One Sentence Summary: Emily takes her bachelors to Bermuda and starts to see cracks in some of the men’s personalities.
Rachel: And so the frolicking in the sun and sand begins tonight, though I think there may be more frolicking between Emily and Ricki than with the men. Still, it’s time for the world tour and the pretty vistas which make me have momentary lapses of sanity where I consider signing up for the show. I mean I don’t really believe you can truly find love on this nonsense show, but I do like me a fancy hotel and turquoise blue waters. I’d be willing to play the game for a little of that. Plus, it would force me to get my derriere to the gym knowing I’d have to be in a bathing suit on TV. But alas, I am relegated to sitting behind my computer and pretending that I’m going to work-out at any point during the day. Hey, at least I’m honest about it. Oh, and make sure you don’t forget to check the Bachelorette Drinking Game rules each week as we’re adding ideas from our readers.
Melissa: Emily and the boys are off to Bermuda for this week’s wooing. I have to wonder how much time Ricki Bobby will end up missing from school to follow Mommy around while she looks for Daddy #2.
Bermuda, Jamaica, Ooh I Wanna Take Ya…
Rachel’s What Happened: Wow, we started the week without Emily’s deep thoughts & the “Ricki’s ok” check-in. It must be coming. There’s no way we’d be deprived of such an important moment. But I guess Chris Harrision has to tell the guys about Bermuda first. Oh and of course explain the rules of the dates one more time. Seriously, if anyone out there doesn’t have a grasp about how this works by now, they’re probably a lost cause. Of course, Chris does have to earn his paycheck somehow.
Here we go! Emily and Ricki in Bermuda. We knew it was coming. Those crazy editors were just trying to mess with our heads. So, I’m with Melissa here wondering if Ricki doesn’t have to go to school? I mean I get having your kid with you, but school? Friends? Stability? Maybe that’s a little more important?
Melissa: Yeah, I really don’t get why Chris has to explain how the dates work each week either. Pretty sure they get that if they don’t get a rose on the one-on-ones they’re going home. The boys are thrilled to be headed off to Bermuda, but really who wouldn’t?? They may not get a wife, but dammit they’ll at least get a free vacation.
Rachel’s What Happened: The boys pull up to ther insane hotel. Again, I’ve got to get on this show just for the traveling. Doesn’t The Bachelorette – Cougar Edition sound awesome? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that? Oh, you wouldn’t? Maybe think about a minute… And speaking of awesome, Doug gets the first Bermuda date card. It’s very cute because he is actually visibly nervous and dropping mega f-bombs as he gets a little drama on us with the stress. Perhaps, he might want to take a shot before he goes on his date. And perhaps I should stop liking guys on this show because they go off the rails the second I say it. First Ryan and now Doug. Though I still have faith in Doug. If Doug doesn’t make it to the end, I invite him to join me on TBCE.
Emily and Doug go shopping and walk around town. Emily says he’s the perfect guy for this date because he’s up for shopping. Well, alrighty then. If that’s all it takes… OK, even if he had a bit of a meltdown, I do like this guy. His son said to him that one person can’t change the world so he started a charity to show him that one person actually can change the world. How amazing is that? Seriously, I think I see a halo starting to shine over his head. It may have a few dings in it, but that’s all part of the charm. Emily is started to get a little burnt basking in his glow so she asks if he’s ever grumpy. He admits that he was grumpy when she walked in the room & that’s why things were tense. I like that he admitted that and owned his ‘tude. See, Doug is the bomb. Emily wants to write a letter back to Doug’s son, Austin, since he was so nice to write her a note. Next, she takes him to a place where people make romantic wishes as they walk through a stone arch. Hopefully, this romantic wish works out better for him than it did for Joe. Emily says she wished that she won’t be single forever. Seriously, lady, you’re starting to piss me off with the “who me?” humility. I’m going to venture a guess that your wish is going to come true.
At dinner, Doug tells Emily how much he appreciates her sending a postcard to Austin. It put him on Cloud 9. Emily is having fun with Doug, but feels like he’s hiding something from her. He reminds her of Brad who was always so perfect, which makes her nervous. Again, did she meet the same Brad we all met? But she wants to know the imperfect parts of Doug. Uh, he just told you he was a jerk to the other guys in the hotel room. Read: He can be moody & temperamental. Besides, you’re on your first actual date with him. Isn’t he supposed to be impressing you? I mean imagine how un-fun dating would be if the first time you met someone they told you that they cut their toenails in bed and have been known to clear a room with their farts. I mean enjoy the moment and the guy he wants to be for you. I realize that time is short here and that, in some ways, it would save all of us time if we put the crap on the table day 1, but romance is already on life support. Don’t kill it completely.
