Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7, Week 15 – Scream Therapy

One Sentence Summary:  Gretchen & Heather both take steps to strengthen their relationships, one on the therapist’s couch and one at the DMV.

I wonder if it’s time for more Botox.

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh boy oh boy oh boy!  Tamra & Alexis face off tonight!  I hope it’s as fabulous in real life as it is in my head.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It will never live up to the Dynasty-esque scene I’ve created in my head.  Well, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it anyhow.

So post-screaming-match Vicki is back at work.  Man, I’d hate to be her employee the day after that battle royale.  But Brooks shows up at work with coffee & breakfast for her before the monster came out.  And of course, with any good breakfast comes some deep thoughts by Brooks.  This guy gives me the heebie jeebies.  There’s a shiny veneer over everything he says and it just oozes BS.  How does she not see it?  Well, we’ve all been in that relationship where the huge red flags are waving in your face and you pretend you don’t see them.  Welcome, Vicki.  Just be careful you don’t suffocate yourself.

Heather meets her friend & former co-star, Dina, for lunch.  They starred together on Men Behaving Badly once upon a blue moon (though as far as IMDB is concerned it was more like she was in one episode, so we use the term “co-star” loosely).  Heather is lamenting her move to the OC and I don’t blame her.  I couldn’t do the OC… Then again, I didn’t think I could do Florida, but here I am!  Her friend says that Heather has a shelf life of about 10 more years before she won’t be able to get much work anymore so she has to decide what’s important.  Apparently, Dina is too old at 46 to play Harrison Ford’s wife as far as Hollywood standards go.  And for those playing at home, Harrison clocks in at a ripe old age of 69… Wait… Indiana Jones is about to be 70???  Jesus, I’m getting old.  And shame on Hollywood for still being so sexist.  But Heather’s big decision is whether or not she should take her husband’s name which would mean giving up her stage name… and in turn giving up her career.  Honey, no offense, but it’s not like you were winning Emmys.  I think you’re doing just fine where you are.  But I shall grant her a mourning period as it is the end of an era and the end of a dream.  My generosity knows no bounds.

After her chat with Heather last week, Gretchen decides to confront Slade about his paternity and alimony issues.  She doesn’t think he is realistic about what’s going on so she suggests seeing a therapist.  Slade says they are fine talking amongst themselves.  She’s not swayed so he agrees to go to a therapist.  That boy knows where his bread is buttered.  Ah, anyone remember the last time Slade went to a therapist on this show?  I believe that ended with him being dumped by Jo on national television.  Good luck and godspeed, Slade.

Alexis is on her way to an Alexis Couture photo shoot now that her fashion line is “blowing up”.  Wonder what that really means.  This shoot is for Beauty & Entertainment Magazine (never heard of it) and she is going to be on the cover with a spread inside.  She tells the photographer that she’ll give them 10 minutes for each outfit.  Good luck with that one.  She’s been doing this long enough that she is pretty much a professional model.  Too bad nobody told her about not pissing off the client.  Where’s Tyra when you need her?  Wow, Alexis really is the epitome of the saying “Ignorance is bliss.”

Heather goes to the DMV to officially change her name to Dubrow.  She thinks Terry will be really happy that she did it.  The best part is that Heather keeps making jokes to all the workers there and gets exactly zero laughs.  Poor girl.  No one told her that there’s no joking at the DMV.  It’s only a place for rage and tears.

Tamra is off to start her own gym.  The real estate market is in the shitter so it’s time for her to find a new source of income.  Inspired by her father’s own entrepreneurial spirit, she goes to meet with some guys that already own a gym to get advice.  She wants to know how long it will be from signing a lease ’til she can open the doors and if her budget is realistic.  She’s looking 30 days if she busts her ass and the gym owner thinks her budget is realistic.  All good news for Tamra.  I like this new woman that showed up this season.  She’s a much nicer, happier, down-to-earth version of who she used to be…. And boy, did I despise who she used to be.  I give you a tip o’ the hat, Tamra, and good wishes for a successful biz.

