One Sentence Summary: Emily breaks out the bikinis for the Fantasy Suite dates and whittles the playing field down to the final two.
Rachel: Oh, it’s Fantasy Suite time. That time when Emily presents all three men with the opportunity to spend the evening with her in a hotel room. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “That hooker!” Well, you’re wrong. I mean it’s not like she is obligated to offer up the goods as if ABC were her pimp… Oh wait. OK, but still, it’s not like they’re paying her… Right, forgot about that. Well, I guess that answers that, but I am curious to see how our Southern Fried Princess handles the situation. Are we going to see the dirty underbelly of our angel? Or are we going to have an I Love Lucy situation with twin beds in the Fantasy Suite. Then there’s the question of Jef. Just go with me through my though process for a moment… If we consider the fact that his family is influential enough that he broke up with a girl they didn’t like and add that to the fact that his parents are on a 2-year religious mission and throw in a dash of “this is on national tv so there’s no hiding it from the mom & pop” do we get the first Fantasy Suite turn-down in Bachelorette history? If memory serves, there was a turn-down in Bachelor history, but not Bachelorette. Correct? Help me out… In the meantime, let’s get to the part of the season the 5 straight guys who are watching this have been waiting for: Emily in a bikini.
P.S. – I am watching this in a home in South Florida whose air conditioning has decided to crap out in 90 degree weather so I’m just giving fair warning that the patience is thin. Very very thin. Crepe paper thin.
Melissa: Emily is back to the beach with the boys in Curacao. It’s getting down to the wire and she’s falling for more than one of the boys (if previews are to be believed). Oh my, whatever will she do?? It’s really scary that she could break someone’s heart tonight! Oh, and let’s not forget the new additions to the drinking game that could possibly have us all broken on our asses after the first hour!
Home Sweet Home
Rachel’s What Happened: Welcome to Curacao! (aka Fantasy Suite Island – Where’s Mr. Roarke when you need him?) We are greeted by Miss Emily in a full-length dress standing at the bow of a boat, hair blowing in the wind and I am expecting her to scream “I’m the queen of the world!” But it doesn’t happen. This is no time for bad Titanic jokes. No, this is the time for deep thoughts. Deep thoughts about how happy she is to be on this journey in a place so fantastic with three of the best men ever, whom by the way, she still can’t believe are on their way there to see little ol’ her. Come on. Enough with that BS already. But I do like that she was actually barefoot on the boat and not pulling an Ashley by trying to get off of a boat in sky-high platform wedges.
Aw lawd, we are now revisiting each relationship from the dawn of time. Or the dawn of our time with Emily. Didn’t we do this last week? Did much change since then? No. Nothing. I want to fast forward. Can I fast forward? Please!!!!!!! Fine. I’m putting down the remote. Let’s see… Sean is awesome. She loves Sean. He gives her butterflies in her heart. Yipes, how’d they get from her stomach to her heart? Might want to have that looked at. And Jef, again, she loves his edge. He makes her laugh and owns his weirdness – and yes, that’s a compliment. Her connection is unlike any connection she’s had in a really long time. But then there’s Arie with whom the connection was immediate. He has a youthfulness about himself that he brings out in her as well. She calls him Sweet Arie because he’s, well, sweet. Hmmm… talking about Arie brings tears to her eyes. He’s the only one she gets choked up about… What does that mean? No seriously, what does that mean? Just tell me. I can’t be bothered to wait to find out. It’s too hot for patience tonight.
Melissa: Oh, I’m with you, Rach. What I wouldn’t give for Emily to pull an “I’m the queen of the world!” I love the deep thoughts moments with Emily strolling wherever she happens to be. What’s the direction on that? Look at this shell here and give me a Joey Tribbiani – pretend you smell something bad – so you look deep in thought and so we can voice over you talking about the men. OK, I have to say during this opening confessional time I love her with very little makeup. She’s really pretty without all the muss and fuss of multiple layers of makeup. Emily + ? Really? How necessary was that?
