The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 5 – Hood Rat Abroad

One Sentence Summary:  It’s a jolly ol’ time in England until someone refers to Ricki Bobby as “baggage”.

On the left – John Travolta as Vinnie Barbarino.
On the right – Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Hello, Mr. Kotter.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:  OK peeps, it is fully my fault that we’re late this week with our postings.  My cousin got married this weekend in the Burgh (aka: Pittsburgh) and I was busy doing the things you do when a cousin gets married.  So, while I was stuffing my face full of wedding cake and all the bad foods that make Pittsburgh what it is, Emily was in London searching for love.  But I’m back and ready to exchange my y’alls for ‘ello loves while I enjoy a room temperature Boddington’s.  OK, it’s the middle of the day and I’m actually enjoying a green tea, but that doesn’t seem as exciting.  Although if you hook me up with a scone and some finger sandwiches, it might make me feel more British.  Not fully British.  Just like Madonna British, which I suppose is enough for one episode of the Bachelorette.

Melissa:  LONDON BABY!  Sorry, I can’t help myself.  It just comes out.  For real, it’s like Tourette’s.  That being said, this is the week, kiddies… “BAGGAGE WEEK”!!!  I can’t wait to hear who is dumb enough to make that statement.  My money is on Kalon, but that’s really because I just can’t stand him.  Dude, you know the whole show is about finding a daddy for Ricki Bobby! Perhaps you should jump on the “Rah Rah Daddy Train.”  Speaking of daddies, remember that article we mentioned about these guys being the wealthiest group of bachelors ever?  I’m really wondering if she’s weeded out the “poor ones” yet.  I’d like to see some bank book, please.

London Calling

I swear Ricki, all the cool kids in London wear bonnets.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Tally ho and blimey and all that, we’re in London!  And Ricki Bobby is in London too, so all is good.  How do I know that she’s in London?  Well, because we are starting with the mandatory check-in with her and Emily while they explore this wonderful new place.  And Ricki’s giggling, which we all now know is code for “I’m ok, mommy!”

Meanwhile, Chris is welcoming the boys to London and reminds them that, even though there are ten of them left, only one can be Emily’s husband.  I wonder if you have to go to school to be able to achieve Chris’s level of stating the obvious or if this is just a natural talent with which he was blessed.  I mean before he said that, I thought maybe Emily was planning on going all Brother Husbands on us and making a few of the guys husbands, but thankfully now I know she’s a one-man woman.  Next, he’s going to explain to the guys that, even though they are in a foreign country, everyone still speaks English…. just with funny accents, but it’s nothing to be alarmed about.  And they say Reality TV isn’t educational.  Boy, I don’t know which is more of an honor for the Brits – having the Bachelorette film here or hosting the Olympics.  It’s a toss-up, clearly.

Melissa:  I’m shocked!  There are clear skies in London.  How the hell did ABC manage that??  Man, what a boondoggle gig Chris has.  Well, I say that mostly because I wish I had such a gig.  How about it ABC?  You should have the Winey Bitches host one of your shows.  Give us Bachelor Pad.  We would totally rock that out.

Mr. Milquetoast Goes To London

Let’s pretend I’m actually taking the picture, not the staff photographer.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The first date card arrives and Sean is going on the one-on-one date.  He’s stoked about his date with Emily, so much so that he fails to realize that his jeans are hideous and actually leaves the hotel wearing them.  What really is up with those? How were they ever a good idea? Anyway, the rest of the guys are left to stew in their jealousy back at the hotel.  Kalon is especially annoyed because he does not have control of the scenario and it’s frustrating to him.  I’m wondering if he actually understood the way this worked before he agreed to be on the show. But let’s get on with Emily’s date with Bad Jeans Magee.

