One Sentence Summary: No one can escape a dose of drama as the OC ladies close out another season.
Rachel: Well here we are. The last show of the season and it looks to be a loud one. I’ve started my lamaze breathing in anticipation of the insane screaming matches that we are about to witness tonight. Granted I’ve never had a child nor learned lamaze, but I’ve seen enough movies to know how it works. And if that doesn’t work, the Cardinal Zin should numb enough nerve endings that all of this will be but a fuzzy memory anyway. OK, I’m ready. Shall we return to The Bow Eating Incident of 2012? Yes, let’s.
And we’re back in the thick of Heather’s Naming Party – Not sure if that actually necessitates capitalization, but we’ll pretend it’s that important. Gretchen pulls her new BFF Tamra aside and gives her a present that represents their friendship. There are three lockets on it: One with a keyhole which is for the key
Tamra gave her, which is the key to her heart; one for their love of fashion; and one that says Unbreakable to remind her that she can get through anything. That’s actually a really sweet & thoughtful gift. An ugly one. But thoughtful nonetheless. And a lovely moment between two women that I literally thought were going to kill each other at the last reunion.
Sadly, not everyone is ready to skip off into the fabulous sunset singing Kumbayah. Sarah is still upset with Heather for being upset with her over a cake. Yeah, this girl is a big bag of trash. Honey, it’s not about the cake. It’s about your lack of class & respect for your hosts. So please stop talking. Now. Heather tells her that she has no interest in ruining her party by spending it in the kitchen arguing with her. She gets Gretchen, Alexis and Terry and tells them to get her out now. Good for you. I am actually shocked you let her hang out so long… And just out of curiosity, who’s the blonde with Sarah? She was tagged as “Sarah’s friend” which makes me think that, as an uninvited guest, she actually had the audacity to invite other uninvited people. Unreal.
Anyway, Alexis walks in and starts clapping her hands and screaming that she doesn’t understand why Sarah is being asked to leave. Of course you don’t sweetie. You don’t understand basic math problems, but just get your friend out of the house. Heather wants her out. It’s her house. That’s all you need to know. But she won’t let it go and now Slade is trying to explain what I just said to Alexis. But it seems Alexis is not a bodyguard so it’s not her responsibility to escort Sarah out. Uh, you brought her. She’s your problem, so I think it actually is your responsibility to escort her out, you vapid twit. Sorry, I have officially hit my Alexis threshold for the season… or life. I really don’t know what is going on with her right now, but I’d like to escort her out of the house along with Sarah. I give Heather a tip o’ the hat for handling it as calmly as she handled it. I wouldn’t have been so graceful.
Now that peace has returned to the party, let’s drink! OK, if you insist. Vicki pulls Ryan, Briana’s husband, aside to apologize… Well, apologize and get him to “soften Briana’s heart.” She says that she was wrong to bring him into their argument and he agrees. He said he didn’t like getting thrown under the bus. Oh, I like that he’s not scared to call it like he sees it with Vicki. Go on… Seems Vicki didn’t like Brooks getting thrown under the bus either, and since she’s the mother, she demands respect. OK, with you on the respect thing. See, because what will end up happening is that Ryan will end up taking her daughter away from her. Uh huh… Now, I’m lost. How’s that train of thought work? Well, it doesn’t matter because Ryan lets Vicki know that if she loses Briana, it’s on her, not him. Oh no, he did not just go there. Hold on, let me get prepared for what’s coming next. Wow, Vicki is remaining calm because she knows that, in this chess game, she’s sitting across from Bobby Fisher. He’s holding the key to her relationship with her daughter and she needs him to get back in her good graces. She as much says that but he’s not really interested in playing this game with her. He says that Briana has every right to interrogate Brooks. Vicki wonders how he’d like to be interrogated and he basically says bring it on. She has every right to interrogate him and he’s an open book. But he does say he will help her with Briana as much as he can. I like this kid. He’s a bit on the smug side, but I can let that slide. Tonight. Someone buy him a drink. He’s going to need it.
Just as we are hearing Alexis defending Jim’s decision to not show up at the party, he shows up at the party. He surprises Alexis and you’d think she hadn’t seen him in months from the way she’s squealing at glass-shattering levels. I have no idea what she’s saying, but there are suddenly dogs howling all over my neighborhood. Heather is less excited to see Jim being that she just restored peace in her home & Jim has a beef with her husband. As he approaches Terry, everyone wonders what’s going to happen next, but Jim is extremely cordial and gracious. Wow, didn’t see that one coming.
