Hollywood Exes – Episode 4: Escape to Napa

One Sentence Summary:  A new Winey Bitch steps up to spend time with the exes in Napa.

My Thoughts:

A changing of the bitch for Hollywood Exes

Melissa:  So I got tagged in on Hollywood Exes.  Not that Rach has more important things to do, I just loves me some jilted women so I happily stepped in.  I like this new crop of “Housewives”, er… Ex Housewives.  I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week about these particular ladies and how they aren’t like other “Housewives” because they actually support each other in their lives.  I’ll give them that, there will be no table flipping or dinner party set ups in this show.  Here’s the rub though, with all that support and love, you’re going to need to bring it with drama SOMEWHERE or they won’t make it a season 2.  Just some advice there ladies – me to you.  I’ve got my glass of The Show (Three Thieves) for my new show and I’m ready to hang with my Exes.

Who Moved My Cheese

Let’s get this party started with Nicole cruising in her Maybach (clearly she’s not hurting too much) talking to Dan her Lawyer about the latest deposition in her lawsuit over the lost money.  See, this is why I keep my money in ING, and in the special hiding spot the hubby doesn’t know about.

You’re Invited

Sheree and Mayte visit a Andrea to dish the dirt on Jose telling Jessica he’s jetting to Boston so he doesn’t need to move in with her.  The ladies have a true point in how this is going to impact Josie their daughter and how a woman’s father impacts her choice in men.  I really do feel sorry for poor Josie.  Mayte  to lift the mood tells the ladies about a trip she’s planned for them wine tasting in Napa.  Hello Mayte, way to step up and set the bar for the rest of the trips.

Take Off Time

Dear Lawd, please don’t let us go down!

At the airstrip the ladies pile into their little teeny tiny plane for their Napa trip.  Andrea shares her fear of flying and take offs.  I’m right there with you girlfriend, the smaller the plane, the worse it is!!  We have a show of hands of who has flown private before, and poor Nicole has to fly commercial since the breakup with Eddie.  If you ask me (not that you did, but that doesn’t stop me) you’re all better off flying commercial, I get all twitchy in the teeny planes.  Mayte tries to convince the ladies they’ll do more than just drink (um, not really), but Andrea is ready to find the love of her life with a baby arm between his legs.  You go girl, best to have a plan and going in goal for a vacation.  She modifies her plan for Jessica so when the brothers talk to her she’ll send them Jess’s way, and any of the white boys she expects in return, seems she likes the “pink meat”.  OK, for real Andrea cracks me up!!

Touch Down

After landing in Napa, the ladies whisk off through the California countryside to Auberge du Soleil to start their holiday.  I’ll second you Jessica, that is gorgeous.  Of course Andrea is ready to get all buck nekid up in there.

Grace? She died 30 years ago!

Praying they all make it through their wine tasting.

Before bread can be had at Bottega Preacher’s Wife Sheree makes sure the ladies get their prayer in – Shame on you Nicole.  Yes, Michael Chiarello stops by to welcome them.  Oh what I wouldn’t do to just hang out with him while he cooks.  You all can keep your Bobby Flay, I’ll take Michael any day of the week, but I’d prefer a lazy sunday grilling in the yard.  Drea is interested in Michael.  Back off there lady, I called him first.  Then again I suppose you are within 10 feet of him… I acquiesce.  Sheree is offended by something Jessica references (and clearly I’m not hip on crazy sex lingo) and tensions start to rise.  Sheree doesn’t want Jessica to miss the fact that her husband is a man, and gets herself so riled up she curses… “Ass” for those of you who missed it… Sending the girls into hysterics.  Go on Preacher Wife, you drop those curses, you’re amongst friends.  There’s a circle of trust.  Time to get serious as Jessica talks about the drama with Jose and she still hasn’t told her daughter the news.  Well, who can blame you, that’s a shitty message to deliver.  The ladies suggest she make him tell her, he needs to own it.  While Jessica wants a father figure for her daughter the ladies point out the obvious that not all fathers are good fathers.

The Call

Jessica dreads the call to Jose to tell him to break the news to his daughter about his choice.  She catches him not in Boston but on a trip to Vegas.  He tries to suggest she’s playing games and that’s why he won’t call Josie.  Really, how hard is it to man up and take some responsibility?  His claim is that she didn’t say anything to him that she wanted him there.  Um, wait a minute, am I crazy or am I recalling a phone call to that effect?  He doesn’t know how he could be in LA and make money to pay bills.  Wait, wasn’t it his idea to move in?  She knows that she’s the fool if she allows him to blame her… ya think Jess??

Raymond Vineyard

All the ladies are hoping to score a little JC

The ladies meet up with Jean-Charles Boisset of Boisset Family Estates.  Mayte apparently is a friend of a friend to score such an awesome trip and he starts them off with bubbles… Who doesn’t love starting ANYTHING with bubbles??  Clearly knowing how to work a crowd he’s full of compliments and flirtation.  A “TOD” according to Andrea… Talk you Out your Drawers.  Oh, now I like that!!  That may have to make it into rotation.  STOP, a dog winery?  GENIUS!!  You bring your dogs and they hang out while you tour the vineyard.  Genius I say!  I’m kinda crushing on JC too!

Crystal Cellar

The ladies are turned over to Kelly (who by the way I would like to make my new best friend) for their cellar tasting.  She tells them they don’t need to worry about using the spit bucket if they are enjoying themselves (oh there’s a spit joke in there!!).  Sheree is all over it with 20 questions while the others are just enjoying their wine.  Jessica has fallen in love with a red much to the raised eyebrows of the other ladies (asking Kelly, are you done with that?).  Let’s be honest, there are a few I’ve wanted to flat out propose to on my tasting tours.  They take time out to enjoy lunch talking about their lifestyles of the past and how hard the change was for them… the “Real 100” if you will.  Poor Sheree got her Gucci discount rescinded?  How can she show her face in public?!  Can’t look at the special black book either?  Oh these poor ladies.  Just as I’m about to want to renege on my deal to cover, Andrea acknowledges there are real ladies out there doing it for themselves without any of the opportunities this group has had.  Thanks for giving some perspective.

JC’s Place

Show of hands Ladies, who wants a piece of JC for the night?

JC offers to host the ladies for their last evening in Napa.  He tells them the chandelier was designed for the room of gold and crystal… To represent the gold they drink and the Baccarat crystal from which they drink it.  Dear me, that is over the top!  JC asks the ladies for their funniest “man” story.  These should be good!  Sheree kicks things off with a Will story of them at a drive through adding to their order.  Um, thunk… That was a funny story?  He shares a Burgundian tradition of raising their hands and singing a “la-la” song.  Um, methinks the wine is starting to kick in.  He recommends they retire to the red room for the cheeses and desserts.  Hey now smooth talker!  Holy panty dropper room!!  That man is smooth now isn’t he.  DOH, and the wife bomb on the poor ladies who I’m thinking a few were seriously contemplating making a play for sweet JC tonight.

Overall, Napa was amazing for the ladies and helps them reenergize.  For sure, I want to hang with these ladies.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  I’m a fan of my Exes… The Hollywood ones that is.  Thanks for letting me hang with you ladies tonight.  Cheers to you until next week!

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