Real Housewives of New Jersey: Temporary Shrinkage

One Sentence Summary:  Couple’s Therapy for Teresa has even the good doctor at a loss for words dealing with Teresa.

Our Thoughts:

You have no idea how many muppets I needed for these shoulder pads.

Rachel:  Shoot me…  I actually feel the wind go out of my sails when I realize I have an hour of Teresa in front of me.  She actually freaks me out.  She’s so off the rails crazy and self-centered that it seems impossible that she exists in real life.  Well, in real reality half-scripted life.  While I am sure half these situations are contrived, I do think her narcissism is 100% real.  It’s not an act.  She’s a nightmare.  And I wish she would stop coming into my house once a week and terrorizing me.  What’s that?  I don’t have to watch?  Oh… Well, but then what would I do with all this angst?  Ponder that for a moment.

Melissa:  Here we go, back to Teresa faking her love for her family since she has run everyone else off.  Just a heads up, I’m of little patience today. We’re in the middle of a heatwave up here in Jersey and my husband dragged me out to the golf course today.  Granted, I made up for that with some lovely Sauvignon Blanc, but apparently I didn’t steel my nerves enough to prepare for Teresa.  I should have gone with the dirty martini instead.

Family First

Get this, I put the girls to work, I got 3 hours of free labor today and I got to sit on my ass.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Father of the Year Joe has his daughters in their overalls and pink work boots to help with the new garage / retirement home for Teresa’s parents.  At least he’s wearing a wife beater while he has them mixing and hauling cement for the work site.  Yeah, that seems normal. My dad had me doing that all the time when I was little.  Well, given he is a mechanic he didn’t have me mixing cement.  Yeah, sorry, I wasn’t working in the garage either.  Granted I think washing his new black truck with windex and paper towels may have been a small factor.

Side bar… WTF is on Teresa’s head?  I’m kind of thinking child services might be showing up at the house after this.

OK, so they aren’t building an apartment for Teresa’s parents, but she also is still annoyed that her friend was worried about her.  Apparently it’s none of her business what is happening in Teresa’s life… It’s the entire reading population of In Touch magazine, but not her friend of 15 years.  I love she wants a refund if therapy with her brother doesn’t work.  Yeah, that’s how it’s gonna go.  Um really, we have to liken the stucco to a vajayjay?  I knew I couldn’t make it though an episode without Joe turning my stomach.  Maybe I’ll have that dirty martini after all.

Rosie arrives to chat with Teresa, but how she can have this conversation with Teresa looking like a busted up Solid Gold Dancer is beyond me.  I’m waiting for her bust out some jazzy arm swings to “Let’s Get Physical”.  Rosie questions Teresa about what she read about Kathy in the rags.  Teresa tells her it’s BS.  Rosie suggests that Teresa actually do something publicly to say it’s all a lie, but Teresa quickly pulls a Jedi mind-trick and says she doesn’t store things in her head, but thinks there were articles about Kathy bashing her.  Quick thinking Teresa, but we all know you ARE putting the stories out there, and it’s funding your new garage.  Oh, so Teresa’s spin is that Kathy hated that Rosie was gay and shut her out, and it makes her sick to her stomach.  She claims the best thing to do is communicate, and brings in the betrayal by the Manzos and the Lauritas but it’s made her realize the importance of focusing on family.  Sweet Mary I need to go get a pair of muck boots to get through this sh*t she’s putting out there.

Rachel:  I thought there were laws against child labor?  Though, why start following the rules of law now, I suppose.  And how is Jacqueline out of line asking if you’re building an apartment?  That’s out of bounds?  So, sell your personal stories to the rags, but don’t let your friends ask any questions.  Makes sense.  I can’t wait to see Teresa try and play Rosie.  Don’t even back down Rosie.  Just kick her ass.  Please.  Just kick her stupid “my brain doesn’t store things” ass up and down the road.  That’s a good point.  Why doesn’t Teresa do an article saying she never said those things?  Oh right, because she actually did.  And did Teresa just out Kathy as being the one that was mean to her?  Jesus, Teresa, just take one iota of responsibility for something.  ANYTHING.  Oh, I freaking hate her.