Meanwhile, Vicki is putting together a girls’ trip to Costa Rica for 4 days.  She calls and invites Alexis who would love to go to Costa Rica… which is in Mexico.  Wow.  My lord she is single-handedly keeping the dumb blonde image alive and kicking.  You book a ticket to Mexico, sweetie.  Let us know how it is.  Then Vicki calls Gretchen whose voicemail message still tells everyone to call Slade if they want to get a hold of her.  That is seriously one of the tackiest messages on the planet.  Who does that?  Hi, I’m too busy to talk to you so call my boyfriend/assistant/bitch and he’ll let me know what you want because he has nothing better to do with his time… like look for a paying job with which to support his kids.

Heather goes to surprise Terry at work with her new name.  She knows that he’ll be touched but is surprised when he actually gets teary-eyed over it.  That’s super cute. They’re a very sweet couple.  He said that it feels like it’s really real now that she has his name… Not that it wasn’t really real before.   It’s just really cool, he says.  And you know what, it is.  I can’t even be snarky about this.

Tamra is holding auditions for instructors for her new gym.  She wants new and

When did this turn into Cirque du Stripper?

unique ideas for classes.  Some are really good.  Some are really bad.  And some are really…. awkward, like the girl who puts both her legs behind her head while wearing super short shorts.  While Tamra tries not make direct eye contact with her chooch, Eddie is mesmerized.  Sorry Eddie, that kind of “exercise” happens only in clubs where money is exchanged in single denominations.

On the way to see the therapist, Gretchen & Slade get into an argument over texting while driving… or texting while sitting in traffic as it were.  Seems like a good start to the day.  They finally make it and get into the issue at hand… Slade’s finances.  Gretchen says that she doesn’t want to make bad decisions again just because she’s in love.  Then she shares this juicy little tidbit.. She’s given Slade money in the past to pay his child support.  You did what?  You are insane, woman.  But she can’t keep doing that because it’s her enabling him to keep

Wait. You’re serious? I have to work?

behaving the way he shouldn’t be behaving.  Um, yeah.  How is Slade not humiliated at this point?  He tells her that it will be handled.  The therapist tells him to tell Gretchen how it’s going to be handled.  Genius says it’s going to be handled because he’s going to handle it.  Awesome plan!  Let’s see what Gretchen thinks?  Gretchen thinks she’s heard that load of crap for three years now.  Next genius plan?  Well, why don’t we blame it on Gretchen?  Seems he can’t make great strides because he’s busy doing things for her.  That’s how you want to play this?  The therapist has heard enough and flat out asks him if he wants to make money.  He says yes and admits that he should put more focus on cleaning up his past.  The therapist says to pick a time in the day that he will spend on fixing his mess.  He says he will but Gretchen will distract him.  Way to sling more mud in your girlfriend’s face.  She doesn’t trust he’s going to do it, but they agree that he’ll work from 10 – 2 every day without her distracting him.  And she’ll trust that he’s using the time wisely.  Good luck with that.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for… Well, I’ve been waiting for… Tamra v Alexis.  Alexis wants to clear the air before Costa Rica.  Tamra is… there.  Alexis wants to know where their friendship made a wrong turn and how they can get past it.  Tamra is wondering when they had a friendship to make a wrong turn in the first place.  She says that they’re just different people.  Then up comes the nose job debacle at the Bunko party.  Tamra doesn’t understand why she lied about getting a nose job when she’s talked about getting a nose job for three years.  It’s just more of Alexis’s pattern of denying the truth.  Alexis says she doesn’t have to justify it to her.  Tamra asks her why she’s justifying it then.  Excellent question.  One that Alexis can’t answer.  It starts to go around again and Tamra tries to diffuse it by saying that they don’t have anything in common.  See, now at this point, a smart woman would get that Tamra is saying she doesn’t like her and leave it at that.  End of story.  Moving along.  But not Alexis.  She keeps pushing Tamra about being real to her face and not talking behind her back.  Have you not met Tamra before?  She’s not going to keep sugar coating it for you… And there it is.  You’re shallow & fake.  This sends Alexis tailspinning into a rant about how caring and generous she is.  Yeah, this wasn’t going to go well.  Finally… FINALLY Alexis clues in that Tamra isn’t going to acquiesce and play nice so she decides to leave.  On her way out, Alexis requests that Tamra be respectful of her & her marriage behind her back.  Honey, she isn’t respectful to your face.  All bets are off behind your back, especially when her response is “I don’t give a shit about you or your marriage.”  Well, alrighty then.  Costa Rica should be fun.

Bottom Line:  Yep, it looks like Alexis poked the bear and the claws are still out in Costa Rica.  Whoops.

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