Anyway, not backing off, she wants to know what his ex would say if she were at the table. Doug says that he spent too much time with his son. But that’s too perfect of an answer. He says that their last argument was about him not washing her car enough. She’s not swayed so he asks her what her faults are. She rattles off that she’s too sensitive, she is stubborn, she doesn’t work out and she does errands in her pajamas. OK, these are faults? Really? And him being grumpy isn’t a fault? I’m ready to strangle her. But before I can get to her, she actually realizes that she put him on the spot and maybe she’s being too hard on him. Oh how the tables have turned. Let’s give Doug points for giving Emily a spoonful of her medicine. This puts Emily back at ease, and she gives Doug the date rose. In that moment, he really wants to kiss Emily, but his grandfather said not to kiss a girl unless she lets him know for sure. Ah, Doug, it’s not 1940 and this might be one time you don’t want to listen to your grandpa. Taking it slow on a show that is only 12 weeks long isn’t the smartest play. Kiss the girl! But he does not.
Melissa: The boys arriving on their little mopeds look like a jacked up girlie-man version of the Hell’s Angels. Yeah, I get it’s the common form of transport, but really… Tell me that’s not the image that flashed through your mind seeing them all.
Yay! I loves me some Doug time. I appreciate Arie’s wanting to send his competition home, but sorry sweetie, I don’t think that’s gonna happen just yet. Arie I like you right now, don’t ruin it by being an ass. I have to say I appreciate a man who is willing to shop with a lady – that is a fine quality right there. And I have to give her props on the postcard to Doug’s son Austin, that’s sweet. She’s thinking he’s too perfect? Quick! Doug, do something! Break a glass, burp at the table (don’t fart though, chicks don’t dig that), do something bad! But seriously, Emily, I get that you think his spending too much time with his son seems like a perfect answer, but get this… There are women out there who give a guy a hard time for not giving them all their time and don’t want to share time with the kids. (I speak from experience on that one.) It happens in real life. At least she’s smart enough to give him a rose.
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the hotel, the collective blood pressure is just returning to normal as the next date card arrives and sends pulses racing again. The group date card determines who is possibly ending up on the two-on-one date making this the most wanted group date of the show. Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis & Kalon get the date. So, it’s Michael, Alejandro, John & Nate up for the two-on-one. Has Nate been on a single date yet?
Group date time and I’m wondering if the dress code is blue & white in Bermuda. It’s like a bad Gap ad on this date. Kalon feels like he’s in his element with sailing. Of course you do. Anything that would be part of a J Crew catalogue is right up your alley. Ryan, on the other hand, doesn’t know “jack squat” about sailing, but he’s willing to learn for Emily. Besides, he’s an athlete so he thinks he’ll pick it up pretty quickly. And of course you do. These guys are becoming so predictable.
The guys will be racing each other in two teams and the winners get to spend more time with Emily. The losers go back to the hotel. The two teams are: Yellow – Ryan, Jef, Kalon & Arie. Red – Charlie, Travis, Chris & Sean. Uh, way more muscle on the Red Team. Ryan’s got some work to do over with the Yellows. As expected, the Red Team pulls way out ahead of the Yellow Team. Well, until the Red Team starts sailing in circles and gives the Yellow Team a chance to pass them. The lead is short-lived as the muscle of Red Team puts them ahead once again. However, since this is the most exciting boat race in Bachelorette history, the lead changes again and the Yellow Team wins. Jef, who was in charge of the biggest sail on his team, ripped his finger open on the first turn, but kept going. There you go, Jef. Way to get all manly on us, in spite of your hair.
As the Red Team heads home, Charlie actually starts crying. He says he’s so embarrassed and he didn’t expect this to happen. Ummmm…. Yeah, but tears? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s an overreaction.
Back at the party, Ryan makes a toast to Emily, his possible “trophy wife”. No, you did not. What an ass. That is enough to get you sent home. Arie isn’t going to waste time making douchey toasts, and takes Emily aside for some one-on-one time. He tells her that he missed her, and gets right to the making out portion of events. This guy is good with the forehead kisses and the pushing her hair off of her face. If there are any men out there reading this, take note. Women eat this stuff up and you might want to add it to your repertoire of moves. Maybe consider replacing that not-using-a-napkin-ever move with a forehead kiss move. Trust me, this is sound advice. Jef gets some alone time with Emily and uses it to tell her how he’s feeling and to break a TV record of using the word “like” in 60 seconds. Really Jef, I thought I was suddenly watching an episode of the Kardashians. But I like Jef even though he seems like a little brother and not a hot date. So much so that he misses his opportunity for a kiss. What is with these boys?