Angel??

Oh no you didn’t just try call yourself an Angel from God.  Quick I need to think of something before my mouth drops open in shock

Melissa’s What Happened:  At Kathy’s, Joe and Melissa tease Rich about kissing Joe Giudice (that’s just all kinds of nasty if you ask me).  Joe tells them Teresa agreed to therapy and actually said that she might be at fault also.  I like Rich’s take on therapy that it will be an unbiased person telling Teresa she’s wrong and he won’t have to listen to it anymore.  Did I just hear Joe claim to be an angel from God?  OK, I think he needs a different therapy for those delusions of grandeur!!

Rosie stops by, helping herself to a drink to share tales of her visit with Teresa.  She tells them she bought into the Teresa magic and almost forgot about the viper that lies beneath.  Way to lay it out there Rosie!!  Yes, she’s trying to make amends with you all because she has no one else but Joe and there’s a chance he’s going to be doing some time.  Captain Obvious (aka: Rich) points out that the ladies are friendly with Caroline and Jacqueline and asks how they are going to balance that with their new bestie Teresa.  Joe thinks therapy will make Teresa understand what she does that’s wrong.  Aw Lawd Joe, if you think that’s gonna happen you might as well come over here and I’ll charge you half the price because as soon as she hears any negativity she’ll think you put the good doc up to it.

Rachel:  I’m an angel from G-d.  Uh, Joe, anyone who says that needs therapy.  But let’s all be honest, it’s a joke.  They’re just going because they both think they’re right and want someone to tell the other one they’re wrong.  Good luck with that.

Napa Plans

The producers really aren’t going to make us go with Joe and Teresa are they?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Is Lauren still calling herself the fat girl?  Yes, OY… I’m about done with this story line.  I get it, you aren’t happy with yourself.  News flash, NO ONE IS!!  I feel like it’s becoming a crutch for her at this point.  Girl, just embrace who you are, and eat and exercise to be healthy not look like a lollipop!!  Guess what, even the size 2 girls aren’t magically happy, though when I fit into my favorite skinny jeans it does put a spring in my step, but still.

Chris asks who’s excited about the RV trip.  I’m going out on a limb here and saying Bravo is forcing them to travel via RV just for the sake of getting a good smack down out of the group.  Caroline isn’t sure.  Jacqueline wonders why the situation makes sense when no one is speaking.  Well, again, Bravo producers at work I’m sure.  If it were my call I wouldn’t want to spend 10 minutes in a car with Teresa let along drive across the country with her.  Jacqueline will be civil about it all if the Giudices insist on going.  Chris Manzo hits it on the head that Teresa doesn’t even need to be there to “F” his whole night up.  Amen brotha, think about how our Sunday nights suffer at her hand!!

Rachel:  I’m also about sick of Lauren calling herself a fat girl.  She needs therapy.  Seriously.  It’s a huge problem.  It’s not just the food that’s an issue.  It’s her total lack of self-esteem.  I really hate to hear her disparaging herself constantly.  And that idiot that gave her egg whites and shakes – a recipe for failure – certainly didn’t help.  And I love that Bravo is still going to put all the NJ peeps in an RV and send them to Napa together.  Yes, the happy full cast trip of every season.  RVs + wine + people who hate each other = Happy happy joy joy.

Sunday Dinner, Jersey Style

How different can the gay bar be? Rich says the music is great.

Melissa’s What Happened:  MAN, I wish I was invited over for dinner!!  Kathy’s mom is cooking the old school dinner for the family because that’s what you do on Sunday night.  Rich suggests Rosie get a love life going, and Kathy asks if Rosie would take her out to the “lady bar”.  Hello awkward conversation with the kids

Rachel:  I love Sunday family dinner.  It’s such a nice tradition.  My family does it every Sunday, and even though we all drive each other crazy, it’s a wonderful tradition.  Families are supposed to make each other nuts.

