One Sentence Summary: Emily and her men travel to Prague and walk around the city over and over.
Rachel: So, I read a Tweet today from one of the producers of the Bachelorette that tonight’s dates are some of the “most romantic dates ever.” Beyond the fact that I’m doubtful about that statement, I’m starting to think that if you work for any of the Bachelor franchises that you are contractually obligated to use the phrase “most ____ ever” at some point during the season. Now, the rose ceremony last week was indeed one of the “most shocking ever” as I didn’t see that coming – Granted, I was on enough cold medicine that I wouldn’t have seen an elephant coming at me, but that’s neither here nor there – but again, I’m loathe to believe that Emily is going to take us on any fantastically romantic adventures. I mean every single date has been her & a bachelor walking around town, seeing the sites and stopping in front of one carefully chosen monument for a “spontaneous moment”. Other than her scaling the wall with Chris, it’s been a snooze-athon. She has to be the “most unadventurous bachelorette ever.” My guess is that they blew so much of the budget on paying her to be the “most well-paid bachelorette ever” and giving her the “most expensive wardrobe ever” that they can’t afford to pay for tickets to the zipline. But anyway, most romantic is the word on the streets. Not my streets but some streets somewhere where wandering around aimlessly is romantic. Shall we see what Emily & Prague bring to the table?
Oh, and FYI, I’m at it alone tonight as my partner, Melissa, has decided to go Honky Tonk in Nashville this week. Yeah, she takes vacations for both of us. It’s the deal we made. I think I got screwed. Maybe I shouldn’t make deals after a bottle of tequila. Dammit.
More Baggage Metaphors
Rachel: Emily is in Prague and is having to wheel her own luggage? What the hell? Is holding on to the suitcase a metaphor for holding on to Ricki – aka baggage – or did they really just slash the budgets this year? Anyway, she feels transported to a whole new world and is so lucky to be there with the best group of guys. She’s more nervous now than she has been because next week is hometowns and that’s a lot of pressure. Blah blah blah… We get it.
The guys show up in the requisite hoodies and jeans to meet Chris. Sadly, Travis left and didn’t take the terrible jeans with him since they’re back on Sean’s body. Yes, I realize they could probably be two different pairs but I have a hard time reconciling that more than one of them exists in the world. I just don’t get the bleached out rectangle patterns on the legs. Is that flattering? Is it sexy? No, it is neither, so can we just leave them for The Situation please? But we’re not here to talk about jeans, though don’t think they won’t come up again. We’re here to talk about the guys being one rose away from hometown dates. We also find out that there are 4 dates this week. Three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones, but there is a rose on the group date. Hey, new information from Chris Harrison! Good job! Way to earn that paycheck!
Dirty Little Secret
Off the mens go to their hotel to find the first date card. Arie is the first winner of a one-on-one date. Hello Mr. Kotter! Chris is especially bummed because he is feeling like he needs time with her. I’m assuming we’ll be hearing a lot from Chris tonight since we all know he has a teary breakdown in the middle of the rose ceremony. So, we’ll need to build up his anxiety throughout the night with irritated sound bites and angry gestures. But first, Arie…
Emily shows up with her Prague travel guide so she can enlighten us yet again about the wonders of this foreign city. Gee, I wonder what’s coming next. But first can we discuss that it’s about 40 degrees outside and she’s walking around in sequined shorts (which, for the record, I like, but are a bad call with those boots…)? Um, ok. Practical. Anyway, big surprise for us, they’re going to walk around Prague and see the sites the way a married couple would. This is the most romantic date ever! Oh wait, no it’s not. As we stroll along with the two of them there are lots of wows and kisses and oh look at thats. Emily tells us she likes kissing Arie, a lot, but she knows something about him that he’s not telling her. Oh yay! We’re going to get right into it. They rub a dog on a statue that is for loyalty, which is ironic to her, because she knows his secret. And since she’s not going to come out and tell us, Chris tells us that Arie had a brief relationship with one of the producers on the