One Sentence Summary: Dolly Parton makes an appearance, and shockingly, isn’t the biggest boob this week thanks to some truly stupid comments from the men.
Rachel: Well kiddies, this here Winey Bitch turned another year older this weekend, but not another year wiser as I celebrated like I was turning 21 again. So, I will be playing the Bachelorette Drinking Game with some Tazo Calm tea tonight. That’s right. The hangover gods have unleashed their wrath on me and I’m lucky I’m even forming sentences at this point. Here’s hoping Miss Emily takes it easy on me tonight and I don’t have to feel the room go spinning on me again. Though you know you’re getting old when you come home from a night of partying and empty the dishwasher. Yep, that’s ma vida loca.
Melissa: Yeah, Kalon made the cut last week just to add an element of annoyance (OK, additional element). However, it did help us add to our drinking game! WOOHOO, thank you for that submission! Unfortunately I’ve spent the day poolside pounding Twisted Teas… Lord help me with tonight’s episode. I may have to switch to plain tea to keep up. Anywho, this week Emily brings in her ladies to make sure the boys are on the up and up. Now, I’ve been saying all along they need a few inside folks to get the real dirt. FINALLY!!
Rachel’s What Happened: Welcome back to Princess Emily and her minions. Mommy is making her breakfast in bed since Emily is so tired from all her dating. You’ve been on 3 dates. You could do more damage in an afternoon just by signing up for Match.com. I’m thinking you’ll survive. But we can’t start the show without an appearance from Ricki so that we all know she’s safe & happy. Though this week, we only get a glimpse since it seems she’s also tired of playing for the cameras.
Melissa: Wait, Emily gets breakfast in bed from her mom? How do I get adopted into that family?? Yes, poor thing is so tired from her late night date nights. We feel for you Emily… Sha right.
Rachel’s What Happened: Chris is back to congratulate the guys for being part of the final 16. What an accomplishment! This week we have two individual dates and one group date. And we hear the rules again since, you know, they haven’t changed in 22 seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Chris gets the first one-on-one date tonight and the other 15 guys start the panic sweat.
Chris and Emily head out on their date and she is telling him how cute he is again. Has someone checked her for cataracts? He has no upper lip! Anyway, they’re going to have dinner with the best view in town – from the roof of a building. However, there are no elevators to the top. They’re going to have to work their way to the top. Metaphor anyone? It’s time to rappel for their grub. Wait, do you rappel up as well as down? Well, you do tonight. And you gotta love that they figured out how to getting some outdoorsy rappelling happening in a major metropolitan area. Oh wait, I forgot. Charlotte is a quaint Southern town where our sweet little princess lives with all her friends and bluebirds land on her shoulders. And up they go. Emily is hoping to find her adventurous side, but it seems more like she’s finding her whiny side. Not that I wouldn’t be scared as shit too when the lightening starts… Of course they make it and Emily is feeling great because Chris was so supportive of her. Ah yes, the love lessons that the Bachelorette teaches us.
Melissa: Chris is super excited for his date with Emily. I still don’t get how 100% invested these boys are like 2 hours into the whole process – OK fine, a week into it. In true Bachelor fashion, we have our “death defying” proving ground for dates. As the Bachelorette, can’t Emily just veto these activities? Hey Chris what’s up with not going in for a kiss when you get to the top? Are you kidding? There’s something odd about Chris to me. Not sure what it is, but there’s something.
Rachel: He has no upper lip.
Rachel’s What Happened: At dinner, Emily and Chris are getting their flirt on. She’s definitely warm for his form. She is impressed by him and says if she saw him at a bar, she’d be too nervous to speak to him. OK, either this girl’s mirror is broken or she is really good at this false modesty game. Or maybe she is just working the “tell me how hot I am and how much you like me” angle… Yeah, that’s it. Now I’m wise to her game. Chris tells Emily about his last (and only) girlfriend and that he’s 25. Suddenly, hot Chris looks a lot like baby Chris. Emily seems to have missed the memo that her date is still a puppy. He says he knows he’s young, but he also knows he’s a man. He’s ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood. At least, that’s the line he’s towing. She’s digging him so she’s willing to buy it… For now. At least, long enough to take him to a country concert and do a little dancing. And at the end, Chris manages to score the first official kiss of the season. Oh look, all of Emily’s friends (aka – the residents of Charlotte) get to join them on the dance floor. Wait, are the lyrics to this song really “You’re lookin’ so good in what’s left of those blue jeans. Drip of honey on the money maker gotta bee”? Really?
