One Sentence Summary: Ramona & LuAnn agree to make peace, and Aviva quickly goes to work undermining it.
Rachel: My apology parade continues… Again, family weddings and events in Pittsburgh have caused me to be late on all of this week’s shows. So, I am now power watching everything and it’s the middle of the day so I can’t even ease my pain with a big glass of wine. And by glass, I mean bottle. So, I’m just going wrap myself up in the crazy quilt and hunker down for a long painful day. And since I’m apologizing, I might as well apologize ahead of time for the lack of patience I will no doubt have for all of this nonsense as I’m coming into this hot off the heels of the Bachelorette. That’s right, crazy coming at me from all sides and I just keep taking the bullets for you. I’m ready to be sainted, in case anyone is asking. I know, I know… This doesn’t really qualify as a miracle, but you have to admit that it’s damn close. And if I survive to the end of RHOC, which is next on the docket, then it will really be an unquestionable miracle. Saint Rachel – Has a nice ring to it…
Stir The Pot
Rachel’s What Happened: We start this week by meeting up with Aviva and her husband for dinner. She tells us he is her favorite person in the world and she couldn’t breathe without him. Boy, I hope this isn’t foreshadowing. Heather and her husband join them and they are excited for a night without the kids. Heather mentions her home in the Berkshires (again) and Aviva says she’s always willing to freeload. There you go, big pimping without the big mortgage. I like it. Heather also tells us that she and her husband live a Jewish lifestyle even though she has not converted officially yet. She, therefore, remains Jewish “by injection”. Yeah, can’t unhear that. Meanwhile, being that his father is a rabbi, I’m sure they are both aware that her kids are technically not Jewish either if she didn’t convert before they were born. You’d think they’d have maybe thought that through. I’m just sayin… Then as if Heather hasn’t overshared enough, she tells Aviva that she ran into her ex-husband at her surprise birthday party and he told her that he slept with both Luann and Sonja. Holy dirty penis, Batman! Aviva says it’s gross and I’m going to have to agree with her. And if you are as curious as I was to see what a man sleeping his way through Manhattan Housewives looks like, click here. Yeah, that’s him. I don’t get it either.
Then Aviva wants to understand how Heather parents her kids because she was a special needs child, so she knows their having one must be hard for them. No breaking them in gently. Heather’s husband thinks she spoils their son and she gives us a whole thing about Batman and I have no clue what she’s talking about. I’m going to guess it just proves she’s spoiling her kid. Yeah, ok. Anyway, Aviva pulls “a Ramona” and says she needs to be very direct with Heather. She had an accident when she was a child (Are we going to have to hear this every time she’s on camera?) and her mother spoiled her. Now, her husband has to deal with the consequences, therefore they shouldn’t spoil their kid. Um, if you know you’re spoiled, why not be a grown up and change it? But then, in her interview, she says that it’s just that she didn’t want to be treated differently. Hmmm…
But enough about the kids, it’s time to talk about Ramona. Heather says she is trepidatious with Ramona, but she doesn’t not like her… yet. Aviva says that her husband always tells her, “Say what you mean, just don’t say it mean,” which is pretty darn good advice. I know a lot of people that could benefit from that lesson. I would include myself, but then you wouldn’t have a blog to read. Or at least one you’d want to read. Aviva thinks that’s Ramona’s problem but she is just as critical of LuAnn for telling them about the fight in the first place. I have a feeling Aviva is going to be the resident pot stirrer this year. I was wondering who was going to take Jill’s place, and now I know.
LuAnn v Ramona – The Face Off
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the LuAnn v Ramona face off. They meet in Central Park and it’s clear from their body language that neither of them wants to really be there. Hey, but at least they’re going to give it the old college try, though I’m giving it 2 minutes before it gets nasty. LuAnn wants to understand where Ramona is coming from and why she ran away from her at Sonja’s party. Ramona says it wasn’t the time nor the place to discuss it. Point Ramona. She says she grew up in a home where people screamed and yelled, so she knew it was better to not have the conversation at the party. Fair. Then she goes on a tangent about LuAnn giving her digs all the time. LuAnn wants to keep it about the kids which is why they’re there. It’s not fair for her to call LuAnn a bad mother. She’s a single mom just trying to raise her kids the best she can. Point LuAnn. Ramona says the way she raises her children is none of her business, but she shouldn’t be digging on Avery either. Fair. LuAnn says she never has. And well, that’s not true. You totally have. LuAnn just wants an apology, but Ramona isn’t going to give it to her.
