One Sentence Summary: The ex-wives of some famous men get together for some support and some cocktails.
Rachel: So I’m not sure yet if I’m going to cover the whole season of this show, as the jury is still out on my interest level. I mean I loved Mob Wives for about two weeks before it became redundant and insufferable. I say that assuming this blog is still too small for that sentence to reach anyone associated with the show. If I’m wrong, then I retract that statement entirely and replace it with “Mob Wives is the bomb!” But so far, so good on the first two episodes of Hollywood Exes that premiered tonight. The men these women were married to are crazy enough to at least give them a few stories if they’re so much interesting on their own. Let’s meet the cast…
Andrea Kelly (ex of R Kelly) – First of all, I had no idea R Kelly was even married. I guess he kept that in the closet too. What must that have been like? Living in that world might be more interesting than Prince. No, probably not. Anyway, Andrea is moving to LA with her assistant to start her own dance company. First impression is that I love her. She’s hilarious and seems (“seems” being the operative word) down to earth. I love her assistant too, especially when he tells her she’s an ugly cryer. Good start.
Nicole Murphy (ex of Eddie Murphy) – My goodness she’s beautiful. Must be hard living life looking like that. Well, and apparently it’s also hard, as she tells us, to go from flying on Eddie Murphy’s private jet to having to fly commercial after their divorce. It’s also hard to have to go from having a private chef to cooking your own food. Uh, yeah, no one feels sorry for you. I kept waiting for that moment of humility from her, but it never came. I’m going to give her a chance though… We shall see. Oh and she’s currently married to Michael Strahan.
Sheree Fletcher (ex of Will Smith) – Sheree has a son with Will Smith, but now that he has turned 18, the child support checks have stopped making her life less cushy. Wamp wamp… She is married to ex-NFL player Terrell Fletcher who is now a pastor living in San Diego while she runs her skin care business in LA. I assume she’ll be the one that tells all the ladies how to behave.
Jessica Canseco (ex of Jose Canseco) – Well, we’re 30 seconds in to hearing how she’s a “free spirit” and already a crotch shot. She married Jose Canseco at 19 and has a daughter, Josie, with him. She was also married after him yet uses Jose’s last name. Alright… She has a cosmetic tattooing business. She seems like she likes to push the envelope for attention. I’m not sure I’m going to like this one… Nope, not sure at all.
Mayte Garcia (ex of Prince) – OK, I am totally fascinated by her. I think Prince is a genius and such an enigma that I can’t imagine being married to him. She lives at home with her mother and a menagerie of animals. She really wants to get married and have babies. She was engaged to Tommy Lee but he’s not interested in children so she broke it off. Prince & Tommy Lee… damn. She says that she has gone on OkCupid (online Dating site) and men will tell her they play guitar, which makes her laugh. Yeah, I bet.
OK, introductions out of the way and we go with Jessica & Nicole to a medical spa. Jessica brought Nicole along for her vaginal rejuvenation appointment. Um, who invites their friend to a vaginal rejuvenation? Some things just don’t need to be shared. And I still don’t get the procedure in general. I will never get it. I also don’t need to see anyone’s hooha, no matter how good of friends we are. When you tell me that it’s all shiny & new, I’m just going to take your word for it. And can we talk about her wearing biker shorts & high heels? Not even wedges. Actual pumps. Just the cherry on the tacky sundae.
Samantha Daniels, high-end matchmaker, shows up at Mayte’s to talk about setting her up on some dates. She says she wants her to prep her house for a date to see it & she’ll be back to review. Um, ok. Meanwhile, I would not want to be the man to have to follow Prince & Tommy Lee. Yipes.
In other news, Nicole meets up with Sheree for lunch because she needs to talk to a friend about something going on with her. She put her money into a trust to help grow her business and now it’s gone. Seems the people that she trusted to run the fund, stole from her. She said she’s going to sue them even though most people just walk away out of shame. Who walks away from having their money stolen? I guess people with too much money. Man it’s so much easier being poor.
Andrea tells us that Nicole is hosting a dinner tonight to introduce her to the rest of the girls. She is excited but her assistant thinks it’s going to be drama. She says no. They’re grown women who are going to talk about mortgages and stretch marks. I’m going to say no on the stretch marks, but I hope she’s right about these ladies being grown. Between the Housewives and the Basketball Wives and the Mob Wives, it would be a nice break in the shouting if the Ex Wives kept the decibels & drama low.
Jessica meet Joe for lunch and I have to say that I find him to be so unattractive. Just everything about him seems sleazy. Jessica tells us that the book he wrote outing a bunch of baseball players for doing steroids ruined his career. Yeah, ya think? He narc’d out his colleagues. Who would hire him after that? Seems someone in Mexico would… Well, for a minute since they fired him too. Now that he is broke, he is done chasing his dream & moving to LA for his daughter. And he would like to live with his ex so they can be a family. Say what? Oh and he hasn’t paid child support for 7 years. Uh, are you kidding me? That is a monumentally bad idea and he is so clearly doing it b/c he’s broke and needs a place to live. He even tells Jessica that it’s her turn to pay the bills. Remember when I said he was sleazy? Yeah…
Time for the first group dinner. The girls says that they had no idea R Kelly was married. Thank you! Andrea agrees that no one knew he was married! She wants to know when it gets better. Sheree has some kind words for her and tells us that she lost herself being married to Will, but divorcing him so quickly was reckless. She says that they must be some bad mamma jammas to have married the ment they married. And as much as I want to roll my eyes and make a nasty comment, I have to admit that that’s actually true. And we make it through a dinner with no
jabs or drinks thrown.