Back at the group, Ryan tells Arie that he looks forward to spending time with Emily and that he knows what he wants. He wants to flirt with her and “build up some excitement”. But he also wants to tell her to use this opportunity to her full potential. Someone needs to put a pump to this guy’s ear and deflate that giant head of his. What an egomaniac. He tells her that he has a lot of depth and he is here to not make an impression but to impress upon her. She isn’t quite buying what he’s selling and brings up his comment about her gaining weight. He says that God designed her to be a beautiful woman so she should just be a beautiful woman. Wow. I’m ready to jump through the TV and shove a ball-gag in his mouth. And not in a sexual way, in a STFU way. I can’t take much more of his ego and his little pithy one-liners.
He says he prayed for her to make sure she used this opportunity to show other girls how to carry themselves & how to treat men, so he had a hard time watching her kiss Arie. Whoa, hold it there a minute. There is no part of you that didn’t like it because of how she was representing women – which BTW is not for you to say in the first place- but because your ego couldn’t handle it. And the fact that Emily is sitting here apologizing, makes me want to ball-gag her too. Are you kidding me? Tell his dick to pack his shit and go. If this is how he goes about wooing you, can you imagine how your life would be after you were married? I’ll tell you how it would be. Miserable. You’ll never please him because he’ll always find new ways to demean you to maintain control. Run, Emily, run. This is a bad situation. Trust me. I’ve been there. It’s just some advice from one single girl to another. Thankfully, Emily says in her interview that she felt judged, which I like because she’s not being bamboozled. And I like that word. Bamboozled.
Anywho, Jef gets the date rose again and the men start to realize that this guy might actually be a threat. Well, all the guys except for Ryan who sees it as Emily pleasing him by not giving it to Arie. This guy is delusional. He needs to go… although part of me can’t wait for the next insane nugget to roll out of his rectangle head. But mostly he needs to go.
Melissa: Of course, Kalon thinks he’ll be in his element on the seas (eye roll). I love that they are shocked that this is a competition and the losing team goes home. The fun thing about sailing is that you just never know who will get the wind at the right time. Yellow gets the win and Ryan gets his douche talking time. Arie gets the first smooch of the week (naturally) and I have to again question how these men get so invested after 3 weeks. Where were these desperate men when I was dating?? What, no kiss, Jef?? DAYUM, poor girl isn’t getting much action tonight. At least we know Ryan will be full court when he gets blanket time.
Wait, Ryan’s not there to impress her but make an impression on her… I think you’ve impressed that on all of us… ALL of us. And was he really praying for her? Oh geez, how is that a call for you to make?
Two Men Enter. One Man Leaves.
Rachel’s What Happened: Ruh-roh, two-on-one date time. The only time a guy doesn’t get excited at the prospect of two-on-one. John & Nate are the lucky winners. I still don’t agree with the concept of this date. I mean, what if she likes both guys? Granted, it’s never happened, but it could… Maybe? Right?
But before we can two-on-one it, we have to check in with Ricki to make sure she’s still ok in Bermuda. Anyone else notice that Ricki doesn’t actually ever speak?
Anywho, the guys are ready-ish for this date, and as they head out, they both look like they’re being sent to their deaths.
Melissa: Emily and Ricki Bobby are enjoying themselves, but the 2-on-1 is worrying Emily. HA, I love the foreshadowing that one of them will be lost at sea. Yes, true to Bachelor form, they’ll be left in a dinghy with only a paddle and their shame. OK, maybe not, but I wouldn’t put it past these folks.
Immaturity – A Game of I Know You Are But What Am I
Rachel’s What Happened: At the house, the guys are betting on which guy is coming back. The majority say John because he’s got more swagger and he’s older. Doug says that there is a huge difference between a guy at 21, 25, 30 and 35… which I’m going to say is true. Chris, on the other hand, disagrees. Ryan says he disagrees because he’s 25. Chris doesn’t find that amusing and now he’s the cranky guy in the room saying it’s about life experiences. Yeah, you haven’t had much of that either, Chris. Hate to tell you. And can we discuss why Michael is still here? He couldn’t look more disinterested in what’s going on at any given time. Anyway, Chris takes point with Doug for calling him out, even though Ryan said it. OK, Chris, simmer down. Your immaturity is showing.
