One Sentence Summary: Finally, we get to go to London and stop talking about Ramona not being invited… or not.
Rachel: I’m so glad the women are going to London this week so we can move past Londongate and into whatever the next drama is. I’m clear that there’s more coming, I’m just not trying to hear about London anymore. Of course I realize that Ramona isn’t mature enough to have let it go by now, but I’m hoping that we are starting to phase out of her rabid need to discuss it. She must have found something new to dig her claws into, no? And I wonder if London will go as smoothly as Heather is hoping it will. I mean the odds go up if there’s no Ramona, but there are still Housewives, and that always means there’s a potential for drama. Well, I’ve got a lovely Pinot Noir with me to help me through. Just makes me feel better knowing it’s there.
Melissa: The ladies hit London (LONDON BABY) for a little shopping and a lot of gossip – I’m sure. Wonder what Ramona will do when she has no one to pick a fight with. Watch yourself Aviva, you could find yourself in the cross-hairs.
Rachel’s What Happened: LuAnn, Carole & Sonja arrive in London and LuAnn is happy to be there because it’s been a long trip. Look, I know it’s not like they flew to Atlanta, but it’s also not like they flew to Kenya. It’s a 7 hour flight from New York on the red eye. You fell asleep in first class in New York and woke up in London. Seems pretty easy to me. Sonja is just excited to take a bubble bath and have some cocktails. Sounds like my kind of vacation. On the ride to the hotel, Carole is being verbally pummeled by LuAnn & Sonja about everything from her not wearing a bra to her use of the term “pumpkin head”. I’m assuming it’s in preparation for Heather, the talker, though I think all these women could give anyone a run for their money on the yapper front. They arrive at their hotel and thankfully Bravo has subtitled all the Brits because you know they speak that difficult-to-understand language known as English. They are taken up to the Penthouse Suite which is, in a word, ridiculous. Heather has arranged for them to be greeted with champagne and yummy desserts in the suite. How lovely. But they forsake the champagne to go off & explore the city. Uh, no one leaves champagne unopened on my watch. That’s straight blasphemy is what that is.
Meanwhile, we get to see Heather in action with some of her international sales reps. She is wrapping up her business trip with a meeting, a TV interview and a dinner. Then it’s time for the girls’ weekend. She tells us that her business is only 4 years old but it’s already gone global. Rock it girl. Love that sister’s doing it for herself.
Meanwhile the ladies are still at the hotel trying on fascinators and arguing about who pronounced it correctly. LuAnn is doing it, however, with a faux British accent that Carole is hoping she won’t have to hear the entire trip. You’re not alone, darling. You are not alone.
Melissa: Um Sonja, the Brits don’t necessarily drink all day, but they’ll have a cocktail at lunch. But you tell yourself what you need to to justify drinking all day. Over here at the TWB, we just day drink without cultural insults to assuage our guilt. Poor Carole is so jet-lagged and forced to deal with the Sonja/LuAnn tirade, made worse by LuAnn’s horrible “accent”.
Oh, this is an awesome room! I want to be friends with Heather if I get to stay in this awesome room. I so like that they give us a little taste of her “business” to make the trip seem legit.
Smart move, Carole. Just let Sonja have “the fascinator” win. Does it really make a difference? Oh come on, am I going to have to listen to LuAnn’s quasi-accent the entire trip? THANK YOU, CAROLE!! Next time say that to her, and then tell her she sounds like an idiot.
Can I Touch It?
Rachel’s What Happened: Back on the island of Manhattan, Aviva is out on the town shopping with Ramona. She really hopes the girls know that she wanted to come with them to London, but her fear of flying made it impossible for her to just get on a plane and go. This woman exhausts me. They know, Aviva. Everyone knows. No one is mad at you or dislikes you… yet. You’re still everyone’s BFF. But good idea to go shoe shopping with Ramona. Your prosthetic leg and her big mouth should be a winning combination at Giuseppe Zanotti. And yes, Ramona is already concerned about how it’s going to work with Aviva’s leg. When Aviva starts explaining to her what kind of shoes she can and cannot wear (eg – slingback are bad because of slippage), Ramona starts giggling. Really Ramona? How is that funny? Then Ramona starts asking if she has toes and about a dozen more questions, and Aviva feels like she’s with a 6-year-old. That’s because you are, dear. And Ramona, did you really just ask in disbelief if she goes on the beach in a, gasp, bathing suit?!?! She’s not Frankenstein. She’s a woman with a prosthetic leg. I’m having visions of Aviva screaming “I’m not a monster” at Ramona. Ah, that would be awesome.
