One Sentence Summary: The men have a sit down to plot controlling the Housewives, we wish them luck.
Rachel: So every time this show starts, all I can think to myself is “Dear Lord, how many times tonight will I be subjected to Joe Giudice shirtless. I truly believe it’s a slow form of torture that the government is trying out and we are all the guinea pigs. They’re slowly driving us insane without us ever knowing it. It’s what they’re going to spring on detainees now that waterboarding is off the table. I’m wise to their games. They think they’re so slick, but they’re not. Or maybe I had a little too much pinot noir with dinner and am having some kind of tannic paranoia…. No, it’s torture. Plain and simple.
Melissa: <sigh> I can’t believe we’re still dealing with Teresa. Aren’t we close to the end of the season? Aren’t we close to someone losing their patience with her and just giving her a verbal once over and put her in her place?
A Brand All Her Own
Melissa’s What Happened: OK, I can’t hate on one of the first sentences uttered (although by Teresa) is about belinis. I loves me a belini, and have a fantastic recipe for one. Hmmm, maybe that will be our Sunday Sipper this week. Anywho, Teresa is confused between a vineyard and a winery but quickly changes the subject back to belinis in an attempt to hide her confusion. Psst, Teresa, a vineyard is the land the grapes grow on and the winery is where they make the wine. Hope that helps, I tried to dumb it down as much as I could. OK, back to belinis and she’s creating the “fabulini” because she doesn’t like anything that tastes “diet-y” like Skinnygirl. Oh no she didn’t just go after Skinnygirl, that’s my job!! Now she wants to brand herself and branch out to pastas and aprons. Of course she’s going to include Joe so he doesn’t decide to take off for not being included. I’m thinking he realizes he has the golden calf at this point and has no intention of going anywhere. I’m not saying he won’t have a little piece on the side, but he knows where the money is coming from. Joe it seems lost his wallet in a “friend’s car” and refuses to answer specifically which friend… dude, just say you found it in a pair of pants.
Rachel: Ah yes, another meeting of the minds. What is the difference between a vineyard & a winery, Joe? I mean if you corrected your wife, you must know. But first we have to hear about Teresa’s invention: The Skinny Bellini. Oh wait, hers is the Fabellini because she came up with the idea of a diet drink that doesn’t taste diet-y. But thankfully she and Joe are doing it together since he’d leave her if he was left out. Really? Now, I’m not suggesting you purposely leave him out, but…. And I do love that they’re editing the show to make it look like Joe’s an unfaithful prick. I mean the prick part they don’t have to edit. That’s just straight Joe. But the undercover lover (ew, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) is a nice added touch. Good job.
Melissa’s What Happened: Man I love that little Gino insists on clocking his dad in the face every episode. That’s fantastic. Corté stops by to talk to Melissa about moving forward and they need to go to her official backer (Joe). Is he going to shop for a record deal for Melissa? He doesn’t think they need to go to any labels; he’ll be her label. Melissa wants to keep on going, and while Joe thinks the music thing is confusing, he thinks his set of balls (and entrepreneurial spirit) will help him. Yeah Joe, ok. Melissa thinks she should start independently, and Corté backs her thinking they’ll start a bidding war. Not knowing the steps she should take, Joe tells her they’ll learn it… Must be his balls talking again. Corté reached out to a friend at a label who apparently was impressed.
Rachel: OK, I like to see a family that eats cheese and drinks wine. I would love to see Joe try and be a record label. Yes, because the record industry is in such a good place right now, I’m sure you can just swoop in and be the next Jay Z. But they’re gonna do this thing and start a bidding war for Melissa. Yeah, I’ll be the one over here in the corner, arms folded, watching this good idea unfold. Don’t worry about a label. Worry about keeping your publishing. You know Corté is trying to figure out how to have these meetings in a Joe-free environment.
Melissa’s What Happened: While heading for coffee Caroline and Lauren spy a ‘for rent’ Chateau. Lauren questions why they would have left the best spot in the world. Caroline sees the memories made there – complete with flashbacks from previous seasons including Danielle and Dina. Wonder what Bravo has up their sleeves with that little snippet. Caroline knows it’s a big investment, but she’s going to help Lauren’s morale by getting her into her own business.
Rachel: Why do we need to relive the life & times of Chateau? While I usually poo-poo giving your kids everything without making them work for it, I am happy to see Caroline working with Lauren on this business. I hope it will give her some of that self-esteem she’s desperately missing.
Melissa’s What Happened: Ah, feeling the love towards your wife Joe: “you suck at driving”. Well apparently she sucks less that you since you keep trying it intoxicated. Maybe she should just leave your ass at home from now on and you figure your own way around. And with that they are off to formulate belinis at Brotherhood Winery. Teresa feels that consuming belinis makes her the expert on their formulation. HA, Listen here you… Colleen Hughes. Right here, right now… I ADORE YOU for correcting ingredientses!! I almost need to go to there and hug all these people for dealing with these two twits.