Melissa: What’s with Chris getting all sorts of snippy with the whole age thing in the hotel? Chill my friend, she’s not going to ditch you for your age. She’s going to ditch you because you annoy her.
But It’s Only A Table For Two
Rachel’s What Happened: Back on the boat, the trio goes to Diving Board Island to jump off some cliffs. Emily is having a great day with both the guys, but is looking forward to seeing the more serious side of the guys at dinner. In the meantime, she’ll just frolic in the water with her mens.
Dinner turns out to be in a cave, where they are seated at a tiny table making an awkward date even more awkward. Things don’t get better when Nate brings up the fact that they’re being served “kwi-noah”, which I’m pretty sure is actually pronounced keen-wah. But regardless of the pronunciation, no one wants to eat the quinoa or anything else on their plate, which is the level of exciting TV we’re all enjoying right now. Will they get to-go boxes? Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat… As stimulating as this all is, Emily breaks up the fun and takes Nate aside for some less awkward one-on-one time. Well, I hope it’s less awkward. Nate says he gets that he’s on this date because he hasn’t shown her anything to make her really interested in him. She says that’s not how it works. Well, maybe it works that way a little bit. Nate opens up about wanting kids, his awesome family and his incredible brother. That makes him cry. It also makes him say “cheers” for the third time on this date. Emily thinks he’s very sweet. I think he’s going home.
John’s up next and he says that he’s actually not mad about the one-on-one because he’ll either rise to the top or not have to ride in the middle of the pack anymore. He says that he’s not a “hey look at me guy”, which Emily likes. After spending a quality 15 minutes with each guy, she knows what she wants to do. My gut is saying John. Emily gives her “you’re both great guys” speech, and then drops the bomb on Nate that she doesn’t see herself with him long-term. She thinks Nate is still young and doesn’t have a lot of life experience under his belt. And clearly, she doesn’t like the tears. First, Tony and now Nate. Take a lesson guys! Keep the tears to yourself.
Melissa: Oh, the dreaded 2 on 1 date where you are assured someone is going home. Nate and John both realize the do or die aspect of their date but both seem so ridiculously wishy-washy if you ask me. Cliff diving? Oh HELL NO!! Especially since I’d lose my top the second I hit the water, not to mention the complete wedgie my bottom would do on my business end. HEY, they aren’t going to be lost at sea, but lost in caverns. These 2-on-1’s crack me up with how completely awkward they are. Wait, now they aren’t going to eat? Who goes to dinner and doesn’t eat? Maybe it’s me and I eat like every 2 hours but that just seems silly. Nate needs to bring it back around before he’s left behind in that cave while Emily and John take their date back to the boat. Ugh, and he’s a cryer? Come on Nate, man up a bit if you expect to get that rose. OK, I’m warming up to you John, and apparently so is Emily. Too bad Nate couldn’t just chill and do a little spelunking before being sent off… never to be heard from again.
Rachel’s What Happened: We get our “getting dressed time” with Emily & Ricki. And look! Emily looks fantastic! No Ice Capades illusion netting! No sparkles. No gold. Just a really beautiful white jumpsuit and a fantastic necklace. I kinda need that pearl & metal necklace.
Anyway, it’s time for the cocktail party and hey, it’s one-on-one time with Alejandro! He does a much better job wooing her than Alessandro did. Nice. I don’t know why I like him when I know nothing about him, but I do.
Next up, Ryan who is feeling very confident. Ugh. More Ryan. None of the guys want more Ryan in her life either so Arie goes in to pull her away. He says it’s because he wants to protect Emily, but it’s just as much to stick it to Ryan. Not that I’m mad at that. Meanwhile, Ryan is telling her that it was admirable of her to say to the guys that they can ask her any questions they want. See, she’s the center of attention but that doesn’t make her worthy of the attention. So, what does she think makes her worthy? Oh Arie, please do not interrupt this right now. I’m dying to hear how she responds to that incredibly demeaning question. She sidesteps it and that says she wants someone who will get her back because she will get their back. He is pleased… Ah, if only he had a beard to stroke while he evaluates her responses. This is when Arie comes in and Emily couldn’t be happier to be rescued. Ryan says that the guys see him as a threat, because as he forms a bond with Emily, they’re going to have to lash out against him. And Arie is definitely not a threat. Yeah, I’m going to say your way off on that one, buddy. But as Ryan’s ego starts to wonder if he’s going to get a rose, he spins it into him knowing he’s meant for a higher calling. You know, like doing The Bachelor. Yes, because there is no higher calling than having ABC pick you a mate while degrading everything beautiful about the journey. Yes, that is truly God smiling on you. Or maybe he’s just really snickering behind your back.
