Real Housewives of New Jersey: Third Eye Blind

One Sentence Summary:  It’s bye-bye Ashlee, and hello hell-breaking-loose when Teresa’s comments set off another firestorm.

I thought sending Ashlee to Vegas would rid my life of drama.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   Well, as we can see from the previews, the Jersey shit hits the fan this week.  Let’s be honest, the whole fake “we are at peace with Teresa” routine was as transparent as Lindsay Lohan’s shirts.  No one believed it.  Not for a second.  But maybe they were just waiting for a nice party to ruin.  I mean you can’t have a fight in the privacy of your own home, or Jersey Shore home for that matter, I guess.  So, I guess there’s a white party of some sort tonight so that seems like a good time to throw the first grenade.  Should be a barn burner.  I’ll be washing the aspirin I’m taking for the headache that I know is coming from the screaming down with my Skinnygirl Margarita tonight.  Yes, I know it’s seis de mayo, but I’m on day 2 of the celebration.  Can you blame a girl?  BTW, these aren’t bad for 100 calories.  And since my grandmother whipped up a pitcher so graciously, how could I say no?

Melissa:  Nothing can upset me with this week’s RHONJ… Ashlee is gone.  Then again, we will be treated to more Teresa craziness.  But that being said, I have fortified myself with a lovely glass of Seghesio Zinfandel waiting to ease any pain Teresa’s shrill voice will cause this week.  I’m being promised gossip, so let’s bring it on ladies.  What’s the dish?

The Shore

Don’t worry.  I’ll make sure you’ll have a proper evil eye.

Melissa’s What Happened:  More of Joe Giudice “working out”?  We get it dude, you work out, you’re in awesome shape… Maybe try a sit up to work off that belly of yours.  Jacqueline and Chris are the first to arrive for the hang-out and cruise on Joe’s friend Mark’s boat.  Joe wants to pop a bottle of champagne all over Rich to watch him cry like a bitch.  Ugh, with the testosterone fest already?  You got hit.  Deal!  Teresa shares her frustration with Jacqueline over the articles that are coming out and what they are saying.  Well my dear, if you don’t want the details to get out there, don’t call them and sell them the story.  It’s much easier to deny the stories if you weren’t being interviewed in your kitchen and posing at the beach for them.  The rest of the crew arrives as Teresa dishes on her comments about Melissa ditching her husband for a man with more money… Because that’s the way she makes Teresa feel.  Never mind that pointing that out to your brother is going to upset him.  There’s an icy reception for Rich from Joe… Again. grow up.  Sh*t happens.  Just deal with it.  Maybe if you didn’t go for his junk, he wouldn’t have hit you with a candlestick… Just sayin.

Rachel:  Do we have to start with Joe shirtless again?  What’s with the having to watch him do his 5 minutes of arms every week?  How about some crunches Joe?  And I love that these two are now saying that Joe almost lost his eye because of that “geek” Rich.  They’re such drama queens.  Everyone is always out to get them.  Nothing is ever their fault.  They’re like a couple of 4-year-olds crying for attention.  Not enough words to describe how much I want to duct tape their mouths shut.  Of course, if it were Teresa saying it, it would be duck tape.  And here we go again, Teresa is justifying her telling her brother his wife would leave him for a man with more money.  Yeah, no justification for it Teresa no matter what your lame excuse is.  You’re just jealous of her and trying to cause problems in their marriage.  Period.  We can all see it.  How about you stop talking trash to rag magazines and then people can’t be up in your business about the things you say.  Well, at least, it won’t be in print… Just on TV.

I Wanna Be Rich – And Skinny

I know you’re on a crazy diet that makes you evil, but try being this nice to your mother

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile at Caroline’s, Lauren is mixing her morning shake and confessing that she cried the first day of her diet.  She feels a lot of pressure to be successful (and rich) and thinks being skinny might help her be more accepted by her parents.

Rachel:  Ah yes, the BS diet Lauren is on.  Why do people think if they starve themselves on shakes, lose all the weight and then go back to eating the way they did before the diet, they’ll stay skinny?  Just eat healthy.  You can’t live on shakes forever… especially if you’re going to be cranky and call your mother a rag dog.  What is a rag dog, BTW?  And can someone explain to me how her being skinny is going to make her rich?  Oh I see, if she’s skinny, she’ll be on the same playing field as her brothers.  Wait, no, I’m still confused.  Maybe she should go to some therapy as well as her non-nutritionist nutritionist.  It’s certainly not that she’s not getting emotional support at home.