Rachel: Let me just say for the record, this Winey Bitch will not be patronizing any vineyard that is in business with the Giudices. Ha, I love that the girl at the vineyard corrected Teresa and her ingredientses. How are these people not screaming for Joe to get out of their vineyard/winery? He really is a freaking moron. Where is the gimp and his ball-gag when you need him?
Make Me Pretty
Melissa’s What Happened: Yes, there is so much to do making yourself into a brand… Lip plumpers and photo shoots. No need to worry about working on the singing, just as long as you look good. At least they are saving money on the location for the shoot by just plopping her on the dining room table. Joe doesn’t think a record label needs to own Melissa because he owns her… Um, say what?? He loves when men want his wife and they can’t have her. I get that you’re overly proud of your wife’s attributes, but do you need to be so vulgar about it? As the photo shoot ends, Melissa declares she doesn’t want to be a porn star, she wants to be a rock star. I totally don’t get that whole comment, but whatever. I assume it’s part of her brand.
Rachel: So getting your make-up done is the hard work that goes into a record label? Well shit, I should have started my own label a long time ago. And I’m not even going to touch the comment from Joe that he owns his wife. I’m pretty sure nothing needs to be said there.
Melissa’s What Happened: OMG, who the hell are all these people turning out for Teresa’s book signing? Are they giving away free cars too?? Joe is in the back talking to the owner while Caroline muses that he’s going to have to pay the price for Teresa’s wanting everything, and will pull the “I’m a survivor” and will divorce Joe if he “goes away” – for her book.
Rachel: Look at the line to meet Teresa. Are you kidding me? Who are these people? Yeah, I don’t know Caroline. It would be great if Teresa boot-strapped it and became the role model for strong women to her daughters. But I don’t see it happening. Would love to be wrong. And I could be. But really, I’m not.
Business Lunch Etiquette
Melissa’s What Happened: Jacqueline and Lauren are off to meet with Bellapierre Cosmetics about some products for her new store. So I guess the rent wasn’t an issue and we’re all on the Lauren’s store bandwagon. Good for her I say. I love Lauren and it kills me she was so down on herself. Hopefully this is the jolt she needs, as well as Jacqueline’s to get over the breakup with Teresa. Wait, while having lunch with potential vendors she asks the waitress for a screaming orgasm? Really Jac, at a business meeting? Hello awkward moment, meet my friend uncomfortable silence. Wait, just when we thought there wasn’t enough awkwardness, Jacqueline brings up vajazzing to president of the company?? How many screamers did she have?
Rachel: LOL… Love the subtle shot of the “Proper attire required at all times” sign outside the restaurant and the cut to the visual of the woman with the spider web designed back of her t-shirt and her bra showing through. Big fat wink in your direction Bravo editors. You know your stuff Jacqueline, but I’m not sure ordering a “screaming orgasm” at a business lunch is your most professional moment. Oh sorry, I didn’t realize that vajazzling was coming next. Yeah, very top notch behavior.
All In The Family
Melissa’s What Happened: Kathy and Rich stop by the book signing (you know since they’re besties now) and share a sample of the cannoli cupcake – yum. Kathy invites her to her pastry tasting at the ice cream place. While leavfing through her cookbook to show how few recipes she’s included (clearly jockeying for a desserts cookbook) Kathy points out the recipes that her mom makes. This does not sit well with Teresa because they are HER mom’s recipes which confuses me because aren’t they related and wouldn’t the recipes be family recipes?
Rachel: Wait, a holy cannoli cupcake? Hmmm… I’m not mad at that idea. But dammit, it violates my ban on Teresa products. I’m sure she stole that idea from someone, no? I bet I can find it online. If I find it, oh, it’s on. Wait, aren’t Kathy & Teresa’s mom’s sisters? And aren’t the odds that they have the same family cookie recipe pretty high? So, what’s with the competition on where they came from? They came from the same freaking place. O-M-G… Kathy, you did not leave the house in that outfit? Holy bad call from top to bottom. Last week camel toe, this week… well, that!
Melissa’s What Happened: While getting her desserts together at the ice cream shop for her tasting event the kids show off their marketing attempts. Maybe we don’t go with the 8th grade looking posters. OK, personally I’m all over these treats. Then again I’m all over any desserts. Rich shares his hopes Teresa doesn’t come to the tasting – preaching to the choir there Rich. While the Lauritas and Manzos enjoy the desserts they talk about Melissa’s Beatstock appearance and applaud Kathy’s going after her dream. That is until the wet blanket (Teresa) shows up with her friend Linda. Wait, where did Teresa find a friend? Teresa doesn’t want to compare events, but of course hers are better. While everything looks lovely, Teresa’s friend Linda is going to pass on dessert. Now that’s just a bunch of malarkey! I couldn’t agree with you more Kathy, she’s not happy because she wants to eat dessert. Linda tries to talk to Jacqueline and suggests she reach out to Teresa. Please don’t do it Jacqueline, just don’t. Rich in an attempt to help stir some business introduces Kathy to Giacomo Beretta of Bindi Desserts in hopes they might strike up a deal. Hey wait, let’s go talk over here where it’s quiet, I mean dead. Who plans an event next to a cemetery? I mean it’s not like they’ll complain about the noise but come on. That just seems like bad juju if you ask me. Ah well, Giacomo seems sold on potentially working together.
