One Sentence Summary: The animals aren’t the only ones bearing their claws in the Costa Rican jungle.
Rachel: Well, I have a feeling that my love affair with the new Tamra might come to an end tonight. She’s been so wonderfully human this season… OK, she’s been so wonderfully human compared to last season that I’ve enjoyed watching her. And while I am so on the same page with her about Alexis and her being phony and shallow, I have a sneaking suspicion her attack in Costa Rica is going to be reminiscent of the Tamra from last year’s reunion. Remember her? The one who had so much Botox she could barely form the words for all the nasty digs coming out of her mouth faster than she could think them up? Yeah, I think she may be back minus the scary ‘Tox levels. I’m happy to say that’s she’s taken the levels down from Severe on the scary scale to a mild Elevated.
Terry & Heather meet Eddie & Tamra for dinner. Tamra fills them in about her conversation with Alexis and Heather agrees that she doesn’t talk about her behind her back. She talks about her to her face. Tamra also tells them that she outed Terry for calling her fake as well. Heather is less agreeable about that statement. She doesn’t like being thrown under the bus… Well, she doesn’t like her very successful husband being thrown under the bus on television. Don’t blame her for that. Seeing as how she has now been thrown into the mix, she suggests that they have an “intervention” with Alexis in Costa Rica in a controlled manner. Yeah, good luck with that. It’s going to blow up in your face. You have to know that. Yes, Alexis is fake and annoying and full of shit… All true. But just ignore her! Who cares? Just roll your eyes and have another cocktail. It’s what I do… But don’t tell anyone.
And speak of the plastic devil, we find Alexis packing her two suitcases for two days in Costa Rica. Well, come on. Shorts and tank tops take up a lot of room. The other girls are going for five days, but she doesn’t have a nanny so she can’t go for that long. She says she’s nervous about going because of Tamra. She doesn’t like being around people that don’t like her. Then, in the next breath, she says she doesn’t care about Tamra not liking her because she likes herself. So then what are you nervous about brainiac?
Heather’s turn to pack. She’s never been away from her baby this long but she trusts Terry. That’s nice. We’ve already spent enough time in her closet. We know it’s hugantic. Let’s move on.
And now Gretchen is packing. Do we really need to watch everyone pack yet
again? I mean we just watched the same thing a few weeks ago when they went camping. They overpack and are ridiculous. We get it. Slade looks up a Costa Rica packing list online, which is stressing Gretchen out because she doesn’t have any of the clothes on the list. Really? You don’t have lightweight cotton clothes? This causes an argument because he keeps reading the list to her. I see therapy has done wonders for their relationship.
Time to head out. Woohoo! Just putting it out there before Vicki does… And you know it’s coming. Heather & Alexis are the first to arrive at the airport and it’s certainly awkward. Meanwhile it’s 4am and they’re at LAX, which means they had to leave their houses at like 3am. What the hell time is their flight? And why do they have to go to Miami to pick up Vicki? She can’t meet them there? I don’t understand these women. I’m going to Paris in October with three other girls. We all live in different places. You know where we’ll meet? PARIS! We’re grown-ups who can manage to fly on an airplane by ourselves. I have a feeling Vicki can too.
The girls arrive, together, in Costa Rica and drive 3 hours to their hotel to find out that there is an airport 15 minutes away. Awesome planning there. Whoever is your travel agent should be fired. It would be helpful if they knew that Costa Rica is a whole country, and therefore, they probably have more than one airport there. Well, at least they got them to the right country. If it were up to Alexis, they’d be in Mexico somewhere.
At the hotel, they are greeted by a beautiful cocktail and dinner reception. Vicki is MIA somewhere probably on the phone with Brooks. The ladies take point with that because she gave them grief for phone calls to their men on past trips. Yeah, yeah, we get it. She flip-flopped. Move on. Boy these girls hold grudges. Up next, a discussion about what to wear in the jungle which brings up Alexis’s fake diamond ring… again. And we’re back to the camping trip. Again, who cares? She wears a fake diamond. That’s her prerogative and lots of women do it. Good lord, I need one of whatever they’re drinking. And by one, I mean one pitcher. Vicki is back and it’s an official RHOC vacation as signaled by her first “Woohoo!” of the trip. She declares it’s a boys-free vacation… Well, now that she is done talking to Brooks. Alexis says that she’s leaving early because she has three kids under 5 at home. Vicki says that Heather has 4 under 7. Alexis says well she doesn’t have a full-time nanny. Heather says neither does she. Alexis says her husband has to work. Heather says… Well, you see where this is going. Alexis has to more come back so she just goes back to her no-carb dinner. I really wish they’d all go to bed. And if I feel that way, imagine how the other guests of the hotel must feel.
At breakfast the next morning, the girls are getting nourishment for their jungle adventure. I hope there’s someone there to educate Vicki about the nature around her since she thinks monkeys can’t jump from tree to tree. Apparently, she’s never seen Tarzan. Is it possible to be dumber than this group of women? Well, Heather excluded. Or louder? I have such a short patience rope with women who scream and carry on non-stop. It’s like a headache cocktail.
Things don’t calm down on the way to zip lining either as Vicki wants to play the alphabet game. Seems “A” is for “anus”. Really, Vicki? I’m pretty sure “A” is for “annoying”. The good news is that, once up on the platform, the anticipation of zip lining has calmed them down somewhat…. Well, that or the alcohol did. It’s Alexis’s turn and she freaks out about her nose. Dude, you didn’t JUST have surgery. And you’re zip lining 100 yards not climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Let it go! BTW, I so need to go zip lining. It’s at the top of my bucket list.