Melissa: HA, he’s typically not the guy to make the move… No kidding! You just missed your chance at a kiss. Ruh-roh… the “age” red flag for Emily. No worries, he’s ready and he gets his rose. I would LOVE to be on this show. I would have them dancing like little puppets for my dates. “Tonight I want John Legend to serenade me as I have dinner in New Orleans. Then I want to have dessert in Chicago with Amos Lee. Finally, as I drop off my date back at the house, I want fireworks.” I wonder how much these people get paid to perform on the show? FINALLY, the girl gets a lip smack. You know she’s been waiting since the top of the building.
Dating As A Committee By Committee
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the manse, Tony gives his son a call. It bums him out to talk to his son because he’s missing him. But he bucks himself up with the thought that he might be meeting his son’s future mama. Of course, he’ll have to get a date card to make that happen. And what coincidentally arrives at the house at that moment? A date card! Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Travis & Tony are going on a group date! That leaves Kalon, Kyle and Arie behind. I wonder who’s getting the next one-on-one…
Emily meets the boys at the park with a football in hand which Ryan takes as a personal love note to him. Sean, on the other hand, is Bashful Smurf and laments to Doug that he doesn’t know how to approach women. But before he can muster his courage, Emily disappears over the hill and meets up with her girlfriends. She tells them that they’re going to be interviewing the guys on her date today. I’m pretty sure the guys would rather have their toenails pulled out one by one than be interrogated by Emily’s girlfriends, but they’ll all fake smile and play along. And while I’d like to rip this idea to shreds, it’s pretty friggin smart. I wish I could put my potential boyfriends up to a panel of my girls. Would save me a lot of time… Like a lot a lot. And my girls don’t play the Southern charm card either. First up, Tony. He is asked what they have in common. And he gets to drop his card on them – the son. Point for Tony. Next Jef is asked if he’s ever dated a woman with a child. He says yes and tells them about the woman with two children. They give him some advice which is to actually let Emily know he’s into her. Too bad they didn’t give him advice about the hair. Doug, check. Ryan, check. Charlie, check. Then Travis and his egg, Shelly, show up. The girls aren’t as charmed by it as he had hoped. No one is Travis. It’s just weird. Mark (Wolf) says his worst quality is… Well, he doesn’t get to answer because the girlfriends assume it’s cheating. He says he’s never cheated and is summarily dismissed. Not sure he passed that one. Stevie does the robot for them. He & his soul patch need to go home already. Finally, Sean gets to give some info about himself. He talks about his faith and how his father taught him to be a man. The girls swoon. Wendy even gets him to do some shirtless push-ups… Drink twice for this nonsense, kiddies.
As if that weren’t enough, a clown car of kids is let loose on the guys. The boys are sent off to play in the park with them and put their money where their mouths are about loving children. Ryan quickly has his fill of the kids and interrupts girl talk for some alone time with Emily. His alone time crashes and burns when he says it’s not ok if she goes downhill (looks-wise, I’m assuming) after marriage. Um, dude, you never say that to a woman and you never ever EVER say that to a woman in front of her friends. Emily says she’d still love him if he were fat. He says he would love her fat, he just might not love ON her as much. And Ryan has hit the skids and tumbled to the bottom of my list. Enjoy that limp back to the kids after you just shot yourself in the foot. Arrogant ass. The girls like Sean & Doug most. I’m definitely a Doug fan so that makes me happy.
Melissa: Poor Tony. I can’t imagine how hard it is to leave your child to be on a show like this. At least we know this is setting the stage for a breakdown at some point tonight. Is it evil of me to want a little something exciting in the way of man tears?