Ashlee Update

When I stress about Ashlee I do hula arms, see…

Melissa’s What Happened:  Back at the Laurita’s, talk turns to Albie’s new girlfriend.  It’s an official relationship, but Lauren doesn’t want to like her because who knows with Albie and he might get sick of this new one.  Caroline thinks (hopes) they’ll be meeting her soon.  Here’s a question, at what point in “dating” do introductions happen?  I mean mine was sort of forced at a wedding I attended with my parents (12+ years ago), but what’s the protocol nowadays?    I can’t keep track of Housewife time to get how long the flashback happened.  Lauren doesn’t want to invest in liking the girls and building friendships that make her brother mad after they break up.

Trying to change the subject Christopher goes for the ultimate conversation killer, Ashlee, who by the way got herself a new skull tat to remind herself of days at a bar… on her hand even.  OK, now I totally need to see this foolishness.  Always queen of the silver lining, Caroline points out that maybe when she’s older it will be a reminder of what an ass she was.  Doubtful Caroline, very doubtful.  Lip injections too?  Who paid for that??  I really don’t understand how this girl is able to work this family and still gets to go out to California.  Chris thinks it’s going to be a nightmare… Don’t need a crystal ball for that one Chris.

Rachel:  Wait, Ashlee got a tattoo on her hand to remind her of a bar where she hung out?  How monumentally stupid.  But saying that Ashlee did something stupid is like saying the Pope did something Catholic.  It’s just how it goes.  And really?  Lip injections too?  Oh, that I need to see.  Yeah, seriously, can you shoot us a little scene just so we can check it out?  I mean I’m not asking for you to bring her back into full rotation or anything.  Just a little sneak-a-peek….

Mama’s Story

Finally I have a story that will shut Rich up!

Melissa’s What Happened:  While Kathy and Rosie have had their share of fighting, Kathy thinks she needed to come to terms with herself.  Mama Maria tells the family she was sent to her Aunt’s at 5 years old because the aunt didn’t have any children.  Say what?  She didn’t remember her mother and siblings, and didn’t feel anything for them until she had her own children.  Oh man, that’s crazy.  I don’t know how someone could do that.  Oh I love this woman!  Even when children give you a hard time it’s what makes them more precious.  I could eat you with a spoon Mama!!  She’s never held a grudge and thinks people should always forgive.  Kathy hopes through therapy Teresa and Joe can give up their grudges and love each other.  OK, I almost spit out my wine laughing at the absurdity of that statement.

Rachel:  Holy shit, Kathy’s mom just gave her to her aunt like an old dress?  Are you kidding me?  Who does that?  I mean it’s terrible that her aunt couldn’t have children and I know it’s a different time, but that is still a terribly traumatizing thing to do to a child.  I’m in shock.  That poor woman.  And to be such a strong, loving mother after that?  Amazing.  I want to hug her.  And it’s incredible that she holds no grudges.  We could all learn a little something from her.  Wow, life lessons from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Who knew…

Family “Lunch”

I wish I was adopted

Melissa’s What Happened:  Since God forbid Teresa actually tell the truth to ANYONE around her, she tells the girls she’s having lunch with Joe and one of the girls (I get them confused, I think it’s Milania) responds with who cares about Uncle Joe.  Since the cameras are rolling Teresa acts offended and upset her daughter would say such a thing.  Are you kidding me woman??  That’s what you’ve been saying all season. Why wouldn’t she say the same?  Wow, this is such a dysfunctional family!!

Pre-therapy Jitters?

Yes honey, I’m wearing the Pink shirt like you told me to.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa calls Joe before the session to ask if he’s nervous.  OK, I really don’t get this.  Joe knows he’s not going to get his old sister back, but hopefully she can be an Aunt to his children and love their children as much as he loves hers.  She hopes he doesn’t get worked up and thinks that if he stays calm, there might be progress.  He hopes Teresa opens up and doesn’t blame others… pffft!!

Rachel:  Oh boy, here we go.  I do find it somewhat funny that Joe is putting on a tie to go to therapy.  I mean it’s nice to see him respect the process, but it’s also so… fussy.

