One Sentence Summary: Emily goes on her first dates with a little help from Kermit & Miss Piggy.
Rachel: Oh, how I love that the Muppets are popular again. Such a happy memory from my childhood. The show, the movies, the songs…. The Rainbow Connection, Bein’ Green… which is what I have a feeling I will be when I am done watching this episode. Between the gosh gollies and the drinking game we so brilliantly devised, I think it’s going to be a nauseating evening. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but I’m bracing for impact. And by that, I mean I’m holding on tight to my wine glass. BTW, I read an interesting article in this week’s In Touch magazine that claims that this group of Bachelors is the wealthiest group ever. They say that not only is Emily getting paid double what the other Bachelorettes & Bachelors have gotten paid, but that all the men had to be “prequalified as wealthy.” Don’t be fooled by job descriptions like “mushroom farmer” either. Apparently, Alejandro has made a fortune selling eco-friendly grow-your-own-mushroom kits. And Arie’s last name? Luyendyk. Now, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger… Not that I necessarily blame her.
Melissa: Well this week it’s up to the guys to prove they can be a good papa to Ricky Bobby, and yeah, there will be a little hanging with the Muppets… How awesome is that??
Rachel’s What Happened: So it’s official. The bachelors are in a mansion in Charlotte and not being held hostage in a Holiday Inn like Melissa was worried they were. Not sure that warrants us having to watch a news broadcast on the subject, but I guess we’re going to have to be reminded constantly that this season is being filmed in Charlotte, as if we can’t remember that from week to week. Or maybe we’re supposed to believe all their nonsense about how Charlotte is this tiny Southern town that’s been invaded by the Bachelorette. Um, hate to burst your “quaint little southern” bubble, but there are 1.5 million people hanging out in the Charlotte Metro area. That does not a small town make. No, it’s not Los Angeles, but it’s not like you moved production to Poughkeepsie. And call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure most of the Charlotte residents were blissfully unaware that Emily was honoring them with her quest for love.
But what’s really important here, we find out, is that Emily is able to stay in touch with her mom & friends during this process since she’s in Charlotte as we see her in the park have a pow-wow with her girls about her upcoming dates. Man, they are really breaking all their rules for this girl. She must have a vajayjay dipped in gold the way people are bending over backwards for her on this show. That or the ratings must have been really low on the last Bachelorette that they needed a sure thing this time around. I’m going to go with the latter, though I’m not ruling out the former just yet.
Melissa: Um, did we have to intro with the news update? I mean I get that it’s big, but come on. I don’t like that she gets to have people to talk to. I think I want to be selfish and have her be completely confused and only have the bag of rocks Chris to bounce things off of. Speaking of… Chris, everyone knows how the show works. You don’t need to give the details again… and again and again… Though I have to give the guys props for looking “surprised” to hear that they might not get a rose on a date and have to go home immediately.
‘Tangle Head 2
Rachel’s What Happened: Time to find out who got the first one-on-one date – AKA the first guy to have a target on his back. And the first lucky bachelor is… drum roll… Ryan! He’s one of my frontrunners so I hope he brings the magic. Well, first I hope he does something about that ridiculous haircut, then I hope he brings the magic. Though maybe it’s less his hair and more that his head is a perfect rectangle. I think he might even be more of a “‘tangle head” than Ames was… and we know how I loved me some Ames. He’s like Ames on steroids. Anywho, I do like that he says that if you treat a woman like a queen she will treat you like a king. More men need to understand that. Well, more men that I date. Ryan wonders what the date will be like and thinks maybe airplanes or hot air balloons. Instead, he gets to help Emily bake cookies at her house for her daughter’s soccer game. Anyone else see the light go out in Ryan’s eyes? Haven’t I been saying that the ridiculous over-the-top dates are just set-ups for disappointment when real life strikes? Glad to see someone has been listening. Now if only I could get that “On The Wings Of Love” request granted. While I doubt this all she has in store, it’s a good first date. On a side note, I have the same t-shirt that Ryan is wearing. Wonder what that says about his fashion sense… or mine…. other than we both buy t-shirts at Old Navy.
Meanwhile, the guys are back at the mansion discussing whether or not Ryan will meet Ricky on the first date. Doug, who also has a child, says no way. Emily proves him right by taking the cookies to the soccer game and leaving Ryan sitting in the car wondering when he’s going to get to ride in a helicopter. He says he is actually pretty honored to be spending this day with Emily and being part of her everyday life. Two thumbs up for Ryan.
