Real Housewives of New York Season 5 Week 7 – Good Trip, Bad Fall

One Sentence Summary:  The ladies wrap up London and are reunited with the left-behinds in New York at Aviva’s party.

If I make it through that wicket on my next shot, you have to go out on a date with me.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Sorry for the delay in getting this posted.  I’ll admit that this episode has been sitting on my DVR waiting for me to watch.  For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it before now.  I mean between the shrieking women on the RHOC reunion and the whiny men on The Bachelorette, I was worn out.  I don’t mean to forsake our New York ladies, but I just needed a moment.  Anyway, here I am ready to go back to London and wrap up the “Cool Girls” weekend.  I’m less ready to head back to Manhattan, however.  While I’m sure Sonja will be throwing a wonderful event full of toaster treats for Aviva’s anniversary party, I just don’t want to hear any more from Ramona.  Her need to rail against Heather is getting… nope, change that… has gotten unbearable.  At this point, I think the only person getting any enjoyment out of it is LuAnn… I’m sure she’s thrilled that someone else has become Ramona’s favorite chew toy.

Melissa:  Back to London with the ladies for hopefully a little princess meltdown on “the countess”.  How funny would it be if she just went off on her and then told her she wasn’t a real countess?  I mean the princess can say that and it’s way more legit than us saying it.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.

If a dog can drink out of it, I can stick my face in it.

Rachel’s What Happened:  So we start with Sonja sticking her face in a bidet full of ice.  What’s wrong with the sink?  Oh sorry, apparently it’s not deep enough.  Yes, but at least it’s not where people go to rinse off their privates.  And I don’t care how posh that hotel is, there isn’t enough bleach in the whole of the United Kingdom that would make that clean enough for my face.  But she did it and LuAnn says she looks fabulous.  I think she looks the exact same, but hey, we’ll go with it.

Anywho, it’s Heather’s free day in London so let’s get the party started! Holla!  LuAnn goes to get Carole, who apparently has gotten her own room.  Penthouse wasn’t working for you, dear?  Carole, it seems, wasn’t privy to the departure time and was woken from a dead sleep by LuAnn who just “barged” into her room.  Well, why was your door open if you didn’t want someone to come in?  You’re not in the Penthouse clearly for privacy so lock a door.  But that’s only the mildly annoying part considering that LuAnn went out and bought herself a cape just like the one Carole wore on the plane.  Are we really playing this game?  Yes, the bitch stole your look, but is it that big of a deal?

In the car over to play croquet, LuAnn is further tweaking Carole’s nerves by having to one-up everything anyone says.  Carole’s mom had 5 kids in 5 years.  LuAnn’s mom had seven.  Heather’s husband has twins in his family.  So does LuAnn’s brother.  You know, I have to say that I wonder if people think I’m a one-upper.  I don’t do the “My wine’s in Target” rain-on-your-parade like Ramona, but I like to relate to what other people are saying as a way to bond and have conversation.  I mean I get that LuAnn’s just on Carole’s nerves, but I don’t know if she’s really trying to be a jerk… I really just think she wants to find common ground… though I’m sure this is just the appetizer before the super annoying LuAnn entree.

Melissa:  Sonja is sticking her face in the toilet??  I don’t care if you call it a bidet, it’s still a toilet and you shouldn’t be sticking your face in it!!  That is just like 27 different types of foul!  Why pray tell can’t she stick her face in the sink?  I’m completely boggled by this behavior.  I don’t care if sticking my face in the toilet would make me look 20 years younger, it ain’t gonna happen!!  So how is LuAnn getting into Carole’s room?  Lock the door dear if you don’t want woken up!!  You can also say I’ll meet you there, that way you don’t have to deal with LuAnn’s “I’m awesome too” counters.

Space Cadet

Look, if Sonja wants to bail on both of us, I’ll just have to take over. Now, let’s talk about my wine.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Since Aviva decided to hire Sonja to plan her party from London, she is having to do the location scouting on her own.  Of course, on her own means with Ramona.  They go to the Empire Room on Sonja’s reco and both like the Old Hollywood glamour vibe.  The ladies love and Ramona’s ready to help with the seating.  You know, so she can make sure she’s not at the same table as Heather.  But she doesn’t stop there.  She has to make sure she knows where to go to have her wine dropped off since she can’t possibly be expected to drink another brand.  Look, I get wanting to promote your company, but maybe ask if Aviva or the restaurant would mind.  You know, that thing called manners.  Perhaps the restaurant’s sommelier would like to use the opportunity to market themselves.  Besides, live a little.  Try something new.  Wolfgang Puck eats food from other chefs.  But Ramona is not interested in anyone else unless it’s to talk smack… Like how Sonja better have it together for this party and not blow the opportunity.  Way to support your pal!  Oh right, she’s with the enemy which means that until she returns and proves her loyalty, she doesn’t get yours.  Noted.

