One Sentence Summary: Aviva joins Team Ramona to try and force an invitation for her so she’s not the only stuck on Manhattan with her.
Rachel: Oh boy, we’re about to watch Londongate 2012 go to Defcon 1 levels as Ramona’s desperation to get an invite goes off the chains. It is so bizarre to me to try this hard to get invited to something. I mean it’s not like you’re trying to get tickets to last Rollings Stones concert ever or The Oscars. You’re trying to get invited on a trip being hosted by a woman whom you do not like and who doesn’t like you. Call me crazy, but I’d rather stay home or book a separate trip to London with my actual friends. But not Ramona, she needs to be included come hell or high water. Well, at least she has the pot-stirrer Aviva on her team today to help beat the drum.
Melissa: Yes, it’s time to see if Ramona is going to make a last ditch effort to get herself an invite to London. I’m thinking she’ll attempt to drop another crumb or two then have a phenomenal freak-out thus proving Heather’s point of not wanting her cray-cray in the UK. There’s no way Ramona’s going down without a fight – no matter how inappropriate.
You Are An Excluder
Rachel’s What Happened: And we start off jumping right into it with Heather & Aviva. Well, first Aviva hears that Heather’s kid has started riding a two-wheeler so she needs to get her son on a two-wheeler immediately. You know, even the kids have to keep up with the Joneses. At least she admits she’s competitive. Now, let’s talk about London. Aviva wants Heather to know that she wishes she were going with the “cool girls” and she’s not staying back because of an alliance with Ramona. No, you’re staying back because you can’t leave your husband for 3 days. No no it’s not Aviva & Ramona vs the cool girls. But Aviva wants Heather to know that by excluding Ramona from the trip, that she will be known as an excluder. Uh, is that actually a real thing? And if so, I’m thinking it shouldn’t be discussed past the 5th grade. But not to worry, Heather doesn’t succumb to peer pressure that easily. Ramona hasn’t apologized to her for the unfiltered things she’s said nor has she changed her ways, so nope, no London. Heather wants to go, let her hair down & leave the bullshit behind. And by bullshit, she means Ramona. Look, if they got along or even were remotely chummy, it would be rude to not invite Ramona, but seeing as how Ramona openly dislikes Heather, it makes the point totally moot. Don’t you just love the word “moot”? But Aviva won’t let it go that Heather is an excluder so Heather says, out loud, that she very clearly did not invite Ramona because she doesn’t want her to go. Was that unclear before that statement, Aviva? Heather just doesn’t want someone totally unfiltered around her international partners. Can’t say as I blame her. Though I do have to wonder if she realizes that Sonja isn’t exactly working with the biggest of filters either… But the bottom line here is that it’s not your battle to fight, Aviva. Heather doesn’t care. Let it go, and here’s an idea, mind you own business.
Melissa: I wish I could just take the day off and chill in the park with my bestie. Did Aviva just call the ladies the cool girls? Well, Carole’s a cool girl… Wait Aviva, you don’t want to be excluded from trips yet you’ll never go on them if you have to take a plane, boat, or car for that matter? And why do you need Heather to own her diss? It’s her trip. You’re not even going, so what do you care?
Rachel’s What Happened: Time to go with LuAnn to the acupuncturist to see if she can’t get those eggs of hers to stand at attention through natural means. The doctor wants to make sure that she realizes that she’s no spring chicken and that this isn’t going to be easy. LuAnn understands and has apparently been trying for a year. She’s surprised that she hasn’t gotten pregnant yet. Really? You’re surprised? Honey, you’re 47-years-old. Biology isn’t on your side. The doctor thinks her best course of action is to use a donor egg, but LuAnn and Jacques prefer the natural route. M’kay, but you might want to be realistic that your eggs are on the front porch of the retirement home sipping tea and remembering the good old days. And apparently Jacques needs to get that memo as well since he thinks this shouldn’t be a problem at all. But the acupuncturist is willing to play ball (and take LuAnn’s money) and sticks some needles in her to get her to ovulate. Good luck and godspeed, LuAnn!
Melissa: So LuAnn is doing the acupuncture thing to get preggers? And they’ve been trying for over a year but she’s been taking prenatal vitamins for two years? Didn’t they just meet a year ago? I can’t do that math on that. For real, someone help me out. I mean didn’t she meet Jacque last season? OK, I’m all for holistic medicine, but I can’t get my head around acupuncture. I’m a big old cry-baby when it comes to needles of any kind. I’m going to need to top off before I pass out if we’re going to have acupuncture scenes.
