One Sentence Summary: A celebration of coming out for the Jersey crew.
Rachel: Ah two whole weeks without the Giudices. I was starting to forget the pain, the nausea, the grating voice… Joe’s naked torso. But here we are again. Back to the torture. There’s really only so much more of this I can take and we’re only on Week 6. And if this season is going to last as long as the other Housewife seasons have been lasting, we all had better hunker down and pour ourselves a stiff drink. This is going to be a long and bumpy ride. Although I have to say that I’m waiting for everyone to turn on Teresa. We know it’s coming. We saw the reunion. So, at least we can be confident in the knowledge that crazy eyes is going to get her come-uppance. Whether or not if has any effect on her remains to be seen.
Melissa: Jamie Laurita announces his marriage his significant other Rich, and sadly I can only imagine the vomit that will come out of Joe Giudice’s mouth, and Teresa’s attempt at explanations. I still don’t understand how they scored themselves an invite to a wonderful happy celebration as they seem to drag everything down and make them miserable occasions. Really, can we just get rid of her at this point? Let’s give her her own show so I don’t have to deal with her and can go back to enjoying my Jersey Girls.
Such a Sweet Girl…
Melissa’s What Happened: Ugh, must we start with the Guidice’s?? Come on Bravo, hook a sista up! We start off at Teresa’s with evil little Gia fighting with her sister. Yeah Teresa she’s a nice girl… Like that sweet little Damien Thorn. Teresa tries to get Gia to dish on her conversation with Joe. Gia decides to remain tight lipped about her conversation with Tio Joe but of course Teresa needs something to be focused on her so she’ll drag her kids into it and wonder why they sing horrible songs about family. No wait, that was last year, maybe this year will bring some interpretive dance. Teresa thinks if she shows Gia she doesn’t care about her brother she won’t care about her sisters. OK, maybe you meant that in a different way?
Rachel: And they throw us right back into the pain without any buffer. Thanks, Bravo. Ah, sweet Gia, with her mama’s crazy eyes. That child needs a serious trip to a therapist before a bunny ends up in a boiling pot of water. A bunny or a sibling. And ensuring that happens, Teresa interrogates Gia about her conversation with Joe. Teresa, keep your kid out of the middle of your fights! She doesn’t want to tell you what went down. Ask him yourself. Wait, did she really just say that if you show your kid that you don’t care then they won’t care with their siblings like that’s a good thing? Where was that lesson in the book of parenting?
Melissa’s What Happened: Rosie stops by Kathy’s for some family time and Kathy wishes Rosie could have talked to her before coming out instead of going through her struggles alone. Kathy kind of thought she was gay before. Um, really? Rosie didn’t want to lay such things on the kids when they were younger, but maybe now they are old enough for it? I’m thinking the kids are going to be about as shocked as the rest of us that Rosie’s gay.
Rachel: Couldn’t they have started us out with Rosie? She’s awesome and hilarious. It would have been a much softer, gentler opening this week. OK, I like Kathy but she’s so over the top with her “let’s all be friends, kumbaya” bullshit that it’s starting to feel fake. Though I’m glad for Rosie that Kathy’s her sister, and not Teresa. That would be a nightmare. Um, I have a feeling that Kathy’s kids already know you’re gay, dear. They’re not toddlers. I’m pretty sure they figured it out by now. Just sayin…
Slum Lord Horror
Melissa’s What Happened: Melissa and Joe stop by “Joe’s work”… Did she just say his kahoonas are big? I’m confused, he’s a character on Gidget? Anywho, they stop by Joe’s abandoned building for Melissa to act out a bizarre horror story scene. Joe prides himself on taking buildings like these and turning them into luxury apartments. OK Joe. He tells Melissa he feels horrible about what happened with Gia on Field Day, and says he thinks he should consider therapy. Oh, this should be good!