Meanwhile, Vicki catches Tamra & Gretchen kissing… Oh get your mind out of the gutter. They were just sharing lip gloss. Come on, isn’t that how all girlfriends share lip gloss? Needless to say, Vicki isn’t happy and she decides she’s going to let it be known that Tamra is a brown-noser. Aw why Vicki? Why? Can’t you put away the green-eyed monster for one night? She wants Tamra to close her eyes so she can give her something, but Tamra’s not falling for that trick again. Wait, what trick? I want to know! Was she really going to put something brown on her face? Grow up. Now that her evil plan was foiled, Vicki has to retreat to her corner and come up with Plan B. Well, after she hugs on Alexis so that Tamra knows that she also has a new friend. Seriously, Vicki has the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old Mean Girl sometimes.
It’s been way too quiet with the men apparently, so now it’s time for them to get into the mix. Terry asks Jim if they’re ok and Jim says they’ll talk next week. Alexis would rather they talk now. Jim asks her if she’s now wearing the pants in the family and fully humiliates his wife in front of her friends. But really it’s not Jim’s fault because everyone knows the Bible says that the man shall weareth the pants on all days except Sundays when he can weareth the shorts. Or something like that. Anyway, off the guys go to chat. Jim tells Terry that he heard that he called his wife “the phoniest person he ever met.” Terry doesn’t recall saying that, but he does think she is phony. Wow, so there’s some honesty. However, before Jim can respond, Heather walks up and says he didn’t say that she was the phoniest person he ever met. She says that she and Alexis had a talk in Costa Rica and she only deals with what she sees. She doesn’t deal with hearsay. But the talk ends there as Tamra decides to pull a chair up to the conversation & Jim bails. Now, why on earth, Tamra, do you think you have to have any part in what’s going on? She can’t understand why he would walk away when she came up. Um, perhaps because you actually do not like his wife and he’s not interested in talking to you about her, which under the circumstances, is totally fair. He’s also not interested in conversation by committee. I know that’s a foreign concept to the Housewives, but not everyone likes to have 17 people in their personal conversations. I’d have gotten up and walked too. And for the record, if you have me defending Jim Bellino, then you have to be about 50 shades of wrong. Of course, him walking out without his wife isn’t all that cool either and makes me feel better that I’m back to thinking he’s a douche. But Alexis does manage to chase him down the street and he’s kind enough to stop the car long enough for her to get in. Yep, douche.
Upon the departure of the Bellinos, the rest of the crew comes over to get the scoop on what just happened. Terry says that both Sarah & Alexis are Slade & Gretchen’s friends and wants to know what his… wait for it…. major malfunction is. Wow, did you really just go all 1980’s Full Metal Jacket on us? Slade jokingly says that they are very insecure people and need friends. While Gretchen says she likes her friends, Vicki is wide-eyed in feigned offense. She then toasts to Alexis which elicits an eye roll from Tamra. Well really, it was barely an eye roll. It was more like an eye arc. Regardless, Brooks doesn’t appreciate it and challenges Tamra. No really. He asks her if she “wants to go there” with him. Yeah, see I don’t know where you’re from Brooks, but if you haven’t noticed, in the OC, the women go there… Often. You have less than no chance of intimidating any one of them. Vicki wants to know what’s going on & Tamra tells her that her boyfriend challenged her for no reason. Brooks says she was giving “his woman” the eye & he didn’t like it. But Tamra won’t address it because Vicki should ask her, not Brooks. Say what? And even as I’m about to type this, I still don’t believe it but it’s Vicki that attempts to diffuse the situation by saying that she doesn’t want to fight & they’ll discuss it later. So close to it happening too until idiot Gretchen opens her pie hole and says that this has been brewing between them for a long time. Really Gretchen? What is wrong with you? But again, Vicki says that’s not true and that she & Tamra are best friends. Well, that’s not true either, but let’s just go with it. OK, crisis number two is averted until Brooks reignites crisis number one by repeatedly telling Vicki that Tamra was giving her the evil eye. What are you doing Brooks? Please stop. Its just going to get loud…
And now it’s loud. Tamra is off to the races and yelling at Brooks for repeatedly telling Vicki that she gave her the evil eye. Vicki asks Eddie to calm her down. Ha,
good luck. She tells Vicki that Eddie doesn’t have control of her and is now across the table in Brooks’s face. You know, to reinforce the fact that Eddie actually really doesn’t have any control over her. You leave your balls at home in a jar tonight, Eddie? Vicki wants to leave but Tamra keeps barking and Brooks keeps pushing. Then Tamra turns to Vicki and says she needs to stop letting her man tell her what to think. That’s it. Game over. Vicki loses it and screams back that he doesn’t do that. But before it can go Mach 5, Vicki leaves. Yeah, can’t say as I blame her. There’s no rationalizing with Tamra when she peels back the skin and goes full psycho bitch on a situation. That girl needs some serious anger management. But amazingly, that wasn’t as loud as I thought it was going to get.
