One Sentence Summary: Cracks in the new RHONY foundation are already starting to form.
Rachel: OK, now that I’ve established that Aviva is the drama queen/pot stirrer, at least in my own mind, I’m not sure I like her anymore. Actually, I know I don’t like her anymore, which means, dear readers, she’s going to be on my nerves every time she opens her mouth. Is that fair? No. It’s not. But it’s how I roll. The funny thing is that I thought she was going to be one of my favorites this season after the first episode, but last week forced me to reconsider. Yes, I know it’s only Week 3 and it’s awfully early to enter a verdict, but she’s already making my eye twitch. And being that I’m still laid up with this stupid cold, I’m not sensing any reprieve any time soon. So, this week, I’m a Whiny Bitch. It happens.
Melissa: My bad on the skip out last week, but I’m back… Like I’d stay away from an episode called “Boozy Brunch”. That’s just drunken Housewives merriment (read: ridiculous argument) waiting to happen if you ask me!!
Rachel’s What Happened: Now, Carole, I love. Not as much as Aviva does though. I swear she’s like one stiletto shoe away from Single White Female-dom. Carole says that after lunch, they’re going to go to a rooftop bar that her friend owns. Aviva is deathly afraid of heights, but if her husband shows up, she’ll feel much better. Wait, your husband’s presence makes your being on a giant rooftop, with what I’m going to guess are pretty secure railings, less dangerous? This confuses me and I’m disliking you more and more, Aviva. Sonja comes Downtown, which is amazing since we know she rarely like to leave her cozy Upper East Side. Both ladies were late because they wouldn’t take the Subway. Aviva says she’s scared of subways. Really, subways too? Maybe Manhattan isn’t the best place for you. And it’s time for the leg story again. Thankfully, Heather shows up before we have to hear anymore. Meanwhile, Sonja won’t be eating at brunch because she ate before she came. Seems she doesn’t like to eat in public because apparently living in Italy with a Count has made her eat like a slob. Were you living with the Count from Sesame Street? I don’t understand. The women discuss their living situations. Some like it on the single side and then there’s Aviva who wouldn’t be able to breathe without her mate. She’d seriously be “gasping for air.” She’s really pushing all my buttons. All of them.
Melissa: OK, I want leather shorts! Not that I’d ever wear them, but I would love to have a pair in the closet to pretend like I’m that awesomely cool. Oh Carole, why would you invite the ladies to lunch? You should know better at this point. I’m glad Aviva has phobias… She’s my new favorite Housewife! Makes me feel sane. And I wonder if they’re going to bring up Aviva’s ex sleeping around every week. Well, a toast to Aviva’s ex for not being able to keep it in his pants when it comes to the ladies. Poor woman, that’s not a fun place to be (been there, very awkward).
A Very Special RHONY
Rachel’s What Happened: LuAnn, who Ramona accuses of never being with her children, didn’t make it to brunch because she’s at home with her children. She joins Victoria on the couch for some mother-daughter time. LuAnn wants to have a serious talk with her daughter and let her know that she & Jacques are seriously considering having a baby. Ummm… Uhhhh… Oh, thank you Victoria for saying what every single person watching this show is thinking – You may be over the part of having children. I mean I appreciate that she is talking to her daughter. That part is very nice. However, it’s also bizarre. You’re 47. I’m thinking a visit to the doctor first might be appropriate. Wait, LuAnn says in the interview she thinks “Fertile Myrtle” has taken a wander into the pasture. Ya think? So, what are you telling your daughter for in the first place? At least her daughter is smart enough to not give this much of a thought. Besides, it will just be material for her to use in her art.
Melissa: Oh a tender “Mommy Moment” with Victoria. Anyone else think she’s overcompensating in light of Ramona’s accusations? Oh, that went pear shaped awful fast with the intro of a new baby. LuAnn aren’t you a little… Um, progressed in age to be thinking about the pitter patter of little ones? I give Victoria points for being accepting of her mother’s crazy ideas.
Rachel’s What Happened: Off we go to the rooftop bar, and along the way we hear about Aviva’s stockpile of gas masks, Cipro and body gear. At least she admits she’s neurotic & phobic. When you look those words up in the dictionary, there’s a picture of her. When you look the word “banana” up in the dictionary, there is also a picture of her. But they make it up to the rooftop bar which is ENCLOSED IN GLASS. It’s not even outside! But her husband shows up to make sure some cyclonic wind doesn’t come and suck her through one of the panes of glass. Meanwhile, Heather notices that Reid doesn’t wear a wedding band and you’ll never guess why… Oh yeah, it’s an Aviva thing – Men are more attractive to single women when they have a ring on their finger. Sonja thinks marriage is a commitment and he should wear a ring. Heather says that if she had met Reid and saw a ring on his finger, she would have totally moved on. She pauses and then agrees with Heather. So, I assume Reid will be getting a ring by the end of the day. They decide to go outside, which is doable for Aviva because her husband is with her.