Yeah, it’s all fun and games, boys, until you meet the firing squad that awaits beyond the ridge. I love these girls plotting their approaches for the men… BRILLIANT move producers. Doug, is still up on the points with me. And what an awesome reaction to Travis & the crazy egg! I can’t believe the egg man is still here. I think Sean is seriously scoring points with Wendy, and I love her taking advantage of her position. As would I, if the Winey Bitch ever goes on this show… How awesome would that be??
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for cocktails and jockeying for Emily’s attention. Emily spends some time with Sean since he made a great first impression with the girls. He says he’s very selective about who he dates because he won’t settle for less than the best. I’m really not getting the attractiveness of Sean. He seems super naive to me and I don’t find him to be as hot as the ladies seem to have found him. I’m not mad at the abs, but he loses me after that. Next up, the other favorite, Doug. Emily wants to get to know more about Doug than just the dad part. Doug tells her that his mom left him & his sister when they were young. Their father, who had epilepsy, became a single dad and was raising them on his own. Sadly, he suddenly passed away from his disease because he didn’t want to spend their grocery money on a doctor. Oh my God, my heart is so broken for him right now. He feels badly telling her his sad story, but Emily is impressed with how he hasn’t let it make him bitter. OK, if she doesn’t marry him, can she send him my way? I think Doug could get down with the cougar love. Don’t you?
Meanwhile, Tony is feeling emotional after being with the kids today. He’s trying to be strong but it’s tough. When he see Emily, he tells her that he needed the time with some kids. He gets a little teary talking about his son. Emily tries to reassure him that it’s harder on him than his son and it is good to focus on yourself once in a while. He steps outside with Doug and says that he’s thought about going home. Doug says if his son is in a good place then he should focus on being here and remember that 9 weeks to a 5-year-old is a blip on the radar. So, instead of sucking it up and pushing through, he calls his son and makes the pain worse. OK, I don’t have kids, so I’m totally talking out of turn, but if he wants to stay, he’s going to have to suck it up & stop the self-torture. Emily finds Tony in the alley crying & tries to console him. She feels badly and she doesn’t want to keep him there if she’s not feeling it 110%. So, off Tony goes into the sunset. Yeah, guess he might have wanted to suck it up a little faster. Damn, this girl is picking them off like flies. I like it. She tells the guys that she sent Tony home and they all respect and understand the decision (and are internally stoked that another guy bit the dust). Jef isn’t shy about saying it out loud… to the camera… when Emily’s not around. Emily gives the date rose to Sean for backing up who he is. Um, with what? Words? And once again, the Latinos get no air time. WTF?
Melissa: I like the interaction with Sean and Emily. And way to go saying her friends are awesome. Let’s hope Doug can pull out of the “Dad” image and show more of himself to Emily. Yeah, I think he nailed it with the Dad story and being split from his sister in Foster Care. You make me adore you more and more each week, Doug. Tony begins his breakdown talking about spending time with the kids and how it makes him miss his son even more. I really do feel for him and how hard it seems to be on him. I’ve said it before, I don’t know how they can do it. Aw, I love Doug as the calming voice of reason. I think Doug needs to be the next Bachelor!! We should totally start that petition. I respect Emily letting Tony go, and I think he needed her to tell him to go. Poor guy was just beyond tortured being away from home. Sean gets the date rose… I knew him taking his shirt off would have sealed it for him with Wendy.
Dreams of Dollywood
Rachel’s What Happened: And the final date card has arrived. The lucky winner is Arie. He’s excited to see Emily and take this up a notch. Oh, I have a feeling there’s going to be some serious upping of the notches here. Chris says he has a hard time believing Emily will have the same chemistry with Arie, or any other guy for that matter, that he has with her. Um, have you actually looked at Arie? And you did hear that he is a race car driver… and the son of a very famous race car driver, right? And he has an upper lip? Just checking.
