Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Jersey Side Step

(photos to come… unfortunately busy week for one of the bitches) 

One Sentence Summary:  It’s time for the beat down at Beatstock!

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh boy, I’m already yawning.  That’s not a good sign.  It can’t be helped though… The sound of rain combined with my new “Stop The Muffin Top” work-out regiment has made me very shreepy this Sunday night.  So much so that I’m not even going to pretend that a glass of red wine is a good idea right now.  It’s a delicious idea, but not a good one if I’m going to make it past the first scene tonight.  Though I think I might have to keep one nearby just in case I have to put myself out of my misery quickly. Not that I can imagine it would be a party up in here with two amazing Beatstock performances.  Woot!

Melissa:  So we’re back to Teresa making everyone’s life miserable… Including ours.  I find myself dreading the walk to the sofa to watch.  It’s almost sucking the life out of my Sunday.  Mind you friends, Sunday is my favorite day of the weekend.  We need to have an Intervention I think.  There has to be a Narcissistics Anonymous right??

Battle of Beatstock

Melissa’s What Happened:  Yes, we’re back at the Fred Astaire dance studio watching Melissa rehearse for her Beatstock performance.  Once again, poor Chris Judd who clearly is in the payment phase of selling his soul to the devil.  Melissa knows she can’t F this up, yeah pressure is on, and she doesn’t even realize her niece is performing as well.

Teresa is stage mom-ing it at Pearl Studios with Gia.  Please Lord, don’t let her tell her daughter she has a nice butt again.  I don’t think I can take it!  Here’s a question, is Gia the youngest person in this team?  Why does it seem that everyone looks at least 5 years older (and has had another 5 years experience)?

Melissa admires Gia’s ability to put herself out there and knows how important stage presence is when performing.  When the group at Pearl tells Teresa that Gia got her skills from somewhere, Teresa asks Gia where it came from and she replies “from my Aunt”.  Oh no, take it back before Teresa goes all no more wire hangers on you!!  “Hello where did you get it from??” Teresa screeches until Gia claims her.

Rachel:  Oh look, there are back up dancers for Melissa!  You know they were hoping to be dancing with the next J Lo so they could potentially be the next Casper (Not So) Smart.  But no, now they’re just three dudes who are about to dance for a reality star that is most likely getting booed off the stage – unless Bravo has paid off the audience.  I hope they’ve practiced their beer bottle ducking skills.  And I’m going to refrain from saying anything about Gia’s dancing.  But she does get props for telling her mom, in front of the whole room, that she got her skills from her aunt.  I give you a round of applause on that one, Gia.  I mean call me crazy, but I don’t think Teresa is exactly Solid Gold dancer material.  Stick to insulting people in your cookbooks.

Just Desserts

Melissa’s What Happened: I guess Kathy is still trying to pursue her business taking samples to an ice cream shop in her old neighborhood.  She wants the owner to know she does more than just bake.  Rich tells her she has to be out there like a tiger for her business.  Kathy asks Rich to let her speak and “back the f**k off” while she gives her pitch.  Wait, she took him a bunch of desserts.  Didn’t she say she wanted to show him she does more than bake?  I’m confused.  Rich starts to ask questions about the business possibly going into sales mode and Kathy cuts him off.  Hey Kath, maybe let him help you.  She gets Sal to agree to let her bring in her goods and sell them in the shop.

Rachel:  I’m confused.  Kathy is going to her old neighborhood ice cream shop to do a tasting for her dessert business?  How does that make sense?  I mean I get the sweets connection, but I’m thinking more about the clientele.  Perhaps the Manzo’s Brownstone would be a better fit.  And please Rich, I beg of you, stop making sexual innuendos.  You’re skeeving me out.  OMG, shut up, dude.  Let your wife handle her shit.  He’s quickly turning into a Joe and it’s already painful enough with the two we already have.

blk.