The Most Perfect Fantasy Suite Date Ever
Rachel’s What Happened: What is he wearing on his feet? And why is constantly running after her or toward her? And is that v-neck deep enough? Have I mentioned he bugs me? Well, he does. Oh, but look at them shaking it up! They’re going to take a tour of Curacao, not by foot, but by helicopter! I’m so excited that they’re doing something different that I don’t even care that they’re not playing “On The Wings Of Love”. OK, that’s not true. I still wish they were playing it. Is it really so hard to cue that puppy up? Anyway, Sean is waiting for the right time to tell her that he loves her. Seeing as how they’re going to a private island and then there’s the Fantasy Suite looming, methinks he’ll have quite a few chances.
As they sit on the beach on their private island, Sean asks if his family said anything that really stood out to Emily. Yes, let’s talk about me and my wonderfulness. She says that they said he treated his past girlfriends like buddies. Wait, that’s not wonderfulness, but it’s still about him so it’ll do. He says he may have treated them like buddies, but they’re probably talking about his most recent ex. And we hear again that he kicked her to the curb because he realized he wasn’t supposed to spend the rest of his life with her. And because he wasn’t in love with her, he didn’t do sweet things for her which must be why his family says he treated her like a buddy. Nice. His family also said that he doesn’t like girls to get attached, but again he said it was just the last girlfriend, who by the way, must be loving watching this. Yeah, I’m sorry, but something about Sean just rubs me the wrong way. I just have this feeling that he’s historically been a douche to women. I really do. Anyway, he starts to tell her how crazy he is about her and has the perfect moment to say “I love you”, but he pretends that he forgot what he was going to say and suggests they go snorkeling instead. Smooth. Way to almost dangle the carrot.
Time for dinner on the beach. She tells Sean once again that he’s the perfect man. He says he’s far from perfect, but Emily doesn’t buy that. He’s perfectly perfect! And yet, she is wondering why he hasn’t said those three little words. Oh right, because he just takes a little more time. So, it’s ok that Sean moves slowly, but not Doug? And it’s not a concern that Sean is “perfect”, but it was a concern that Doug was too perfect? Yeah, I’m gonna say that Sean has gotten her deep into the “do no wrong” fog. Dangerous place to be, lady. And when he tells her that he can’t wait to be a great father to Ricki the way his father has been to him, she about melts into the sand. But wait, we’re not done. He’s written a letter to Ricki that he would like to read to her. What is with the dudes and the letter writing on this show? Are they stuck in rooms for hours alone with nothing but paper & pencil? But he reads the note and now we have full melt. And I have full eye roll. Told you people, no patience. But I will give him credit for using the correct form of your/you’re and it’s/its in his note – a rare achievement these days. And yes, I looked. She asks if he’s ready to get engaged and he says that being in love means the same thing as being engaged. Say what? That’s crazy talk right there. But he distracts us all from that nonsense by finally saying he’s fallen in love with her.
She presents Sean with the Fantasy Suite invitation. He says that he would love the chance to “stay up and talk to her”, you know just the two of them since it’s not just the two of them right now. Yeah, we all know what you really want to do, and while it may include staying up all night, it has very little to do with talking. He’s excited that there are no distractions tonight; just like it will be for the rest of their lives… Uh, yeah, remember that kid you just wrote a note? I don’t want to go all Kalon here as I don’t mean it in a rude way, but she’s a pretty huge distraction. And it’s hot tub time make-out time… Emily tells us that her body is saying let him spend the night, but her head is saying send him home and trust in the end she’ll know what to do anyhow. Screech… Hold the phone. Isn’t the overnight date supposed to be overnight? But we are talking about sweet Emily here and she sends him home. Well, color me impressed. The mom gene beats out the aw-suki-suki gene. A tip o’ the hat, Em. This is a rule I’m happy to see her break. It’s a rare thoughtful, mature decision on reality TV. See I’m not all piss & vinegar tonight.