They’re going to tour London on the iconic double decker bus.  I’ve been on that bus in that weather and it’s frigging cold.  Like “this is no longer fun and I don’t care what that building is” cold.  They ride around town a bit then stop at St. Paul’s Cathedral to take pics.  As they continue on, Emily is filling Sean in on all the history of the buildings they are passing.  Now you know she had to have some crib sheets prepared before this date.  This stuff isn’t just rolling out of her brain unassisted.  There’s no way.  They stop at Buckingham Palace and she tells us that this is where Queen Elizabeth “works” (Really? Didn’t study that sheet too hard, did ya?) and where Kate & William had their first kiss.  Do I need to tell you what happens next?  I do?  Damn, you guys are lazy.  Sean suggests they take a picture in front of the palace and kiss.  You charmer, you.

Melissa:  Sean gets the first one-on-one, and I have to say, he’s on my list.  I won’t lie.  I’m liking this kid.  Kalon isn’t thrilled he’s not on this date.  Sorry sweetie, but I am so loving your frustration.  You are such a pompous dandy to me and I still have no clue how you’ve made it past that little “let me finish” comment.

For real, what’s up with this weather?  Wait, they’re in front of Parliament and not a single “Look kids, Big Ben… Parliament!”  What the hell kind of date is this?  I also question her shoe choice strolling though London in those stilettos.  He did not just offer to carry her purse!  You just jumped a point in my book.  I have to give it up, Sean is really growing on me. He’s adorbs and sweet.

Werewolves in London

Is this guy for real?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Thankfully, we get a break from the palace kissing to visit with the left-behind boys.  Jef is getting angsty about not having had a one-on-one date and feels like he’s becoming a group date master.  A group date ninja, if you will.  Kalon says, that if he ends up with Emily, every date will be a group date with Ricki in tow.  Doh!  Guess we know who’s going to drop the “baggage” line later.  Kalon finds that little gem hilarious while Jef & Arie contemplate how to throw him out the window and make it look like an accident.  Do it guys, no one would blame you.  Instead, Arie tries to ‘splain him that that’s just part of being with someone.  Um, wasted breath, Arie, but good effort.

Back On The Town

Wow, that’s some shine coming off your forehead.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back out in London Town, Emily is asking Sean about the last date he was on.  It was 4 or 5 months ago and it was only one date.  She didn’t have the qualities Sean was looking for and he figured that out pretty quickly.  Before that, he hadn’t been on a date in a really long time.  I blame the jeans.  He blames the lack of quality girls crossing his path.  He’s selective, remember?  She says usually guys that look like him are boring, but he’s not boring.  Um, he’s a little boring.  But she’s having the best day.  And off they go on a walkabout… Wait, that’s Australian.  Well, they go on the British version of a walkabout… A promenade???… where they “stumble” across Speaker’s Corner.  How fortuitous!  Naturally, Sean is challenged to step up and speak, which of course he does.  He announces to the crowd of paid extras that he believes that loving someone is giving yourself completely to them.  He says a whole bunch of other stuff about love and his parents’ love and potentially loving Emily and not having felt love before and I don’t even know what else because this is when I started cruising Facebook to see if anyone posted another pithy someecard.  But I do come back in time to hear that Emily thought all this was hot.  So Sean’s on track to get a rose.

Time for dinner!  They are having their fake meal that they won’t eat at the Tower of London.  Nothing says romance like a former prison and torture chamber.  Emily thinks it’s fitting, however, since love takes no prisoners.  Is that so?  Alrighty then, let’s have some bangers and mash in a dank prison all in the name of romance!  Sounds like that cold is taking no prisoners, Em.

To warm things up, she tells Sean that Henry VIII beheaded two wives here.  You know, forewarning.  Emily really wants to know if Sean has any bombs to drop on her about being divorced or having secret children.  Come on, this guy is so milquetoast it’s unreal, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave some poor kid a scorching wedgie back in high school.  But it’s time to talk about kids and Emily’s ticking biological clock.  He says he loves being an uncle but he’s really dying to become a dad.  She wants to know how many he wants and he wants the same amount that she wants.  What’s that amount?  He doesn’t know, but he’s in agreement.  Emily is smitten, but I’m going to blame the cold medicine for fogging her senses.  Sean gets the rose.

