One Sentence Summary: Field Day turns into a Field of tantrums – and this time it isn’t Teresa, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Melissa: OK, I have to completely take the hit on this one. It took a little too long to detox from a weekend with the Winey Bitch. No joke, I could have wrung out my liver and served shots to the second floor of my (day job) office. That being said, I have no idea what to expect this week other than Joe working out and Teresa shrieking at everyone trying to distract them from noticing how miserable she is.
Rachel: Yay, more Teresa fighting and drama! And by “yay” I mean “Make it stop!” I seriously think she might be worse than Danielle. Yes, I said it. She is just horrible. And when I read this week that if Joe goes to jail… oh so sorry, I mean goes “away” that she’s going to get her own show about being a single mother, she just hit an all-time low on the respect meter. How about you not expose your kids any more than they already have been and focus on them? I really want to throttle her. I seriously can’t find one redeeming quality about her at this point. Not one… None. So basically what I’m saying is Teresa sucks… you know, in case I haven’t been clear
Teresa and Joe
Melissa’s What Happened: Wait, did hell freeze over that we’re kicking off a Giudice scene and Joe is NOT working out?? Maybe the Mayans are right and this is just the beginning of the end of the world! If that’s the case, and this is the first sign of the Apocalypse, I’m buying those gold Pigalle Louboutins. I’ll pop those babies on first thing December 12th. Sorry, I digress, Teresa tells Joe about the conversation with her brother… What a reaction. Come on Joe… it’s not like you caught them in bed together – or did you?? Joe wants no parts of Teresa’s brother, he thinks they are jealous, no good idiots, and when he says something she better listen and shut up. OK, it’s about there where I’d be pulling the car over and telling him to get his ass out and don’t you disrespect a woman like that, let alone your wife. Then I’d make sure the cameras were still rolling when I told him he had a tiny penis. Sorry, I have ZERO patience for men who are disrespectful to women. Guess what, they brought you into this world… show some respect. Nice threat to leave her too Joe… Don’t worry, that’s just one more book deal she can chase after.
Rachel: Ah, Joe Giudice, always the shoulder to lean on for his wife. She says she was crying. He calls her a bleeping idiot. And they say chivalry is dead. Wait… Wait a goddamn minute. Did that bitch just say that her husband is a Gemini and this is typical Gemini behavior? Oh, that’s it. It’s on. Let me tell you from this Gemini right here, your husband’s behavior is typical of a douche bag and a moron that just happens to be a Gemini. The man just told you to shut up. That’s a douche bag. The fact that you didn’t pull over and kick his ass to the curb, literally, makes you just as much as a moron as he is. He may be the worst person in the world. And then she defends that behavior. They really deserve each other.
Melissa’s What Happened: Finally a workout!! Joe and Rich share some sweat time and talk about family. Joe feels guilty telling Kathy or other family he loves them when he can’t say it to his own sister. Well Joe, we all kinda get it… She’s atrocious, what’s to love? Joe still feels guilty for calling Teresa a F-ing Bitch – well Joe, again we Winey Bitches call it like we see it, and apparently so do you. Nothing to feel guilty about.
Rachel: And speaking of morons, how is Kathy still defending Teresa? Everyone around her knows what an asshole she is but not Kathy
Time with Albert
Melissa’s What Happened: At the golf range Lauren and Albert talk about her diet frustrations and why she has to struggle with her weight when no one else does. Christopher thinks (via confessional) they both have to come to terms with the fact that Albie is just insanely good looking. Um, I’ll give him attractive, but we’ll just stop there. Albert is happy her taking after him proves she’s his daughter and jokes he doesn’t know where the other two came from. I do have to appreciate how this family really does support each other and still tries to provide encouragement in any situation. Like how for her junior prom no one asked Lauren to go, so Albie took her. It’s sweet yet a little creepy at the same time.
Rachel: Lauren is still complaining about her weight. This is getting old. I get the struggle. I really do. But the whole “it’s not fair that it’s hard for me and not my brothers” shtick has to end. Now. Sweetheart, life ain’t fair. So you can keep bitching about it or you can do something about it. Your choice. And this effed up diet, is such a disaster waiting to happen. There’s going to be such a crash & burn when she hits the wall with shakes and egg whites every day. Take her to a real nutritionist PLEASE
Melissa’s What Happened: Aw damn, there’s sweaty mess Joe working out… F (guess my shoes will have to wait). Teresa calls Jacqueline to say she missed her at the party, and Jacqueline’s excuse is that she was worried about being poolside if there was fighting. Theresa’s response “Why would there be fighting” cracks me up. Um, there WAS a fight Teresa, it didn’t escalate because your brother walked away from you. She didn’t think it was the right time to get into anything… Sure Teresa. Jacqueline questions if Joe reached out to her since the incident, and since Teresa tells her no, Jacqueline worries Field Day at her house and might be weird. Um, yes it will be but not as bad since it will only be Teresa and Gia.
Rachel: AGAIN with Joe working out. Enough. It’s no longer amusing. I know those editors are sitting somewhere cracking up that they’re springing this on us every week, but we’re not laughing out here. We’re crying in anguish and turning to our goblets of red wine to ease us through… Well, that part’s not bad. That part is actually rather fun. Hmm… Ok let me think this one over. Continue. And really Teresa? Do you watch these shows back? You don’t like your kids to see you fight and hear your drama, while you make the phone call on speakerphone talking about your drama? BTW, that bathroom of hers is hideous.