Finally, LuAnn brings up Noel’s birthday party and Ramona threatening to tell everyone about what happened. From the look at Ramona’s face, she realizes she’s trapped and goes on the defensive like a starving dog with a bone. Everyone knows LuAnn is never home with her kids and is falling off tables, so how could she threaten her when it’s already out there? Wow, way way way out of line Ramona. At this point, I’m not sure why LuAnn is still sitting there. One look at those crazy eyes bulging out of Ramona’s eyes and I’d be hoofing it out of Central Park at lightening speed. But after a lot of squawking at each other about how they don’t actually really like nor care about each other, they decide that they should just move forward and be civil to each other. If LuAnn doesn’t attack her first, Ramona won’t attack her back, because she has an unfiltered mouth and that’s just how it goes. Uh-huh, so everyone has to tiptoe around you, Ramona, because you can’t be responsible for what you say? Got it. But it’s all good as the ladies have reached a tenuous detente and go their separate ways. Yeah, this is about as solid a union as a Kim Kardashian marriage.
Rachel’s What Happened: Aviva meets Carole at a high-end vintage store to do a little shopping. Of course, within 30 seconds of being in the store, Aviva brings up the LuAnn-Ramona situation. Yep, official pot stirrer. Carole feels like they should wait to hear Ramona’s side of the story, but overall it makes her uncomfortable. Aviva gets the hint to move on and asks about her dating life. Carole says she is in a casual relationship with a musician named Russ who is in Aerosmith. Of course, I have to immediately check him out and he’s not a bad looking dude. Seems they are together when he’s around and when he’s not, they’re free to do whatever (and whomever) they like. Go Carole! Aviva is fascinated and wants to introduce Carole to someone in her circle. The way she’s fawning all over her, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Aviva herself. But Carole makes it known that she doesn’t put out until the guy thinks he’s in love with her… which could happen on the first date. I think Aviva just drooled. Hey, free to be you and me, people. Free to be… On the way out, Carole hits on a very very VERY hot man who is shopping for his supermodel girlfriend. Of course, he is.
Need Your Pipes Cleaned?
Rachel’s What Happened: Over at “Party Like a Bankrupt Rockstar” Central, Sonja is having to deal with the damage to her place from Hurricane Irene. So, she calls a contractor, Rich, who comes in to look at the damage and has to deal with Sonja leering at him when all he wants to do is test her water pipes. His own pipes – Well, those he’d like to remain untouched. And seriously Sonja, this guy is doing it for you? Is it something about men with tools? I mean you about knocked yourself out over the plumber last season. Anyway, maybe just tone it down a notch. Hanging off a day bed talking about your assistant’s “tits” is probably not the best seduction technique. Then again, no one’s ever accused Sonja of being subtle.
When she starts jumping around pulling up her jeans, the contractor excuses himself and goes running back downstairs to do the water test before she unhinges her jaw and swallows him whole. He says there’s a drain in the wall that’s broken and she thinks that adds to her personality. Look, don’t ask me. I rewound it three times and I don’t have any idea how that thought process works. So, it looks like a big repair job for Sonja who just sees it as an opportunity to spend time with Rich. He suggests she move into a hotel while the work is being done. This is more for his safety than hers. As if Sonja hasn’t embarrassed herself and everyone in the room enough, she turns to her assistant and says that this might be a good time for her to get her boob job. The mortified assistant reminds her it’s a reduction and starts calculating in her brain what she will get in a settlement after she sues Sonja for mental anguish. You’ll get added to the list of outstanding bills in her bankruptcy case. I think you’re better off just bailing out of that apartment as fast as Rich did.
Sing Of Me Fondly
Rachel’s What Happened: We get to meet Russ, the guy Carole is casually dating, who is just back from LA. The two drive around the city listening to his music and a song inspired by his feelings for Carole. Ah, the one major benefit of dating a musician; the love songs you inspire… Well, until you piss them off and then they start writing about how much you suck. Not that I know anything about that. At all. Anywho, Russ tells her that he’s going back on the road tomorrow. Carole says she enjoys the part of a relationship where you miss someone, which is part of why she’s the queen of long-distance relationships. Then, cool casual Carole asks him about the groupies he meets on the road. Not so casual, are we? He says that they really don’t hang around after shows to meet girls. Really? That’s nice to hear… and maybe he could set me up with Joe Perry while we’re on the subject. OK, so we weren’t actually on the subject, but can we make it happen anyway?
