate their last night in Miami, the group heads to The Catalina Hotel in South Beach for the evening.  They get the bed lounge area and George is all over his shot with Sonja as she jumps in.  But she immediately shoots off and away from him as he tries to get frisky with a little poke to the backside.  Really George??  And really Aviva, you allow your friend to be treated that way?  I mean it’s funny to a point.  George reminds Sonja that it’s her fault because she’s not wearing panties, as poor Reid tries not to be completely mortified by his father-in-law.  Lord, and they are letting him drink?  That could only make it worse.  He insistes he gives off a ‘fememorone’… it’s pheromone and I don’t think so, but whatever.

Rachel:  Aw, so sad it was only a momentary break… And we’re back to Creepytown.  Actually, we made a left at Creepytown and headed straight into Sleazyville as Pervy Grandpa George pokes Sonja in the back with his hard-on.  Yep, that happened.  Seriously, how do you get to be that age and not know the difference between sexy and inappropriate?  He’s not amusing.  He’s disgusting.  He’s textbook dirty old man and if that had been my back he was knocking on, he’d have a knee in his groin so hard that there wouldn’t be enough Viagra in the world that would give him even a semi when I was through with him.    But I guess Sonja finally paid the price for not wearing underwear.  OK, I’m done with this whole situation.  Seriously.

 Back Off… Please

Do these make me look more fantastic?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile Carole is back in the city shopping with LuAnn.  As they walk and peruse, Carole brings up Ranjana and the earings LuAnn got from her.  Dare I say that she’s going to tell LuAnn she doesn’t appreciate her taking advantage of her friends by asking to borrow dresses?  Here it goes.  LuAnn wisely tells her she didn’t mean to upset her about it, and she was thinking of using the dresses for another photo shoot she has so she can get him some press.  You know, because making dresses for Michelle Obama doesn’t really get him press.

Rachel:  Oh thank God, we’re back in  Manhattan with LuAnn & Carole.  Wait, these two are hanging out?  When did that happen?  And wait again, LuAnn went to Ranjana’s husband’s showroom and asked to borrow clothes?  Who does that?  Who walks into Naeem Khan’s showroom and asks to borrow clothes other than a stylist or an A-List celeb… or Michelle Obama.  And did we know Ranjana was married to Naeem Khan?  Did I miss that?  Anyway, I mean if he offered me one of his amazing dresses, I sure as shit wouldn’t say no, but I wouldn’t just up & ask either.  This displeases Carole who feels like LuAnn is friend jumping & doing it with some of her best friends.  But color me impressed with Carole calmly and maturely confronting LuAnn about it instead of waiting until they’re all at a party and then making a scene.  LuAnn tries to explain it away but ultimately apologizes for making someone uncomfortable.  That was such a mature exchange…. even if Carole still rags on her in her interview.

How Do Solve A Problem Like Ramona

Prayer helps.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Back at the art show in Miami, Aviva pulls Sonja aside to ask her how to handle Ramona when she gets overbearing.  Sonja says it’s really just Ramona trying to protect people and suggests Aviva just call her on it and draw the line.  Yeah, good luck with that.  As Aviva and Sonja return to the pool, Sonja lets us know that she’d be happy to see George again in a room full of people… but no dark alleys.  I hear you, girl.  I’d be worried in the room full of people too, if I were you.

Rachel:  Groan… back to Miami.  Never has Miami been so unappealing to me.  Sonja says all of Ramona’s shushing comes from a good place.  Are we supposed to believe that?  When she is in Sonja’s home and starts in on her, she basically tells her it’s time to go and Ramona immediately backs off.  Yeah, well that isn’t the most practical advice when she’s in Florida staying at Aviva’s home.  Anyone else think we’re getting prepped for an Aviva-Ramona showdown?  Boy, I hope so.  That’s something I’d love to see… in Manhattan… where there is no George.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  I need a shower in bleach to get all this icky feeling off of me.

Rachel:  Well, just when I think the Housewives can’t find a new low, they bring us George.  Seriously, that wasn’t amusing.  That was vulgar.  Here’s hoping we don’t have to visit with him ever again.  Ever.

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