Melissa:  Dinner at Tower of London?  MAN, I need to get on this show.

Where For Out Thou Douchebaggeo?

Where for art thou fashion police?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Date card #2 arrives and it says is “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”  No one has any clue what is going on except for Alejandro who knows it’s Shakespeare.  How is this guy not getting more air time?  Oh right, he’s smart and subdued.  Not so much smart & subdued is Kalon who is starting to boil over not having had a one-on-one date.  He’s not having fun any more.  Anyone else hear a baby crying?  But this is a group date card so let’s find out who’s going:  Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John & Kalon.  That means Jef gets the last one-on-one, which we already know from the previews, but let’s pretend it’s a surprise.  Gasp, Jef got the date!

Off we go to Stratford-Upon-Avon for some Shakespeare in the park.  Emily greets the guys with what’s left of her voice to tell them that they are doing scenes from Romeo & Juliet today.  Doug is not thrilled and Arie is terrified of acting, in general.  Come on Arie, channel that inner Barbarino.  Do the Sweathogs proud.  Travis auditions first and I’m pretty sure he’s wearing Sean’s hideous jeans.  What is going on, guys?  You need to burn them and never ever wear them again.  Ever.  And you also need not act again.  Ever.  That was terrible.  But everyone is having fun with the auditions.  Well, everyone except for Kalon who is taking it extremely seriously.  Of course, that would be helpful if Emily weren’t hoping the guys had fun with this.  Four boys get to play Romeo:  Alejandro, John, Ryan & Kalon get parts.  Arie & Doug get to play the nurse.  Fabulous.   Men in drag.  Ryan is ecstatic that he is the Romeo that gets the kiss, which is made sweeter with Arie playing a nurse.  Arie, by the way, is clueless about what is going on around him and doesn’t know what “jaunt” means… Bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-barino.  Chris & Travis have a duel and Emily knew that Travis would have fun with this.  You know, because he’s a fun guy.  And she knows this from his carrying around an egg for 3 weeks.

Emily saunters over to Ryan & Kalon’s scene rehearsals.  Ryan tells her they are going to share a kiss and it’s going to be a slow intimate kiss.  Kalon isn’t interested in this waste of time chit-chat and tells Emily that they have to get back to rehearsals.  He finishes his rude dismissal of her by literally shooing her away.  The best part is that he does this because he has to rehearse so he can wow her and win the rose.  Yeah, anyone want to clue him in to the fact that he could score himself an Emmy with this performance and he’s still not be getting a rose because douchebaggery trumps great acting every time.  Well, every time on the Bachelorette.  It actually works the opposite way if you’re Christian Bale.

Is it weird that I find you oddly attractive in drag?

Time to act!  Arie & Doug get their tights & moobs on, which is hilarious.  Kalon is the first scene and starts us off with his very angry Romeo.  Up next, John & Doug.  Doug gets his nursemaid, on and plants a wet one on  Jeff’s cheek.  Points to Doug for having fun with it.  Next, Alejandro, Travis & Chris duel which is cute, but pales in comparison to Arie as a nurse.  He’s hilarious and fully pulls it off.  OK, does anyone else think he looks more like Travolta in drag than ever?  Seriously!  Finally, Ryan is up and he gets his kiss.  And he steals one more kiss since he’s “not quite dead yet” and really lays one on her.  I don’t like him but that was one smooth move.  I nod vaguely in his direction.

Melissa:  Aw poor Kalon, you’re on the group date… This is awesome.  I’m actually wringing my hands in excitement over your frustration.  It may be evil of me, but I adore you being miserable.  Here’s a question: what’s up with his teeth?  It’s like they are too big to fit in his head or something.  It’s like he has to keep wrapping his mouth around them.  Wait, Kalon just dismissed Emily to rehearse?!  BAHAHA… Even if you aren’t the one she goes hood-rat on, I think your days are numbered, you prissy little shit.