Melissa’s What Happened:  It’s another blk. event?  I need to try some of this stuff.  Ah, they are prepping their booth for the Fancy Food Show in DC.  Oh man, a cave made of cheese??  I need to make a trip to this place.  I’m thinking the Winey Bitches need to check this out.  OK Christpher, you need to stop yourself thinking you’re all that and better than your dad.  That man has built a business that afforded you the luxuries you have.  Albert, thinks Caroline should be on the label as the “old mom”, mother approved.  Um, Albert, you know I adore you so here’s a little something from me to you… I love you, but don’t call your wife “old mom”, rephrase it.  Caroline takes her few test shots, so we’ll see what happens.  I personally don’t think Caroline is “old school mother approved”, but that’s me.

Rachel:  Not gonna lie, I have never seen Blk water in any store, in any bar or on any restaurant menu.  And I still cannot wrap my head around drinking black water.  Pretty sure I’m never going to.  But hey, I like the Manzos.  Would like to see them successful. The booth looks great.  The boys are working their asses off.  More power to them.  Wait wait wait… Did they just say a cave made of cheese?  Uh, sign me up.  Yeah, if anyone needs volunteers for the “Fancy Food Show”, count me in.  And then there’s dad’s Brownstone Sauce… sign.  And let me tell you boys, I’d buy sauce from your mom.

A Moment

Melissa’s What Happened:  At the Gorga shore house we get our first topless Joe.  I was about to actually compliment him until his jaw drops in his usual lecherous way as Melissa walks out with drinks.  OK, here’s the thing… Melissa honey, you’re in your back yard at the shore, why are you wearing stripper heels?  Come on, I’m just starting to like you.  Rock an awesome casual barefoot  look.  As if it couldn’t get any worse Joe demands Melissa turn around so he can see her ass.  OK, I get you are attracted to your wife, but here’s the thing, there’s no need to talk to her like that, especially while you kids are right there.  You want some man talking to your daughter like that because she thinks it’s acceptable??  The key to a successful marriage is to have sex every single day according to Melissa, which I’m sure in her household it is, but I’m thinking there are a few other elements at play as well.  Eh, what do I know.  At least she has the Beatstock excuse for him to beat his own stock.  Joe gives her some awesome support in an attempt to calm her nerves over her performance.  Ew, for real, I don’t know which I dislike more, Joe Giudice’s topless appearances or Joe Gorga’s “moments”.

Rachel:  Seriously Joe, this is how you talk in front of your kids?  And officially, Tarzan is ruined for me.  Granted I’ve never watched a single Tarzan movie, but I now the option is no longer there for me.  Thanks Joe Gorga!  And they need to stop with the men and their junk in general, or they’re going to have to rename this show The Real Balls & Boners of New Jersey.

Burger of Shame

Melissa’s What Happened:  As the Manzo boys trek down to DC with Chris (read they sit in the back cracking jokes while Chris drives completely annoyed with them), he shares that he’s concerned about the risk he’s taking with blk.  The boys decide at Greg’s suggestion to play “F**k, Marry or Kill” to pass the time.  Christopher counters with the K addition.  The blk. brand has added a few new folks like Gianluca (Christopher’s friend), Joey (Caroline’s nephew) and Greg who is their “mascot”.  They have spent the past year driving up and down the coast to promote blk. yet haven’t made any money yet and had to resort to dipping into their savings to cover expenses.  See Christopher, this is what I’m talking about, when you start making money, then you can mock Albert.  Well, no, you’re still not allowed to as I love him and will have some stern words for you.  They stop off for lunch at The Wishing Well and hear the tale of the “Shame Burger” Challenge (2 double burgers with 2 pieces of scrapple {blech}, 2 fried eggs on 2 buns with 2 pounds of fries) all in 45 minutes.  Poor Greg and Christopher don’t make the challenge, and Chris isn’t a fan of the silliness and declares no puking in the van.

Rachel:  Poor Chris Laurita… I think he’s been so busy trying to help everyone that he’s put himself in a bit of a bind.  OK, one more reason I’d like to see Blk work.  OK, Greg darling, you know I love you but no no on the wife beater.  I disagree with men in tank tops, period.  At the gym, fine… ish… but anywhere else, big fat no.  BTW, if Chris & Greg eat all that food, I’m going to puke for them.  That’s gross.  And that’s going to be one nasty van ride post pig-out.