Some time for dancing and drinking with the girls & Jose. His charming streak continues when he tells Jessica that he doesn’t like her outfit. She has nice legs, but the outfit is ugly. Nice guy. But the girls don’t let him bring them down and celebrate with some shots. Well, shots for everyone but Sheree. When she asked “What would Jesus do?”, the answer was not shots. Someone says Mayte should go on a date with Jose. Mayte would rather eat dog shit. Right there with you sister.
Sheree introduces Andrea to the Sprinkles cupcake ATM. Yes, that exists and it’s genius. Cupcakes at 3am. And the world is good. I just love Andrea. “Shut the door & check your email” might have to be my new favorite phrase. She says that she realizes no one knew R Kelly was married and that she was a secret. That was hard for her. But like Tina Turner, when they got divorced, she said, “You can have everything but I’m keeping the name.” Right on, girl!
Jessica’s daughter Josie admits that not having her father around has caused issues for her. Jessica apologizes for being a bad example having gone through two divorces and taking two father figures away from her daughter. Later, Jessica brings up the idea of Jose moving in with them. Wait, why are they at a costume store for dance clothes? Anyway, Josie calls bullshit on her mom saying that it’s platonic and it’s just for her. She says be a family or don’t. Love Josie.
We meet Prince’s second wife. Wait, I didn’t know he was married twice. Missed that one. He definitely has a type as she looks like Mayte who looks like Apollonia who looks like Vanity… Mayte tells us about the baby she had with Prince who passed away after living for only a week. I remember that. So sad.
Nicole takes her mom to the Chaz Dean salon. Is this guy on every reality show? And does he creep anyone else out? Anyway, Nicole’s mom is hilarious, and upon hearing about the vaginal rejuvenation her daughter witnessed, she tells us that her “flower” is fine the way it is. It’s blooming. Awesome.
Sheree, Nicole & Jessica meet for drinks and discuss the idea of Jose moving in with Jessica. Nicole & Sheree tell her that it’s a monumentally bad idea. Sheree says that if it doesn’t work out, then her daughter will have to grieve the loss of her father for the second time. That’s a damn good point. Wow, a civil discussion about a personal matter with no one taking offense at honest advice. These may be my favorite new women.
Mayte’s matchmake is back for the house inspection. She wants to make sure, that when a date comes to pick Mayte up, her mother won’t be sitting there knitting. She talks about her like she’s an ugly vase that would be better off in a closet somewhere. How insulting. Mom is not pleased. She would also like her to put away her wedding china that shows the symbol that Prince used for a while there. OK, I give her that one, but she loses all credibility when she tells her to get different color soap because the purple is inappropriate because of the whole Purple Rain thing. OMG, it’s purple soap! That’s insane.
Uh, Jessica just told us about Jose’s shriveled up balls. Do I need to know about Jose’s balls? No. I don’t. Moving on…
Mayte comes over to Andrea’s for some wine and commiseration. She says that she has a hard time dating because the guys will Google & find out who their exes are. Wow, that is so crazy. Can you imagine? You just want to put it in your past and it’s never going to happen. Andrea says she was a phantom wife. Mayte says everyone tells her that her marriage was annulled. And they both have people calling them for concert tickets? Are people really that stupid? Don’t answer. But Andrea feels like Mayte can really understand how she feels and breaks down telling us that she wasn’t sure for a while that she’d make it to the other side. She feels like in LA, there are women who get her. Who can help her when her daughter sees a magazine with nasty things written about her father and asks, “Why don’t they like my daddy?” Aw, that’s heartbreaking. Totally never think about that part of the situation. And the shit they says R Kelly did is ugly. I never realized there were kids involved.
But that isn’t going to keep Andrea down and she throws a “Wig Out” party where everyone has to wear a wig and embrace the personality of the wig. Her character is Flodeene and she is fabulous. Lord, more vagina rejuvenation talk. Sheree would never do that and doesn’t get the point. That’s because she dates black men according to Jessica. Wait, what did she just say? She thinks that black men don’t go down on women so they don’t care what a woman’s vajayjay looks like? Uh… no. That’s not true of black men or any me. I think they actually just don’t care, period. Yeah, I think I don’t like Jessica. She’s all about negative attention.
And to seal that deal, Jessica agrees to let Jose move in. It’s a huge mistake. But it should make for some interesting scenarios.
OK, I’m in for the Ex Wives.
Bottom line: Jose Canseco is pathetic.