Oh, never mind. It’s about to get loud. Starting lamaze breathing… Tamra follows Vicki into the house and wants to know why they’re leaving. She says that if Tamra wants to calm down and talk to her tomorrow, that’s fine. It’s disgusting the way she spoke to her in front of people. Tamra, who clearly can’t take a hint, keeps following Vicki through the house. And Vicki loses it. She tells, well screams at Tamra that she is supposed to be her friend and part of being her friend is not speaking to the man she loves like that. She would never speak to Eddie like that and Tamra needs to apology. Yeah, I’m all Team Vicki on this one. Tamra was way beyond out of line. Oh wait, she went running back outside and is now lying to Briana about what happened by saying she didn’t give Vicki the evil eye, didn’t yell at Vicki, but Vicki just yelled at her for no reason. OK, now she’s way beyond out of line. You don’t involve her daughter, you a-hole. Imagine the hysteria if someone did that to her with her kid. And I was just starting to like Tamra again. Oh and Tamra, this fight has nothing to do with whether or not Brooks has a job. You are mad at her for about a million other things and you’re taking it out on Brooks. Regardless of whether or not Brooks is a jackass, it has nothing to do with that right now. Sigh…
Now Heather is outside with Vicki and Brooks is telling her to back off. Dude, it’s her house. Let her at least speak. She tells Vicki that she would like her to come back in because she is about to give her toast and really would like her to be there. Vicki gets it, but Brooks isn’t about to put “his lady back in the line of fire.” Oh come on. It was a dirty look. Tamra didn’t pull a knife on her and threaten to cut a bitch. Though I’m getting damn close. Next out of the house, Briana. She wants to hear her mother’s side of the story. Well, she wants to hear it and then tell her mother she’s wrong. She defends Tamra and tells her mother that it’s Brooks that is the problem here along with some other choice words. Wow, I don’t care how old you are, there is a level of respect that you should have for your mother. Briana, your behavior is shameful. Really shameful. You don’t have to like your mom’s boyfriend, but you don’t get to speak to her like that. What a little bitch.
Once everyone, including Vicki & Brooks, is corralled back inside, Heather gives her speech and toast. It’s actually quite lovely. Everyone cheers and then Vicki makes a toast. She apologizes for leaving, but it’s what happens when she’s confronted. She wants people to know that she is happy and part of that happiness is Brooks. So you’re either in or out. Well, not sure this was the moment to be stealing Heather’s thunder, but that’s fair. Of course Tamra doesn’t see it that way. She thinks she should be able to just keep telling Vicki over and over that she hates her boyfriend until she breaks. Look, you said it. She heard you. She ain’t leaving him. Move on. Imagine how off the chains Tamra would go if someone started railing against Eddie incessantly?
Heather passes out the glasses with the diamonds in it… Oh yeah, I totally forgot. Remember, one of them is real. And I love that Heather’s teal-haired jeweler is on-hand to let them know which one it is. It’s gotta suck to be one of the ladies at the party that’s not a cast member because you know that means you ain’t getting the real diamond. Heather hopes it’s not Tamra since she just got a diamond in Bora Bora which means that, yep, Tamra got the real thing. And it’s a nice sized diamond too. Hard to tell on TV but it looked like a solid 2 carats. I could be wrong… Maybe Tamra will give it to Slade to give to Gretchen so he doesn’t have to give her a fake ring. You know, now that they’re all buddy buddy.
And it’s time for the “where are they now” sign off:
- Heather – She’s still planning on opening a restaurant & getting used to being called Mrs. Dubrow.
- Tamra – She’s finally happy & is planning a fall wedding. Vicki’s not currently on the guest list.
- Briana – She & Ryan exchanged vows in front of family & friends. She is 6 months pregnant.
- Gretchen – We unfortunately have to hear that Slade had his vasectomy reversed (gag) so he & Gretchen can have a baby. She wants the baby, but still doesn’t want the ring.
- Vicki – Brooks & Vicki broke up… then got back together. And he is still driving her car.
- Alexis – She is no longer with Fox 5 (shocker). She & Jim are opening a trampoline park. Yes, you read that right.
Woo, these bitches done wore me down. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the Reunion. So, I close out the season with only Heather left in my circle of friends. I’m ok with that though. I need a break from the rest of the bananas. A long quiet break….