Melissa:  Oh that’s right Sonja is planning Aviva’s anniversary party (from London) but Aviva’s doing the leg work.  I need to get me one of those jobs!!  Looks Like Ramonacoaster wants to take over.  Watch yourself Sonja, she might decide to add to her empire!

Hit Your Ball Through My Wicket

I’m not saying those fur muffs on her shoulders are crazy, but I’m not saying they’re not.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Sonja takes the girls on a croquet outing.  They are greeted by their instructor and a table full of champagne.  Now, this is my kind of croquet.  Sign me up!  As the game gets under way, LuAnn gets competitive and pushes Carole’s own sense of competition, which isn’t a natural reaction from her… so she says.  She’s just had enough of LuAnn’s nudging and constant instruction.  So much so that she manages to win while wearing a gown, which of course, begs the question, “Why are you wearing a gown to play croquet… in the middle of the day?”

Melissa:  It may be crazy of me, but I do like croquet and play with my son.  Granted with him, it’s more just whacking the ball with no real attempt to win, but it’s still fun.  I loves me leisure sports.  Poor Carole, having to channel her inner little Miss Competitive to deal with LuAnn.  I must say I love her even more.  I’m a fan of snark (as you well know) and she does it up right!

How To Annoy Friends and Alienate People

I hope my ex didn’t cancel my dental plan.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The ladies head to dinner and Sonja shows the ladies how to remove a glove the Burlesque way and almost loses a tooth in the process. She tells the girls that she’s a bit nervous about Aviva’s party & the toaster oven book.  Heather thinks maybe she should focus on the party that’s two days away and less on the toaster oven book for the moment.  But Sonja’s just venting and frustrated to be in another rewrite of the book.  Not to be left out of the conversation, LuAnn tells everyone about her book experience and then passes it off to Carole – the real writer.  Carole says it’s harder to write a book of fiction than it is to push a baby out.  LuAnn disagrees, of course.  She’s done both and pushing a baby out is harder.  But Carole says a baby isn’t immediately criticized the way a book is.  Again I ask, are we really playing this game?  Is that a real comparison?  Yeah, I think the competition goes both ways, ladies.

LuAnn goes to the ladies’ room and Heather jumps to her defense saying that she is just trying to relate and it’s coming from a good place.  See!  That’s what I said!  I get that it’s annoying, but it’s not mean-spirited so don’t be a jerk about it.  That’s all.  But seems there are rules and one of them is that tall girls should learn to take the back seat.  Really?  Is that how it works?  I had no idea.  The things you learn from Housewives.  Carole tries to give LuAnn a taste of her own medicine – admitting that it’s an immature thing to do – but misses the target completely as the countess doesn’t even notice.    Swing and a miss.  So off she & Sonja go to the bathroom and Heather tries to give LuAnn a clue without it being a direct finger point.  She says that all the women need to relax.  They’re all so intense that it’s overwhelming.  LuAnn misses the point yet again.  Miss.  She thinks it’s about Ramona.  Heather tries again.  Another miss.  OK ladies, three strikes and you’re all out.  How about pulling her aside, in private, and just being direct?  You can’t hint at this shit.  You also can’t ask a leopard to change it’s spots.  But I do give them credit for not pulling an “intervention” like they did to Alexis in the OC.  And dinner ends without a scene.  Mazel tov.

Melissa:  I wish I could wear hats.  I love Sonja and her hat.  And I love that when she takes it off her hair looks fantastic… Bitch!  I also love that LuAnn is comparing her book to anything Carole puts out.  Come on LuAnn, we know you want to rock, but know when to quietly set your hand down.  Shut The Front Door, are they talking Talls vs. Smalls in NY too?  OK, technically London, but you know what I mean.  I love Carole with the digs that are clearly over LuAnn’s head.  Oh LuAnn, the jealous women in your life?  Come on, Heather’s right.  You can’t see anything beyond yourself.