show. Emily wonders, if he’s hiding this from her, what else is he hiding from her. Yeah, I’m a bit confused how he thought she wouldn’t find out about it, though there is that whole “You can’t get into a fight like you would in real life because you have to be perfect to get a rose” thing going on. I’m convinced this is part of why these relationships don’t work out in the long run. I mean other than the fact that they’re manufactured by a reality TV show. In real life, you argue and fight and you don’t have 5 other guys waiting at home to kiss your ass and tell you you’re right. In real life, you fight it out and move forward. So, he’s not going to tell her and risk getting sent home even if it meant nothing, which also makes him a liar. Oh the conundrums of life…
Anywho, Chris is magically transported back to LA & takes us aside for a little inside scoop. You know, Chris is concerned about us and wants us to feel like we’re truly part of the journey with Emily. He tells us that a few years ago, Arie had a brief relationship with producer Cassie Lambert. Emily had no idea when filming began, but Cassie “took it upon herself” to tell Emily when it became apparent that she was developing strong feelings for Arie. In the spirit of full disclosure, they want us to know that they taped an interview with Emily & Cassie that they’d like to share with us now. Oh, how very dramatic of a set-up. Let’s do this thing…
Emily says that she wants to know what else Arie’s hiding if he’s been hiding that he knows Cassie from her. He’s a good actor. Yes, I especially liked him in Two Of A Kind. Cassie doesn’t think he’s hiding it because it didn’t mean anything. They’ve been nothing more than cordial and it’s been so long that it doesn’t matter – apparently they’ve seen each other twice in ten years. OK, that’s hardly something to be worrying about. Cassie says she didn’t tell Emily from the very beginning because she thought she’d like Arie and she wanted to let her get to know him. Emily agrees that it would have made a difference in how she saw him. She also says that he had plenty of chances to say something when her name was brought up. Cassie just keeps trying to tell Emily that it would have been weird if he had told her. Emily isn’t having it. She feels dumb because she is the only one that doesn’t know and it really wouldn’t have bothered her if she had told her upfront. She would have thought it was someone setting her up and isn’t that cool. OK, I get that, but I wonder if that is really how it would have gone down. It’s always nice to talk about how rational and open you’d have been in hindsight. Yeah, the problem is none of us really ever are. Cassie says no one in production knows. It’s just her. Not sure Emily’s buying it, but we’ll have to get back to the date to find out.
At lunch, Emily asks Arie if he thinks he’s been open with her. Tread carefully, Arie. You’re about to walk into a giant trap. He says he feels like he can tell her anything. He thinks he’s been a good reflection of who he is back home and you just have to trust someone until they give you a reason not to. Oh boy, he couldn’t be setting himself up any worse. He goes on to say he’s a very trustworthy person and that’s the most important thing in a relationship. It’s better to be upfront and too honest even if it’s hard to hear. Please stop talking, Arie. Please. I’m actually cringing over here. Then he asks what else is important for her. She says being totally open & not having any secrets. He asks if she wants him to be totally honest with her and she, of course, says yes. She’s ready to finally hear about Cassie when Bonehead tells her that he once had a tattoo of a girl’s name on him that he had covered up. Wrong answer. Try again. But he’s too busy basking in the glow of his honesty to realize that the woman across from him is about run a stake through his heart.
And we’re back in Los Angeles with Chris… Are we not smart enough to work through this on our own? He tells us yet again what happened and then tells us that the three of them – Arie, Emily & Cassie – had a very honest conversation about the issue. Great, can you just show us? Unfortunately, that conversation did not happen on-camera. Oh, whoops. Sorry Chris. Do go on. My snark got ahead of me. But how on earth did they manage to miss taping this conversation? Slackers. We find out that Arie told Emily that he felt that the relationship was so brief and so long ago that it didn’t really matter. Emily agreed and realized her feelings for Arie weren’t affected. That’s it? Well, that was anticlimactic.