Melissa: Oh, look it’s the two London stragglers shoe shopping. Really Ramona, she has a limb ON. She doesn’t need to bring one with her. I swear, I don’t get how this woman’s brain works. Why on earth would she take it off at the store? Sweet Mary Ramona, you are acting like a child with these questions and this behavior. Please close your mouth woman, you look like an idiot. What did she expect it to look like… A cyborg?
Wait, This Costs How Much?
Rachel’s What Happened: Back in London, the girls head off to Notting Hill to do some shopping and Sonja is shocked at the prices post-conversion to the Pound. Yeah, going to the UK isn’t a cheap escapade, my friend. The dollar is getting it’s ass kicked there. Well, at least our fair Sonja is actually being somewhat prudent with her money. I said somewhat, not completely.
In the next store, Carole tries on a feathery cape type thing which Sonja points out she can wear without a bra. Seems Sonja is mildly obsessed with Carole’s braless breasts and I can’t tell if it’s jealousy or disapproval. I’m going with jealousy since it would be awfully hypocritical of the woman who forgets to put on underwear while wearing short skirts, or well, ever.
Next we visit Carole’s old home where she moved after losing her husband. When he passed, she made a bucket list and on it was London. She met a man there, her first post-marriage boyfriend, and ended up staying longer than planned. It was a transition from one life to another for her. It’s here that she was able to feel free to date since around her American friends she was still supposed to be in mourning. Being a widow is the new virgin, she tells us. I know she’s already said this statement, but I really can only imagine the judgements she must have gotten from people who think they know how someone else should grieve and for how long. It’s not something you’d normally think about, but it much really be a tough thing for women more so than men.
Anyway, LuAnn tells Carole that she too was thinking of finding a place in London around the time Carole was living there and says that it’s strange the two of them hadn’t crossed paths before since they have so many friends in common. Carole says that no matter what story you tell, LuAnn has to bring back around to her. Now, I’m not saying that that’s not true in general, but it’s not fair in this case. I don’t think that was a self-centered thing to say. I think that’s just one woman trying to find common ground with another woman whom she doesn’t know very well and with whom she’s spending the weekend. We all do that. Besides, they had just sat and listened to Carole tell tales of her life and her choices. Why is it bad for LuAnn then to do the same, which by the way, was barely a story? Ah, my first nit with Carole. It had to happen, I suppose.
Just a side bar, at what age is it no longer appropriate to be wearing short skirts and thigh highs? I’m serious. I like the look but think maybe Carole is just a skosh too old to be wearing it. Or am I being a fuddy duddy? For real, I need to know. I have a trip this fall and am pretty sure I cannot rock that look so I need you to tell me not to even try it.
Melissa: WOW, did we actually find a store the ladies consider expensive? Shocking! I love the ladies shopping. Anyone feeling the strange vibe? Yeah, it’s called relaxation. They’re all relaxed because the Ramonacoaster isn’t there with her crazy eyes just itching for a fight – or a glass of pinot. Meanwhile what’s with LuAnn and the obsession with why they didn’t meet before and the 20 questions? Just enjoy the walk and relax.
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s time for Heather’s International Sales Dinner. The girls are finally joining Heather and it’s supposed to be a night for celebrating and fun. The restaurant is in the former House of Dior, which is fabulous in and of itself. The bathrooms apparently are shaped like eggs, which prompts Heather to make an egg-shaped poop joke. The girls don’t get it because apparently ladies of a certain status don’t do poop jokes.