Off To Sea

Please don’t leave me with Satan’s spawn!!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Kathy worries about all the kids hanging out right by the water, while the adults head out for their boating trip.  But it’s poor Rosie who is left behind to try to manage the Giudice children, who don’t listen to their own parents let alone another relative.  Yeah, that’s right, let’s let the kids play in the street.  You go and enjoy your boat ride.

On the boat, Jacqueline shares Ashlee’s success with the ladies. Seems Vegas is the right fit for her… Um, yeah… Because it’s a 24/7 party.  Teresa thinks Caroline is cold and bitchy to her because she’s going through menopause.  Yes Teresa, it has nothing to do with you insulting her and her family and then not apologizing for it.  Not to be ignored for the brutal attack on him, Joe brings up his black eye.  Oh man.  For real people, it was an accident that Joe provoked.

Rachel:  So, Teresa doesn’t want to talk to her family about jail.  Just the press.  Seems like a great plan.  Yes, monetary compensation for your story is such a comfort when your husband is in jail.  And let’s not get me started with the 700 kids playing in traffic.  Back on the boat, conversation turns to Ashlee and how she’s learning to use a computer.  Say what?  She’s 20 and she doesn’t know how to use a computer?  How did she make it through high school?  I mean I didn’t know how to use a computer in high school, but that was mostly because they didn’t exist.  And yeah Teresa, Caroline is being a bitch to you because of menopause.  Just one more chapter in your book of denial.

Poor Rosie.  How did she draw the short stick and get stuck with all these kids?  And why do Kathy’s kids have to hang out with the band of gypsies?  Not enough money in the world for me to take that job on.

And we’re back to the black eye.  Teresa wishes it was Richie and not Joe.  And on and on and on she goes.  How does this woman think that all her digs can be smoothed over if she just says “It’s a joke.”  It’s not a joke if it’s not funny.  And let me tell you what you are not… Funny.  Someone push Joe Giudice off the boat, please!

Alpha Bitches

Family night dinner at the Manzo’s always comes with a side of ball-busting

Melissa’s What Happened:  As Lauren and Vito make dinner for the family, Albert jokingly comments (I assume jokingly because I adore Albert and he can do no wrong) that, if the Manzo boys had boys, Lauren and Vito’s boys would kick their asses because they’ll be huge – Little Koalas who can’t control their arms and breathe heavy.  Man, this is a tough house.  Poor Lauren shuts down when around her brothers because she hates the way she looks.  You know what, I’m going to have to get my Lauren pom-poms out again this season.  I love you girl, and I can’t believe your self-esteem is so low.  I don’t care if your brothers were super models, you’re still awesome and shouldn’t compare yourself to them.  I have to crack up at Albie referring to Lauren on her diet and Caroline’s menopause as the alpha bitches.  I crack up because he’s going to get his ass handed to him when they both see that comment.

Rachel:  OK, let me pause for a moment here and ask a serious question.  Everyone keeps saying how Lauren feels insecure because she compares herself to her two good-looking brothers.  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty sure she only has one good-looking brother, Albie.  I don’t find Chris to be attractive, at all.  In fact, I think Lauren is a prettier girl than Chris is a handsome guy.  Yeah, he’s got charisma and self-esteeem galore.  I give him that.  But good-looking?  I missed the memo on that one.  Just me?

Down The Shore

Shhhh… I found the Scotch and poured it in the kids’ sippy cups.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Jacqueline takes a sentimental moment to point out what a great looking group everyone is, and how they should just have a wonderful time.  Yes, because as long as you’re good looking, no bad times can be had.  Back on shore, Rosie has finally turned to the jug o’ wine as a starter for the scotch she’s hoping to hit now that the crew has returned home.

Rachel:  Teresa’s kids are wholly out of control.  Gia is so going to need a whole lot of therapy.  Poor child is a parent to her sisters and privy to way too much of the drama of her own parents.  Then, add to the fact that they don’t actually talk to her about what’s going on, you’ve got some trouble coming your way.  Take a look at Ashlee, Teresa.  That’s nothing compared to what’s in store for you.

Solstice Pre-Party

Yes, Teresa is a bully and needs to be taken down. Plus, we love the Chanel purse.