Sonja’s Empire Take I

No, look, it says right here that this indentured servitude is totally legal if your mom says it’s ok.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Another intern helping Sonja create her empire for free.   I’m sorry, for school credit.  Anyway, she’s back in NYC and taking the Aviva party bull by the horns.  She’s a bit scattered and all over the place, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re arriving back in town the day before the party… Though, to be fair, Aviva knew she was going to London.  Sonja is concerned about making people sit places because they are commitmentphobic.  Uh, perhaps run that by Aviva and her pit bull Ramona first since they already planned the seating arrangements.  Should be interesting to watch that dynamic play out.  But right now, Sonja has to find her Blackberry and something to wear for the evening.  And by that I mean her intern has to.

Melissa:  Another intern for Sonja?  Poor kid.  Wait, the day of the party she’s finally getting to the site?  Sheesh, that just wouldn’t give me the warm fuzzies if it were my party.

What Happens At The Salon, Stays At The Salon

Spill it, woman. I didn’t bring you here for the conditioner.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Aviva & Carole meet at a salon to get prettied up and catch-up on the London gossip.  Aviva is chill about the party because anything that goes wrong is Sonja’s fault.  Reid asked Carole to help him with his toast, which is cute.  Carole says that her husband passed away two weeks before their 5th anniversary so talking to Reid about his 5th anniversary speech brought up a lot for her.  She says that you think it’s going to last forever.  She also says that the last thing she ever knew about her husband was his connection to the Kennedys and to royalty.  She loved that about him and it’s part of what bugs her about LuAnn.  You knew we were going there.  This also gives Aviva the in to ask about London.  Carole says she’ll tell her provided what is said in the salon, stays in the salon.  Yeah sure, never mind those video cameras.  They aren’t really filming you.  It will never get out.  Just spill it.  Carole says she likes LuAnn, but she can’t quite get to who LuAnn actually is.  They just don’t connect.  She also doesn’t like that LuAnn says they travel in the same circle because she doesn’t like the connotation that she lives in a world that excludes certain people because they’re not in her social circle.  Well, I like that thought process.  Not sure that’s how LuAnn meant it, but it’s a lovely sentiment.

Melissa:  I love Aviva’s guise for getting London dirt – a trip to the salon for a conditioning treatment.  What, you can’t just call her and ask?  OK, maybe she’s just multi-tasking.  Aw, that’s sweet of Carole to help Reid with his speech.  Amen Aviva, LuAnn IS milking her title.  I also love that the salon is considered a safe place… Yes it is!!

Love Is In The Air

Oh no, what does Sonja have planned?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Aviva arrives at the party and is thrilled with Sonja’s work… for the moment.  The space is awesome and she did a great job with the flowers.  The space does seem giant though for 30 people, but hey, the guest of honor is happy.  Ramona shows up and it’s the first time she & Sonja have been in the same room since Ramona’s little bratty meltdown at the Social Life party.  Ramona says she missed Sonja and all is well.  Sonja says if she didn’t accept Ramona’s bad behavior they wouldn’t be friends.  Well that’s true, but seems a shitty rule for a friendship.  Sonja introduces Cara Quici who is going to sing a song for Aviva & Reid that was written just for them.  Now, there’s a lovely touch, Sonja.  Everything is just going perfectly until… Yep, the trip that shook Manhattan.  Aviva steps down from the stage and falls off of the stairs.  But she shakes it off and plays it like a lady.  Of course, now we have to add stairs to her list of phobias.

Uh, the So You Think You Can Dance & Sing auditions are down the street.

And now, the love song written for the anniversary… Oh. My. God.  This song is, in a word, terrible.  I’m embarrassed watching this, so I can only imagine how Aviva & Reid feel.  Wow, and as if the song wasn’t bad enough, two male dancers jump on stage and it’s now a horribly tragic attempt at some kind of wanna-be Madonna/J Lo/Lady Gaga routine.  Aviva calls it a train wreck.  Yeah, it’s more like a 50-car pile-up.  Sonja, really?  How was that ever a good idea?  Though we are talking about the woman that “forgot” to wear underwear to her own costume party.  But the Dreschers play it polite and move on to their toasts to each other.  Yes, bring it back to earth please.  Reid gives a sweet speech that is topped off with him saying that when she falls, he feels the pain.  Big round of awwws.  Everyone is swooning and feeling the love.  That is until Aviva thanks Carole for helping Reid with his speech essentially taking all the wind out of his sails.  Smooth.  But she keeps right on going into her speech/poem which is… cute.  And then, she gives Reid the wedding band as an anniversary gift.  You didn’t think you’d heard the last of that did you?