Just when you thought it was safe

Melissa’s What Happened:  OK, I’m seeing a pattern Bravo, I’m on to you!!  When you bless us with no Giudice toplessness and lull us into a false sence of security, you then smack us upside the head with Gorga’s lewd behavior towards his wife (case in point:  “Real quick, babe.  Real quick. as he undresses).  Thanks Bravo.  Joe tries to help Melissa “release the poison” before her performance at Beatstock.  Btw, that’s complete with toe sniffing / kissing and rubbing them on his face.  And just there… I vomited a little in my mouth.  Thankfully Antonia saves the day!!

Rachel:  Ha, cock blocked by your own kid.  Genius.  And who else thinks that being the camera man assigned to the Joe & Melissa bedroom details has to be one of the worst jobs ever?  I mean you might like the whole Melissa naked part, but then there’s the whole swinging from Tarzan’s vine part that just shuts it down.  I’m just sayin…

Getting Down to Business

Melissa’s What Happened:  The blk. crew arrives in DC for the show and Chris asks them not to drink too much before the show tomorrow.  So, listening to him, they head to The Russia House for vodka.  Wisely Chris opts for water.  Talk turns to Albie’s lady friend and while he knows he doesn’t have time for a girlfriends, he knows he’ll never find someone like her again.  Shots continue to flow with the blk. boys while Chris tries to tell the boys he was more serious when he was their age and tries to tell them all they have ahead of them and the great opportunities they’ll… Um, just a minute, Christopher needs to vomit.  End of lesson.

Rachel:  Poor Chris trying to rein in these boys.  Good luck.  But welcome to going into business with 24-year-olds.  Um, I guess that was a compliment from Albie to his girlfriend… I don’t want a girlfriend but I’d be an idiot to pass on Lindsey.  I mean I guess that’s nice…. Maybe.  Sort of.  And hey Bravo, I believed Chris when he said he was going to puke.  Didn’t need to hear it actually happen.

Gia’s Morning

Melissa’s What Happened:  At Teresa’s it’s the morning of Beatstock and Gia is getting ready while Teresa has a  moment of her own… A bride of Frankenstein moment.  Oh no a double whammy with Joe ironing his shirt for the day (shirtless obviously) as Jacqueline voices over the rumors that the Giudices live separate lives privately while publicly putting on the happy face.  Teresa’s make-up artist tells them Melissa will be performing and Gia suggests she’ll lip sync, like her release party.  Teresa wants to hear her sing a capella… or solo.

Rachel:  Oh another day in the loving home of the Guidices.  Is anyone surprised when Milania says that Joe is sleeping in his own room?  And I’m sorry but those children are horrible.  I know we’re not supposed to talk shit on kids – hence no Toddlers & Tiaras on TWB – but welcome to a lesson in what happens when there is zero discipline in a home.  You end up with angry mean little monsters.  Well, at least when someone says they’re just like their mommy, they won’t be lying.

Take the lotion?? 

Melissa’s What Happened:  Joe and Melissa celebrate their 7 years of marriage (at the Marriott Fairfield Inn), while George Miguel (Melissa’s make-up artist) tells her he needs to moisturize her legs and arms.  Say WTF??  She can’t put her own lotion on?  Joe offers yet another opportunity for her to release the poison while she pretends to annoy him on viewing texts from friends.  Corté calls to offer some props for the performance.

Rachel:

Food Show

Melissa’s What Happened:  Arriving at the Fancy Food Show, the blk. crew unloads for the show.  Jacqueline shares that since Chris’s apparel business filed for bankruptcy, they are in survival mode banking on the success of blk.  So he’s running a tight ship trying to make everything perfect.  He tries (once again) to get the boys to focus and it’s time for business.  Yeah, they’ve dipped into their savings, but he has a family to support.

Rachel:  OK, I just love that there is actually something called a “fancy food show”.  Does that mean there will be no mini hot dogs or mini quiches?  Sad.  I love a mini quiche.