Melissa’s What Happened:  The ladies are off to a Summer Solstice Party to clear up negative energy.  Ha, that’s funny.  Jacqueline shares with Caroline that the talk on the boat did, in fact, turn to her at one point and her starting menopause.  Caroline takes it in stride and says she’s allowed to have a bad day now and again.  Melissa arrives to talk about the conversation between her husband and Teresa and the “she’s going to leave you” comment.  Oh that’s right, that’s not going to sit with Caroline.  Melissa has been giving Teresa a lot of passes lately to keep the peace.  Girl, I think it’s time for you to stop handing out your passes, lob a can of whoop ass at that girl and put her in her place.  Caroline thinks Teresa is being a bully to everyone around her.

In other pre-party talks, Teresa tries to explain to Kim D about her comments about Melissa.  I can’t believe she honestly sees no wrong in what she said.

Rachel:  So I guess you have to wear white to celebrate the summer solstice and get your tarot cards read.  But before we can do sun salutations, Melissa tells Caroline about Teresa’s little “leave for a richer man” barb.  Jacqueline is still trying to protect Teresa, mostly because she’s scared of her.  Kind of like how she let Ashlee get away with her bad behavior for so long because she didn’t want to confront her.  Sensing a trend here Jacqueline?  Caroline, on the other hand, could care less about the niceties and calls Teresa out, which is why I love Caroline as much as I do.

So Kim D & Kim G will friend anyone that can get them some camera time is what I’m seeing here.  And they will say whatever they need to say to pretend they’re on said person’s side to get them some camera time.  How are they still getting away with this?  And here’s another thing, Teresa, if you have to constantly defend a statement you made to everyone you know, there’s probably a problem with it.

Solstice Party

I’m just trying to ruin your marriage and destroy you… what’s so bad about that?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Tia, the psychic, is welcoming everyone to her party by passing out the infamous “3rd eye” to open up the guests’ chakras.  Caroline opts to take the table to the side of Teresa.  Rosie, who is apparently this season’s pot stirrer, pulls Teresa aside to talk to her about her comments to Joe about Melissa.  I like Rosie as the voice of reason.  FINALLY, we have a voice of reason.  Jacqueline tries to dodge Teresa when she asks her if Melissa has shared the conversation with her, and tells Teresa to ask Melissa herself.

So Teresa calls Melissa over and starts digging in to get answers to what Melissa knows and why Joe didn’t call when her hubby was in jail.  The reason he didn’t call was because when Joe tried to call over about the bankruptcy she denied it and said she didn’t want to talk.   Then, when Joe was going to jail for the DUI and he called… Well, we don’t know because Teresa doesn’t want to talk about that and apparently told Melissa not to use the word “jail”.  When it turns to prison talk, it’s Teresa’s cue to leave and gets up to walk out.  Jacqueline doesn’t understand why Teresa has to leave and has a meltdown in the parking lot.

Jacqueline goes back and fetches Melissa for Teresa with the caveat that they aren’t to discuss any legal issues.  Teresa tries to tell Melissa that she’d been hearing things about her singing career and how she was going to be out at clubs all the time.  You know, where men hang out.  So clearly, she needed to warn Joe.  Melissa points out that Teresa might be the problem here.  That she’s tearing the family apart.  Teresa says it’s up to Melissa to bring them together.  Um, why is it Melissa’s charge to “bring the family together”?  I really don’t understand any of Teresa’s argument.  Melissa takes the high ground and walks away.  Gee Teresa, why does Joe tell his wife everything?  It’s called marriage, and when you have a good marriage, you share everything with each other.

Rachel:  Rosie, Rosie, Rosie… Why you gotta start with Teresa?  Seriously.  Don’t poke the beast.  And now it’s on.  Why here?  Why now?  And Caroline is so right, Teresa totally bullies Jacqueline.  Teresa storms out because Melissa said “jail”.  Um, did your husband go to jail or not?  Last I checked you weren’t afraid of talking to the press about it.  And why is Jacqueline having a martyr moment?  The victim thing is ridiculous already.  Wait, how long have they been sitting out in the parking lot trying to coax Teresa back in?  It was daylight when this started and now it’s night.  This is so stupid.  Why can’t they just agree to dislike each other peacefully?  Teresa is insane and you can’t fight insane.

Side Bar:  Anyone else think Teresa’s boobs sit about 3 inches too low?

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  I don’t understand why any of them are still engaging with Teresa.  You really want to upset her?  Freeze her out.  Feeding into her crazy just gives her what she wants; attention.

Melissa:  Wow, that was another fun peek at Teresa’s craziness.  I really don’t get how anyone even speaks to her anymore.


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