Anywho, Emily and Arie jet off to Tennessee to Dollywood. They grab a lemonade, play games in hopes of winning a toy for Ricki and ride the roller coaster while Emily has a mini meltdown. Next they go to the theater to write a love song, but are quickly interrupted by one Miss Dolly Parton. I seriously love me some Dolly and Emily clearly does too by her awesome reaction. She has been a fan since she was little and this is the best surprise she could imagine. And for a few minutes, Emily wants to give the date rose to Dolly. Dolly sings while she & Arie dance. Well, Emily mostly stares at Dolly who tells her that she wrote that song for the two of them. Emily gets some girl-talk time with Dolly who says that she knows love can last. She’s been married for almost 46 years and tells Emily to keep the faith. Then it’s one more song from Dolly and a slow dance with Arie. He gets major points when he kisses her forehead during the dance. OK, this is a pretty fantastic date.
Melissa: I am loving those boots of hers! No, she did not just take him to Dollywood!! That’s awesome. Well played Arie to win something for Ricki Bobby. You know that scores the points with Emily. Again with the “meet your fears” approach to dates on the roller coaster? How cute is Emily when she sees Dolly? WOW, I didn’t know Dolly has been married for 45 years. You go, girl! OMG, I totally want her to marry Arie so Dolly can sing this for their first dance! Oh crap, I think that was all the Twisted Tea catching up to me… Sorry.
Rachel’s What Happened: Once the Dolly haze wears off, it’s time for dinner and Emily wants to know about his ex-girlfriend with the two kids. He admits that it was tough breaking up with his ex because he became so attached to her kids. He said that he wanted to have more kids and she said she didn’t want them. One would think that would have come up before you both moved in together. But that being said, the whole thing blew up, and apparently, she didn’t like racing either. Um, and she was dating him why? He says a lot of guys will say they’re ready but they don’t really know the reality of it. He knows he’s ready because he lived it. He knows what it takes. I like this guy for her. OK, he & Doug are my boys. He wonders if she can handle his busy schedule. She says she embraces that because she likes her alone time. All the right answers happening here and she grabs the rose. But instead of just handing it over, she makes him think she’s sending him home. Ha, OK, I’ll give her a tip of the hat on that one. Ah, good times, y’all. Good times. Will there be another kiss on the show tonight? That would be a big fat yes. Chris who?
Side bar: Is Emily only allowed to wear Daisy Dukes and stripes? I know stripes are in (and I’ve personally enjoyed the trend), but come on, give the girl some options. And while we’re on the subject, she is so much cuter with less make-up. She looks a solid ten years younger… which would be her actual age.
Melissa: I like Arie and Emily too. I like how they quietly interact and I am starting to like him overall a bit more. He’s no Doug now, but he’s moving up. Wait, does anyone else feel like making out on a merry-go-round seems a little dirty?
Cocktails & Cocksure Comments
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the requisite viewing of Emily & Ricki getting ready for the cocktail party. Another Stars on Ice costume that is doing no favors for her boobs for Emily as she heads off to see the mens. Emily tells them that she feels like she’s really taken a step forward this week getting to know the guys and feels a few crushes developing. That being said, she asks Kalon for one-on-one time and it looks like the men are going to have to sit back and wait for their fate tonight. Kalon says he took it personally when he didn’t get a date this week. Chip on the shoulder much? He hasn’t had to share much in his life and he’s not enjoying sharing her. Girl, dump him now and dodge the bullet. You don’t want to date that ego. He says her sending Tony home showed her to be a lady of class. She asks him about his feelings about kids. He says he didn’t dream that his first child wouldn’t be his own. She interrupts him to ask about his mom having been a single mom and how it would feel if someone said that to her. Kalon says that while he loves hearing her talk, he wishes she’d let him finish. The fact that she didn’t get up and walk away at that moment proves she is truly a lady of class and a helluva lot kinder than I would have been in that situation. What a dick. He continues by saying that his mother taught him that he has to let go of control. That parenthood forces you to let go of control. Too bad she didn’t teach him about respect. In her personal interview, Emily compliments his mother’s raising of him, but didn’t like his comment. She likes tall, skinny & cute. She doesn’t like tall, skinny & condescending. Amen, sister. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Send him home!
