Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7, Week 14 – Happily Never After

One Sentence Summary:  Vicki is riding the happy train until some shocking news totally sends her careening of the rails.

My Thoughts:

Nothing like a hang session in someone’s bathroom.

Rachel:  So the news just broke online that Brianna is pregnant (Click here).  Obviously, we won’t get to see that on screen this season, but damn that must have been some kind of family moment.  Vicki is just taking the hits left & right isn’t she?  Wasn’t she just saying she isn’t ready to be a grandmother.  Well, get ready darling.  Your love tank is about to get a little more crowded.

Anywho, Alexis is getting ready for her twin girls’ 4th birthday party.  I’m sorry, her boobs are so stupidly huge.  I mean maybe that’s what Jesus would want, but they’re hard to look at.  I just find it so amusing at how pious she claims to be and yet is shallow, vain & materialistic at the same time.  Yeah, not a fan. So the theme of the party she is throwing is “Princess & Puppies”.  That’s a theme?  I suppose it’s better than a Justin Bieber party.  Just looking at the bright side folks.  BTW, I didn’t realize that spray tanning your boss was part of being a personal assistant.  Yeah, not enough money.  And I love that she’s overwhelmed by the party for which she’s doing absolutely nothing other than getting tan.

Aw lawd, is Slade really looking at engagement rings?  Didn’t Gretchen’s father say no to him proposing?  I’m thinking it’s not a great idea to piss off daddy right now.  And Heather is helping pick out the ring?  They’ve been friends for like 2 minutes.  I guess no one else would agree to go.  BTW, exactly how are you paying

for this ring, Slade?  And you have heard her tell you that she doesn’t want to get married, right?  So I’m thinking maybe you should send some of that ring money to your kids, jackass.  He wants a yellow diamond for her.  First one shown is

So, what do you have in a cubic zirconia?

$250k.  Second one is $50k.   Going in the right direction but you’ll probably have to knock another zero off that price.  Then he decides he wants to buy her a ring with an imitation center stone and work his way to a real stone.  What a guy. Maybe he should find one of those gumball machines in the mall with the fake rings in them.  Look, I’m not saying you have to spend a fortune.  But I am saying you have to buy something real.  Just when I think he couldn’t get less attractive, he proves me wrong.

Again, why is Tamra getting the tattoo surgically removed when there is laser surgery out there?  Oh, it’s been lasered 7 or 8 times… Never mind!  My bad.  You may go ahead with the surgery.  And seriously, quite the symbolic gesture having your ex-husband’s name cut off of your body.  Unfortunately, either she had some bad shrimp for lunch or her nerves are getting the best of her because she’s running to the bathroom every 2 minutes, so she may have to go a few more days with “Simon” on her hand.  But Eddie says if the tattoo goes, he’ll buy her a ring.  Well, at least there will be something to cover the scar.  Seems a fair trade, no?  Ah, do we need to watch the actual procedure?  I may end up in the bathroom if they keep showing this.

Vicki’s brother is in town to help her get through this Brianna wedding drama.  She’s upset that they haven’t gone to pre-marital counseling and that she took the wedding dream away from her… except that Brianna still wants a wedding and wants her mom to walk her down the aisle.  But that also pisses off Vicki… Wait, if your dream is to walk her down the aisle, shouldn’t you be glad she still wants you to walk her down the aisle?  I mean it’s not exactly the same since she’s already married but if you’re so interested in the ceremony of it all… Well, give her the freaking ceremony she wants.  Brianna wants Donn to walk her down the aisle as well.  Ah, it’s a cozy little family affair.

Keep on applying… a little bit more… a little bit more…

Are you shitting me?  Is Alexis really putting make-up on her 4-year-old daughters?  And she’s shipping in a bunch of puppies who will have to endure an afternoon of children pulling on their fur and shrieking in their ears.  I just shake my head in the general direction of this party.

Gretchen stops by Heather’s to get the grand tour of her manse.  It is quite a spectacular place.  And I love that Heather & her husband have their own bathrooms with their own toilets.  I’m telling you that is the secret to a happy marriage.  Not that I’ve ever been married… but I’ve been in enough relationships to know it is the bonus plan.  Gretchen brings up marriage to Slade and she says she wants to have babies but she’s afraid.  She was in one marriage with a man with financial issues and she doesn’t want to do it again.  Don’t blame you, sister.  Heather intimates to Gretchen that Slade might be in a “flowerier place” about their relationship than she is.  Ya think?  Gretchen says she has given Slade a timeframe which at this point is a year, two at best, to get his house in order.  She can’t imagine being without him, but she can’t imagine living with a man in his situation.  How many times can I say this… RUN GIRL RUN!