Melissa’s What Happened: Jacqueline takes Lauren out shopping for cute athletic clothing for the Field Day. Lauren shares her insecurities about her weight and desire to be a lollipop. OK, I’m going to have to draw the line here, lollipop girls ARE NOT HEALTHY!! Nor is this self-inflicted abuse of a diet you are attempting. Go pick up a copy of the South Beach Diet. It it was written by an actual doctor (a cardiologist, not a dermatologist) and doesn’t require you to starve yourself on a daily basis.
Rachel: Dr. Perricone told Lauren that working out for more than 45 minutes is not good for you. Say what? How on earth is this guy giving this girl health advice? I know I’m prattling on about it, but seriously, I can’t be the only whose mind is blown by this whole situation. Can I?
A family who mocks together…
Melissa’s What Happened: Teresa and her little terrors dance about as she tries to ask Gia about her dance recital (um, shouldn’t she have been there?). Gia tells Teresa she wants to go bra shopping. Teresa isn’t ready for it, so I’m sure in true Teresa fashion she’ll just ignore it, especially since her mother never talked to her about such things. Well Teresa, you were built like a 7 year old girl until you got your implants, there wasn’t really a need for your mom to talk to you about your ta-tas. Fortunately Gia has read a few books and has her own plans. Joe doesn’t think she needs a bra. Bravo Gia, yes, Daddy DOES need a bra.
Rachel: Oh these children… That’s all I have to say. And please tell me Teresa did not just compare a tampon to a penis. Well, then again, there’s probably not much difference in size between that and her husband. Just sayin…
Please pass the alcohol
Melissa’s What Happened: It’s time for the party and Christopher raises a very good question… Do you really want to have a Field Day with Teresa and Melissa and be sober? Amen Christopher. Jacqueline thinks Field Day will bring Teresa and Joe back to their youth and they will get along. Unfortunately, jokes start about salmon milkshakes for Lauren and that’s just setting the stage for some repressed anger to explode like a brick of C4.
Dress the Ta-Tas
Melissa’s What Happened: Finally Gia gets her chance to go bra shopping at WOB Lingerie. Ah, I remember that day… Completely embarrassed by the thought of having boobs let alone having to tell someone else about them. I can’t believe this is all taking place with a camera crew. I love the shop lady trying to break the ice with the crazy HHH bra – or maybe she’s just trying to distract poor Gia from her mother laughing at her. Always one to play for the camera Teresa tells Gia she can always talk to her… As Gia rolls her eyes.
Rachel: Does a 10-year-old need to have her first bra shopping experience filmed for TV? And when did they stop calling them training bras? Though I don’t know what exactly we were training for? Sadly, I think I could still fit into mine.
Melissa’s What Happened: Driving to the party Joe tells Melissa he sent Teresa a text after their fight at Kathy’s. Hmm, didn’t she just tell Jacqueline he didn’t reach out to her? Melissa is looking forward to the party even if she’s about to have her labia fall out of those shorts. Jacqueline over hears Melissa telling Greg about the text and now begins to wonder what is real or fake with Teresa. Can I just say I’m so distracted by all this party food. I seriously would love to hang with these folks just to eat. Teresa arrives and Jacqueline rushes out for a walk – don’t blame you dear. She takes the story to Chris who says it’s none of his business, but knows his wife is too naive for her own sake (ya think??). Christopher shares his take on Kathy as she arrives: “she’s made of porcelain, rainbows and a child’s laughter” – HA. Joe greets Gia and tries to apologize to her about what happened at the party, and she tells him he upsets her mother and he needs to try harder. Yeah, and Mommy needs to step up a bit too sweetie.
Time to Throw Down
Melissa’s What Happened: As the teams suit up Caroline questions what they are thinking putting Joe and Melissa on the same team as Teresa. Quite frankly I don’t get it either! Tug of War goes to the blue team. Sack races go to the blue team but Gia protests the cheating from Joe and Teresa. The three legged race is punctuated by Gia’s rants of cheating against the blue team. OK Gia it’s just a Field Day party and not the Olympics, calm down. Naturally Gia storms off screaming of how wronged they all are because of the cheating. Oh snap, did Gia just tell Jacqueline to go outside? DAY-UM, that’s ballsy miss Gia, you’re in her home, she’s your hostess you need to show some respect… Wonder where she gets that from? I agree with Caroline; children learn what they live. Jacqueline sees the opportunity to read the “bad sport” story to Gia who storms off because it’s literally describing her every action. You know what people, you’re all a bunch of enablers. Yes Lauren, that’s right… You lay it all out girl, it is a better idea just to have a Laurita / Manzo Family Day and not include the crazies. Caroline hits the nail on the head that Teresa showed Gia she can behave like a little monster, and as long as you cry and say you’re upset, it’s everyone else’s fault – nice parenting. She’ll go far in life with that perspective. Teresa always the one to completely insult people agrees with Gia that she’d rather be down the shore but is there instead. Sweet Mary, you are disgraceful.
Rachel: So we start the games with Teresa being busted in a lie. Jacqueline is unhappy that she was lied to but what are the odds that she calls Teresa out? OK ladies out there, anyone else do a silent cheer when the close-up of Melissa’s legs showed cellulite? I know I did. Yes, it’s shallow. But it’s also real. Looks like Gia is learning sportsmanship from her father. Finally, Lauren and I agree on something. Life is much more enjoyable without drama. Seriously, if certain parties can’t make it through a single gathering without causing a scene, they should get their invitation privileges revoked. Permanently. Am I seeing this correctly? Jacqueline is apologizing to a 10 year old who was a brat and disrespectful to her and then rewarding her as the “Top Cheese” of the day? Suddenly Ashlee’s behavior makes SO much more sense.
Rachel: Can someone please give the Manzos their own show?
Melissa: Really people… I’m about to head down to Franklin Lakes and have words with that whole clan otherwise I don’t know how many more weeks I can stand of this.