Cheers To Dad
Rachel’s What Happened: Heather is hosting a party at her home in the Berkshires. She likes it there because it’s peaceful and unpretentious. The party tonight is in honor of her late father. They will be having all the things he loved as an homage to him. I like that idea. She and her sister go through their father’s things and find a poem he wrote about being a soldier. It’s a very touching moment and I’m temporarily filled with a warm feeling for Heather. I expect it to be snuffed out momentarily. She says that her father didn’t want a memorial service but they wanted to do something fun & positive in his memory. So, they hope that this would have made him happy and toast to his memory while drinking beer straight from the bottle. Wow, how wonderfully unpretentious. I’m happy to report that the scene has ended with no drama or inappropriate behavior. Bravo, Heather.
Rachel’s What Happened: Out in the Hampton’s, things are not bien at LuAnn’s house, as her son is on the brink of failing French. It seems he has too many things going on that take up his time so he just “spaces” doing his French homework. Uh, no. LuAnn isn’t having his excuses, but being that her idiot boyfriend is interrupting and sticking up for the kid, she’s not really getting very far. What a jackass. Who tells a kid that failing a class is ok because French is worthless anyhow? And he speaks French! Yeah, he may never use it on a daily basis, but learning a foreign language actually helps with listening skills and adds flexibility in thinking, among other things. It’s true. I looked it up. But it is nice to see that LuAnn doesn’t back down. Let’s just hope Ramona doesn’t find out.
Stir, Stir, Stir
Rachel’s What Happened: Aviva meets Ramona for lunch and I’m sure she’s going to stir the crazy pot today too. Damn, before I even finished typing that, Aviva brings up Ramona telling Heather she’s an interrupter. Ramona thinks the conversation helped them move forward. Yeah, think again. This gives Aviva the chance to drop her “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean” catchphrase. Honey, just print up some t-shirts or business cards and make it easy on yourself.
Then she tells Ramona that LuAnn told her about the blackmailing. Lord, woman, stop! Now, LuAnn is a liar and Ramona says she needs to get a job. This is after she says she’s no longer going to engage in this behavior. But Ramona is going to take the high road and ignore the situation. Well, after she calls her names and insults her. She just isn’t saying it to LuAnn’s face. Yes, that’s so much better. Aviva says LuAnn only told her (but the other girls probably know), which is an ok lie to tell because it will prevent Ramona’s feelings from getting hurt. You know, Aviva, had you not actually brought up the situation in the first place, you wouldn’t have had to lie. Just a thought.
GLAAD To Be Here
Rachel’s What Happened: Sonja has been asked by GLAAD to present an award at their Amplifier Awards. She excitedly accepted because she loves the LGBT crowd. And apparently, the L part of said crowd loves Heather because she tells Carole that some famous lesbians have hit on her. Good to know. We’ll all check that box on the “Heather Is Cool” scorecard. Meanwhile, Ramona has shown up to the party and ask if Carole was a “spokesperson” for ABC News. Carole wonders what a spokesperson for the news would be, and honestly, so do I. She says no, she was a producer for Peter Jennings and Diane Sawyer. Ramona is duly impressed and even admits that Carole is more accomplished professionally than the rest of the ladies. Of course, this is also an opportunity for her to remind us that LuAnn doesn’t work, so clearly Carole would be more successful. Can’t help yourself, can you Ramona?
Backstage, Sonja is enjoying the free eats and misses her introduction. Twice. Who is producing this show? Go get her! Finally, she makes her way to the stage and gives the award for Best Outdoor Campaign completely clueless that she kept everyone waiting. But isn’t she clueless 90% of the time? Anyway, while Ramona learns what the “T” in LGBT means, the show goes on with some drag queen dancing.
Rachel: Well, I’m officially annoyed with Aviva and warming up to Heather. Jury’s still out on the latter though. Carole’s still cool in my book though. I could definitely hang with her. And I seriously think Ramona is totally off her rocker. Completely bananas. And not in a funny way, either. I actually just want to throttle her.