Rachel: His kahunas? Um, that word would be cajones. Let’s just stick to mangling the English language, shall we? Is Melissa auditioning for us? I guess the next “slash” on her a career chain is actress – housewife/singer/actress. And who wears stilettos to an abandoned building? Oh boy, the Gorga silbings in therapy. I hope that therapist charges double. And has a cocktail or three before they show up.
Community Pool of Crazy
Melissa’s What Happened: Teresa and Kim D head to the community pool to drink. There are so many levels of confusion over heading to the community pool to have lunch that I don’t even know where to start. Teresa is happy that Kim agrees with her all the time… Yeah, no kidding… She wants air time and everyone else sees through you, so of course she’ll be your bestie. Kim of course backs Teresa’s craziness and doesn’t think SHE needs therapy, but Joe does. OK, total off track here, but does anyone else think her boobs job is horrible? I mean those things don’t even look like they belong on a 24 year old let alone a… Well, someone her age. Teresa doesn’t believe in therapy because as Kim thinks no one has their shit together like Teresa. OK, maybe she hit to crack pipe in the pool parking lot too.
Rachel: Yes, it’s good to have a friend that agrees with everything you say. Though I believe they’re called “cling-ons”, or in this case “fame whores”. And dear Lord, Kim D, those boobs are horrible. I can’t hear a word that’s going on in this conversation because I can’t stop looking at her chest… and not in a Rosie way. In an “Ack, put those away” way. But of course, Teresa doesn’t want to go to therapy. She might hear that she did something wrong from a total stranger. Then who will she blame?
Pastels and Pageant Hats
Melissa’s What Happened: Lauren is packing but needs an English hat… Come again? Maybe it’s a shot gun wedding since it’s all happening so quick Lauren quips. Jamie and Rich are getting married with a pastels and hats theme. Lauren loves the opportunity to wear a ridiculous hat like she’s going to the Royal Wedding. Jamie asks Caroline to do a reading since she’s the only sister who will be there. Wait, out of 11 kids she’s the only girl who is going to make it? What’s with family support? Teresa is going as well? Um, I don’t want to look stupid here, but why? For starters, are they even friends, and second she’ll ruin their wedding day… they have to get that right? She assumes everything will be fine with Caroline and she shouldn’t be mad at her right? Teresa tells Jacqueline she got a text from Joe who thinks they should go to a physical therapist… yes folks, that’s what she said, I can’t make this stuff up. She’s not sure about seeing a therapist because she doesn’t need to see one. Teresa is not immature, she’s not insecure, she’s fine and they just need to move forward because she doesn’t have a problem with him. Say what Teresa? Maybe the nice folks at Bravo should send you the dailies just so you don’t look like a complete moron with comments like that one.
Rachel: A gay cowboy wedding! Oh how fabulous! I want to go. Though I’m not down with wearing pastels or hats. I guess I’ll have to watch from my couch. Wait, why is Caroline the only sister showing up to his wedding? Oh, they gave no notice about the wedding. OK, I was about to call Dina out. I’m really hoping that’s the real reason, because if she’s bailing because of her beef with Caroline, she’s getting the big “shame on you” from me. You don’t miss your brother’s wedding out of spite for another sibling. That’s just lame.
OK, I hate that Teresa is invited to this wedding. Why does she have to ruin every event? And what the hell is she wearing? Oh I really don’t even feel like there’s anything left to write about Teresa. It’s the same thing over and over. She’s just living in her own ridiculous world of denial, bad parenting and bad gladiator sandals. I’m out of patience with her.
Coming Out… Sort Of
Melissa’s What Happened: At family night with the Wakile’s Rich shares that Rosie was worried about talking to Rich about her sexuality because he wouldn’t want her around the kids. He thinks it made their relationship stronger. Bravo for you Rich, you just went up a few notches in my book for not supporting her. She shares her experiences about her coming out journey with the kids and doesn’t want it to be hard for them. Clearly they had a pretty good idea because they seem completely unfazed with the exception of tears shed for her struggles. I do really like how this family just supports each other unconditionally.
