One Sentence Summary: America’s Reality Sweetheart is back to golly gosh her way through 25 guys in the pursuit of true love.
Rachel: I have a feeling this is going to be a long season. It’s not that I don’t like Emily. She’s adorable and probably is really that sweet in real life. It’s just that that much sweetness is tough to take for more than 5 minutes at a time. It’s like my Bruce Banner anger button. The sweeter the Bachelorette, the snarkier my Hulk becomes. It’s genetic. I can’t help. And having seen the crew of bachelors lined up for this go-round, I’m even more sure that I’m going to need a lot of liquid support to get through. Good thing we have instituted the Bachelorette Drinking Game to make this a little more sporty and fun. (Click here for the rules.) So pour yourself a friend and join us as we go southern fried Bachelorette.
Melissa: It’s time to bring back Ashley’s worst nightmare… Emily. Finally, the Bachelorette everyone was hoping for on the last go around. I just hope I can stomach all the “gosh”, “golly”, “shucks” and cuteness this season.
Welcome To Charlotte
Rachel: Here we go… Holy tight sweater! Channeling Marilyn Monroe are we? Or the wardrobe peeps are anyway.
Melissa: Right?? Or she had her tatas done. 😉
Rachel: I think she’s wearing little Ricky Bobby’s sweater.
Melissa: You mentioned Ricky, drink. Oh, and here we go with the backstory… again
Rachel: Yes, in case anyone out there wasn’t feeling the appropriate amount of pity for her plight.
Rachel: Wait wait wait, she’s only 26? I mean I obviously had to know this but she just reads like 32 to me.
Melissa: Yeah, it’s the whole “life experience” thing.
Rachel: No wonder I look so young. BWAHAHAHA
Melissa: HAHA!! I am glad they toned her hair down for this season.
Rachel: That’s toned down?
Melissa: It’s not platinum anymore… She has a much better colorist now. There are multiple dimensions.
Rachel: The things fame brings you.
Melissa: Yes, better hair color. She needed it
Rachel: I love that she just said that she thinks being engaged is really special and something you should save for the person you’re going to marry. Um, says the girls that’s been engaged twice.
In Case You Already Forgot
Rachel: Thanks Mark for the update in case we didn’t just see the last 10 minutes.
Melissa: And by Mark, you mean Chris.
Rachel: Chris… Mark… Host-type guy
Melissa: Ah, yes, it’s hard to remember his name after only 14 Seasons. And you wonder why they recap things 75 times.
Rachel: Point taken.
A Few Good Men
Melissa: Here we go… Finally, some men.
Rachel: Oh Lord… Did he really just get out of a helicopter?
Melissa: Kaylin seems like a douche. Kalon, sorry.
Rachel: His name is Kalon. What do you expect? He thinks he’s James Bond. Douche, Kalon Douche.
Melissa: So he’s had time to realize his womanizing ways are wrong and he’s moved on to a mature way of life. Really? That entrance was after self-reflection??
Rachel: Apparently. The glasses make him responsible.
Melissa: Ah, yeah… It’s a good disguise.
Rachel: Another Southern boy. All the good ol’ boys are getting profiles.
Melissa: Ryan, I like him… He works with kids.
Rachel: Me too. He played football and works with kids. Though I disagree with the tank top. Men should never ever wear a tank top. Ever.
Melissa: Tony the lumber guy… not from the South.
Rachel: Hee hee, he said beaver.
Melissa: And he has a kid.
Rachel: Yes, a date for Ricky!
Melissa: Aw, that’s sweet.
Rachel: Yeah right up until the corny joke he just dropped.
Rachel: Look! The token man of color! Way to pretend you’re multicultural, Bachelorette!
Melissa: Lerone… He’s cool. You know I like the bald guys… and with a tiny dog no less.
Rachel: Yes, he’s a good looking man. Too bad he’s not making it out of the first round. Sad, but true.
Melissa: David from NYC… Again, blowing your Southern-boys-only conspiracy.
