Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Sniff Test

One Sentence Summary:  It’s our favorite non-Housewife Greggy’s birthday, time to have some fun!!

Our Thoughts 

They said I was working with a Celebrity!!

Rachel:  Not gonna lie.  I dread this show.  This season has not been fun.  It’s been relentless Teresa nonsense sprinkled with other not so interesting story lines that get interrupted by Teresa nonsense.  I’m losing focus.  I’m losing interest.  I’m losing precious time where I could be watching other bad TV.  But hey, I’m dedicated so I’m here to bitch about it for an hour.  It’s ok, you don’t have to thank me.  I’m just dedicated like that.  But you’re welcome anyhow.

Melissa:  <sigh> I really don’t know why it seems lately these ladies are sucking the air out of my family room as I watch.  Well, it’s Teresa mostly but for real it seems like these Housewives are just phoning it in this season… Well, Jacqueline I’m sure is still heartbroken over her “break-up” with Teresa, but the rest of them are just going through the paces.  You ladies better bring it or I’m going to start to stray!!

Only turn 6 Once!

Come on Joe, have you seen the birthday parties those other Housewives throw?? Horse Ranches and multiple cakes!! We need to bring our A game!!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Oh, it’s Antonia’s big birthday!!  While the crew readies the house (and by crew, I mean everyone Melissa and Joe have hired) Melissa gets her make-up done while telling Joe about the guest list for the party.  I love that this is “nothing crazy” according to Melissa.  I always get my make-up done for my son’s parties.

Rachel:  I love that these women can’t do their own make-up ever.  I want to be on a reality show just so I can have someone do my hair and make-up just to go to the grocery store.  And then she says she’s not high-maintenance.  Yeah, do you know what that means?  But I guess if we compare this birthday party for her daughter to one of Taylor’s birthday parties, she could be considered low maintenance.  It’s all relative.

Call Me Big Poop-a

Wait, are our children turning into us??

Melissa’s What Happened:  Teresa has the girls make a card for Antonia since I’m sure she couldn’t be bothered to make it to the store to purchase one.  OK, I can’t really make a dig here, I boycotted Hallmark and the whole card industry about 4 years ago when I spent $20 on 3 Father’s Day cards… Highway robbery if you ask me!!  Teresa admits to being sick to her stomach after therapy with Joe, but she’s working on the happy moments.  UGH, and a shirtless Joe moment.  I swear I’m going to really up my drinking if we’re going to deal with this every week!!  I mean it Bravo, I’ll start hitting the dirty martinis and then this Winey Bitch’s fury will be unleashed!!  Of course Joe doesn’t want to go to the party.  God forbid you actually do something with your family… Yeah Joe, they’re your family too. Welcome to the magic of marriage!!  Milania thinks his actions warrant calling him a “big poop”, which you know is her little girl way of calling him a shit head.  Love it!

Rachel:  So time to build happy memories with the Gorgas as directed by the therapist who is probably still shaking his head at the two of them.  Of course shirtless Joe is not interested in going because it’s not interesting to him.  I think I can’t like this guy less than I already do and then he opens his mouth again.  But I’m not the only one that thinks he’s a jack-ass since Melania is calling him a “big poop” which is kid speak for “giant asshole”.  You have to wonder when your kid is saying you’re so mean and that you never want to be with them if maybe you might need to adjust your parenting skills.  But neither Joe nor Teresa are moved and basically ignore their kid.  Nice.  A+ parenting.

Career Take 2

Yeah but I don’t want them calling the place Crap-face instead of Caf-face. I mean it has the same ring to it.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Lauren takes Caroline to a new shop that she wants to start.  OK wait, I’m confused.  Didn’t she go to school for hair and make up and now she’s going to open a clothing boutique?  I’ll let it slide because I’d love to open a little clothing boutique in my town too.  Since Chateau didn’t work out for Lauren’s makeup business, a clothing store is apparently Caroline and Albert’s next offer for her.  Mommy is footing the bill and trying to rein Lauren in.  Yes, it’s always easier to spend someone else’s money, and therefore the bank does get to shoot down half your ideas.  It’s YOUR job to convince them otherwise.  Wait a minute here, they want to call the store Caf-face?  What kind of shenanigans is that?  You want to know why that name wasn’t taken?  It’s dumb and makes no sense even with the cafe for your face explanation.  It’s a restaurant vibe for a makeup salon.  OH, that makes so much more sense… Not.  Now I really don’t understand why Lauren was talking about clothing and jewelry in the front.  Well, at least we made it through a scene without her complaining about her diet.  Yep, a silver lining right there for you folks!