Melissa: Ryan, who clearly just woke up or has mastered the art of the rooster-bed-head look, gets the first date with Emily. No pressure dude, you can either set the bar high, or just lay it on the floor. Love the obligatory shirtless scene as he gets ready. OK, now it’s time for the ladies to enjoy some eye candy… Rather, attempts at it. Seriously producers, you bring the Winey Bitches on board, and we’ll give the audience something to look at. Wait, are you kidding me? Date time is bringing in groceries and “Mommy” stuff? Well, at least there’s a realistic aspect to this season. Of course Ryan thinks it’s “awesome”. He ain’t no dummy.
I’m glad to see that Ryan isn’t going to meet Ryan, because that’s just a wee much if you ask me. It’s not right to put a child into that situation. So he’s not wandering down to soccer practice, but she’s not going to stay. OK Emily, consider that your first ding… Just showing up to pass out treats then jetting for a date?
Rachel’s What Happened: Since Ryan passed the “dressed-down baking cookies hanging at home” test, he gets dinner with Emily. And clearly we’re stepping it up a notch with her rented Maserati. They show up at a restaurant with fans outside waiting to take pictures of Emily. You know, because Charlotte is a small town and she considers everyone her friend. Seriously? Come on. Look I get she’s got a “role” to play, but cut us some slack.
Hey, this Ryan is a smooth character. Emily is afraid the guys will see this as a game to win and not really want her in the end. Ryan says that, for some of the guys, it will be a game. But he wants to compete in the sense that he wants to put his best foot forward at all time. Well played. He makes her start to think that there are some other guys there for the wrong reasons while he’s just a good ol’ boy. See. Smooth. Emily is smitten with Ryan but is afraid he’s too perfect… kinda like Brad. Wait, are we talking about the same Brad? The one that had to have therapy sessions for his anger issues during the Bachelor? The one you didn’t even make it to After The Final Rose with? That perfect guy? And are we going to have to endure her comparing every guy to Brad for the entire season? It’s like Ashley & Bentley all over again. Well, at least Emily had an actual relationship with Brad. That puts her a good solid step ahead of Ashley. Though I feel like she might be right about him being a little too perfect… He says he wants her to make it hard for him and to make her chase him. Yeah, sure you do, dude. Smitten with Ryan, she gives him the rose and ends the date with a concert by Gloriana. Ah, now the people all make sense. They’re there for the concert. Friends/Gloriana fans…. Same difference. Well played, producers. Speaking of hot dates, that lead singer for Gloriana is yum. If I were Emily, I’d be lobbying to add him to the mansion.
Melissa: Holy putting the poor guy on the spot before appetizers! Couldn’t even let him get a cocktail down before she started with the hard questions. Wait, she doesn’t want to be the prize? Um, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone on a show that offers you up as a prize… Twice.
Group Date Time
Rachel’s What Happened: Thirteen lucky bachelors are heading out for the first group date of the season. They are: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Jef, John, Chalrie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon. Let’s note that my other frontrunner, Arie, is not on the list. A one-on-one date for the Dutch boy? The guys find out they’re going to be performing in a show to raise money for the The Ricky Hendrick Centers for Intensive Care at The Levine Children’s Hospital. That just rolls off the tongue. Boy, I hope these guys realize they’re going to live in the shadow of her late fiancee the rest of their lives…
Anyway, she brought some friends along to help her – Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. OK, how can you not smile when you see the Muppets? So, some guys get to dance, some get to sing and some are doing stand-up comedy with Fozzie Bear. No one is super thrilled about performing in front of an audience (even though they’re on a TV show in front of millions of people), but Charlie is having an actual meltdown. He has insecurities about speaking which is putting “fear in his heart” so he goes to see Emily. He tells her that he’s embarrassed, but he doesn’t know if he can do the comedy routine he’s been assigned on his own due to the speech issues he has from his accident. Emily has no issue with it and moves him to a different part of the show. Seriously though, anyone who would have an issue with that would seriously need to have their head examined for trauma. Aw, sweet Charlie. I want to hug him. Tight. And have him hug me back. Tight. You know, I like to help where I can.
Emily performs a musical routine with a few guys. Charlie holds his own in an interview with Miss Piggy. And Kyle and John do their comedy routine. Let’s be honest, after the disaster that was Ashley’s comedy date, we’re all cringing waiting to hear this go down. But it seems only the lame jokes were cringe-inducing this time around. One more reason for Ashley to stick another pin in her Emily voodoo doll.
Melissa: Love that the guys line up to give her a hug… That cracks me up. Oh tonight’s for charity. OK, I can’t snark on that. I can snark on the rest, but not that. So jealous they are chilling with Kermit and Miss Piggy and Fozzie! Poor Charlie has a fear of public speaking. UGH, hopefully Emily cuts him a little slack. I know I would, and he’s even sweeter now. Alright, here’s my question… Why do the producers continue to make the bachelors attempt to be funny? It never is and they look like jackasses. Oh, love how well Charlie did with Miss Piggy!! He’s climbing the rungs with me!! I’m also loving this show. Who doesn’t love the Muppets and charity? You wily Bachelorette Producers… You always know how to pull me back in. I even have a teary moment during the Rainbow Connection! DAMN YOU!!