Father Knows Best

Look Dad, you can drink from a bottle at home.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Walking with her father Jerry, who reminds her that girls don’t drink from a bottle (doh), she asks if he’s talked to Ashlee.  He has and her new deal is wanting to go to Hollywood which he doesn’t care for.  Jacqueline tells him about the falling out with Teresa.  That’s right Pops, call her on it.  Why does she care?  We’ve all been asking the same thing.  He thinks she cares too much, and not everyone is a friend like she is.  Jacqueline is still torn up about the loss, but if you ask me, she’s SO much better off.

Rachel:  Hey Jerry, don’t be ripping on the whole of Hollywood.  There are some damn fine places to live out there.  I doubt any in Ashlee’s price range since she’s been cut off, but let the girl figure that out.  Grandpa nails it – Ashlee IS exhausting.  And speaking of, are we really talking about Teresa again?  But I like Jacqueline’s dad.  He’s got some pretty sensible things to say to his daughter.  Teresa is who she is and Jacqueline can’t make her be anything else.  You don’t like who she’s become?  Move on.  Yep, dad’s got a point.

Analyze Me

I don’t have problems, fix my brother

Melissa’s What Happened:  Here we go!!  Um, anyone else slightly skeeved when Joe tells his sister “You’re wearing red, that’s a sexy color”.  Sweet Mary I think I need a double!  OK, maybe a cupcake and a piece of chocolate will help get me through this.  Teresa’s not nervous, she’s excited.  So Dr. Mike (Michael Sweeney) tells them he’ll have a conversation with each of them separately, then a conversation with them together.  Teresa starts by telling the doctor he’ll need to speak with Joe about getting past what’s bothering him.  You can totally see the look of understanding in his eyes “Oh, you’re one of THOSE”.  She doesn’t think Joe would walk in there and say the same about her.  Even starts shaking her head with a “no way doc” look.  She’s priceless, really!  She’s upset that he never calls her now that he’s married.  Doc points out that her issues are actually with Melissa and not Joe (news flash).  She goes through the backstory – we all know that Joe blames her for not being around, Melissa never tried with Gia who didn’t like her (honestly, Gia can be a bit of a bitch, what’s the point in trying).

Bottom line… She’s not a grudge holder.  Interesting and yet she can splay out their issues in a rapid fire pace because she’s let it all go.  It’s all water under the bridge and she has never done anything to either of them.  They have a problem communicating, and doc thinks her viewpoint already has her walking in with a chip on her shoulder.  Doc, that’s a big old redwood she has on that shoulder.  Doc thinks she’s an emotional person and walking away is the best thing she can do when she’s feeling upset.

Rachel:  How’d this poor sap get stuck with these two?  I hope they’re paying him a lot.  I wonder if Teresa hears the words that come out of her mouth.  And you gotta love that she corrects the therapist.  It’s all about Melissa for Teresa.  Nothing is her fault.  Nothing is Joe’s fault.  It’s all Melissa’s fault.  It’s so petty and out of control.

Rosie’s Big Night Out

Should I write it down so you remember my name?

Melissa’s What Happened:  At the Cubby Hole Kathy’s friend Heather joins Rosie’s cause you know her behavior towards Rosie wasn’t enough the last time these two were together.  Kathy thinks bringing Heather along will get everyone’s appetite going?  Um, I’m confused with that logic, but I’ll run with it for now.  Since Rosie seems to be a bit of a wallflower and not putting herself out there, Kathy decides to scout the bar.  Oh, that and Rosie isn’t going to chase anyone.  Well, now that’s a good attitude. That will get you lots of dates, my dear.  As they make the rounds Rosie must be drunk because she has to ask the pretty blonde her name 3 times… Kathy agrees with me.  Ya gots to remember the bitch’s name.

Rachel:  I love that Kathy is going to a lesbian bar with her sister.  Less excited that Heather is joining.  She can’t stop herself from making everything about her.  This is about Rosie finding a girl and not telling you how fabulous you are.  Besides Rosie’s got TV cameras following her so it’s a built-in chick magnet.  Ha!  The bar is called Cubby Hole.  Hilarious.