Rachel: Well, we’re having quite the “very special RHONJ” tonight about gay relatives. The more you know… Oh sweet Rosie. I just don’t know how in this day & age, people still can believe that being gay is a choice. Look at the hardships and pain she’s gone and continues to go through in life. Why would she choose this? This is who she is. I’m so glad she has a supportive family. And notice that neither kid even flinched. It’s a different world for them and it gives me hope. Well, at least on this subject.
Melissa’s What Happened: Jac is busy trying to pack for the wedding while Chris attempts to distract her with wine. He shares how weird it was for him when his brother came out. He didn’t expect it because they used to go pick up girls together and joking tells her he’s been dating Rich. I have to say I’m impressed with how open and supportive everyone is. HA, Matt has been having a tough time with Ashlee (color me stunned) so she won’t be going to the wedding, well that’s at least one less potential for drama on the wedding day, then again that’s just one more opening for Teresa. Guess Matt has had the Ashlee epiphany that she really is a spoiled brat. Dina hasn’t been to a lot of functions because of issues with Caroline. Come on Auntie Dina… The family misses you!!
Rachel: Ah yes, it IS a very special RHONJ. Let’s talk about our feelings about being gay. No, seriously, it’s nice to see this addressed in a positive way. It’s nice to see anything addressed in a positive way on this show. This series is generally a guidebook on how not to behave. What a pleasant surprise! Ashlee is acting out with her father now. So not a surprise! She just needs to be kicked to the curb so she can figure out her shit on her own. Seriously. Enough already. Or send her to Theresa’s and let her be her nanny. One week there will straighten her out quick.
What Not To Wear… EVER
Melissa’s What Happened: Sweet Mary, Joe in a jacket and shorts with no shirt? Why do you do this to me Bravo?? What have I done to you? I watch your shows, I support you, why you make my eyes hurt so much?? Teresa tries to say Joe isn’t anti-gay… He’s just an asshole – oh, no that was just my assumption of what she wanted to say.
Rachel: Oh for the love! Really, do we need to see Joe Giudice’s beer belly again? And seriously, how does Dina not see through Teresa’s BS? Does she live under a rock? Has she gotten some kind of cat scratch fever from that scary hairless cat?
Melissa’s What Happened: At Kathy and Rich’s beach rental Rosie shows up in the Ferrari for Rich to enjoy while he’s there. HA, Rosie tells everyone that the car is a magnet – love you Rosie!! 3 young ladies show up to I’m assume set up for a party and Rich asks Rosie (since she’s out) what she thinks of them and he hears young women today like to experiment. And with that I just got a bit skeeved.
Rachel: The Gorgas and the Walkiles should have a lovely weekend since the Guidices won’t be around. Seriously, the drama train is traveling to Chicago thise weekend and the Jersey Shore is as it should be – full of fist-pumping Pauly D and Snooki wanna-bes. And look, it’s a gaggle of lovely girls for Rosie to look at. Something for everyone at the beach!
Rehearsal and Discomfort
Melissa’s What Happened: The Manzo boys hope the bus will have a stripper pole like their last ride on a party bus. Teresa is worried about Jamie’s dogs because she has sweet blood and always gets bitten. HEY, I just had an epiphany… do you think the rest of the Lauritas aren’t coming to the wedding because they knew Joe and Teresa would be there? I mean, that would give me quite a reason to be a no show. Caroline calls Bullshit on Teresa’s love and happiness on the bus – sadly I think I called BS at the last Reunion Show. Holy Moly that’s a fantastic house!! Everyone gets settled in and Teresa has a panic attack putting on her gloss as a dog comes by. OK, now that’s funny. I would totally drop some food in her pocket just to make the dogs hang out by her all day. Teresa gets confused talking about the theme in the house with is built around the Tree Of Life. Granted Teresa does confuse easily, but good Lord woman, it’s the tree of life… HE isn’t a big tree. Can’t you listen to anything anyone says when it isn’t about you?? Caroline worries that Joe may say something offensive about Jamie and Rich’s sexuality. Um Caroline honey, I’m pretty sure he’ll say something offensive… Period. Of course Joe lives up to everyone’s thoughts and tries to discuss his “gayest moment”. Sweet Mary, SHUT UP! No one wants to hear anything your drunk ass says. Just sit there and don’t continue to make everyone sickeningly uncomfortable. Teresa mashes herself between Greg and Jacqueline to watch the rehearsal and pepper a very nice moment with cackling.