Rachel’s What Happened: The doctor’s offices continue with a visit for Heather’s son, Jax. Since he has had a liver transplant, he is immunosuppressed. Sweet boy. Seems he’s been sick and even a cold can send him to the hospital. He takes medicine every day and has to wear a vest that shakes the mucous from his lungs. He also wears hearing aids. Oh, I just want to hug him. But the good news is that Jax is turning 7 and they will get to cross off a laundry list of potential problems. But just as the smiles are returning to our faces, the doctor tells Heather that 20% of people waiting for transplants die because we have a shortage of organs in this country. Ugh… Heather tells us that her son’s donor gave life to 50 people that would have died otherwise. It has made her become a very active participant in the organ donor charity world. Very touching… But of course, if Ramona were there, she’d be telling us that Avery was born blue so she really is the most traumatized.
Melissa: Oh poor Jax. I mean it’s awesome what he’s fought through, but it breaks my heart when the little ones have issues. OK, PSA time – If you can, register to become an organ donor. It’s an amazing and selfless act.
Invitation Not Obligation
Rachel’s What Happened: So now that Aviva has failed to convert Heather to Team Ramona, she goes after Sonja. But first she has to make sure that Sonja knows that her not going to London has nothing to do with Ramona. She’s not gluing herself to Ramona. Uh, yeah, we know. You’re not going because you’re glued to your husband. But she doesn’t want to be left off of Team Cool Girls. Too late. I think there’s still room on Team Insecure though. Sonja explains to Aviva that just because they both love Ramona doesn’t mean that Heather wants to have her on the trip. A theory lost on Aviva clearly. Then Aviva asks if the fight between Sonja & Ramona at the Social Life party was real. Sonja says that that’s just Ramona – she says hurtful things and you just accept that about her. Wait, you do? Yeah, thanks but I’ll pass on that kind of friendship. Aviva just feels badly that Ramona was excluded. Sonja says it was an invitation not an obligation. Oh, I love that! She says that Ramona should be focusing on the fact that there is a wrinkle in her relationship with Heather and going forward from there. But it’s not for Sonja to fix. She is there for Ramona when it’s about what she can give her, but she can’t make people want to be around her. Look at Sonja making all kinds of sense! That’s right, Sonja – We learned in 5th grade that not everyone is invited to the birthday party.
Well, since she can’t win over Sonja with Ramona, she tries a new tack – A party. She & Reid never had a wedding or any celebration of their marriage. So, she would like to throw a 5th anniversary party and have Sonja plan it. Much better plan there, Aviva. Give “Sonja In The City” some business. But she would prefer it be a toaster-oven-recipe-free event. Finally, Aviva and I agree on something.
Melissa: What’s Aviva’s thing with Ramona and wanting to get her to London? I mean, it’s not like you’re going so what’s the point? To make everyone miserable dealing with cray-cray while you’re bunkered down in your gas mask laughing at their misfortune? Let me also say if someone had gone all up in my face like Ramona did at Sonja’s party I would have slapped her. Ramona acts this way because no one tells her she can’t. Wait, who asks their friend to throw them a party? Oh right, Sonja’s a party planner – why do I keep forgetting that?
It’s For Class Credit
Rachel’s What Happened: Another intern for Sonja. She clearly needs three interns to work out of her bedroom while she wanders around in her pajamas because that’s appropriate. I mean she has a 5-floor home to deal with… Uh, aren’t those called maids? Sorry, cleaning ladies? Sorry, cleaning people? And what are you doing with your time that you can’t read 200 emails in a day. I read that many and I’m not, um, an “important socialite” like Sonja. Though I have to say that I’m going to have to look into this class credit intern thing. Seems like a very sneaky and legal-ish way to get some free help with… uh… stuff. Sonja has joined Christian Mingle after she joined eHarmony and they told her she was unmatchable. And you think Christian Mingle is going to be better?
Melissa: Oh look, Sonja has more indentured servants! Right, she needs them because she runs a 5 floor home. I wish I could get some servants, but I only run a 3 floor home around a full time job, raising a 7 year old boy and this here blog. Sigh, maybe I should ask the husband to put another floor on the house and write a book, then maybe I can get people to send me their kids regardless of child labor laws. How many pills does this woman take? Sweet Mary how is that even legal??