West Virginia backwoods hood rat

Rachel’s What Happened:  Party time!  I don’t know why I keep announcing the next scene with exclamation points but it’s how I’m feeling, so let’s go with it.  After a quick cheers with the guys, Arie pulls her aside for some alone time.  He tells her acting was the hardest thing for him to do, but if he made her laugh, it was worth it; especially because she’s sick.  Slick Rick.  Up next, Ryan.  He takes her into another room and pulls the curtains on them.  She calls him trouble, which he considers foreplay.  But he first gives her a turquoise necklace, which Emily says is a huge surprise “on so many levels.”  Ha…. No doubt, girl.  Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

On the other side of the velvet curtain, Chris approaches a sulky Kalon who is not excited about talking to an “exhausted sick mother who has a child waiting on her.”  Wow.  What a brat.  Go home, dude.  Well actually, you’re about to get sent home so you can just hang tight.  Word is getting around about what Kalon said and, needless to say, the mens are not happy.  Doug especially takes offense to the use of the word “baggage” in reference to Ricki.  He asks Kalon straight-up if he said it.  Kalon says that he did and he won’t apologize for it.  He says it has a negative connotation when it’s brought up the way Doug brought it up, but he just means it’s a responsibility.  Uh, no.  Wrong.  Try again.  Ryan says it’s uncalled for.  Doug says it’s “bleep” – I’m going to guess it was “bullshit” – and off he goes to find Emily.

He tells her that if he was in her position, he’d want to know and tells her that someone referred to Ricki as baggage.  She asks who and, of course, he tells her that it was Kalon.  Emily is raging angry, but wants to figure out the ladylike way to approach the situation.  Good for you, but none of us would blame you if you just walked up to him and kneed him in the family jewels.  But the fierce mama bear ultimately overrides the proper southern belle and she wants to go rip him a new asshole.  Yeah, dog!  It’s about to get crazy up in here!  Wow, sorry.  Don’t know why I just channeled Randy Jackson.  Ahem… Wait, did she just say she wants to go West Virginia backwoods hood rat on his ass??? OMG, I think I might be the one to propose to Emily.  That was awesome!

Here we go!  Doug basically introduces the situation in lieu of Chris Harrison being present and Emily gives Kalon a chance to defend himself.  He tries to weasel out of it by explaining that “baggage” sounds negative, but it’s just saying it’s a big responsibility.  She says what it is is a huge blessing.  He goes to interrupt her, but she cuts him off and says that she loves to hear him talk but not until she’s done.  Bam!  She just threw that shit right back in his face!  I am actually jumping out of my chair high-five-ing my imaginary friend right now!  She says that anyone that thinks her daughter is baggage does not deserve to be on a date with her.  Had he actually asked her about Ricki, he’d see that she’s the furthest thing from baggage.  Anyone with the tiniest heart could see that, which makes her sad for him and not for herself.  Then she asks if there’s anything he can say to prove that he didn’t say that.  He says not at all and she tells him to get the f**k out.  OK, at this moment, I take back anything negative I ever said about her… until the next time I say something negative.  But right now, this is my girl!  Dumbass tries to backpedal with that crap about his first kid being his own, which really doesn’t help.  Not at all.  In fact, it gives her an opening to bring up the fact that he is the product of a single mother, which disappoints her the most.  He tries again, but she’s done.  She has no interest in what he has to say.  None of us do.  And off Kalon goes into the night.  We hear from him one last time that his comments were taken out of context, but he acknowledges that he isn’t the right man for her.  Ya think?

Meanwhile, Emily is questioning her judgement and questioning why none of the guys got her back in that situation.  She comes back into the room with the guys and tells them she’s bummed it took them this long to tell her about what Kalon said.  Um, ‘scuse me, um… didn’t Doug step up and tell you what he heard the moment he heard it?  Ryan says that some of the guys didn’t say anything because it was her decision to make one way or the other.  Huh?  Arie says it was eating him up inside to not say something and he’s glad she had the intuition to figure that out.  It wasn’t intuition, it was Doug! But she’s still bummed and no one gets the rose.  But but… Doug!  Seems no one got her back so she isn’t sure what that means for the rest of the guys here.  DOUG GOT YOUR BACK!  Oh why do you have to piss me off so quickly after we were starting to get along?  Emily needs some sleep and I need to go pour myself a bourbon.