Upon spying Jacqueline talking to Linda Teresa in her usual manner walks over and accuses her of not saying hi. Wisely she thanks her for the invite to Napa. Of course Jacqueline eats it up and it seems all is forgiven, thankfully for Teresa so she can make the Napa trip. Jacqueline isn’t sure Teresa is being serious and confused by the behavior. Yes, well it’s because she wants to go to Napa and realizes if she doesn’t make nice-nice with you, Chris will un-invite her. It’s about as transparent as my wine glass.
Rachel: Not gonna lie, those desserts look yum. See now this is my kind of party; a non-stop dessert parade. Wait, Teresa is now mad at Kathy for stealing recipes? And now name ideas too. Yeah, because Teresa’s the first person to ever name food after people she knows. She really is an original. OK Linda, try not to be an out and out bitch. If you don’t eat desert, don’t show up to a dessert party. And if you do show up to be your friend’s bodyguard, it’s probably best to go with the “less is more” approach when it comes to opening your no-piehole. It’s a pretty simple concept. I love that the Manzo women are standing by ready to pounce if Teresa goes all… well, Teresa on Jacqueline. And yeah, I’m also confused where this outpouring of kindness-ish is coming from. I guess she doesn’t want to be disinvited from the Napa trip which is being hosted by Chris. So, there’s the motive.
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh, it’s the men solve all night!! The (normal) men have a sit down to discuss how Chris wants to enjoy the trip with everyone putting all the BS aside and not argue with each other. I feel for Chris trying to work with a vineyard and build a relationship with them knowing Joe and Teresa could muck it up in 10 seconds. Chris beaks the news to Joe that he’ll be sharing the RV with Teresa and Joe Cue the not so subtle replay of the good doc telling them NOT to share an RV. I’m just going to put this out there, I’d totally be down with hanging with these guys eating and drinking wine. Again, just putting it out there, I’m just 40 minutes away should you guys ever want to guest spot on Two Winey Bitches. Joe has learned to ignore his brother-in-law, but Chris thinks once his relationship with Teresa improves, the relationship with Joe might. Jacqueline shares that she’s happy Teresa came up to her at the party.
Teresa too feels better about going away with Jacqueline thought the trip is about making things better with her brother and Melissa.
Rachel: This is what is commonly referred to as “a waste of time”. You can sit and talk til the end of time, but it’s not going to have any effect on the ladies’ behavior. And you can ignore Joe Giudice until the end of time, but it’s not going to shut him up. This is the first time I truly feel sorry for Joe Gorga having to be in an RV with those two for any extended period of time… though I’m a bit confused as to why they’re getting RVs in the first place if they’re staying at an estate. Hire a car service. Personally, I would just love to see Chris Laurita punch Joe Giudice in his head. Come on Chris, why the high road? How is that fun for us?
Man, Shut Up
Melissa’s What Happened: Clearly Chris wanted to have some alone time with his boys to enjoy himself before Joe gets dropped off by his “driver”. At least Joe somewhat sees through Teresa wanting to be close to him since she doesn’t have Jacqueline. Poor Chris still seems nervous as hell, and as Gorga says the wine is hitting the spot Giudice claims he likes his oakier. Geez Joe, can you not be insulting for a whole 10 minutes after you get someplace? The plan is laid out to Giudice that the men are all going to talk and try to pull everything through so there is no fighting to ruin the trip and potentially cause issues for Chis and the business. Naturally Giudice doesn’t care, and he’s not going to deal with anything and even tosses an insult Jacqueline’s way. Chris doesn’t think he hears anything that is being said or the idea behind the entire conversation. The idea is to keep the peace.
Chris shares that the Joes will be together, and Giudice reminds everyone he can’t drive. So he’ll just drink and be insulting – oh, sorry that was MY interpretation of his saying he can’t drive. Gorga starts talking about therapy and what he and Teresa need to work through (clearly hoping Chris’s theory is correct) and Giudice tells him she doesn’t have anything to work on, and she’s been bending over backwards for Gorga. Gorga says if Giudice has a problem with him they could talk to each other instead of through Teresa. All in all it turns into a tennis match between the two, and I’m thinking it’s going to get ugly. Chris starts to worry that the trip is going to go back to the same old drama and that’s not what it should be about.
Rachel: What a surprise, Guidice is not only not on board with trying to create peace in Napa, he is calling Chris’s wife a fool in her own home. Please Chris, jump across the table and pummel the shit out of him. No one will blame you. In fact, I am pretty sure you’ll hear a thunderous roar rise from the rooftops as people cheer and chant your name in praise. Seriously, knock him out. Or seeing as how this is going so well, maybe disinvite the Giudices all together. So much for that theory that the men are “no drama”.
Rachel: Looks like Napa is about to really learn about sour grapes. I weep for my wine brethren for having to deal with these lunatics.
Melissa: Brace yourselves Napa, much to all the hopes and prayers of everyone, the Giudices are on their way to destroy all tranquility you have to offer.