At dinner, Arie says he knows that there are a lot of things on her mind and it’s his fault he didn’t say anything to her, but he didn’t even think about it. She says it was just a misunderstanding and she’s sorry. She should have given him the benefit of the doubt. But it’s all good now so let’s kiss on it. And while I realize I’m about to put way too much rational thought into this silliness, I think it’s good that they had a tiff and worked it out. That’s real life. That’s not fake walk-through-Prague fantasy life. They face and issue and worked through it together… with about 100 other people on hand. OK, no more cold medicine for me. I’m starting to actually get invested in their relationship. I must be stopped before I have feelings too.
Emily says that she hopes she gets to meet Arie’s family. Uh, that would be up to you, dear. Remember that little thing called the rose ceremony. And she’s nervous they won’t like her if she does. The false modesty’s back! Sorry, I just don’t buy that a girl who would go on a show like this, demands more than any other Bachelor or Bachelorette & looks like she looks would be that insecure. Maybe I’m wrong, but I doubt it. He says they will love her because he loves her. Is this the first official “I love you” of the season? I think it just might be! And we aren’t even in the Fantasy Suite. Damn. He says that he realized in Croatia that he really loves her. That makes her really happy. So happy that fireworks shoot out of the water in a display of love. And we’re back to fantasy land.
John Boy Gets A Date
Back in the house, Chris is starting to come out of his skin about spending time with Emily. John says he’s pretty sure if he doesn’t get a one-on-one date, he’s not making it through this week. And with that, the knock. On the other side of the door, the date card. And it’s for John. He’s thrilled. Chris is livid. And so the countdown begins to the explosion in Chris’s head. Tick tock tick tock….
John & Emily set off for their date and just when you think they’re going to walk around town, those crazy producers change it up on us. They go for a boat ride around town instead! I would never have seen this coming. John tells Emily that he is hoping she sees the more sensitive side of him today and that he knows he has a hard shell around him. Ooh, like an m&m… Sorry, I’m having a major sugar craving right now and there’s a bag of m&ms in the other room calling my name. I’m just going to pretend that I don’t know they’re there… Right there. In all their chocolatey goodness. Clearly, it’s not working.
But let’s look at the John Lennon wall our duo has wandered upon now that they have abandoned ship & are strolling through town. Tour Guide Emily tells us that during Communism, music was censored and this is the Czech people’s tribute to music. They felt that John Lennon & the Beatles represented what they were missing out on. OK, you know I had to look this up, and as usual, she’s close but no banana… It’s more that John Lennon was known for his ideas about freedom & peace, and because of those views, he became a hero to the Czech pacifist youth movement of the 80’s. They painted his portrait here as a symbol, but it has since been covered up with the graffiti that started as a way to protest the government. While it was once a wall dedicated to anti-communism, it is now a monument to love & peace. And this is why you shouldn’t take history lessons from the Bachelorette. So, John & Emily decide to contribute to such an important piece of political history by painting a boat on the wall symbolizing their date. Somewhere the ghost of John Lennon is weeping.
Next up, we happen upon an iron fence where people bring locks on which they write love notes and then lock them onto the fence in a symbol of undying love. Too bad their lock won’t lock. Emily sees it as a metaphor for their relationship since they haven’t been able to connect. Oooh, deep. And also not a good omen for John.
For dinner, Emily & John are eating (or not eating) in a dungeon. She is hoping this dinner will help her get to know him a little better & find that romantic connection. They talk about the girls he dates. He says he used to date girls he thought he had to fix. He finally dated a girl that he didn’t have to fix & she cheated on him a week after their one year anniversary. She disappeared for 3 days and he heard from her sister that she was shacking up with some doctor. Yipes. That’s harsh. He says it made him take things a little slower in other relationships, but he knows what he wants. Emily understands why he’s moved so slowly now and it’s made her see him in a new light. He wants her to meet his family and he thinks that she’d learn so much more about him through them. And in he goes for the kiss. I don’t think he brought enough game to the date tonight, but maybe he’s got some magic in those lips.