Melissa: Wait, Aviva has a Doomsday Prepper kit?? OK, that’s beyond my crazy. I’m now leery of her. Anyone else scratching their head as to why Reid shows up for drinks? Why would you even want to walk into that group? I give him credit, but then again he’s still new. He doesn’t fully understand the crazy yet.
I Think I’ll Call You Frank… No Bob… No John…
Rache’s What Happened: More Aviva… Really? She tells us she she has a master’s degree and a law degree, neither of which she uses because she’s a stay-at-home mom. Maybe get a psych degree next & work on some of those phobias. That’s my plan. Then I can self-diagnose and give all my friends fabulous advice. Then we learn that her son Hudson’s original name was Brandon, but her husband didn’t like it. So, at 4 months old they changed his name to Hudson. Thankfully, they were smart enough to consult a shrink to make sure he wouldn’t be traumatized for the rest of his life. He was 4 months not 4 years. And I don’t think that’s the part of your parenting that’s going to traumatize him. Then she thought about changing her daughter’s name at a year. Lunatic. Her husband is the most patient person ever.
Melissa: OK, I get family time, but changing your child’s name at 4 months old? That makes no sense to me. Granted, I didn’t name my child until he was 4 days old, but at least I knew I was settled on a name. That being said, those kids are cute.
World Domination Via Toaster Oven
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona is busy at work when Sonja comes to visit. Sonja can’t imagine working as much as Ramona does. That might be why you’re in bankruptcy. Sonja wants to start an event planning company called Sonja In The City. Ramona explains that she probably needs to register her business and open a business banking account. Yes, that would be a good start. Ramona thinks she should stick to the catering part of the event planning and not include the entertainment aspect. Why? It’s not like she’s doing the cooking. Please tell me she’s not doing the cooking. Ramona also tells her that she has to work every day. More practical advice. And she doesn’t want her to do two businesses at the same time either. That’s a giant vote of confidence for your friend… Although I think it’s just a veiled way of telling her to drop the toaster oven idea. And I can’t really argue with that. Sonja, on the other hand, doesn’t believe you can compartmentalize the Sonja brand. Heaven forbid. So, the toaster oven lives on.
Melissa: Did Ramona just say she was jet-lagged from flying to Tampa? Unless there’s a Tampa in China I don’t know about, how the hell is she jet-lagged? Sonja wants to start up her own business combining party planning and toaster ovens? Uh, ok.
Logos & London
Rachel’s What Happened: Sonja isn’t convinced that Ramona’s advice is enough for her to go on, so she goes to see Heather for another opinion. Oh, Ramona is going to love that. She shows Heather her logo and she’s a bit confused about what direction to go. Heather gives her some pretty solid branding advice. This girl is smart. And I give Sonja credit for asking for advice instead of just pretending she knows everything. Heather then invites Sonja to join her in London for a few days for a girls’ getaway. She’s also inviting Carole and Aviva. Note that there is no mention of LuAnn or Ramona. Carole’s in and it’s a party… I just wish Heather would stop with the Holla!
Melissa: Oh Sonja is really making the rounds to the business ladies in her circle. OK, I like Heather a bit more this week. She seems smart (Obviously, considering the business she’s built) and is willing to take time for people. Then again, inviting the ladies to London isn’t necessarily the smartest move. Clearly, she hasn’t seen any previous episodes. You’d think she would have seen at least some of the Morocco fiasco. WTF is up with the Holla? She was gaining points until she threw that in and she’s back where she started in my book.
Rachel’s What Happend: Ramona & Mario meet Carole for lunch. Ramona says she likes when her girlfriends get to know her husband. They play the get to know you game and Carole is floored to hear that they still enjoy each other’s company after 20 years. Yes, it’s possible for two people to actually like each other for more than 5 minutes… though they’re rarely Housewives. Carole does a little flirting with Mario, which she only does when the man’s wife is there. Well, that’s nice of you. And contrary to the previews, Ramona doesn’t get twitchy at all. Carole actually enjoys her lunch with the two and says she thinks Ramona is just misunderstood. Famous last words.
Melissa: Poor Carole, stuck in a crazy-town Singer ménage. I’m waiting for Ramona to go all crazy eyes on her. Oh, the crazy eyes are going to be all for Mario for flirting with Carole. Be careful sweetie, I think they are closet swingers, or Mario would like to be. He just needs to convince Ramona without getting his head bitten off.