At dinner, Heather asks everyone to get up, say their name and why they love the Yummie brand. Well, as cheesy as that is, I guess it technically is a business dinner for her sales reps; although I do think the ladies should get a pass. When it’s time for the rep from Belgium to stand-up, he says that he has heard that there is a princess on the show – nod to Carole – but he would like her to know that he’s the queen. Ha… funny. Of course, we flash to Ramona saying that she is thrilled that someone has a bigger title than Countess LuAnn and can’t wait for her to get that surprise. However, it seems the joke’s on Ramona as LuAnn tells us that this is not news to her. She knows the family and she knows Carole is a princess. Insert sad trombone sound… When they get to Carole, she won’t stand. It’s stupid and she won’t do it. LuAnn stands at her turn and Carole is annoyed. What’s with the bug up your ass about LuAnn? Just because you’re too cool for school, doesn’t mean everyone has to be. Then Sonja stands up and gets no snarky comment from Carole. But maybe it’s the lack of food as it seems the restaurant isn’t really moving with the quickness. So, in the meantime, let’s explore the egg bathrooms. They are bizarre and I’m glad we got to check them out. I may have to stop in for a peek & pee next time I’m in London. While the Sonja & Carole are playing with the eggs, dinner is finally served, but LuAnn will not eat since etiquette says that you do not eat until everyone is seated. Actually, it’s a hosted dinner so if Heather starts, you may start. Read Miss Manners, Countess, and dig in. But I appreciate someone who actually cares about manners. It’s a lost art these days.
Melissa: I have to wonder how many times Heather’s planning to drop the words “international meeting” in this episode. Dinner at the House of Dior? Now that’s pretty damn cool!! Oh no… Really the dinner ice breaker? Didn’t they do that at the beginning of their international meeting? I get she’s trying to introduce the ladies, but let them mix and mingle on their own. Thankfully she didn’t go with the 2 truths and a lie. HA, love that look on LuAnn’s face when her “title” was trumped by Carole. Oh no, LuAnn didn’t pull out the whole “poor etiquette” of the folks at the table.
Mind Your Manners And Your Name Dropping
Rachel’s What Happened: Heather is up at 5:40am getting her make-up done for a TV appearance. Carole rallies to go with her, which is quite kind of her being that the other two girls are sleeping and she is jet lagged too. At the station, the Heather is told that since they’re in the UK, and not America, she can only say the name of her brand once. And the only reason I know what she said is because Carole reiterates that to us. That woman spoke so fast I couldn’t understand a single word she said. Hmmm… maybe I do need subtitles for the Brits. Yikes! Anyway, Heather manages to get through it with only saying “Yummie Tummy” once and Carole declares her a producer’s dream…. which also means she could have been back at the hotel sleeping. Oh well, you got some good karma points for being a solid friend.
Melissa: Why oh why is Carole up? Because she’s been on television? That makes no sense to me. Sounds like Heather wants to secretly dish and that’s her excuse…though there’s no dishing. Hmm… Next time I’m in the UK, I’m totally going to have to check out this rule about dropping a brand’s name once. I wonder if Heather realized that before she booked the interview? If I were Carole, I’d be pissed about being up that early seeing how well that went. She done good!
I Do It My Way Or No Way
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona is speaking at the Learning Annex about women having it all, because apparently she is one of those women. As she is walking through the lobby, she notices that her picture isn’t anywhere, which is clearly unacceptable. How will anyone know she’s really there if there’s no picture? Uh, because they advertised it as you giving the lecture which is why people showed up, you dipshit. Of course, she makes this error in their judgement known to the poor gentleman escorting her & Mario up to the lecture room. Once in the room, things don’t get better for the unsuspecting folks at the Learning Annex. She notices that the table where her water is is too low which means she’ll have to reach for it when she wants a drink. That is also unacceptable and she demands they bring in a higher table. And if there isn’t a higher table, they should have told her so she could have bought them one. You know since they could have seen into the future and known that would be an issue worth making a federal case out of. I mean, are you joking me? How is Mario not a raging alcoholic? She is just an awful human… and not much better at lecturing either.
Melissa: OY! I’d be asking for my money back if I went to a lecture that started that badly… Crickets!
Girls Night In
Rachel’s What Happened: The London ladies decide to enjoy the Penthouse and have a night in. Can’t say as I blame them. It’s a gorgeous pad. Heather tries on her new glasses, but doesn’t get the approval she was hoping for from the other ladies. Yeah, I’m with the girls. You look like Mr. Magoo. Sorry, it’s not that they aren’t as up on fashion as you are, but nice try.