Travis pulls Emily aside and tells her it’s time to get rid of the egg. Er, I mean Shelly. I think this is long overdue. Emily throws Shelly to the ground and I think she was visualizing Kalon when she did it. Finally, we get time with one of the Latin Lovers! She is talking to Alessandro and asks how he’d be with kids. He says he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids. She asks why she would trust him then. He says she’d have to teach him and he’s obviously open to it if he’s willing to compromise and be there. Um, compromise? Bad word choice, dude. Let’s hope it’s a language barrier. She says, maybe you meant “honor”? He says no, he meant compromise. He would have to tell his job that he couldn’t travel, or move because he had a wife & kid and that would be a compromise. Oh boy, so much for that language barrier. There are some really stupid boys in the house this week. Lots of shoe leather in the mouth. This can’t possibly bode well for Alessandro. Dammit, I wait all this time for some Latin Lover and this is what I get? Disappointed. But not as disappointed as Emily who immediately escorts him out of the house. Apparently, this is after he told her friends he’s cheated as well. Smooth character this guy. He says on his way to the airport that he couldn’t give Emily & Ricki what they want anyhow since he lives like a gypsy with all the freedom he’s ever wanted. So what exactly were you doing on the show? If you think you’re doing her a favor by compromising yourself, you’re sorely mistaken. But being that you’re on your way back to Minnesota alone, you probably already figured that one out.
Emily is understandably pissed and Arie brings her a cocktail and a hug. Smart guy. Hot and smart guy. I want one! The guy. Not the cocktail… though I probably wouldn’t turn down the cocktail either. Ryan is shocked to find that Arie & Emily are kissing in the house. Guess you aren’t king of the mountain after all. Good Ol’ Boy Sean gets her alone and says he’s been missing her. He said if this were real life, he would have texted her already and wanted to see her. But he wants to talk to her about his readiness to be a great dad thanks to the lessons his father has taught him. He says Ricki would be his child as far as he’s concerned. Perfect time to say that, Sean. Well played. And he gets some lip out of the deal. Oh boy, Ryan’s rectangle head is going to explode if he finds out.
Melissa: Kalon goes for the “smart guy” look in hopes of wooing our fair Emily. Oh snap, he did not just tell her to hush up so he could talk. That was very stupid, my dear. Shelly is gone and I didn’t even know that the egg had a name! We’ll miss you… Enjoy afterlife with Humpty Dumpty. OK Alessandro, clearly you need to think through your words, or maybe it really is the language barrier. Compromise is NEVER a good word to use when you’re speaking of a child – that will earn you a ticket home… which it just did. Buh-bye, Gypsy King. Oh, a little sneaky smooch from Arie to console her after her trying night. Nice. Oh Sean, you’re moving up too, winning me with your sweetness.
Rachel’s What Happened: Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Two guys have already been sent packing so only one guy is going to be the odd man out at tonight’s ceremony.
Staying: Chris, Arie, Sean, Jef, Charlie, Doug, Michael, Travis, Alejandro, Ryan, John, Kalon & Nate.
Going: Tony, Alessandro and Break-dancing Stevie
But before we say good-bye, Ryan is still fuming about Arie & Emily kissing. Apparently, he’s not going to sit back and let another man move in on his territory. He’s a competitor and Arie is his unwitting enemy. Did he just call Arie “dainty”? That’s dainty to you? Ok, ‘Roid Rager, time to simmer down. You are just finding new levels of bottom tonight.
Rachel: Well, some of the crew is certainly getting motley. Ryan certainly fell from grace fast this week. And we all knew Kalon was a douche bag but I thought he’d manage to play it cooler than that with Emily a little bit longer. But in the end, Stevie and his soul patch got sent packing. I’m surprised he actually stuck around this long. I still think it’s Arie’s to lose, but I’m also pulling for Doug. And Charlie.
Melissa: Color me wringing my hands with delight. Man, we saw some seriously bad sides to some of these boys this week! Sadly, Kalon makes it through another week, BUT since we added him to the drinking game, I guess we need to keep him here another week to ensure we’re all completely drunk by the end of the show.