Rachel:  So Lauren is getting her new business bankrolled by mommy.  How nice.  Maybe it will be a good thing for Lauren.  Maybe she can get some self-esteem built up.  Please.  Wait, the place is going to be called Caface?  I don’t even know if I’m spelling that right.  I’m with Lauren.  That’s a terrible name.  I like the idea of it being modeled after a cafe (for the face) but the name is a big fail.  Sorry, Caroline, you know I never like to disagree with you.

Remedial Math… Revisited

Twin means 1-2-3 right?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Did Joe really say “they look like twins these three”?  Yep, he did… I rewound just to be sure.  He tells Melissa’s Mom about therapy and how he has to play mind tricks before he sees Teresa.  Um, no Joe… you don’t think before you talk, as evidenced by your 3 twins comment.  The “twins” tell him therapy will only work if they listen to each other.  He’ll never go to therapy again.

Rachel:  These three look like twins… Sigh.  I love that Joe thinks that the therapist didn’t help him at all because he had to change his brain.  Uh, what the eff do you think therapy is?  It’s not to tell someone they’re wrong and you’re right.  It’s to change your behavior when things aren’t working and you’re not willing to change your behavior so things will continue to not work.  It’s not a tough concept to grasp.  Then again, I wouldn’t think knowing that 3 people who look alike are triplets, not twins, would be a difficult concept either.

Therapy Works, As Long As I’m Right

Listen, if we start having Sunday dinners again, that’s more time I can have with Joe to break up his marriage.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Oh, the drop of Sunday dinners.  Teresa thinks the doctor doesn’t like her… I’m going to go a little crazy here and agree with Teresa.  Nope, I don’t think he likes you because you basically told him you weren’t going to listen to him (even though he’s the one with the fancy mind degree – I’m sure that’s what she calls it in her head… Right there with her ingrediences) and want to prove him wrong doing things your way.  She thinks she knows better and they need to do what they used to do and alternate Sunday dinners.  Which of course Joe doesn’t agree with her.

Rachel:  Of course Teresa doesn’t get therapy either because Dr. Sweeney didn’t tell her she’s right and that she is the victim.  Morons.  Seriously.

Sunday Dinners?

I can’t believe I have to pretend to want Sunday dinners now. Ugh, the things I do for your money… I mean you.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile at Melissa’s, Joe is convinced Teresa sold the therapist a BS story about family Sunday dinners and that’s why he suggested it.  Yeah, that’s not the only BS she laid on him Joe.  Just sayin.  Melissa is all over the family dinner, and that’s where they need to get back to.  She wants a relationship with Teresa.  Really Melissa?  That’s the dumbest thing I think you’ve said so far this season.

Rachel:  And I don’t know how Melissa does it.  She still wants to host a Sunday dinner for her husband & his sister?  She’s a far more generous woman than I.  I’d be so done at this point.  So done.  And when Joe says he can’t do Sunday dinner because he’s playing football, she should have said fine.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Poor attempt to try to recreate Antonia’s actual birth.

Melissa’s What Happened:  At the party, the kids arrive as Antonia is playing in what quite honestly folks looks like a giant blue vagina. Yes doctor, she’s crowning.  Sorry, was that too much?  I’m not sure what’s up with me tonight.  Teresa arrives and tells us in her confessional that it is hard to close the chapter and move on (ya think??) but she feels she has to do the right thing.  I love that they are done after the one session.  I feel like this conversation with Teresa and Melissa is the battle of the foreheads… It’s Teresa’s mini-forehead against Melissa’s five-(or six) head.  Teresa says she never has a chip on her shoulder but wants to start dinners, and will bring Melissa’s favorite dessert, sprinkle cookies.  As Joe gets a paint tattoo Melissa notes how it’s sad Teresa isn’t getting along with Jacqueline and Caroline, but is happy (even offers up her “thank you Jesus”) and all is good.