The conversation turns to body types and Carole tells us that the ultimate hip-to-waist ratio that men find attractive is a .7 ratio. It’s a sign of fertility. As soon as she explains that further, I shall be getting out my tape measure. Oh come on, you know you are too. Of course at the word “fertility”, LuAnn jumps up to volunteer. OK, so her waist is 27″ and her hips are 37″ giving her a ratio of .729, which is perfect. Oh, how exciting for the Countess.
After that fun game, their conversation turns to Ramona. Carole says it’s such a different vibe when she’s not around. Heather says she just doesn’t jibe with her. Sonja says she just feels left out and she’s an acquired taste. And LuAnn says she’s not accountable for the things that come out of her mouth. Well, if Ramona were a movie, her reviews would score her some seriously rotten tomatoes. But Heather doesn’t want to spend the night giving energy to Ramona (amen) and they move on. We hope. The girls do move on to having fun with Polaroids and it’s all good, yo. Yeah, Heather has to stop with the “hollas” and “yos”. It’s enough and I’m starting to get embarrassed for her.
Melissa: I love the girls’ night in that they are having. Nothing beats a night with room service, wine and relaxing. OK, I’m going to have to disagree with Heather’s cinch your waist and you’re all woman. I’ve NEVER heard a man say “Oh man she’s got a nice waist”. I’ve also never caught a man staring at my waist either. Way to call it out Carole, there is totally a different vibe without Ramona.
Wait, are we back on the gangsta chic again? I swear, if LuAnn really tries to make a song based on Heather’s “gangsta” talk, I’m out!! I’m writing a petition to have her disbarred from singing… I’ll do it!! I swear! A Polaroid? They still make those? Oh no, out of film?? Here’s a suggestion, pull out your iPhone and snap your shots. But I do love the sex book of questions!!
My Party Is Better Than Your Party
Rachel’s What Happened: And of course, we have the counterpoint party with Ramona & Aviva meeting for dinner with their hubbies. Just because Ramona wasn’t invited to London, doesn’t mean she can’t have a good time, dammit. And that good time clearly means ripping on Heather some more for fun and not out of jealousy or pettiness. At all. I mean anyone would make the obvious conclusion that the girls can’t be having a good time because they can’t get a word in edgewise with Heather around. Yeah, it’s just stating a fact. Oh, now Heather is fake too, according to Ramona, which she exemplifies with a pageant-like imitation. Look, say what you want about Heather, but there’s nothing about her that says pageant girl to me.
Reid asks Ramona if she has this problem with other women. Ramona, with a straight face, says no. Are you sure? The name Jill ring any bells? LuAnn? Kelly? Mario, on the other hand, answers “not presently” and that makes me giggle. Reid says Heather’s jealous of Ramona. And that makes me giggle more. No, she’s insecure and threatened according to Ramona. Now I’m just straight up laughing. Oh Ramona, you are a piece of work. And did you just make a dig about Heather’s husband & their marriage? Wow. Not cool. OK, now who’s the one that’s threatened and insecure? Anyway, Aviva & Reid invite Ramona & Mario to Bal Harbor for the weekend since they enjoy each others company so much. NO! Stay out of my state!
Melissa: Oh there’s another London dig. Of course you think you’re having more fun, Ramona. You always think everything you do is better. I wonder if Aviva is regretting not going to London with the ladies. OH COME ON Ramona, you do have the same problems with other womgen. Please don’t feed the beast, Reid. Heather isn’t insecure about Ramona, she just doesn’t like her. Wait, so Aviva can’t get on a plane to go to London, but she can fly to Florida?
Rachel: Well, look at that. Aside from Carole being annoyed with LuAnn, there was an actual trip without ridiculous fighting over stolen hangers or gummi bears. Hallelujah. But it looks like, from the previews, that it won’t last and that Ramona hasn’t loosened her death grip on needing to call Heather out.
Melissa: Really, that was it? Oh ladies, you’ll need to step it up. BUT, next week looks like the Princess finally loses her cool with LuAnn.