Rachel: Wait until we see who makes it through to the next round, smarty pants. Besides he lives in NYC, but his hometown is in Virginia. Bam! Back in the game.
Melissa: Oh no, another singer.
Rachel: He’s cute, but never go for the struggling musician. And please, if this is his example of his songwriting skills, he’s in trouble. We’re all in trouble because we’re going to have to hear “Emily, oh Emileeeeee, whoa whoa whoa” every time he’s on a date.
Melissa: NO! Please don’t let him sing on dates.
Rachel: I think I’d rather listen to Kasey… Maybe not.
Melissa: I like Charlie.
Rachel: Oh snap… He was on a balcony that collapsed! And suffered brain trauma… damn.
Melissa: Oh snap is right. Ha, I love the dog.
Rachel: I love the bulldog too. Bruised brain and a bulldog… All good in my book.
Rachel: Jeff… Jeff… Jeff…
Melissa: It’s “Jef” and he gets a ding for dropping the last f.
Rachel: Jef… Jef… Jef… That hair. That jacket.
Melissa: Oh but, he has you with the charity work doesn’t he?
Rachel: Sigh. Yeah, he does. Gets me every time.
Melissa: But, I still don’t get the Rick Astley hair.
Rachel: Ha! He totally has Rick Astley hair. Emily is about to get Rickrolled!
Melissa: Oh, Arie… a race car driver, huh? Like that won’t send her running.
Rachel: Speaking of bad hair… Of course there’s a race car driver. So clearly planned. At least they found a relatively cute one even if his hair looks like a rooster.
Melissa: Sheesh… come on producers.
Rachel: He’s got a little Danny Zuko going on. I want him to do some Greased Lightening in front of a race car.
Melissa: He does! Then Jef can bust some Rick Astley.
Melissa: DAMN, that’s a lot of makeup!
Rachel: Yeah it is. I think that’s part of what makes her look older. I do have to give her credit for not leaving her kid for 6 weeks though.
Melissa: Well it wouldn’t help her with the audience…
Rachel: No, but Jason did it and everyone loved him… up until he dumped Melissa on national television.
Melissa: Yeah, that’s not going to win you fans.
Rachel: Holy pageant dress!
Melissa: Holy Crystal Carrington Dynasty dress!!
Rachel: She’s wearing illusion netting… I guess she wants to be on Dancing With The Stars after this.
Melissa: Or Skating With The Stars… I’m confused by that choice.
Rachel: Man, we’ve got an entire season of that voice of hers.
Melissa: OK, I’m just putting this out there… This is going to be a mind numbing season. I might have to hit the Honey Jack.
Rachel: Can’t blame you. I think “gosh” and “golly” have to be added to the drinking game. Oh, here we go with the tragic story again!
Melissa: I’m already getting the twitchy eye.
Rachel: I hate to say it but the story gets less tragic the more we continue to exploit it in the name of sympathy. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Awesome. We don’t want to hear you talk about it anymore either.
Melissa: Well, it is her thing.
Rachel: On another note, doesn’t her hair looks like a Kim Zolciak wig?
Melissa: YES!! I wonder if it’s the Niki or the Sam that she’s wearing…
Melissa: Where are the guys staying? Do we know?
Rachel: Nope. Charlotte is all I’ve gotten thus far.
Melissa: I wonder if it’s a hotel or home? Or an elaborate sound stage and they’re being bused in from the Holiday Inn?
Rachel: LOL. Golly, again… really? She’s gotta stop with that or I’ll never survive an episode with our drinking game.
Melissa: Yeah, yeah. Quit your crying and drink.
It’s Show Time, Folks!