Doug, take a note. You’re the only one left that hasn’t made a play. It’s now or never boy. And I’m saying you might want to lean toward now.
Back at the house, the time bomb that is Chris is at his breaking point. He’s tired of talking about everything and he’s tired of the whole process. He just wants to spend time with Emily and he’s bothered that he can’t. So, it’s time to drink!
It’s also time for another date card. It’s the group date: Sean, Doug & Chris get the group date. Really? I can’t believe she isn’t give Doug the last one-on-one. That’s not a good sign.
John comes home from his date and is on Cloud 9. This does not help Chris’s downward spiral. But it’s Sean who feels the need to spring into action upon hearing about John’s date. He must see Emily immediately! He runs into the street on a mission to find her. His plan, just run around screaming her name until she shows up. Really? I’m sure the residents of the neighborhood just love being woken up by an American screaming a woman’s name. Makes that whole “Ugly American” label a little more understandable. But scream on he shall. I find this bizarre. Truly bizarre.
As if by sheer coincidence, he finds her wandering down a street alone in her black cloak. Did I accidentally switch over to a spy movie? What is going on here? And as if she just walks back to her hotel alone at night in a strange city with no one from production with her. Uh, no. But thanks for pretending we wouldn’t pick up on that. He desperately screams Emily, takes her in his arms and says he had to see her. Now I’m watching a Lifetime movie. She says it’s an awesome surprise. He says he got the group date card and knew he had to get one-on-one time with her now. OK, I’m sure there are some of you ladies out there thinking that this is such a romantic moment, but I gotta tell you, this is just Velveeta cheese to me. That and he’s got stalker written all over him in my book. I just get the creepiest vibe from him. I do. But she keeps saying she’s so happy to see him and smiling like a lovestruck teenager. She says she would keep him all to herself all the time if she could. Really? I just don’t get the appeal. At all. But he does manage to get himself an unauthorized one-on-one date so I guess the joke’s on poor John who just got his thunder stolen. She didn’t even get a chance to feel the warm & fuzzies before Sean came along & outshined him. Well, that forehead of his could outshine just about anything when you think about it. And now we get to watch them make-out for 5 minutes. Ick. You’re killing me here, ABC.
Day Late, Dollar Short
Group date time, and Chris & Doug are oblivious to the fact that the date started without them about 8 hours ago. They are greeted by Emily who magically conjures up a horse & carriage, which will whisk them off to their adventure… or lack thereof. Chris is still not happy about the situation and I’m still waiting on a romantic date. The group visits a castle where they get to explore the whole thing. How thrilling.
After some perfunctory pointing and feigned interest in their surroundings, Emily takes some time alone with Doug so she can see if there’s any romantic connection with him. Dude, if you don’t kiss her, I’m going to kick your ass. He tells her that he loves spending time with her, but he is an old fashioned kind of guy. He accidentally touches her and jumps away like he touched a hot stove. She says it’s ok and that it actually felt good. He completely misses the blatant hint and backs off even more. DUDE! You are killing me. You’re so about to get cut. Stop trying to be Dudley Do Right and man up! But he doesn’t and she tells him that she’s been waiting on him to show her something. He tells us that he has been waiting for her to give her the “kiss me” eyes. Uh, she has given you the “kiss me” everything, genius.
As she’s telling him that she’s not feeling like he is fighting for her the way she has been fighting for him, he plants one on her. I’m thinking it should have been a little more passionate than that and about 15 minutes earlier. Too little too late. She says he’s been a gentleman to a fault and she doesn’t feel confident enough in their relationship to involve his son, so it’s probably best that she walks him out & sends him back home. Yeah, saw that one coming.