Rachel’s What Happened: Next up, we get to go on a date with Carole. She is meeting up with a man that she met at one of Sonja’s parties. I think she said his name is Hamen and he is a fashion designer. He’s pretty cute and certainly younger than our girl … and I love that. Rock on. He tells her that someone wants him to go to St. Barts to meet Rick Perry. With that news the date almost comes to a screeching halt as Carole thinks she may have agreed to go out with a Republican. Ha ha… I love her. Now, I don’t want to get into any partisan arguments here. I just love a woman that has convictions and isn’t willing to bend them just to land a man. It’s the anti-Kim Kardashian view of the world which I appreciated more than you can imagine. But her date just wants to help him with his suits. He’s straight, good looking, employed… Carole is shocked. He says he’s a rare species, but our friend thinks he said “pussy”. LOL… Where’s your head Carole? Then she tells him about her career and I love that he doesn’t even flinch. That’s a secure man. A rare breed, indeed. He tells her that he’s 31 and she about falls off her chair. She prefers men her own age which she tells us is somewhere between 37 & 45. Well, send him this way if you’re not interested. I’m not scared.
Melissa: Finally, I get some Carole time. I like her. I’m sure it won’t last. I think I liked each of the housewives for a few episodes. OK Carole, why would he be lying about being 31? Only women lie about their age from my experience. I’m a fan of her date though. He’s just adorbs and I’m a sucker for an accent.
Bitchy Mogul Of The Year
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona is at the Stevie Awards for Women in Business to receive the 2011 award for Mogul of the Year. Really? OK. I guess you can’t take her success away from her, though I’m not sure I’d liken that award to an Oscar. During someone else’s speech they say that they don’t believe women can have it all and Ramona decides that it must be because she hates men. Wow, you can’t even be gracious for an hour, can you? You didn’t even bother to listen to the rest of her statement.
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole & Ramona meet up for lunch which must be served right away because Ramona is hungry and hunger makes her edgier than normal. Lord, she must be starving all the time. Ramona asked to meet because Heather invited the girls to go shopping and Ramona needs to bounce some things off of Carole before they go. Ramona says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do when she sees Heather, but she knows she’s going to pull her aside and confront her. Carole thinks that’s a bad idea & recommends talking to Heather another time in a calm manner which sends Ramona into full bug-eyed spew. She doesn’t know why Heather is mean to her when she is so nice and then proceeds to talk more shit about Heather. OMG Ramona, give it up. You don’t like her and she doesn’t like you. End of story. But to be honest, I think what’s really bothering Ramona is that she doesn’t like to not be liked. She gets to be the one that has the issue with people and not the other way around. But no one is going to defect from Heather’s camp and it’s driving her crazy. Carole said she tried to appeal to Ramona’s sense of logic and realized that Ramona & logic do not go together. So, she goes to Plan B: change the subject. Smart cookie. She brings up the fact that she was married to a prince, which makes her a princess. This is the best news Ramona’s heard all year because she has one up on LuAnn. That’s right Ramona, you were so busy hating Heather that you forgot that you hate LuAnn.
Melissa: For real, how old are these women? Well Ramona, at least, who is acting like a snubbed 14 year old. Oh Carole, really you’re trying to be logical with Ramona? That’s like trying to teach a gnat to sing a cappella. Way to change the subject… Man that was a huge shiny object to shake at Ramona. You’ll now be “princess” forever, especially in front of LuAnn!
Rachel’s What Happened: Heather & Aviva get to Curves early for the shopping date. Heather says she’s looking for a few things for London which Aviva says is rubbing it in that she’s not going. I think she was joking, but you do know you said no to the trip, right? Aviva is offered a pair of sparkly shoes by the owner of the shop but waves them off because she doesn’t like to draw attention to her feet. I’m about to be impressed that we don’t hear the whole story again, but Heather jumps in an tells them that Aviva is an amputee. I wonder if that’s your story to be sharing, Heather, especially now that everyone is uncomfortable. Granted she was playing the “isn’t she amazing” card, but ya still fell pretty flat there.
Carole & Ramona show up and Heather asks her friend, the shop owner, to put together something for Ramona – a little make-over if you will. Ramona will not. She finds that rude. Sigh… But she puts on the same hideous coat as Aviva & plays ball. Heather thinks Ramona should try a little more downtown style to break out of her rut, but Ramona hates everything she tries on. Mostly that’s because Heather has no taste in clothes evidenced by what she’s wearing. Oh they’re so exhausting. If we all had the same taste in clothes, there’d only be one store and it would be Gap where nothing is offensive. But Ramona’s behavior toward the clothes in front of the owner, just reinforces Heather’s decision to not invite her to London. Well, after her behavior with the designer in Morocco last year, are you surprised? She has zero tact.