Rachel: Here we go! The limos of horny bachelors are arriving! Let the rating of the men begin! We’ve brought back our handy rating system from Ashley’s season to help you gauge our approvals, and we’re guessing, mostly disapprovals:
1. Aw suki suki now!!! Mama likey!
2. He could be a good time.
3. Talk to me after a couple glasses of wine.
4. Do I look that desperate?
5. Not even with someone else’s vajayjay.
Rachel: Not my type at all – 3
Melissa: I think he’s cute – 3
Rachel: He didn’t sing again so I can’t hate him totally… yet – 4
Melissa: Meh – 4. OK, 3 – for now
Rachel: Another charity guy. I like him. – 2
Melissa: I’d like Doug more if he’d shave.
Rachel:: Well and didn’t have cro-magnon forehead
Melissa: Well, there’s that… I give him a 3 with potential for a 2.
Rachel: Ew… Lame, gross and cheesy. The fitness model thing should help but it doesn’t. – 5
Melissa: Ugh, he was a 3 until that. Now he’s a 5.
Rachel: Oh this guys is a tool. – 5 – Welcome to LA…
Melissa: Yep, 5
Melissa: I’ll give him a 3.
Rachel: Did you see her perk up at him? – 2, with potential for a 1 with a haircut.
Rachel: He can’t stop checking out her body. – 4
Melissa: He gets a 3. I’m feeling generous tonight.
Rachel: Nice mid-western boy who gets a 3. Would be a 2 if he didn’t go on that tangent about calling his dad.
Melissa: Chris is cute… 3
Rachel: He’s got the Clark Kent thing going on, but I think he’s too funky for her – 3
Melissa: He just lost a point with that dumb line about chemistry… 4
Rachel: Ack! What is that hair? – 5
Melissa: Alessandro I think is just too… too. – 4
Rachel: Oh good grief Jef
Melissa: Jef gets a 6.
Rachel: Jef gets a 4 because I think there may be more to him than we’re getting to see.
Melissa: I can’t stand that Jiffy Pop hair.
Rachel: I like Lerone – 2
Melissa:I like him too. – 2
Rachel: No he didn’t just show up with a boom box.
Melissa: UGH, Stevie… no… please stop. You’re a 5
Rachel: Solid 5. He’s not making it past round 1.
Rachel: Charlie – 2
Melissa: Yeah, 2. Solid 2.
Melissa: UGH Tony… You could have been a 2. But no, you had to bring a glass slipper. – 3
Rachel: What the hell is he doing? He couldn’t find a better shoe? He gets a 5 just for a bad shoe.
Rachel: Not one hottie yet. What’s up?
Melissa: Nope 😦
Rachel: WTF is this? Is he for real? So missed the funny mark and just hit weird. He’s a 4.
Melissa: What’s with the costume, ass? Randy, you’re 4.
Rachel: Nothing much to say about Nate – 3
Melissa: I don’t dislike him… 3
Rachel: Really, a 41-year-old? She’s 26. Come on. – 4
Melissa: Meh. He won’t last. – 4
Melissa: John was a 2, until he had a nickname.
Rachel: Wolf? That’s the nickname? I hope it’s the lighting cause these men are not hot. He’s a 3.
Melissa: Um, he’s the egg man?
Rachel: Yes, and I am the Walrus. Goo goo g’joob. Oh God, he’s playing the high school egg game.
Melissa: LORD, he’s a 4.
Rachel: And I hate his hair – 4.
Rachel: NO! I reject that hair completely. Hey, 1994 Grunge called and it wants it’s hair back.
Melissa: Michael… No… 4.
Rachel: He gets a 4. He only escapes a 5, because he has a respectable job.
Rachel: He’s… fine. – 3
Melissa: I kinda like. – 3
Rachel: Two Latin lovers tonight. That’s a lot of selling mushrooms in his ears. Of course, he hasn’t said what kind of mushrooms he farms. Wink wink. – 2
Melissa: Alejandro, he gets 3.
Melissa: Ryan, what’s with the jacked hair? He slipped from 2 to 3 with that ‘do.
Rachel: I don’t know. It’s like a giant ad for Axe hair gel tonight. So many faux-hawks in the house it’s like a poultry farm. Though, thus far Ryan’s my fave. He’s a solid 2 for me.