Emily spends some time with Sean and they talk about how they like each other without really knowing each other. I believe the kids call that “crushing” on someone. He asks about Ricki and how she’d feel about Emily getting married, which apparently turns her on because they spend the rest of the time kissing.
Meanwhile, Doug & Ryan discuss maturity. Doug doesn’t think Chris is mature enough to be a father. Chris still isn’t digging the dig and needs to talk to Emily. He wants to reinforce that he’s ready for everything Emily’s situation brings to him. He doesn’t believe it’s age but it’s experience. OK, he keeps saying it and I would like to know exactly what that life experience is. I also want to know how Doug thinking he’s not mature is putting him in jeopardy of going home. He didn’t say it to Emily. So, I’m thinking maybe Chris needs to chill out. But of course that won’t happen when they’re in a house that’s a cocktail of raging testosterone and liquor. So off Chris & Doug go for a chat. Chris confronts Doug about his ageism. Chris wants to know why Doug thinks he’s a better man. Doug says he never said that (which he didn’t). Chris says he thinks it (Does Chris have a Magic 8-Ball?), to which Doug responds by calling his behavior immature. Well, that’s not going to help anything. And it doesn’t. Chris gets his panties into a bigger wad and says that he doesn’t trust him. He thinks he’s trying to hide something. Doug’s over the top humble and it pisses him off. So Emily can be uber-genuine and humble, and that’s OK? Doug laughs the whole thing off. Ah, when egos collide. Notice that every season, there’s always one guy that everyone thinks is too genuine? What is that about? Have we really come to a place where we have to be tough to be real? Lord, I hope not. But it’s time for the roses, so we’ll have to table that for another time.
Melissa: Love that Kalon is rocking the glasses again. I guess he thinks they worked for him last week so why risk it. I’m kinda liking that jumper of hers with all those great necklaces. Alejandro scores a little time, but I’m still not getting any vibes from the two of them. Sweet Mary, what’s up with Jef rocking the Bermuda shorts and knee socks? What the hell look are you going for there? Little Lord Fauntleroy? Ugh, Ryan is really starting to grate on my nerves, and I am as thankful as Emily is for Arie swooping in. Wait, Ryan is being called to something bigger? Is he becoming a priest? Oh no, even a higher calling… Bachelor Augusta – OF COURSE! OY, another wishy-washy speech from Arie, but I guess that’s how they’ll win her over. It’s hearts, flowers and magical unicorns to save the day. Personally I don’t think Chris is ready to be a spouse or father either, but what I don’t get is how he thinks Doug has the control to send him home? Say what? Is he drunk?
Rachel’s What Happened: We’re getting down to the hard choices so that means it’s time for heart-to-hearts with Chris. Emily says she’s having a hard time sending guys home. Chris asks if she thinks this process will work this time and she says yes, she’s hopeful. She’s still wary of Doug’s perfection. She’s giggly about Arie and unsure of Jef’s feelings for her. Alejandro seems to think he’s ready for fatherhood but she isn’t sure. She also has learned to trust her gut so when a guy thinks he’s pulling one over on her, she knows better. She’s talking about you, Ryan. She’s seeing the manipulations. Good on you, Emily. Now, send Ryan packing. Though, I think Michael & Alejandro are going. I can’t understand how Michael is still there in the first place. Have I said that already?
Melissa: I’m also predicting Michael and Alejandro are gone. OH-HO, is she really seeing through Ryan a bit? NICE, good girl! You’re impressing me a bit, Miss Em. I love the thunder in the background… It’s almost as believable as the laugh track on the Brady Bunch.
Staying: Doug, Jef, John, Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro
Going: Nate, Charlie & Michael
Rachel: Wait, what? Charlie? Why? I’m so confused. Michael gets teary on the way out and it’s the first time we actually see any personality from him. Where were you so long? Charlie is also sad, and that makes me sad. He seems like a good guy. Maybe someone told her about the tears… And next week, the guy that calls Ricki “baggage” gets called out. Dying to know who it is. I think we all think Ryan, but it could be Kalon. Thoughts?
Melissa: Glad to see Emily has a bit more substance to her than I expected, but why she kept Ryan and sent Charlie packing is beyond me. Maybe it was just so Chris could say “Sorry Charlie”. It’s off to London for a jolly good time – cheers and pip-pip to you all.
For those you who watch the out-takes. Emily just scored some points with this Winey Bitch with the running man. Oh, if only she had the right outfit on so we could have seen it!