Joe’s Turn

Listen, just tell me what’s going to fix it.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Doc comes out swinging asking what Joe’s grievance is with his sister.  Joe thinks when his daughter was born that Teresa should have loved her like he loves her kids, and it didn’t happen.  It was then that Teresa became competitive with Melissa, turning evil and saying nasty things.  He thinks if he accepted her husband and all the things he said about Joe that Teresa should have done the same with Melissa.  He doesn’t think she meant for it to happen but didn’t fight it.

Rachel:  Welcome to the only person in the room that’s open to therapy.  I mean as much as I rip on Joe, I think his intentions are actually good and he honestly wants to fix it.  She wants to be right.  He wants to be helped.  Well, he kinda wants to be right, for sure, but he’s way more open.  So, the therapist recommends letting go of the past, moving forward peacefully and not contributing to perpetuating the arguments.  Simple right?

Couple’s Therapy

I know that look doc, she’s already decided you’re wrong.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Doc reminds the duo that they both said how much family matters to them so it should be an easy fix because they both want the same thing.  Um, no doc. Teresa wants to be right and you to tell Joe he needs to change.  Oh, sorry no one asked me.  They need to avoid old grievances.  They need an occasion to get the family together and should reinstate the Sunday Night dinners to try to get together in a happy place.  They need to focus on not doing things that will possibly make things bad.  The more times they are together when it’s nice the easier it will become.  Teresa, seeing a move to score points with the good doc, asks Joe if he wants to share an RV for the Napa trip.  NOOOOO JOE!!  A thousand times NOOO!!  OK, this doc might be smart (which means Bravo will never show his face again) and says that that is essentially courting disaster.  Teresa thinks she should prove him wrong and share an RV.  And on that note, Doctor Mike calls it quits.  You know doctors love to be told their business.

In the lobby, Teresa says if there are current things that bother Joe that she needs to talk to him.  So, he brings up the magazine article saying he stole their parents money.  Teresa, of course, has NO idea how that “got out there”, and defends herself.  Well, defends herself and throws Jacqueline under the bus.

Oh dear lord, I gotta go off script here.  What’s up with the Elvira muppet look??  Sorry, it’s been a long day of drinking, maybe my eyes aren’t clear.

Anyway, Joe tells her when they cross through the door of the office it’s all over – bahahaha is what I have to say to that Joe.  Apparently that is code for “let’s lose our shit in the stairwell” and it goes a little something like this:

Joe:  You want to move the parents into the shack you built, Dad doesn’t want to go
Teresa:  Buy him a house… You’re doing so well. What’s the big deal?  If I had the money I would give it to them.
Joe:  You don’t have the money?  Why you got this F***ing purse?  That’s an expensive purse.  I mean you don’t F***ing get it!

Teresa says he needs to know she loves him, but she doesn’t know he loves her.  You know what I know… The both of you are bananas!!  They are going to love each other because Joe is the only person Teresa has.

Rachel:  And I take back what I just said about Joe wanting help since he just said that he doesn’t understand why he has to do something extra to make their relationship work.   Uh, really?  Because it doesn’t work doing what you’re doing now, genius.  And please listen to the therapist when he says not to share an RV in Napa.  Please.  But Teresa wants to prove him wrong by sharing an RV.  Yeah, good luck with that.

Are they really getting into an argument in the lobby of their therapist’s office?  That’s freaking awesome!  And they have now said 4 times that they are putting everything behind them and moving forward… Yes, forward right into another argument.  They can’t even make it out of the lobby without arguing.  Napa should be fun.  For all of us.

BTW, I so badly want to wax Teresa’s hairline back about two inches so she has an actual forehead.  It drives me crazy.  And whatever ‘do she was just sporting in the interview with it all blown back & out just made it oh so much more apparent.  Don’t ever do that again.  Ever.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  I. Hate. Teresa.  Period.

Melissa:  Anyone else’s head hurt?  I’ve got a full on cupcake sugar high and a pounding headache.

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