Melissa:  I KNEW IT!!!  I knew it would be Kalon!  That’s right, you’ve got Doug pissed at you now.  You’re done, dandy boy.  I am so ready to watch the beat down!  West Virginia, hood-rat back woods – bring it Em!  See here’s the thing boys, you don’t F with a Mama Bear.  Hell, I’d even venture to say you don’t F with an Auntie Bear either, because they will jack you up.  Wait, she’s upset with the guys for not telling her, but yet where are Doug’s props for not only telling her but his going off on him as well (not that she saw it)?

Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Let You Down

Wait, why is someone else here on my one-on-one date?

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s the light of day and Emily is spending time with Ricki.  She’s still shaken by what happened and unsure about her trust in the guys, but she has a one-on-one date with Jef.  Poor guy is about to face the firing squad.  No wonder they’re playing funeral music in the background.

Emily takes him for a traditional afternoon tea.  He is hoping he can make her laugh.  She is hoping she can eviscerate him in the name of all scorned women past, present and future.  But first, a scone.  They meet an etiquette teacher who will be joining them for their date.  This is a new twist on the Thunderdome two-on-one date.  After they learn about two-bite sandwiches, strawberry jam for scones and how to properly excuse yourself from the table, they blow out of there and head to the bar for some fish & chips and pints.  Jef brings up the Kalon situation and tells her that he was the one that Kalon was talking to when he called Ricki baggage.  He also tells her that he gave Kalon a piece of his mind about staying when he wasn’t really into it.  He told Kalon that he should leave, but Kalon wanted to stay because it was a “fun adventure”.  OK, I am thinking this is a good thing since he got her back, but at the same time, it’s also pissing her off all over again.  But when he says if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chole hangbag that he wants to have forever, he wins over my heart… Er, I mean Emily’s.  She loves that.  But she’s sill confused about Jef’s feelings for her.  Uh, he might not be pawing all over you, but he clearly digs you.  Pay attention.  All the signs are there.  He’s just shy.

Would you just kiss me already?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Next they head out to the London Eye and go for a moonlit ride.  They are getting gorgeous views of London from inside the eye, but are ignoring the desserts on the table.  See, in my world, desserts don’t get ignored.  That’s akin to treason in my book.  But this isn’t my world so let’s get back to the date.  Jef says he wants to take it to the next level and I think that’s the first official “next level” of the season!  Woohoo!  Emily tells Jef she’s having a great time with him, but wishes he would be more open with her because she is still questioning whether or not he’s into her.  Last night broke her confidence, so she wants to know what else she’s missing.  He promises to never lie to her and doesn’t know anyone that wouldn’t like her.  This process has made him get lost in his thoughts a lot, but he feels really comfortable with her and he is ready to have a family.  She asks if the party would end if she & Ricki moved into his life in Salt Lake.  He says that the party would just be starting if that happened.  This kid’s goooood.  He’s moving up my chart… and Emily’s too as she gives him the rose.  OK dude, kiss her.  KISS HER!  Stop talking about kissing her and do it.  Now.  Now!  Finally… the kiss.   Took long enough.  OK, enough of the kiss.  No seriously, we get it.  Enough.  Stop.

Melissa:  Poor Jef waited all this time to go up against a pissed-off Emily.  Side bar: I love that jacket with the pink sash and I adore afternoon tea!!  There’s a fantastic place in Windsor, The Crooked Tea House, that is awesome.  I have been known to go to town on their clotted cream.  Wait, what were we talking about.  Oh yeah… Did Emily really change for dessert?  I get he’s a cool guy, but that hair, it really has to go.  Finally, he went in for a kiss.