But I digress, I think Vicki might be having some kind of breakdown because she won’t stop singing Ring Around The Rosie, playing the alphabet game and laughing hysterically about her daughter getting married. I’m so confused by what’s going on. It’s a lot of noise that somehow has turned into an argument between Tamra & Vicki about the use of the word penis and it’s place in conversation. Apparently, Vicki can say “anus” during the alphabet game but Tamra can’t say “penis” during regular conversation. I’m gonna have to go with Tamra on this one being a Vicki hypocrisy. But more than anything, I just wish these ladies would zip it on the zip lines!
After not falling to their deaths on the zip lines, the women get ready for dinner and the groundwork for the “intervention” is being laid. Gretchen is with Alexis who wants to talk to Heather about what her husband said about her. She wants her to own up to it so they can move past the tension between them. Heather is with Tamra discussing Alexis and her desperate need for attention. Anyone else hear the war drums starting?
At dinner, the conversation starts with Tamra and her spat with Vicki. A nice diversion from the tension at the table. When Vicki finally shows up, she wants to sing some more. Tamra wants to know what’s going on with Vickie and Vicki wants to know what’s going on with Tamra. Vicki says she’s just happy. But before Tamra can recommend some meds to her, we’re quickly redirected to Terry’s comment about Alexis being a phony. Someone asks if all the boys are going out tomorrow and if Jim’s going. Alexis says she doesn’t know if he knows about it. She’s called out when they say that Slade called him before the girls even left. Why do you even bother lying about something that stupid, Alexis? I love that there are people dumb enough in this world to lie right to people’s faces when everyone around them knows it’s a lie. And then stick to it! But Alexis isn’t going to get away with it with these women and she finally admits that he wouldn’t go to dinner with Terry after he called his wife a phony. And there it is. The big white elephant is on the table. Not just in the room, but on the table. Heather wants to address it, but Alexis would prefer it be not at the table. Heather says Alexis brought it up and that she’s sorry she had to hear it from Tamra. And Tamra even apologizes for saying it. OK, good first steps. Alexis says Terry doesn’t know her so he has no right to comment on her. They remind her that, while he might not know her well, he does know the woman that flew off the handle on him about her nose job at the Bunko party. Alexis admits she flew off the handle but doesn’t apologize. Nope, she doesn’t have to. She’s human and that’s her excuse. Jesus would want you apologize, Alexis. He really would. Heather doesn’t press the subject. She would just prefer to take Terry off the table, because the truth is, he was just parroting what other people were saying.
And here we go…. It’s on. Heather & Tamra say that Alexis does come across as materialistic. Heather says that she’s a pretty girl, but she doesn’t need to tell everyone that she’s a pretty girl. She also saw Alexis & Jim at Nordstroms before she knew them personally and witnessed Jim talking loudly to their kids about how they were buying the most expensive sneakers in the store and that put a bad taste in her mouth. Alexis says she never heard him say that and Heather probably didn’t really hear what she says she heard.
Now, Gretchen jumps in and says she wants to explain it to her a little bit. You know since Alexis isn’t smart enough to understand what the ladies are saying. Oh boy, this is going to go over like a fart in church. Gretchen explains that she does do things, at times, that come across as pretentious. She tells her how when she says things like “Oh the Bentley was so 2 months ago” and “Well, we do have an 8-car garage” that, while Gretchen knows where her heart is, someone like Heather or Tamra will hear that as pretentious. OK, putting this on pause for a second because I need to comment. Look, I know it’s got to be hard to be the one at the table getting lectured by everyone about a character flaw. No doubt about that. BUT if Alexis has half a brain (which she doesn’t), she’ll hear this for what it’s worth, say she’s sorry and learn from it (which she won’t). That way she can salvage the friendships and be around these women. OK now, I’m going to hit play and watch her lose her shit… Look, I saw the preview and I’m pretty sure she’s not smart enough to figure out how to handle this. Oh, we’re still calm… Maybe…
And then Vicki says that she isn’t saying anything because she wasn’t there, BUT sometimes she feels like Alexis looks at her like she’s beneath her which Vicki finds funny because she probably has more money than Alexis. ZING! LOL… Nice one, Vicki. But she’s a financial planner so she’d rather have a secure retirement than a Bentley. Oh, another back-handed zing. Love it! But Alexis is not loving it as much as me and goes off on a raging tangent about her husband being a good investor and his cars are really an investment because he got a great deal on them & they’ll make money from selling them. Yeah, that’s so not true. But she’s on a roll now about judging people and Louis Vuitton handbags and people taking hard looks in the mirror. Tamra says just be a true person because no one cares about her rings or cars. Alexis says stop being so mean & hateful. And just as we’re getting this party started, it’s over and we’ll have to wait til next week for the rest.
Bottom Line: I really don’t know why these girls bother with Alexis. If she didn’t have her plastic surgery and her cars and her “things” what on earth would she talk about? It’s who she is, ladies. Remember, still waters don’t run deep and you can’t make them run deep even if you try. She’s a Barbie Doll and you either play with her in the Barbie Dream House or you find someone else’s Corvette to ride in. Got it? Doubtful. But we’ll get back to this next week.