Rosie and Kathy talk about their night out trolling for ladies.  Melissa tells them she would have liked to have gone while Joe looks on clearly having a 3-some fantasy in his head (skeeve).  Rosie talks about the girl who caught her eye (Brianne) but she still doesn’t know her name.  Hmmm, keep drinking maybe the answer is in the bottom of the glass.  Melissa thinks they should bring Rosie to Napa for the wine trip… Yes please, let’s bring Rosie!!  Teresa, while talking to Joe, says she’s excited to drink some vino and wants it to be like old times (good luck with that).  Joe thinks they’ll try to go with the flow.  As a segue, Teresa tells Joe that Jacqueline always talks about what a fun time it is (I agree!!), and that prompts Joe to ask what’s going on there to Teresa’s lackluster response of I don’t know what happened as Jacqueline walks up the driveway.  Seriously, they could have rocked that scene had they played the Jaws duh-dum music in the background.  Teresa (oblivious because there’s no music) tells Joe it wasn’t like Jacqueline, and that she’s insulted that she even asked about the prison article.  As Jacqueline greets Joe, Teresa tells her she likes her leopard.  Um, WHAT??  With that enthusiastic exchange Jacqueline goes off for a drink, or a piece of cake, or a cigarette, anything really, just to get away.  Jacqueline still wants the old relationship with Teresa, but really I gotta say that ain’t gonna happen.  Kathy sides with Jacqueline based on her volatile experience with Teresa and having to watch every word.  Melissa finds her way into the conversation to ask how things are going.  She hopes they work it out since they are such good friends.  I’m thinking she hopes it works out so she doesn’t have to share the RV with Teresa.

Rachel:  Well that was the fakest conversation ever between Teresa & Melissa.  Yeah, no one is excited about Sunday dinner, especially those of us that have to watch it.  Um, my goodness Kathy, those are some tight jeans.  You might want to investigate the cuchini.  Just sayin…

Oh Jacqueline, stop already with the “relationship you used to have with Teresa”.  That woman no longer exists.  Move on.  You’re better off without that drama in your life.  For real.  Now you can focus your energy on that mess of a daughter of yours.

Beatstock, Who Knew?

Let’s see you survive this one

Melissa’s What Happened:  It’s the morning after in the Gorga household and Corté Ellis arrives to ask Melissa if she’s ready to do A SHOW… Beatstock.  Apparently “Rock Star” fits Beatstock and he asks if maybe she wants to perform.  It’s the NY / NJ people who are tough and have booed past performers off the stage.  Then yes, my dear, be worried.  She knows she needs a great choreographer for her performance.  Corté tells her if she pulls it off, the people in the audience are her fans for life.

Rachel:  Beatstock?  I need to look this up.  That’s a pretty cool opportunity for Melissa but I can imagine what will go down if they don’t like her.  Yipes

Walk of Shame – Caught On Tape

Baby, on your way out, take the garbage downstairs.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Greg is busy making breakfast (I need to get me a Greg) asking if Prince Albert (collective…ew) had a guest last night.  Could this be the mystery woman we’ve heard (not) so much about??  Christopher wants to talk to him about making tater tots for breakfast.  Wait, it’s Greg’s birthday??  You know I loves me some Greggy and for real would love him to move in with me!!  The boys plan on busting his balls until the big surprise later.  Oh, we catch a rare glimpse of Lindsey on her way out doing the walk of shame carrying either her clothes in a Hefty bag, or just helping the boys taking out the trash.  Either way, color me intrigued.

OMG, love the Clara Barton reference.  For real Greg, this is why I adore you!  Seems Lindsey the little “Bring it On” girl ( movie reference, no knock on the girl… yet) has been spending a few nights at the Manzo apartment.  Wait, is there a picture of Kathy on their suit of armor??  The ball busting continues at Albie’s expense discussing Lindsey, who from now on, shall be referred to as BIO (Bring It On – if you’ve not seen, it’s a must for any bad movie lover… As well as each of the sequels… AND upcoming [off] Broadway production).  Seems Albie is a little converned introducing her to the Manzo ladies, I don’t blame you my dear, not at all!

Rachel:  Oh I’m so glad that Chris is messing with Greg for his birthday and not really demanding that he make him tater tots for breakfast.  I was about to go off on a spoiled brat rant, but I’ll just save that for Teresa’s kids.  Oh boy, it’s the big introduction tonight for Albie’s girlfriend.  What’s to be nervous about?  Oh yeah, everything.