Get My Back 

No, I would never not get your back.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, it’s time for the cocktail party.  I have a feeling we’re in for a long talk with Chris at some point too.  But first Emily, would like to address the crowd… and in a fabulous navy dress, I might add.  I’m mildly obsessed with navy dresses and this one is awesome.  She tells the guys that the week was rough for her after she was shown such a huge lack of respect.  She lost a lot of confidence but she has hope & faith that the guys don’t share Kalon’s views.

First up, Travis.  She asks him what he would do if someone insulted his girl.  He says he would confront the person.  She says she would get her man’s back no matter what and would want a guy to get hers too.  Then she bores a hole through his forehead waiting for him to respond in kind.  He says off-camera that he could feel the heat in the room getting intense.  Clearly, there will be no fun tonight.  Next on the chopping block – John.  He says the situation has been eating at him because he will tell Emily the truth at all times.  By not telling her about Kalon, he says he cheated her.  She says that’s why she is so bummed out.  And he also feels like he’s going through the ringer.  Arie gets the next interrogation.  She says that she doesn’t need anyone to fight her battles.  He said that was clear.  But she wanted to know that he had her back because she feels really close to him, but in that moment, she felt really alone.  Sweet Mary, Ashley, stop interrogating all the guys!  Oh wait, you’re Emily, not Ashely.  That’s right.  So stop acting like her!  Arie says he’s just trying to focus on them and not on what other people are saying.  He also thinks that everyone thought she was handling the situation and that is why no one spoke up.  Yeah, I’m with you, but that is so not what she wants to hear.  She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but she wants to make sure he has her back.  He promises and I’m pretty sure offered her a kidney.  He walks away feeling as bad as the guys that went before him.  Don’t worry, Arie, she has the hots for you.  You’re safe.

Ryan’s up and I have a feeling he’s not going to deal well with being in the line of fire.  But first, he has some Shakespeare to lay on her and leaves her standing on the balcony.  From below, he tells her how beautiful she is and how happy he is to be there with her.  Well, someone has all the right moves tonight.  He manages to avoid the rapid-fire questioning and goes right to the making out.  I’m gonna say this is unexpected.  I imagine he’ll turn into the douchebag again soon enough.  Sean wants to let her know that he is there to protect her.  She says she knows he would have stood up and said something.  Nice that he gets the credit for doing the right thing without having to do the right thing.  Ay yi yi.   I guess Sean is now the hero against the meanies.  Enjoy it while it lasts, guy.

Melissa:  I appreciate Emily being concerned about the guys having her back, but she also has to realize that if she’s on this show, she’s going to end up with a few d-bags in the bunch.  And guess what, they’re going to tell you they’re on your side ‘til you don’t give up a rose.  Oh come on Ryan, give it up.  You’re tap dancing around annoying at this point.

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose

Hmmm… How long can I stand here and torture them by not actually handing out a rose?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Hey no heart to heart with Chris!  Wow.  This might be the most shocking rose ceremony of all time.  Emily tell the guys that she is feeling better and her faith is restored.  Yeah yeah, hand out some roses.

Staying:  Sean, Jef, Doug, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis, & Arie

Going:  Alejandro

Gone:  Kalon – He gets his own category this week.

Melissa:  That’s right you better give Doug a rose!  OK, I was seriously starting to worry for a second.  Poor Alejandro, at least you have your mushrooms to fall back on.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Poor Alejandro.  I totally think he got the shaft this whole time.  But you know what, he’s better off without her.  There’s an amazing woman out there for him.  But I’m only surprised she didn’t send him home sooner.

That bitch is going to Croatia!  Oh, I’m exploding with jealousy right now.  That is seriously one of the most gorgeous cities on earth.

BTW, why do they show us previews for the rest of the season if we’re supposed to be surprised at the rose ceremonies?  Kinda takes what little excitement there is out of it.  I mean we know Arie isn’t going home any time soon.  That we can figure out.  But cut us some slack!

Melissa:  I’m going to miss that little shit.  Hee hee.   Sorry, I tried to say it with a straight face, but no, I’m so glad Kalon is gone.

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