Beatstock Nerves

Melissa’s What Happened:  Joe tries to get the crew excited for Gia with a little “go Gia”, she feels good but nervous at the same time.  While Melissa is nervous because she wants to own it.  As they pull in Gia mocks Melissa’s singing of On Display which sounds remarkably like that bizarre song she sang for her family at the pizza shop.  As Teresa tries to look offended by Gia’s behavior wile laughing.

Rachel:  And the battle of the Beatstock begins.  I’m really hoping Melissa rocks it for the sole reason of shutting up the Guidices.  And yes, I realize she’s “competing” against an 11-year-old, but I have officially lost all compassion for these brats.  Go ahead, tell me I should feel sorry for them and it’s not their fault that they’re being raised by the moron twins.  That’s fine.  I hear you.  I even agree on the moron twins part, but they’re still awful little brats.  And let’s be honest, you wouldn’t want them in your home either.  You wouldn’t even want them at the next table at a restaurant.

Miss Patti 

Melissa’s What Happened:  The blk. crew is up against people who are nervous to sample black water… Because it looks dirty.  Chris likens it to drinking coffee which is black water.  Um, not really Chris, it’s technically brown.  Greg comes over like a star struck 10 year old because Miss Patti wants water.  And by “Miss Patti” he’s referring to Miss Patti LaBelle – who looks fantastic if I might add.  Of course the Manzo boys don’t know who she is – are you kidding?  OMG he is the cutest thing saying hello, I could totally eat him with a spoon!!  He works Miss Patti like no body and declares he’s going to faint as they hug good-bye.  That’s it, when the Winey Bitches get out own show, he’s going to be our first guest and we’re going to drink and dish.  I’m making the Winey Bitch decree now.

Rachel:  See, I’m not the only one that finds Black Water to be off-putting.  OK, I’d be pretty stoked to meet Patti LaBelle too.  Seriously, she is fierce.  I might have to go buy me some Lady Marmalade hot sauce.  And she likes the water!  Success!

Release the Kracken!!  Er, Poison

Melissa’s What Happened:  Joe continues to try to get Melissa to release her poisons and after telling him her feet hurt he offers to suck on them and get the pain out while her assistants and hair and makeup pretend they have pivotal information on their phones.  As he goes in for a toe suck I am literally fighting back the vomit rising.  He is one freaky dude.

Rachel:  Sigh… They are really trying to make me sick tonight.  Look, if I wanted to watch awkward sexual situations, I’d put on Skinemax.  Not Bravo.

Gia’s Beatstock

Melissa’s What Happened:  As everyone arrives at Beatstock the families gather to pretend to support each other.  As Chris Judd offers some final words of advice to Melissa, Joe Giudice (who may or may not be drunk) asks Gia if she wants him to be a backup dancer.  Gia takes the stage first with her troop and of course we catch Teresa commenting on Gia’s butt again.  Melissa is impressed by Gia’s performance and is concerned about hers.

Rachel:  Here we go!  Fake platitudes happening.  Nice.  First up, Gia.  The white undies/shorts are an odd choice with the neon outfit.  That’s all I’m saying.

blk. at the Food Show

Melissa’s What Happened:  The boys are hard press sell at the show while Jacqueline marvels that it is a huge convention of food.  Amen Sista!!  The boys are up to a slow start as Albert’s booth puts their finishing touches together which also includes their jars WITHOUT Caroline’s image.

Rachel:  So tonight we have aunt vs niece and dad vs sons/brother-in-law?  Let’s play Family Feud!  OK, I doubt the Manzos are going to feud at all, but clearly that’s tonight’s theme.

Melissa’s Beatstock

Melissa’s What Happened:  Here we go, it’s Melissa’s turn on the stage at Beatstock (and is clearly lip syncing) as her sisters look on with tears in their eyes.  Joe attributes her voice getting better to their practice in the bedroom.  OK, is it me?  Has my buzz started to sear off from my day drinking fiesta, or is he more lewd than usual this week?  I guess since we’ve not been “treated” to Giudice shirtless we my pay another way.  Teresa is happy to support Melissa since she’s actually a good dancer… Well, that and she has no friends left.  Gia and Melissa share a quick hug off-stage with declarations of love.