Melissa: Hmmm, Emily isn’t thrilled he hasn’t dropped the L-bomb on her. Yet of course there will be no reciprocation on her part, so she really just wants to hear him say it to make her feel better. On the Wings of Love, they lift off for a tour of the island… Yeah, that was for my Winey Bitch. Oh, let’s just hang out on a private island – very cool. I want to hang out on a random island. Oh there it is… You hold back your feelings… SAY IT SEAN!! She wants an L-bomb! If you don’t give it, she’s going to send you packing! I don’t understand how after 7-ish weeks she expects them to declare their love for her knowing she has no intention of saying it back. He wrote Ricki Bobby a letter? Way to go, but for real, why are you printing like a 7 year old girl – was that a heart dotted “i”?
Keep dancing around it, Sean!! Save yourself for me!! Oh wait, who said that? DOH! He caved, and of course she thinks it’s awesome to hear. Who wouldn’t want to hear someone say how much they adore you and you don’t have to say a single word back. OH SNAP, I forgot it was the “room key” night!! Aw suki suki now!! Here’s the thing though, didn’t she boycott the fantasy suite when she was on the show because she didn’t want to give her daughter the wrong impression? But yet now she’s going to fantasy suite up all the guys if they want? Ah, OK… She wants to set a good example for her daughter. And just swapping spit is enough of an example to set for her.
Rachel: That’s right! It was Emily that turned down the Fantasy Suite. Well, there’s another example of my brain only half working and my laziness preventing me from doing the research so that I don’t go on a tangent in my opening that is completely moot… Oh well….
The Most Polite Fantasy Suite Date Ever
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for Jef’s date. He’s 100% sure he wants to be with her, but he’s not 100% sure that it’s going to work out. Well, yes, that is what we call basic math. There are two other men making it only a 33% chance that it’s going to work out. He says it’s not going to be over until he can propose to her. Yes, that also makes sense. Wow, master of the obvious tonight.
He greets Emily and tells her that he’s nervous, which is written all over his face. But he gets a little pep in his step when he sees the yacht they’re going to be hanging out on. She’s nervous too, but about his family still… She says she had a great time with them and wonders if they approve. He says they definitely approved and his parents, after talking to the siblings, want to meet her, which is a big deal considering they weren’t exactly in love with the idea of the show. Now I super like Jef – I’ve even come to accept the hair – but I can’t imagine being with a guy whose family has that much influence over his choices in life. It’s one thing to listen to their concerns. It’s a whole other to let them be the deciding factor. But she is excited to meet his parents. He’s excited to meet her parents. He loves parents and he loves her as a parent. And she thinks he’d be a great parent. Thank God the word “parent” isn’t part of the drinking game or we’d all be screwed. He feels good about their balance. She feels good too. It’s a wonderful world, y’all.
Whoa! Emily just jumped off a boat! It’s a super action packed Bachelorette! Then he paddleboards them both to shore in a scene that should only happen in remakes of The Blue Lagoon. There’s lots of kissing, and then as the sun sets, Jef tells us that though the sun may be setting on their day, their life together is just beginning. Groan… Really? What Harlequin Romance novel did that come from? You gotta be regretting that comment right now.
Time to sit at a table in front of food. Jef’s got some questions he needs to ask her. He wants to know where she would want to live if it works out between them, and she says she likes the idea of starting a new whole life somewhere else. She doesn’t expect him to move to Charlotte, and though she’s never been to Salt Lake City, she’d go wherever he was. He likes that answer and can check that off the list. Next question. Why hasn’t it worked out with anyone before since she’s such an amazing girl? She says that she’s gone out with great guys, but if you don’t have that unspoken “thing”, it just is never going to happen. She sees him being perfect on paper, but he also has the things off the paper that are important. He makes her laugh and he gives her self-confidence. OK, check – for both of them really. I mean if he makes her feel really good about herself, that’s a huge thing. Granted it should be that way, but we all know it’s not how it always works. As for him, he’s dated amazing girls but he never saw the end goal until her. He says he’s never met two people more perfect for each other than the two of them and he wouldn’t change one thing about their relationship. Hmm… I’m going to venture a guess here that you might want to change the fact that there are two other guys lurking in the wings saying the same things to your woman. But she’s on board with the romantic notion of it all. He has one more question and it’s about Ricki. Is he a good fit for her? That’s an intense question and a brave one. This kid is using his noodle. I like it. She said that when she was home before the Hometown Dates packing Ricki’s lunch, she pictured Jef there. Another check mark in the yay! column. And with that, Jef is presented the Fantasy Suite card. He thinks it would be awesome, but recognizes that her daughter & his family will be watching this. So, he respectfully declines and says that they will ultimately get to spend every night together in their own private Fantasy Suite. Is this kid for real? And I ask that without the usual snark and cynicism found in most of the questions posed on this site. I really am floored to “meet” a guy with this much respect for a woman and her child. She is thankful that he responded that way. She feels the same about spending the night, but asks if he would like to hang out for a bit. OK, this is getting so cute and sweet that I’m half-expecting bunnies to start hopping by.