Time for the cocktail party… and for the men to jockey for one-on-one time. I have to say I do get a bit of a chuckle out of watching men fumble over themselves to impress her. She tells Chris he’s so good looking, but he doesn’t come across as someone that thinks that. Yeah, I’m wondering if it’s because he’s not actually that good looking. He’s one of those guys that looks good from certain angles but as soon as you catch him from another angle, it doesn’t work anymore. It’s confusing to my little head. Jef isn’t giving Emily any attention and she wants to know why, which puts him into a bit of defensive mode. He thinks this process is weird and she says she knows how he feels. Poor thing looks like a deer with Rick Astley hair caught in headlights. Stevie goes slow-dancing with Emily & is busted by Charlie who finds it hilarious. The other guys go to check it out, which gives Kalon time to plot his next move…. which is to cut in on the dance & steal Emily. His one-on-one time is cut super short when Aaron cuts in. Kalon says they just started talking & asks for two minutes. Aaron isn’t feeling like giving any more charity tonight and says nope. Well, that wasn’t very nice, Aaron, even if you don’t like Kalon. Did you forget your manners back in Long Beach? When Kalon tells the story to some of the guys, Stevie calls him out because he cut in on his time with Emily & tells him that he doesn’t like him. While I do think Kalon has some douche tendencies, I gotta give this one to him. Sorry Stevie, you missed the point in your quest to me a hard ass. And while we’re on the subject of missing the point, the facial hair situation you have going on… Yeah. Thankfully Emily comes back before blows are thrown to award the date rose. She gives it to Jef and I think it surprised him as much as it surprised all the other guys who were sure it was going to them. Apparently, the aloof thing – and the hair – are working for him.
Melissa: OK, if Charlie doesn’t get the group date rose I’m gonna be pissed. Way to backpedal your way out of being called aloof, Jef. Not super convincing. Stevie gets pulled away from Emily by Kalon who then loses her to Aaron… Oh boys. Wait a minute, Jef with his Jiffy Pop hair gets the rose and not Charlie? Oh, I’m mad at you girl.
Oh No, Joe
Rachel’s What Happened: Joe gets the second one-on-one date which leaves Sean, Arie and Travis out in the cold this week. Emily thinks he looks like Matthew McConaughey. Really? Are we talking about the same Matthew McConaughey that likes to smoke pot and play his bongos naked? Yeah, I’m missing the memo on that one. Apparently, Joe doesn’t have to pass the “down-home dude” test like Ryan did since he pulls up in a limo to Emily on a red carpet in front of a lear jet. They’re headed to West Virginia where her heart is. Unfortunately, the people of WV needs less heart and more dentists. That would be more helpful, I think.
I gotta say that Joe has a bit of a lurker vibe to me. I can totally see him doing drive-bys at night to make sure his girlfriend is home like she says she is. Emily is taking lurker to the Greenbrier Hotel which is a beautiful hotel that has been in business since the late 18th century. Wow, it really is beautiful. And you know I had to look up the prices of their hotel rooms… Um, yeah, you’re looking at a solid $700 per night. But hey, they give you free breakfast! Let me tell you that that breakfast had better be served to me in bed by a Christian Bale look-alike who feeds me each bite while telling me how beautiful I am.
Back at the date, Joe & Emily go for a swim in the 100-year-old pool where Emily spent her childhood and Joe wins the first view of Emily in a bathing suit.
Melissa: Joe gets the 3rd date card with Emily & the remaining boys start to sweat it out. So she jets off to West Virginia with Joe, and if I were Ryan I’d be questioning cookie time versus jetting off.
Cruisin’ For a Bruisin’
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the house, Kalon is once again putting himself in the crosshairs with the other guys. He says that it’s a crazy thing to contemplate embracing someone else’s child as his own. Really, dude? You do realize that Ricky isn’t part of the a la carte menu, right? She’s part of the Emily entree. No substitutions. Needless to say, this doesn’t still well with Doug who warns him to be very thoughtful about being with a woman with a child and tells all the guys to make sure they’re ready for it. Smooth Moves Kalon responds with a comment about how Doug put fatherhood “on hold” to be there, insinuating that Doug isn’t as serious about it as he claims to be. Oh no you did not just go there. You don’t insult someone’s parenting. Especially if that someone can snap you like a twig. You’re about to get those sporty little Ray-Bans crushed into a thousand pieces. Doug warns him to be very careful about what he’s saying. If Kalon makes it out of here without suffering some kind of broken bone, it will be a miracle.