Oh Doug, you big dummy. You really were the best guy there. He says he was a day late and a dollar short on the kiss. Yep. You finally got something right, poor guy. He says he feels badly every day for not being able to give Austin a family. OMG, he’s breaking my hear right now. Oh sweet Doug, why don’t you come on down to Florida and let Rachel give you a big hug. Then you can see some serious “kiss me” eyes. No need to thank me. I’m just selfless that way.
Now that Emily has sent Doug home, she finds herself on another awkward two-on-one date. She tells them that there are two keys on the table and one of them unlocks the door to the first one-on-one chat. Wow, that’s so lame. Sean gets the winning key, but that doesn’t intimidate Chris at all. Yeah, I’m thinking you might want to be intimidated. Sean tells her that family is very important to him and that his will love her. Not much else of any consequence happens since they basically already had their date. Oh they bore me to tears.
Now it’s Chris’s turn to get some time alone and try not to vomit his crazy all over her. He is interested to know what kind of connection she is having with Sean because he doesn’t want to feel like he’s in an uphill battle. He wants to know he’s on top of the hill. Well, that’s not going to happen friend so put on your hiking shoes and get ready for a battle.
He starts the conversation by telling her that he’s upset with her for not giving him a one-on-one date. He’s had to wait since Charlotte and it’s driving him crazy. She says she’s sorry but she wanted to give him back the confidence after last week’s group date. And a two-on-one is the second best thing to a one-on-one. Ha, nice try, girl. She tells him that he always tries to make the best of everything which is one of the things she likes best about him. That worked better. And then they kiss.
I’m assuming they edited a ton of their conversations out for time tonight because they were both so lame and I’m still waiting on some romance here. How do you give someone the rose after that? She says that this is the most important rose so far and it is a symbol of the person whose family she is ready to meet. She gives it to Sean. The only one surprised by that choice is Chris. She tells him not to take it personally – as if there is any other way to take it. He says he doesn’t, but I’m pretty sure if you listen closely you can actually hear his blood boiling. Yep, he’s pissed and insulted. He says if he doesn’t get a group date, he’ll be scared for anyone around him. After watching your performance in the Highland Games, I’m thinking no one is really that worried. But nice attitude as Emily gives her toast. That’s not at all childish or bratty. You do know there are 3 other roses, right?
Pull My String
I gotta tell you that I so badly want to fast forward through Jef’s date and just watch Chris implode. But I shant as it is my duty to watch every last painful minute of this show. Well, that and the fact that we have added a new rule to the drinking game whereby we all must take a sip (provided we aren’t driving!) every time Jef says “like”. This is when the game gets kicked into high gear, kiddies. Ready?
Jef says she doesn’t have the slightest clue what they’re doing today. I do. You’re hanging out and strolling the city. Yep, called it. I’m a mastermind. They stop in a marionette store. What a thrill. And to think I thought about fast forwarding through this excitement. They buy marionettes and Jef realizes he didn’t buy one for Ricki so he runs back in the store to get hers. This makes a huge impression on Emily and I have to say “Well played, sir.” OK, he actually seems like a cool dude. I will give him that.
They end up in a beautiful old library acting out their relationship with their marionettes. Are you kidding me right now? Am I really watching this? And why is it today that he decides to stop saying “like”? Apparently, the puppets give him courage so I guess he’s not tripping all over his words. He tells her… Wait, I’m sorry, the puppet tells her that he loves her and wants to get a dog with her. Two “I love yous” in one episode. That’s not bad, even if one came from a puppet.