Rachel: How thrilled is Caroline that Teresa is sitting next to her asking 900 questions? Stop sucking up, Teresa. She doesn’t like you no matter how many inane questions you ask about her brother’s dogs. And really, Jacqueline? You feel like you’re in Fairyland? Nice choice of words. You’ve been spending too much time with Joe Guidice. Um, loving this house. OK, now I want to come to the wedding again. I will even wear pastel. Seriously, Joe? Do you have to be such an asshole all the time? Does it ever turn off?
Giudice Free Festivities
Melissa’s What Happened: Melissa and Joe arrive in the monsoon for the party. Rosie is taken aback by Kathy’s guest Heather Robinson who organizes celebrity events – seems Heather is Rosie’s type. Joe tells Rich he followed the therapy advice and said he sent Teresa a text about therapy. Joe thinks she’s saying that she doesn’t need therapy and he does (boy, you do know your sister Joe). He’s willing to swallow his pride to make amends with his sister. Wait, did Joe just change at the car in front of the cameras?? Are you kidding me? What there isn’t a bathroom or spare room to do that in, you couldn’t just get into the truck and do that? Do we really need to see your blurred junk? OK, meanwhile in the hot tub Heather is going all sorts of crazy over Rosie, and hubby is just watching… What for entertainment? I don’t get it.
Rachel: Look, it’s people having drama-free fun! What a concept! Until Joe brings up therapy again. Let it go. She’s saying exactly what you think she’s saying and that is why you just need to walk away from her and her insane family. Teresa stopped being worth your time about a year ago. Lord, that’s a lot of people in that hot tub. Holy human soup. And really Heather? Please get over yourself. If you were rubbing yourself all over another man trying to get a rise out of him, I have a feeling your husband wouldn’t be laughing then. But hey, Rosie is having fun so I’ll give her the moment.
Real Crass-y Joe
Melissa’s What Happened: Back in the bus all th folks head back to Chi-town. While Caroline is so happy for her brother and his relationship with Rich Joe pops open another bottle. Just when you think we’re safe from over the top inappropriate comments Joe drunkenly tells Greg has the loosest butt hole. Are you kidding me? I swear to God, I don’t want to sound evil or wish bad things on anyone, but I almost hope your parents are dead so they don’t have to witness first hand what a crass, ignorant and vile son they have. Please Greg dive across that bus and take his head off. Maybe Caroline will be the one to take his head off.
Rachel: Again, with Joe Guidice and his ignorant commentary. I really wish Greg would have hauled off and hit him. Hard. Knocked him flat. For all of us. No one would have blamed him. Well, except Teresa and nobody cares what she has to say. But Caroline is a ticking time bomb so it seems like we’re just one comment away from that actually happening. And quite frankly, if it came from Caroline, it would be all the sweeter.
Rachel: Well, I enjoyed the positive loving messages about embracing our gay relatives and friends. That was nice to see… Seriously. No snark there. However, it would have been much more enjoyable without the Giudices – as would just about everything else in life. And it looks like we’re about to see how weddings are better without them as well, next week. Oh please let this be the moment Caroline hauls off and hits him. Please please please!
Melissa: I seriously don’t know I’m going to make it through any more of the Giudice nightmare my RHONJ has become. Really Bravo, at this point I beg you to give her a show of her own just to get her off this one so I can enjoy myself again. I honestly think I missed half the show cringing because of this family.