One Sentence Summary: It’s finally the big day for Jamie and Rich, will it be a day of love or a day of Joe’s inappropriate jokes?
Melissa: OK, I don’t ask for much… I mean I do, but I feel better when I preface with that people might not think I’m a completely demanding bitch. Please, please I beg of you oh Housewife Gods, please let this be the week Caroline flips her shit on the Giudice clan! I’m about up to my ears with that whole brood and really don’t know how much more I can take especially because I know Joe Giudice was just getting warmed up with his awful remarks.
In Touch Or Out Of Touch
Melissa’s What Happened: Jacqueline busies herself getting ready at the hotel while Chris spies Teresa’s In Touch cover story that she’s terrified about being poor – her side is that she is being bullied for being poor. While they digest the story and it’s calling out Caroline, her group gets to their own primping for the big day. While Greg runs out to get toothpaste he too grabs the In Touch and tells Caroline Teresa threw her under the bus calling her a bully. Knowing that Teresa gets paid for the articles Jacqueline worries about what is real and what is fake. Um, ya think you need to wonder Jacqueline? I don’t. I wouldn’t believe her if she told me my lovely (La Crema) Pinot was made with grapes. Caroline calls Teresa a coward for not confessing to the article since she’s with her celebrating her brother’s wedding. Caroline says Teresa likes to hit and run while she can still look like a victim before anyone can speak to the contrary. She’s not going to play the game with Teresa… I don’t know Caroline, I don’t think it’s gonna happen – and I couldn’t be more excited for you to knock her down a peg or two.
Melissa’s What Happened: Once again trying to show they have an amazing marriage Teresa tells Joe for the camera that he has the “best ass” then spies the bottle of KY he bought for himself. OK, here is yet another Joe scene that Bravo tortures me with making me want to crawl out of my skin in disgust. Teresa refers to Jamie and Rich’s wedding a “Civil Rights” yeah Teresa… Keep talking.
Meanwhile in Jacqueline’s room, she wants to ask Teresa about the article, but doesn’t want her to get insulted. Come on Jacqueline, grow a set already, who cares if she’s insulted by your questions, it’s only a matter of time before she turns on you. Really Teresa with the obnoxious ringing of the bell?? Teresa wants to see Jacqueline in a hat because she reminds her of that princess… Kate Hudson. Say what?? Yep, Princess Kate Hudson, I can’t make this stuff up people. Jacqueline brings up the article, and muses that while she’s been broke before, she doesn’t think it belongs in the tabloids. Well my dear, that’s where you and Teresa are night and day. As long as she can get some more time, she’ll sell a story about aliens talking to her. Teresa says she has nothing to do with what’s in the magazine. They ask her questions then write whatever they want, she has nothing to do with it. Ugh Teresa you make my head hurt with your attempts as excuses. To put the divorce rumors to bed she and Joe are going to renew their vows.
The Wheels On The Bus… Are Gonna Come Off
Melissa’s What Happened: In the bus on the way to the wedding everyone seems relaxed and casual, joking and having a good time… Hmmm, are Joe and Teresa asleep? Chris suggests everyone speak with an English accent to go with their hats. Yes Lauren, you telling Joe to go F himself does sound much better. Teresa is the only one who can’t seem to rock an accent, but that’s OK as far as she’s concerned, she’s happy that everything seems so Royal Wedding and thinks Kate Hudson would wear her hat. Again – MIDDLETON!!! Of course not one to let any gossip slide, Teresa tells everyone Melissa’s shore house is finished so now she has a redone house too.
Gorga Shore Time
Melissa’s What Happened: Speaking of, Melissa’s house IS finished and looks great. She tells her neighbors she hopes they aren’t too loud for them, poor things are wondering how they can sell to get away from the cameras and crazies. As Kathy arrives she worries if her ass is sticking out and yes honey it is in fact hanging out. Then again that’s what happens when you don’t put any shorts on and expect your shirt to take care of the coverage. Of course Joe brings home the magazine from the barbershop (read: Bravo producers handed it to him outside). Kathy doesn’t appreciate the mistruths about her and isn’t happy about the picture. HA, I’d sue if I were you Kathy with that shot! Melissa gets she needs to make money, but needs to be loyal to her family.