Melissa: Oh I forgot he works with kids. He gets his 2 back.
Rachel: Oh boy, here comes the surprise in the helicopter. My drink gets thrown at the TV if that’s Bentley. But wait, we didn’t see the first guy in the heli did we? Yeah, there he is… Kalon. Wamp wamp…
Melissa: Yeah, El Douche. Kalon gets a 4.
Rachel: Hmmm… I’m giving him a 3.5. I’m hoping when he calms down he’s not quite as douchey.
Rachel: OK, the jackass entrance with rest of the guys drops him to a 4.
Melissa: And a big fat crickets from them when he drops his tacky joke about seeing them from his helicopter.
Rachel: I’m sure, being that he’s a luxury brands consultant, that he finagled a free deal for publicity for them.
Rachel: Golly… I can’t take a whole season of her saying “golly”.
Melissa: Nor can I. And the y’alls too.
Rachel: It’s feeding time… Here we go. Time for the men to jockey for one-on-one time.
Melissa: Brent had 6 kids??
Rachel: Oh man corny jokes everywhere. I don’t think he really has 6 kids, does he? Six kids? That seems crazy, right?
Melissa: I don’t know. Um, a bobble head?
Rachel: HA.. I love that Chris made bobbleheads of himself & Emily. I give him points for doing something that’s actually clever. I think it’s awesome. Well, up until role playing part. Two steps forward, one step back.
Melissa: I really want to let the pouf out of Jef’s hair. Just pat it down a bit.
Rachel: I just want to shave it off. She likes Rick Astley though.
Melissa: She does. She thinks he’s cool.
Rachel: Well cool for her is a different measure than for us.
Melisa: True. Oh, well played Doug, bringing the note from your son.
Rachel: And you know she is loving that. Sopping it up with a biscuit.
Melissa: OK, he’s cute. I like him
Rachel: Yeah, me too. I take back the forehead crack.
Melissa: Yeah, he’s a 2… Almost a suki suki.
Rachel: LOL. Yeah but no one is full suki yet.
Melissa: No… not a single suki in the bunch yet, zzzzzzzzz.
Rachel: BTW, what is a data destruction specialist? That’s what “Wolf” does.
Melissa: They wave a magnet over a hard drive.
Rachel: Can I get that job?
Melissa: We don’t have destruction specialists at my office. We have recovery folks, but no one setting out to destroy. I guess it depends… How big a magnet do you have? I mean you can’t just cover the thing in little refrigerator ones.
Rachel: I wonder if he gets to go “muhahaha” before he destructs?
Melissa: Oh, that would be awesome!
Rachel: If you get to do that, I’ll go buy the big magnet.
Melissa: Yeah, maybe that should be another part of TWB… destruction.
Rachel: OK my local news preview says that a woman saw Jesus on the Bachelor & has pictures to prove it. Welcome to Florida. You know I’m gonna watch.
Melissa: Was he in the background? You know like hiding in the bushes making all the wine?
Rachel: I think he was walking on the pool.
Melissa: Well that’s just going to ruin it for the other guys. I mean how do you top that?
Rachel: Well, maybe it will get him the first impression rose. But that one dude does have an egg.
Melissa: An egg isn’t going to do it for me. You gotta turn water into wine.
Rachel: Tough crowd. OK, Kalon is a full-on silver spoon brat without Ames’s charm.
Melissa: Yeah, I’m totally getting that vibe
Rachel: Oh, he was raised by a single mom… That’s surprising. Like Gloria Vanderbilt single mom?
Melissa: Yeah, didn’t see that coming.
Rachel: OK I strongly object to that green shirt Stevie is wearing. I kinda just object to him in general.
Melissa: Me too.
Melissa: Arie is growing on me.
Rachel: Me too. Here comes the race car bomb… And she says she’s ok with him being a driver yet she looks like she wants to pass out. And though it’s still Danny Zuko, he’s cuter than I thought he was.