Melissa: I love the words of wisdom from the daddies in the group until Kalon puts his foot in his mouth with Doug. Guess what sweetie, you’re knocking the guys for putting thier kids on hold, but saying it’s perfectly acceptable for Emily to do it… You’re an ass. PLUS, you’re not sure if you could handle being a father to someone else’s child… Um, what do you think this is? It’s a big Daddy Interview… Now you’re an imbecile too. You know I’m totally hoping for a smack down because Doug is my boy.
Oh No, Joe, Part 2
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the Greenbrier, Emily & Joe head to dinner. BTW, there is so much pink & green in this episode that I’m starting think that I’ve been transported back to 1984 without my knowledge. Emily is hoping dinner helps her find that spark with Joe, because right now it’s missing. Guess he doesn’t look THAT much like McConaughey. She asks him the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question. Yeah, if you’re asking job interview questions on a date, you’re probably trying to create a spark with a wet match. He says he wants to be happy and he’ll move anywhere for her if he’s the last guys standing. Stalker.
As the conversation continues to drag, Emily is still forced to let him know that they are having dinner under the Love Clock whose legacy is that you write a love note, put it inside the clock & it will stand the test of time. I think right now the clock is less about love and more just is a loud ticking reminder to Emily of how this date is dragging along second by second. Joe writes a very sweet note about coming back someday with her & Ricky, which makes her teary. Sadly though, the tears aren’t the kind that get you a date rose. They’re the kind that gets your suitcase plucked from the foyer in front of the other guys.
Emily tells Joe that she doesn’t see where he fits in her life. I’m not sure you can actually suss that out on a first date, but we are talking about a reality show. Plus, it’s a much more palatable explanation than “I think you’re a lurker.” She tries to give him the ol’ “I think you’re wonderful” parting speech, but Joe can’t get out of there fast enough. Don’t blame him, really. I find the fake “It’s not you, it’s me” moments painful. I mean clearly it’s him since he’s the one getting dumped… on national television… after one date. Guess that swim didn’t make the right kind of waves. Well, first casualty of the night is out of the way. And Emily still gets to watch the hotel’s fireworks show. Hey, they were already paid for.
Melissa: Ruh-ro, Emily is trying to find the spark. Not a good sign. Joey better step us his love game. Tread carefully with the “I’ll give it all up for you”, my dear, because that rose just may wilt sitting there on the plate while you’re shuttled off to the airport. Does he at least get to fly back on the cool plane or is it just the next coach flight back to his hometown? HA, fireworks even.
Cocktails With A Twist of Awkward
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the cocktail party and the guys are sweating it. She’s already sending guys home so it’s all coming into sharp focus that she’s not messing around. Arie scores some one-on-one time and then scores some points when he drops into conversation that he dated a woman who had children. I guess it’s the second best way to prove you like kids after actually having them. Ryan steals some time next which no one like since he’s safe. Tony takes the opportunity to interrupt, but unfortunately, Tony walks in as Emily is given a sweet note from Ryan that she reads out loud in front of him…. while he waits for his turn. And there’s no part of that note that’s short. Apparently, Ryan isn’t a “get right to the point kind of guy.” Not enough words for awkward. Finally, Tony gets his time and he tells her about his son. As would be expected, it gives Tony a boost on the likability scale. When are the Latin Lovers going to make a move? They’ve had exactly zero face time. I want to hear about mushroom farming and grain production. Ok, I don’t, but the accents work for me. But instead Kalon has to get some more time and drive all the guys crazy.
Melissa: Arie finally gets some time with our Miss E, and spills about his past dating a woman with 2 kids… Well played, my friend. Show her you’re cool with kids. Ha, it’s the whole “you have a rose, you’re safe, give us a chance” moment for the boys. Too bad Ryan doesn’t care since he has a love novel to deliver. OY, that’s just all sorts of wrong. At least Tony gets to drop the “I have a kid too” news and feel like he has a “connection” with Emily. Oh boy, it’s the Kalon show again. He’s slipping down the scale with me. Fast.
Safe: Ryan, Jef, Kalon, Arie, Michael, Nate, Sean, Chris, Doug, Travis, Tony, John, Allesandro, Charlie, Allejandro, Stevie
Going Home: Joe, Aaron & Kyle
Rachel: Well Aaron, I guess throwing that attitude at Kalon on the group date didn’t work out so well for you. It’s all about the Southern manners on this go-around, friend. Too bad the Clark Kent glasses weren’t enough to overcome that faux pas. Ah well… And Kyle, we hardly knew ye.
Melissa: Of course Kalon gets a rose!! The producers want me to be annoyed with at least one person for week 3. I swear, one of these seasons a man (or woman) is going to just give back their rose because some idiot got one. She’s just lucky Charlie and Doug got their roses or I would full on boycott. BTW, boys, you didn’t get your heart broken 2 weeks after meeting someone. Give it up.