Gia’s Moment

Number one thing not to say in a room of children…

Melissa’s What Happened:  At Pearl Studios Gia is dancing while Teresa stage whispers “I like your booty”.  CRAZY SAYS WHAT??  Who does that?  No, for real, who tells their 7 year old “you have a great ass”?  There is so much wrong there that my brain feels like it’s about to explode.  Looks like Teresa is trying to get Gia into Beatstock as well – this will end well I’m sure.

Rachel:  Oh what a coincidence that Gia is auditioning for Beatstock where Melissa will be performing.  Nice, Bravo.  Way to set up more Guidice-Gorga competitive drama.  You know, since there wasn’t already enough.  Oh no, they seem to be getting along.  Hurry, create conflict!  Is there any doubt that she’s going to make it?

From Michael to Melissa, How a Career Can Turn

Betcha Michael never busted this arm move!

Melissa’s What Happened:  At the Fred Astaire Dance Studio to prepare for her Beatstock performance, Melissa enlists the help of Chris Judd (yeah, that one, who clearly owes someone to end up caught up in this malarkey).  Yes Melissa, he’s worked with the King of Pop, but let’s also remember he was banging J. Lo as well.  He wants to see how she naturally moves, and he tells her when people aren’t confident you can feel it and see that she’s trying to hide.  There is power in stillness, presence is key.  Oh thank you, Master.  HA, Michael Jackson to Melissa Gorga… Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what he’s thinking too sweetie.

Oh it’s the battling dance studios!  It’s almost like the Dancing With The Stars Dance off, but with less skills.  Chris thinks there’s a long road to get her where he’d like her to be.  Aw Lawd that’s an understatement.

Rachel:  Either Melissa & Beatstock are way more popular than I know about or Chris Judd is desperate for clients.  I like Chris so I’m hoping it’s the former.  Then again, I’m sure he’s getting paid a nice fee for this.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Hey everyone, meet… What’s your name again?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Is it another Sunday dinner at Kathy’s??  Man this family knows how to adore food!!  Kathy, should you ever find yourselves with an empty seat, give me a call I’m 40 minutes away!  Wait, Rosie is bringing “what’s her name” to meet the family?  For real?  How long has it been, a few days?  I mean, I get the power of television making the time pass, but it can’t have been THAT long.  Wonder if Mama Maria will like her?  How does Kathy know she’s a sweet girl?  She met her drunk in a bar.  Rich brings in the booze thinking with a little bubbly everyone will relax – let’s hope.  I swear, this poor Brianne, no one remembers her name (including myself).  Rich wants to make a nice first impression as Brianne arrives.  OK no offense, I don’t care how fantastic a person was I’m not about to head to meet their relatives after just a week.  That’s a bit much don’t you think?  Rich is beside himself over Brianne’s looks – down boy!!

Rachel:  Wait, Rosie is already bringing this girl to dinner when she couldn’t even remember her name yesterday?  Or maybe a week ago… Either way it’s awful early for family dinner.  But abnormal is normal in New Jersey apparently.  The cameras can’t wait for a relationship to develop… and clearly neither can Rich.  Dude, put your tongue back in your mouth.  Mama doesn’t want to have to mop up your drool.

She’s In!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Teresa looks on as Gia gets put through her dance paces in preparation for Beatstock and with a partial fail on her first lift.  Gia makes the cut and Teresa couldn’t be prouder and grabs her coulie which I can only assume means her ass… I hope!!

Rachel:  And of course she made it.  How else could there be conflict about who was more awesome at Beatstock?  And did you see Gia just push her mother off of her?  Wow, I would have been escorted out of that audition and the only Beatstock in my world would have been on my butt at the hands of my mother.  But Teresa doesn’t even clue in that maybe her daughter has some issues with her.

Birthday Boy is in the… Tunnel!

OMG I’m having such a great time!! I’m so happy no one else is here to ruin the fun!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Greg thinks he’s off for a birthday night of fun with Jacqueline and Lauren and not headed to his own surprise party… Well, because then it wouldn’t be a surprise.  Lauren is nervous about meeting her brother’s new girlfriend… There are a lot of whores in Jersey, and she knows what a whore looks like.  OMG, I don’t even have any idea what that is suppose to mean, but I’m thinking that’s not the best attitude to go into meeting someone’s new “special friend”.  BIO, meanwhile, is nervous meeting the family – as she should be.  Christopher thinks Lindsey meeting Caroline in a gay bar will help soften the delivery – HA!  Caroline doesn’t seem smitten by the whole “cheerleader” package.  But come on, who really is? Apologies to all you BIO girls out there, but you put a lot of pressure on the rest of us.