And off they go to the PG-rated Fantasy Suite. Um, their suite is a crazy cool treehouse. Rethinking that decision to stay? I know I would. But these two are wholesome young bucks (never mind that Emily got knocked up at 20) and Jef tells us this is the time to “bridle their passions.” I’m sorry, what did you just say? You need to stop using those Harlequin books as your guide to romantic lines. So, after some kissing, she sends him home because a few hours won’t change what she feels. Well, unless Sean decides to run through the streets of Curacao shouting her name because he misses her too much.
Melissa: OK, boyfriend needs to put on a pair of shorts that don’t look like boxers. Oh, so Sean for the air tour. Jef gets the sea tour. Does that leave Arie with land? Yes, brilliant powers of deduction after a few glasses of vino. I should have drank more in college, might have saved me from a few mistakes. OK great, so they feel like they get each other. Why do I feel like I’m caught up in a John Hughes movie – make no mistake my friends, I adore them but this is a little off… Too much rom com going on. Oh I love that chunky blue ring!! Sorry, I’m easily distracted by pretty things. Yep, there is a joke in there. Go ahead, have fun at my expense. Aw, Emily can picture him there packing lunches for Ricki Bobby… I guess that’s sweet, unless she’s thinking he’ll be her new house boy and do her work for her. Oh no he’s not taking the “I respect you too much” route with the fantasy suite!! Well played Jef, you smooth talker!!
The Most Unfulfilling Fantasy Suite Date Ever
Rachel’s What Happened: Arie shows up for another boat date. These two cannot keep their hands off of each other. Yeah, this guy isn’t saying no to the Fantasy Suite. But they pull themselves off of each other long enough to go swimming with dolphins in the middle of the ocean. OK, that’s rad. That goes on the bucket list. I don’t want to do the dolphins in captivity thing, but this is pretty amazing. Arie says that being with Emily is like having your best friend with you all the time. Aw, cute points for Arie. Back on the boat, he toasts to her bravery even though she was scared of the dolphins. He thinks she saves the good dates for him, and I’m thinking he may be right. He got Dollywood, fireworks on the boat, & swimming with dolphins. Considering that everyone else just walked around pointing at things, he’s truly lucked out. And we have more more kissing. Lord, these two are like teenagers… and yes, that statement is rife with jealousy. There really is nothing better than being with someone you can’t stop kissing.