If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It
Rachel’s What Happened: Just as we suspected, Aviva goes shopping for a wedding band for her husband. Ramona goes with her and flinches when she hears that Aviva’s husband doesn’t wear one. While discussing what kind of ring to get her husband, Heather calls and invites Aviva to go to London… on speakerphone… in front of Ramona… whose not invited. Aviva says she has to discuss it with Reid and think about it. Ramona can’t understand a woman that can’t be without her husband and then compares her to Alex & Simon. Yeow. Now, there’s an insult. Of course, Aviva asks Ramona if she’s been invited, which clearly she wasn’t if you were listening to Heather at all. She tells Ramona that of course she will be, but I think Ramona is smarter than that. Ramona thinks Heather’s issue with her is that she’s a secure woman and Heather is not. Yeah, I don’t think that’s the issue. Besides Ramona, you don’t like Heather so why would you want to go in the first place? And what is it with women that feel like they have to be invited to every event? I will never understand that.
Melissa: I can’t believe Aviva bought in to all of Sonja’s comments about her husband’s wedding band. Also, I really can’t stand when they all talk on speaker phone. Then again, how would they get caught talking about someone, or in this case, not talking about them. I can’t believe this is happening, but I actually agree with Ramona that Aviva’s obsession with her husband is a little McCord / Van Kempen-esque. WOW, and like that Ramona is done with Heather. See if she’ll ever forgive not being invited to London.
Downward Dog For Your Face
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole attends a launch party for her friend’s new jewelry line. Aviva shows up and is blown away by meeting Karen Duffy and bows to her. Yeah, it’s Karen Duffy, not Donna Karan. Then she meets the jewelry designer, Ranjana Khan, and bows to her as well when she hears she was a model in the early 70’s. God she’s so fake. Hold the phone… This woman does face yoga? She says it’s what keeps her looking so young. No plastic surgery, just face yoga. Uh, note to self, look up face yoga first thing in the morning. You laugh now… Just wait.
Ramona is next at the party with LuAnn close behind. Is the peace going to last? I guess so since Ramona just called her “sweetness”. Sonja shows up with her “intern” Justin who skinned a teddy bear and wore it to the party. Ramona is giving Sonja another lesson about business when Heather comes barreling in with kisses. Sonja says they are her two perfect friends… just add more fuel to the fire, Sonja. Ramona is still upset about London, and in case that wasn’t enough, Aviva tells her that Heather is still mad about the “talking too much” comment which just adds one more log to the fire… which is always scary. Aviva says that Heather doesn’t give her a chance to speak either but she’s too scared to say anything. Pot stirrer!
Meanwhile, LuAnn is discussing her dalliance with Aviva’s ex and saying she had no idea that he had been married to Aviva when she met him. It’s such a small town and everyone knows Harry’s been around the block. Sonja says thank God because he lights up the world. LuAnn agrees and says that he’s such a charmer. In fact, he charmed her right out of her socks. Socks… Pants. Same thing. Then Sonja tells us that she’s never had a bubble bath like that in her life. This guy must be hung like Secretariat with the moves of Casanova.
Ramona crashes the party before we can get any more details about this Harry Dubin’s prowess and I’ve never been happier to see Ramona in my life. LuAnn less so as she takes off like a bat out of hell, because apparently Ramona is jealous of her relationship with Sonja and interrupts on purpose. Then the subject turns to Heather, again. Sonja is trying to make some peace between them and says that Heather does listen and asks questions. Mario tries to interject something and Ramona keeps interrupting him. Genius… especially because his point was that when she talks business no one can get a word in edgewise. Ha. Couldn’t have scripted that better.
Ramona decides then that she’s going to go over to Heather and see if she’s ok after her father’s passing. You know because she’s a caring person. No, because you want to wrangle yourself an invite to London. Honey, you gotta be a little less transparent than that. Ramona apologizes for not responding appropriately to her news and Heather is touched by the gesture. Touched but not moved to invite her to London. Nice try.
Melissa: So Karen Duffy is hanging out with Housewives?? I wonder what she’s been up to lately. HA, Ramona didn’t you just say you let things go? Did you even take a breath before saying LuAnn spreads rumors about you? I guess it’s like letting honey go… easier said than done. Wait Ramona, you’re going to bring up Heather’s father passing again? At a party? Oh, are you hoping this gets you an invite to London? That’s it isn’t it? HA!!
Rachel: Yep, Aviva is a pain in my ass. But I’m wondering if she’s as annoying as I think she is or it’s just that this season has been so painfully boring thus far that I have nothing else to be bothered by. And I always need something to be bothered by…
Melissa: Sadly, that was an entirely too tame of an episode if you ask me. Hopefully there will be more fireworks over London next week.