Rachel:  Aw, I love Greg and I love that they’re giving him a surprise party.  Albie’s girlfriend looks like she is so wishing she were somewhere else.  Personally, I’d be stoked to meet Caroline but I imagine it’s intimidating for her.  Caroline was very nice and then very over talking to her.  I guess she’s a slow burn.

Family Dinner

It’s not often a first date is meeting the family, but I can work with this.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Brianne runs a restaurant in the city but she originally wanted to a pediatric cardiac surgeon.  However, she ruled it out since she is too emotional for it.  Aw, she’s like me and cries at Hallmark commercials!  Kathy doesn’t want to jeopardize anything but she’s heard that homosexual women, on the second date, bring a U-Haul with their belongings.  Um what Kath??  Oh, this is the most awkward evening with the…  Did you just say “muff diving”?  Really Rich??  Now I can’t even remember what the awkward conversation was.

Rachel:  There’s no part of me that ever needed to hear the words “muff diving” out of Rich’s mouth.  And what is with all the :30 second segments tonight.  My head is about to explode.

Birthday Boy’s Par-tay!

Are you SURE you didn’t know about the surprise Greg?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Joe and Melissa enter the bar and Joe immediately is feeling the vibe.  He thinks he can let his inner self out and start stroking the  Chris-es.  Birthday Boy arrives and is happily surprised by the outpouring of love and birthday wishes for him.  Albie introduces BIO to Lauren and confesses it’s not Caroline you need to go through for approval in the Manzo clan, but Lauren.  Lauren tells Christopher and Greg about the spot in Wayne for the store and shares her concerns about having to go to her mom for everything.  Melissa and Jacqueline share their marital tips with BIO which is if they have sex the night before, they can get shoes the next day.  I mean I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it.  Oh, and act like a lady and do “wifey” things.  Caroline thinks  Albie’s not capable of having a serious relationship because he has to focus on work.  He thinks if they broke up he’d have a heart attack.  Christopher shares that Greg “goes for juiced up Italian guys… Like Joe Gorga” as Greg takes his birthday shot off of a shirtless Joe – but with no licking of course because he’s afraid of Melissa.  Since “On Display” did so great in the gay clubs (her words folks), she is hoping “Rock Stars” follows suit and persuades the DJ to play it so she can hop on the bar and dance with toilet paper on her foot.  OK, most likely it’s a cocktail napkin, but in my mind it’s toilet paper.  It’s all good until Joe hops on the bar and tears his shirt open.  No, he’s not gay, of course not.  Caroline still doesn’t see it working with BIO because she’s going to want to be the center of attention and he (once again) has to focus on work.  In a show of proper NJ spirit, Lauren shoves Greg’s cake at Christopher… Yes, I love you Manzo crazies!!

Rachel:  I love how straight guys have to make faux passes at guys when they’re around gay men or at gay bars as some way to prove that they’re not homophobic.  Yeah, Albie might want to come and rescue his girlfriend from the advice Melissa is giving her.  She really looks like she’s about to run out the door.  I don’t blame her.  That’s a lot to take in all at one time.  Maybe a small family dinner would have been better.  And it’s no good when mom isn’t thrilled about your relationship.  It’s worse when your mom is Caroline Manzo.  And then when someone tells you that they can’t picture you having rhythm when dancing (ish) is your job, it’s not really adding to the warm fuzzies.  But she’s handling it well.  And what was with that dance routine from Melissa?  I’m going to play my song for you as your birthday present?  Can that be exchanged for a nice shirt or something?

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Well, from the previews my prediction is correct, Beatstock is going to be a Gorga-Giudice beatdown.  But at least this week Teresa was trying to be nice so her irritation level was at a minimum.  It’s like a summer gift.

Melissa:  Doom is approaching… In the form of Beatstock with an RV trip to Napa chaser!  Let’s just hope I can make it that long!!


2 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Sniff Test

  1. I’d already like to jump out of the RV.

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