I don’t think Alexis realizes this party isn’t for her.  Her speech to the parents… and the kids… is bizarre.  She’s talking about how she almost died from a blood clot when we was in labor, how she was on pain pills & morphine and how no one understood what was going on with her.  Sweetie, we still don’t understand.  And those kids you just freaked out, they really don’t understand.  Wow, now she’s telling the kids to ask their parents to take home the puppies who are all available for adoption.  I’m sure those parents can’t wait to thank you when their kids are on the floor screaming and crying about wanting a puppy.  She’s a banana.  Total banana topped off with a Cinderells carriage ride around their driveway.

Heather finds out that she didn’t get the TV show she auditioned for.  She’s disappointed but she is also relieved.  She realizes how unrealistic the whole idea was in relationship to her family life.  So Terry says she can now concentrate on the restaurant.  Oh right… that.

Back over at Crazytown, Alexis wants another baby and is begging Jim.  If he lets her have one more baby, she’ll never ask for another thing.  Sure.  That’s almost gonna happen.  And you do realize you’re walking into the “give up the reporting job, stay at home and you’ll get a kid” trap, right?  That’s where that’s going to go, though it seems Jim is less than receptive to the idea of a baby.  Guess he hasn’t quite figured out that angle yet.

Tamra and Eddie go to dinner and she tells him she is doing some research on real estate for her gym.  Aaaand speaking of real estate, Tamra tells Eddie her kids don’t feel comfortable at his house yet.  So, while it makes more sense to be at his place, she wants to break them in gently.  Then she admits that she’s really just scared that if she puts the kids on him full force he’s going to leave her.  Well darlin, the kids aren’t going away so better rip that Band Aid off now.  He says he would have left a long time ago if he didn’t want kids around.  She says it’s different when the kids are actually in the house bickering and there stuff is everywhere.  He says he’s willing to take that on because he loves her.  He’s pragmatic about the situation and says it is what it is.  If he can’t handle it, they’ll be broken-hearted but they’ll survive.  But she keeps pressing and pushing and pressing and pushing.  Dear God woman!  He loves you!  He knows how old you are and he knows how many kids you have!  You didn’t start dating 5 minutes ago.  This isn’t new news.  He brings up the tattoo and says he’s not putting a ring on the finger until it’s gone.  Voila!  Frankenstein finger comes out and Eddie shits a brick.  Tamra says he should be shitting a diamond ring.  But be very clear, she did this for herself and not for him.  Yeah I’m sure that’s partially true but let’s be honest, the promise of a diamond doesn’t hurt.

Finally, time for Vicki vs Brianna round 2.  Brianna says Vicki doesn’t listen to her.  Vicki feels the same about Brianna.  Brianna says she feels like her mom was lonely and latched on to the first guy that came along.  Vicki switches the subject to her disapproval of Brianna’s marriage… You know, in case she hadn’t made that clear yet.  And quickly it all goes careening downhill.  Brianna says Vicki is still married so it’s a very different thing than her & Ryan.  Vicki says it’s only

I’m happy, dammit! Can’t you hear how happy I am?!?!

because Donn wants spousal support and she won’t pay him.  That’s why it’s taking so long and Brianna should be worried about that.  Oh boy… Did you need to tell her that?  And what’s it for her to be worried about?  Brianna just thinks she should slow down.  Vicki, in her total crazy spiral mode that we’ve seen 1,000 times before, starts screaming that she loves Brooks and she’s not slowing down.  Then she throws Internet trash she’s read about Ryan in Brianna’s face.  Classy move.  Brianna says that if we’re going to go there what about all the things there are about Brooks and his DUI & lack of child support on the Internet?  Vicki tells her to shut up…. Yes, because only Vicki gets to play dirty.  Brianna isn’t backing down.  She doesn’t like Brooks and thinks he’s an opportunist.  And she’s probably right but Vicki is happy so that’s how it’s going to be.  So, if I can understand this correctly… Neither woman likes the other woman’s man, yet expects that the other one respects their choices though they refuse to return that respect for said other person’s choices.  Alrighty then… That seems like a really piss poor plan.  Vicki ultimately says she knows she has to accept Ryan because she’s happy.  And all my support for Brianna goes right out the window when Brianna goes full-on brat at the end and doesn’t give her mother an inch.  It goes both ways, sweetheart.  Your mom put out the olive branch and you knocked it out of her hand.  Ah, Thanksgiving should be fun at their house.

Bottom Line:  Hee hee… Next week Tamra vs Alexis.  That’s going to be fantastic.  This is really the best season of this show yet.  Granted, I have barely watched this show since Laurie was on.


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