Heather, undaunted by the rudeness, takes Ramona aside and says that she wants to apologize for hurting her feelings. Ramona says that she didn’t hurt her feelings. Hold the phone. Let me put this on pause so I can wrap my head around that giant sized lie. You’ve been crying for two weeks now. Don’t play, Ramona. Don’t. Anywho, Ramona says that she heard from Aviva that Heather’s feelings were hurt because she said she talks too much. Heather says that Aviva was just trying to be a peacemaker and tells Aviva that her feelings weren’t hurt. Ramona wants Aviva to admit that she said that, which she does, and then tosses her under the bus by telling Heather that Aviva said she talks to much too. Well, see what happens when you’re nosing around in everyone’s business, Aviva? Comes back to bite you in the ass. Heather has had enough of Aviva and tells Ramona that part of what’s happening is a misunderstanding about talking to much & London. Well, wait… Ramona isn’t going to let her off the hook about London under the guise of a misunderstanding… No way. She says she felt excluded. That was not Heather’s intention. Then why wasn’t she invited? Heather tries to tell her that she wanted an easy trip and that she has connected with the other women in an “easy” way. Yeah, that’s code for “I just don’t like you.” I give Heather props for trying to be tactful but you know that won’t fly with Thee of No Tact Ramona. She says that she honestly felt like Ramona doesn’t like her, which she doesn’t, but Ramona says she wouldn’t have invited her to her home for dinner if she didn’t like her. That’s a different circumstance to Heather. Ramona goes to her usual “You’re not making sense.” attack in hopes of shaking Heather the way it shakes most people into submission. But not Heather, she says that she thinks she’s making sense so this is where they disconnect. And with that, Ramona’s out. Time to come up with a new plan of attack.
Meanwhile, Carole is on the phone getting the news that her book is going to be made into a TV show. And this is before it’s even published. Pretty impressive. She goes back in to the share the good news and interrupts Aviva pushing Heather again to apologize to Ramona & invite her to London. OMG, Aviva, shut your pie hole. It’s not your fight! Was that not just made very clear to you? And good on Heather for not backing down. It is exhausting! For all of us! And good on Heather for telling Aviva to not talk behind her back again. Of course Aviva says it didn’t happen like that. Do you not realize that you’re being filmed? Anyway, Carole tells the girls good news and everyone is excited, especially Ramona who yips like a chihuahua and jumps into Carole’s arms. But of course she can’t let Carole have the spotlight for too long and lets everyone know her pinot grigio will be in Target stores. Way to steal thunder Ramona. Carole recognizes that Ramona can’t stand not being the center of attention. Ya think?
All the girls leave except for Ramona & Aviva. After Ramona insults another article of clothing, she asks Aviva for her analysis of what went down. If there’s an ounce of brain function in that head of hers, Aviva will play Switzerland. Aviva says there was no resolution and it’s awkward. Well, that wasn’t the worst thing she could say. I guess baby steps, right? But Ramona gets it now. Heather’s world is just about Heather, Heather, Heather. You mean like Ramona’s world is all about Ramona, Ramona, Ramona?
Melissa: Aviva honey, it’s not rubbing in when someone talks about a trip you have opted out of. Oh these poor people at the shop! How awkward is this whole event now that it has a splash of Ramona? HA, that’s right Aviva, Ramona calls out anyone and everyone. She will throw anyone under the bus and doesn’t think twice about it. She’ll snap at someone to let you speak until she doesn’t want you to speak because she has something to say. Ah the joys of a friendship with Ramona. Wait, Carole’s book isn’t even done yet and it’s going to be turned into a tv show? Can that happen? Oh pause a second Aviva, you have to stop telling Heather to invite Ramona to London like that. You aren’t even going!! You get NO say in that trip or who should go on it! HA, I love the Ramona wine trump. That woman can’t just let someone have the spotlight for a single moment! Hey Ramona, should Heather’s world only be about Ramona? I don’t get it.
Rachel: Oh please let this London trip happen so we can stop talking about. I can’t take much more.
Melissa: Seriously, I’m about as done with Ramona as I am with Teresa on the Housewives. I can’t wait for London so maybe there’s a little Ramonacoaster down time.