Time for dinner and I’m loving Emily’s dress. Loving! Emily feels so close to Arie but there are things she still doesn’t know. Like what does he do on a regular Tuesday morning. He says that it’s funny she brings that up because he’s been thinking about what it would be like to watch her make breakfast and take care of Ricki. He says that his day, when he’s not racing, starts around 9am. She lets him know that his days will start much much earlier. He’s thinking like 6:30am… She says she wishes. Hold the phone, your 6-year-old doesn’t sleep past 6am? Oh hell no. Yeah, I know I don’t have kids, but that’s crazy talk. He brushes that off, mostly because I don’t think he wants to really acknowledge that reality. She wants to know what time he gets home from work. He says around 6pm and he’ll usually grab dinner with friends then just hang out at home. He likes to go out because he doesn’t like being at home alone. Hmm… Doesn’t look like our Em is loving these answers. Though she hasn’t asked the other single, no-kid-having guys their routines which I would imagine aren’t much different minus the wake-up time because they have 9-to-5’s. I doubt any of them are fully understanding that their days are going to start before the rooster crows. He wants to know from her how she sees this going if he’s the last man standing. She says she doesn’t have all the answers but she would be happy to move to Scottsdale if that’s where he wants to live. He knows what a big part Ricki plays in her life and he wants to let her know how important it is for him to be a father figure to her daughter. He’s so good with kids and he wants her to see that side of him. So, he asks what her expectations are for a father for Ricki. She wants someone to come in and genuinely love her like she’s their own. Ricki doesn’t know the father-daughter relationship and she wants that for her. Arie says that getting to know Ricki should be a slow process. She should look at Arie as a buddy first and slowly get to know him as a father. Emily likes that and seems to be warming up to his vision of the future. I have to admit that I’m pleasantly surprised to see so much depth in our resident bad boy. Emily is also surprised that he gets it more than she ever gave him credit for. Yeah, our little boy’s all grow’d up. And he loves that she puts him first and makes him feel like a man. It gives him confidence and he loves fulfilling that role. Go on Arie with your bad self. Loving this side of you.
It’s time for the Fantasy Suite card and Emily chooses not to give it to him. She doesn’t trust that she’ll be able to make him leave so she’s not telling him that’s even an option. Well played, Em. Didn’t know you had the choice to play it that way. Even better done in your virginal white dress. So off they go to the non-fantasy Fantasy Suite. Quite frankly, I’m not sure I’d be able to say no either. As she tells us that she wishes she could stay with him and enjoy him, she gets choked up. Man, what kind of voodoo magic does he have in his lips? And can he give lessons? Oh it’s because she’s realizing it’s time to let one of the three guys go. I still think he has magical lips though.
Melissa: OK, I was just about to say who cued the dolphins, but in true Bachelor(ette) fashion they thought of that little move as well. Apparently their relationship is all about kissing and wanting to kiss each other. Is it me or does Arie seem to have the life? Up at 9-ish, go drive around a bit, then go out with friends. Of course she’ll move to Scottsdale. She’s seen where his parents live! I don’t know, there’s just something about him that seems off to me. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something. OH, didn’t even give him a shot at the fantasy suite? OUCH, that has to hurt, unless she forgot the big show is this week.
Rachel’s What Happened: OK, first I want to like that dress way more than I do. It’s good in theory but not in practice. That being said, it’s time for therapy with Chris Harrison. Needless to say, she is freaked out about having to send someone home. She has no more clarity this week than she did last week, but she knows she has to follow her heart. She knows she’s made the right decision each week and it’s been clear to her in the light of the next day. So, she’s hoping tomorrow will be the same. Yeah, tell yourself that. She is so excited to be with one guy but she’s not ready to say goodbye to anyone. I gotta tell you that I have no clue who’s getting sent home. Chris, sensing that he might not get any of the dramatic tears from Emily on her own, reminds her that this is the last rose ceremony. There’s nothing but a proposal after this. Still no tears. That doesn’t work for Chris so he asks Emily to put into words how hard this is. She can’t. Dammit Emily, turn on the waterworks! Next on the list of surefire cry instigators – Tell us what’s going inside you? She says she’s really sad. Chris feigns confusion over her being sad. Why Emily? Why so sad? Wow, Chris, she just spent 5 minutes telling you why she’s sad and no one thought that was remotely genuine concern from you. But still no tears from Emily because she’s just focusing on tomorrow morning and knowing she did the right thing. Undaunted by the task before him, Chris has last weapon in his arsenal… and it might hurt her… he hopes. He tells her that the guys have each recorded a video for her to express their feelings. Ooh, tears are brimming. Keep pushing! Tell her that you haven’t seen this kind of emotion from her all season… Yeah yeah, good job. It works! And we have tears. She says it would be easy for her to be selfish and not think about their feelings but that’s not who she is. Chris says he’s sorry it sucks, leaves her to her videos & goes off to collect his bonus check for making her cry.