Rachel:  Now, Melissa… and she’s lip synching again.  Why Melissa?  Wait, did the MC just tell everyone to drive safely after Melissa’s performance?  Usually the headliner is last, no?  Did the headliner play and then they made everyone (well the audience was half full) stick around for a special Bravo taping?  Hmmm… I say.  Hmmm…  So, I just took a look at the Beatstock poster from 2011.  The biggest names on the list are Shaggy & Crystal Waters.  Draw your own conclusions from there.  I know I did.  Oh and two girls from Jerseylicious were also on the poster right above Teresa Guidice and Melissa Gorga.

Loyalties Check

Melissa’s What Happened:  After the Food Show Christopher dishes on how much of a smitten kitten his brother Albie is over his new lady friend.  Chris reminds him not to get too serious because of the work he needs to do.  I have to say, if I were Lindsey and I saw this I would be heartbroken.  I’ve been in that situation and it’s tough to over hear other people saying you’re too much of a distraction to the person you’re dating.  It straight up sucks and you feel your days are limited.  If pressed for the choice Albie admits he’ll do what’s best for his family… See what I mean?

Rachel:  Aw, Albie is text stalking his girlfriend.  Cute.  Look, I get that he’s got a commitment to his family & his business, but why is everyone so sure that Albie can’t handle a relationship too?  I kinda feel badly for him.  Maybe a little support?  And I didn’t realize that they were going to Napa to do a deal with a vineyard.  They may have said it before but that doesn’t mean I was paying attention.  Pretty cool.  You know I always support venturing into the wine business.

After Party

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa basks in the glory of her performance with Chris and the dancers as her family looks on discussing how oblivious they are to her.  She doesn’t want to be cocky, but they did an amazing job and she can own it and be a diva.  While watching the excitement, Kathy gets inspired and knows she needs to go after things in life and Rich is proud of her.  Teresa pulls Melissa aside to talk about Napa.  Teresa is worried about the winding roads and what if they fall off a cliff – oh Teresa, don’t tease!!  While she doesn’t want to go away with Caroline and Jacqueline, this trip isn’t about them, it’s about going away with her brother and Melissa and having the fun times they used to have.

Rachel:  Yes, I will give you tonight to be bragadocious about your show.  I’m not gonna hate on someone going after their dreams.  I do think she has the best voice of the singing Housewives thus far and I did have “On Display” stuck in my head for days on end.  I would prefer she actually sang live, but hey, sister’s making it happen.  I’m going to be woman enough to give her the props she deserves for that.  And I’m glad for Kathy too.  I still think an ice cream shop is an odd choice, but hell, I’m feeling generous tonight.  Must be my exhaustion.  Love that Teresa doesn’t want to go on a trip with Caroline or Jacqueline, but this isn’t about them.  It’s about her & her brother.  Uh, isn’t it their trip that they’re being nice enough to let you come on?  Nicer than I’d be.  That’s for sure.

Peace Keeping Plot

Melissa’s What Happened:  Chris shares how he and Jacqueline used to tell Joe and Teresa how much fun RV trips are and they should try it.  But now are regretting.  Jacqueline plans to keep to herself on the trip and wish she could rebuild her real true friendship with Teresa (still Jac??).  Caroline wishes she could go back and no invite them.  Chris is going to try to shut everything off and hopes they can be a happy family.  He’s hoping to get the men can get together to lay it all out that they can keep the peace by working together if the ladies start fighting.  Albert doesn’t want to engage Joe Giudice in trying to keep the peace.  I agree Albert, definition of insanity right there.

Rachel:  Oh Lord, I’m so tired of hearing Jacquline talk about having a real friendship with Teresa.  You don’t have it.  You don’t.  Let it go.  Chris thinks he is going to be able to convince the men to keep the women in check.  Oh, that’s hilarious.  That’s also monumentally stupid.  Thank you Albert Manzo!  So, we agree that engaging Joe Guidice in any intelligent conversation is a waste of time.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, Beatstock went down without a hitch.  Doubtful that Napa will fair as well.  That makes me sad.  What did Napa ever do to deserve this pain?

Melissa:  Bring on Napa!!  I think we should plan a lovely wine tasting in honor of  the trip.

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