Back In The Party Bus
Melissa’s What Happened: The cocktails are flowing so you know that means Joe’s comments are about to flow as well. He points out that Teresa is about to have a nip slip (for real, I have no idea how that dress is even staying on her boobs) then politely calls her a whore in Italian (you know, so none of the other Italians will know what he just said). Yes everyone, what is that in the bottom of your glasses? Maybe continue to look for a few minutes until the awkward exchange has passed. The Manzo boys have a little celebratory news, “blk” is representing Levendi wine on the East coast and will need to make a trip to Napa – Teresa is so excited for the trip and Jacqueline doesn’t understand why Chris would invite her. Caroline tries her best to ignore Teresa’s compliments about her hat under the guise of practicing her speech.
Ceremony, Let’s Just Hope It’s Civil
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh, I want a garden wedding with swans and hats!! As the boys arrive in their carriage (add that to my list) Caroline starts to tear up while Chris provides the voice over of growing up with Jamie and how happy he is for his life together with Rich. Jamie and Rich share wonderful vows of their dreams come true with each other and the love they share. Oh man, I’m tearing up over here, what a beautiful exchange. Thank you Caroline, for such a moving speech about their love moving mountains. Sweet Mary I’m going to have to hit the Scotch to get through this. A BUTTERFLY release too?? Come on people, at least let me get to the bottle of the hard stuff before I make my way through the whole box of tissues (for real, I can not keep myself from crying over a wedding). Teresa naturally needs to sully the whole event calling it the ultimate gay extravaganza. No Teresa, it’s just a beautiful wedding don’t ruin it just for the sake of opening your mouth.
We All Just Wanna Be Big Rock Stars
Melissa’s What Happened: At the Shore House, Joe has an announcement to make and wants to start the summer off right with Melissa’s latest song. Hopefully this won’t be as catchy as “On Display” and I won’t wake up at 3am with it looping in my head. Rich and Joe head outside for a man’s chat about Joe’s interest in pursuing therapy with Teresa to fix things. Rich sees Joe’s disappointment with his sister not returning his texts trying to fix things.
Melissa’s What Happened: At the reception Teresa makes an announcement that her book is on the NY Times best seller’s list and thanks all for their support. Clearly she can’t just sit quietly ever, it always has to somehow circle back to her. While Caroline hits the floor with her brother to celebrate, Teresa spies a Buddah and tells Jacqueline she thinks she should ask it for help because of the text she got from Joe. She’s not comfortable with the idea because she knows 110% she doesn’t need therapy and it’s too dramatic. She doesn’t think bringing up the past is the way to go, they need to start fresh and she doesn’t have any grudges like he does. Jacqueline thankfully sees through Teresa’s claims, but doesn’t think to call her on it (why Jacqueline??). Teresa isn’t going to go against her husband (sorry, that’s not gonna happen she says), but yet expects her brother to go against his wife. Oh Teresa, that glass house of yours must be so lovely.
Melissa’s What Happened: At the Shore, Melissa declares everyone in the pool, and Joe attempts to wrestle Rosie into the water, but nothing doing my friend. Melissa share’s her motto of classy and sexy.
Melissa’s What Happened: Jamie and Rich launch Wish Lanterns (again, add to my list… should I ever get married again) to send off messages of peace and offer personal wishes to the group. Joe thinks the lanterns are beautiful and wishes for peace “and stuff” and for a baby boy. Oh Lord, I don’t even want to have that image in my head. Jacqueline admires Jamie being himself and being happy about who he is and thinks if Teresa could just be herself she would be a happy woman for real. Fireworks top off the wonderful event. The WIney Bitches wish those boys decades of happiness together.
Melissa: Thanks for sending us away this week on such a wonderful happy event. Even with all of Teresa’s craziness I still found myself smiling at all the love.