You’re a liar and a fraud, so there.

Heather is wondering where the food is.  Yeah, what happened to the seated dinner?  Did Sonja take a lesson from the Bachelorette and host a no-food party? At least they pretend to eat on the Bachelorette.  Mario is introduced to Heather’s husband Jonathan by Heather who says they both have wives that talk a lot.  Jonathan’s never met Ramona and Heather is afraid to attempt the intro.  Mario says not to be and drags them over to Ramona… Why oh why?  Things were going so well for us out in TV land.  The meeting goes well until the Mario detects that Ramona’s about to blow and moves out of the line of fire.  Heather, oblivious to the threat, tries to make nice with Ramona, but Crazy Eyes isn’t having it.  Nope, she can’t let anything go.  Ramona’s new beef is that Heather lied to her about going to their friends about her problems with Ramona – you know since Ramona has kept all her feelings to herself.  I guess this is the new tack to take since a London invite is no longer an option.  Heather says she can assure Ramona that she has not lied to her or been fake with her.    Ramona’s not buying it and dismisses Heather.  But Heather isn’t going to let her dictate the rules and follows her around.  Ha, that’s kinda funny.  Well, it’s funny until the argument goes up a few decibels and interrupts the party.  Oh Heather, you should have just let it go.  You don’t like her.  She doesn’t like you.  Just exist peacefully in each other’s company.

And as if it’s not boisterous enough in the room, a fire alarm goes off.  No one is concerned nor moves toward an exit.  Uh, yeah, maybe check it out.  Or not… Fire alarm is canceled and Heather goes back again for another round.  STOP.  Just stop.  Your apology is not being heard and she just doesn’t care.  She wants to stand on her self-righteousness so let her.  In fact, she’s so not interested that she runs to LuAnn to tell her how much she appreciates their fights because they’re real.  Say what?  LuAnn finds that amusing and plays along, but confides to Heather that she knows what team to play on.  And the lines are drawn… There will be no Ramonacoaster rides for Heather or LuAnn.

Melissa:  This is a nice party.  We finally get to hang with Heather’s hubby?  Anyone else think he looks like he doesn’t want to be there and wants to find a corner to sit quietly?  Oh that’s sweet Sonja has the band sing a special song for the couple.  And there Aviva goes down the stairs!  I can’t tell you how many times I fall in a given week, especially if I’m in platforms.  Wonderful recovery, dear.  Here I was thinking with the Bravo hype they would have to cart you out of your party on a stretcher.  You know the countess is saying I should get up there and sing, I’d be better than this.  Maybe it’s the recording because this sounds awful on my television.  She’s got dancers!!  That’s what every anniversary party needs, a mock ménage from the band.  I can’t believe Aviva thanked Carole for the speech.

Come on Ramona, just let it go.  Wait, you don’t like it when people go running behind someone’s back to talk about them?  Hello pot calling the kettle black!!  Here she goes, the neck is getting started and the arms are flailing.

A fire alarm too?  Wonder if someone pulled it in hopes of shutting Ramona up?  Wait, no one cares that the alarm is going off?  You morons, I don’t care if it’s a false alarm or not, the safest place to be in that situation is headed out the door.

Geez Ramona, you’re crazy!!   You’re going to run to LuAnn to thank her for fighting with you?  Woman you are most certainly are bat-shit crazy.  That being said I love that LuAnn called her the Ramonacoaster!

Bottom Line: 

Rachel:  So close to a mellow episode.  So close.  Damn you Heather for pushing the ignition button on the Ramonacoaster.  Just don’t like her from afar, ok?  We’re all begging you to just let it go.  But I have to say I’m pretty excited for Aviva’s creepy dad next week.  He he, that looks like an awesome time.

Melissa:  Aviva wants to fix Sonja up with her sex addict father??  Oh man, I might not leave my sofa for the next week waiting for that delicious train-wreck!!


2 responses to “Real Housewives of New York Season 5 Week 7 – Good Trip, Bad Fall

  1. Terrific writers…I enjoy your posts.

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