They finally leave Mr. Rogers’ Land of Make Believe and start talking to each other as humans. He says his parents won’t be on their date because they are “committed to some things for a few years”. Um, ok. Dying to know what that’s about. But she’ll meet his siblings except for the one living in China. He doesn’t bring many girls home because his family is very private. Yeah, I’m gathering that. I wonder if they’re spies. He says that he wants a family that’s super tight with parents that are crazy in love because that’s what he grew up with. He wants to show her that. She asks if his family has ever not liked someone he dated. He says yes and he broke up with her because of that, which Emily does not like hearing. He tries to reassure her that it won’t happen with her, but it makes her nervous. Yeah, I don’t doubt that, but I think I’d be more concerned about parents that are tied up for a few years. Seriously, can we get back to that?
Jef asks if she’d want to live together before marriage and they both think that it’s best to wait until you’re married. They also both agree that they want to have kids yesterday. He can’t wait to be the fun dad. I’m confused. Are they actually having a real conversation of substance that isn’t manipulative or manufactured? This doesn’t compute in my head and I’m feeling a bit dizzy. Can we bring back the talking puppets please because this is feeling too real for me? Seriously though, I give her credit for keeping him around because I probably would have axed him before the first rose ceremony for the Rick Astley hair. A tip o’ the hat, Emily.
BTW, I counted 18 likes. Cheers.
The Rose Ceremony
Back at the hotel, Chris says he hopes that Emily doesn’t think he’s selfish because he didn’t handle the situation well. John says he’s feeling like his chances are pretty good. Mmm… One of you is going home. I’m pretty sure of that. John feeling super confident makes me think he’s probably going home. Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t gotten it right yet. But Chris is terrified and knows he handled it pretty badly. He knows he needs to talk to her tonight at the cocktail party and straighten that out. Of course, it would be helpful if Emily wanted to have a cocktail party… which she does not. Whoops, time for a Plan B, Chris. Upon hearing the news, he feels like he just lost his chance and apparently so does John who says the deal is sealed and he’s guaranteed a rose. Poor guy has no idea that all his mojo was killed by Sean. Oh there’s a train wreck about to happen one way or the other. I can barely watch.
Emily comes in and says that she usually has a cocktail party to answer any lingering questions for her. But she’s happy to say that this week, all her questions were answered during the dates and she feels confident in her choices. She feels real love and that makes every second she’s away from Ricki Bobby worth it.
She gives Jef & Arie roses while Chris shakes like it’s minus 10 degrees in the room. Someone needs to bring him a shot of bourbon stat before he drops over from a coronary. Yes, everyone knows that bourbon is a great natural preventative to heart attacks. At least that’s what I tell myself. It’s a good story and I’m sticking to it. As Emily picks up the last rose and does the perfunctory pause for dramatic effect, Chris can no longer keep it together and tells her that he needs to talk to her. Now. Emily obliges and poor John is left hanging two ceremonies in a row.
Chris tells Emily that he acted like a boy on their date and he should have been more respectful about not getting the rose. He apologizes for that. He took this week for granted and he shouldn’t have. He’s ready to be the man she deserves and Ricki deserves. He has unbelievable feelings for her and if he wasn’t able to say that, then he’d regret it. She is grateful to him for putting himself out there. He believes in them and he’s not ready for it to end. That is all we get to hear and they come back in the room.
And the final rose goes to……. Chris. Ack. Bad call.
Staying: Sean, Jef, Arie, Chris
Going: Doug, John
While Emily walks John out, Chris tells us that he’s so happy. Yeah? Well, I really want to punch your no-lip having face in. He’s so full of himself it makes me ill. Meanwhile, Emily says that she just didn’t feel that her relationship with John moved fast enough for her to feel like it was time to meet his family. He says he can’t force her to feel something she doesn’t, but he’s hurt & shocked. She thanks him for opening up to her and sends him back to ‘Merica.
Rachel: I’m Team Jef and Team Arie all the way now. I can’t stand Chris. I don’t think he’s a good person. And Sean freaks me out for no actual real reason. He just does. There’s something about him that rubs me the wrong way. So yeah, Jef & Arie are my picks for final two. And I’d like my money back because there was no part of this show that featured anything remotely close to the “most romantic dates ever.”