The videos… Sean came in cynical but is now a believer. He is head over heels in love with her. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Jef is so happy they could take this journey together. He’s completely in love with her. Their dates have changed his life forever. He promises to always defend her, protect her & make her cheeks sore from laughing. Arie knows they fit so well together. His crush has turned to love. His heart is always racing toward her. She’s beautiful inside & out. Emily doesn’t smile once throughout the videos and looks like she’s about to puke… or pass out.. or puke while passing out. Yeah, I don’t envy her position.
Melissa: Oh, I’m kind of loving that skirt!! Without the ruffle that is. Poor thing hasn’t had any clarity this week on her dates. Oh there it is, “the hardest week ever”. It’s not like she hasn’t been here before, she knows the game. Video Messages, this is new! Come on, let one of these guys give a pressed ham, how funny would that be? I swear, I would full-on laugh wine right out of my nose. Is she not allowed to smile when she’s watching the videos? Is that a rule? I wish Jeff would have busted out with a little “Never gonna give you up… Never gonna let you down” – or whatever the words are. I can’t look it up because I’ll end up with it looping in my head for the rest of the night.
The Last Emily Rose Ceremony Ever
Rachel’s What Happened: Well, it’s the last ceremony before the big proposal and one of these guys is about to get crushed. I don’t know why I feel more badly for this crew of guys than I have for any others that came before, but I really do. I guess part of it is that I really do think all three of them are stupid in love with her in as much of a real way as they can be considering they’re on a dating show. Usually you can feel the level of competition between the guys and at least one of them is being a jerk, but I don’t feel it this time. Well, let’s get this over with… I’m actually nervous.
Here we go…
Staying: Jef & Arie
She walks Sean out and after the longest most awkward pause in Bachelorette history, he says that he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say. Uh, you’re not supposed to say anything. This is where Emily is supposed to assuage her guilt and tell you how hard this was and how much she cares for you, but she saw a stronger future with the other two guys. You’re supposed to get the eff out of there with whatever shred of dignity you have left. Instead she asks him what he’s thinking. Really? You don’t know? He says he feels stupid because he knew with certainty that he wanted to spend forever with her. He’s shocked and thinks she should know that this is going to hurt him. Well, there’s some brutal honesty. Honey, you should have given him your spiel and sent him home. Now, she tells him that she’s going to miss him and enjoyed every minute with him. He says she had to do what was best for her. Dude, get up. Go. You’re killing me. Well, you and that awful squeaking fan or grate or whatever that is in the background.
Melissa: I’m calling Arie gets the first rose. OH, I stand grossly corrected! I still say Arie is staying… And I’m right. Poor Sean is going home – wha??? He was my second after Doug.
Rachel: Wow, first of all I didn’t expect Jef to get called first. And I didn’t expect Sean to be going home either. But I can’t say as I think she made the wrong choice… not that you guys couldn’t have figured that out on your own. Arie was my early frontrunner after Doug – and after I realized what a douche Ryan was. Well, sorry to see you sad Sean. Hope mom saved that half-eaten M&M cookie.
Melissa: I love the random bench they put out for the poignant “I’m sorry” conversation. I wish he would have pulled a Ben Flapjack (no, I still don’t know his name) and just walked away without all the tears and what not. I love these moment. They are the most civil and kindest break ups ever. None of that “I hope you rot in hell demon spawn” happening here. It’s all sunshine and happiness with good thoughts and I wish you the best BS. OK, I also need to stop here and say that I do love Sean and how cool he is in his good bye confessional – Thank you for not crying, my dear. And here’s where he sells it to the producers and America… Ladies and gents, out next Bachelor!
Rachel: Dear God, I hope not.
Melissa: I’m just excited for next week. It’s our last chance for a peek at Sean and Doug, and I can’t wait. I’m also still loving the outtakes. How about half of a regular show, then the other half of the outtakes?