Melissa: He’d be hot in a race car. That’s all I’m saying.
Melissa: Aw… I”m glad he got it
Rachel: Yeah me too. He might just be a contender.
The Rose Ceremony
Staying: Doug, Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Ari, Charlie, Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Aaron, Alejandro, John, Alessandro, Michael, Stevie, Tony, & Travis
Going: Lerone, Jean-Paul, Brent, Jackson, Randy, & David
Melissa: OK, did she really just say she didn’t think they would be into her?? Come on, Emily. No one’s buying that one.
Rachel: Yeah, false modesty is annoying. I do love that the show was only 90 minutes… It’s like easy breezy.
Melissa: This would suck if she wasn’t good with names and got confused.
Rachel: I always think that. I’d screw up for sure. But I’m sure they have some system. I wonder if they’ve got a mic in her ear and are feeding her the names.
Melissa: Oh, that makes sense. There’s no way she remembers everyone’s name that quickly.
Rachel: Kalon gets a rose. Boys be angry.
Melissa: Haters gonna hate.
Rachel: Yep. I love that it’s someone’s job to arrange the roses.
Melissa: LOL, I never thought about it.
Rachel: These are the things I think about.
Melissa: She’s not really shaking things up… They all are starting to blur together.
Rachel: That’s because they all look alike… minus one guy who won’t get called.
Melissa: See, here’s the thing, I think Michael could be cute if he cut his hair.
Rachel: Way cute. But the hair is there
Melissa: Yes it is.
Rachel: No shock here. Lerone is going home. Why did they even invite a brother on this show? I mean, come on. It’s insulting at this point.
Melissa: I know right? I liked him too.
Rachel: What’s not to like? He’s good looking, rockin bod, nice guy, has a good job… But she’s a good girl from the South.
Melissa: Yeah, I suppose. Man, didn’t even get an interview.
Rachel: You think he stood a chance? Come on. I mean don’t even bother playing us… or him. Sigh… So annoying. Wait! Brent wasn’t kidding! He really has 6 kids. Yeah, that’s a problem. Hate to say it. Lerone had a better shot of making it than he did.
Melissa: Yeah, that’s a lot of competition for Ricky Bobby. Speaking of which, when she’s touring the globe, where’s Ricky Bobby?
Rachel: Oh, thank you previews! Look at them answering your question just as you ask it. She’s going to be with her every step of the way.
Melissa: Ah, yep, there you have it. And it looks like she has a bunch of sissy criers too, this season.
Rachel: DAYUM! She just told a guy to get the “F” out… I just upped my respect factor for her. I look forward to that episode. BTW, nothing wrong with a man crying… though I have a feeling I’ll retract that statement this season.
Get A Load Of This
Melissa: Really?? F me sideways.
Rachel: Ick. If the bod came with a decent personality, I’d be licking the TV. But all I can say is, “Get over yourself.”
Melissa: You have to love the egos on this show.
Rachel: Seriously, but you know that’s about all he has to offer.
Melissa: Ya think? Bye bye, Jackson.
Melissa: Yes, if the previews are any indication, we have a bunch of criers this season… I smell a new drinking rule!!
Rachel: I’m hoping with the men out of their suits, they’ll start to look a little less like a bad Men’s Wearhouse ad and become a little more interesting.
Melissa: I predict the most mind-numbingly boring season to date… Yes, Chris Harrison, you may use my line any time. I’m not thrilled with the lack of “suki suki” presence this season, but I’ve got my money on Doug to start strong (kids are chick magnets), though I think the whole “where to live” will become an issue. Truth be told, I don’t like any of these others enough yet to start my bracket – maybe it’s the booze talking (that was rough first round), but they all started to blur into an amalgamation of hopeful suitors.
Rachel: I like Doug too, but I think his star will start to fade after she spends some time with other guys. My early predictions for frontrunners are Arie and Ryan. I’d even go so far as to say I see them in Final Four. That’s what my gut is telling me… Well, that and put down the wine glass.