One Sentence Summary – Time to get one last hit of our Texas ladies before they go on summer break.
Rachel: OK, just let me say right now that if this show tonight is another one of those BS bait-and-switch jobs like we saw two weeks ago in that Behind The Scenes nonsense, I’m gonna be pissed. So much so that I may even throw my Skinnygirl margarita at the screen. Well, probably not. I’m not going to waste good alcohol on these women… or any women really. That’s why I’ve never understood the whole throwing a drink in someone’s face. Other than the fact that it’s straight up tacky, it’s also wasting a perfectly good cocktail, which is not cool. Not cool at all. But, I’m thinking that the powers that be over at the Style Network know we won’t settle for any half-assed special. We want new interviews and new material and new dirt. So, let’s see what gift they’ve bestowed on us this evening as we bid adieu to our Texas ladies for the season.
Leslie & Bonnie & Pam, Oh My!
Well, lookie at Pam looking all, um, rested and festive in yellow. Visit the magic man after shooting ended, Pam? Anyway, we’re here to revisit the friendships that took some hits this season like Bonnie & Leslie’s after Pam told Bonnie that Leslie hooked Tyler up with Whitney for social status. Leslie was heartbroken about the rift between she and Bonnie. Bonnie seems a little less heartbroken when she says she doesn’t care. That’s right. Don’t screw with Bonnie. And even though Whitney brokered peace between the two, she says she used Leslie to get back in the club and actually hates her. Leslie says she & Bonnie talk once a week but she’s hoping it will get back to where it once was. I think she’s the only one wishing that. Don’t worry, Bonnie will have more plastic surgery soon enough and you can come over again with balloons.
As for Pam’s relationship, or lack thereof, with Leslie, she has no interest in any kind of peace treaty. While she may have said she doesn’t want Leslie living in Texas, she says Leslie can actually live wherever she wants as long as it’s not in her town. How very generous of her. Pam’s reasoning is that she believes Leslie is on a mission to bother her. Uh, who goes on a mission just to “bother” someone? That seems like a colossal waste of time. Bonnie thinks Pam’s just jealous of Leslie. She says that maybe Ignacio made a comment to Pam about wanting Leslie. Somehow I doubt that happened. I think there’s a better chance of Pam’s book becoming a Nobel Prize winner then Ignacio lusting after Leslie.
And before we can move on, we are reminded of Pam’s classic line about Leslie’s vagina being “rated E for everyone”. Leslie wants to know why she’s even interested in her “ver-gina”. Yeah, I don’t think she’s as much interested in your anatomy as she is calling you a whore. Just sayin’…
Well well, seems our Fashionista friends are now wise to Leslie’s little “play innocent” game. At first, they both thought Leslie was just a sweet lady being picked on by mean ol’ Pam. Now looking back, Leeanne feels used and it seems like Leslie only wanted to be part of the Fashionistas to torture Pam. Ah, isn’t hindsight 20/20, especially when it’s on video? Guess someone’s not going to get that unanimous vote for the board. Sadly, we have to wait until next season to find out for sure. Personally, I’d give them both the boot.
When The Men Get Involved
In case we weren’t clear on Bonnie and Pam’s disdain for each other, Bonnie tells us that she dislikes Pam because she acts superior. Pam says Bonnie always instigates. She never starts with Bonnie… except when she called her on the phone to scream about her kid being on Hannah’s couch. Speaking of which… Hey, Jason washed his hair! He says their beef is just two women trying to establish dominance. Yes, just like pit bulls. Having had enough of the fighting himself, Pam’s husband Ignacio apparently got in Bonnie’s face too. Bonnie didn’t like that and said that Ignacio had better hope he doesn’t pull that in front of Jason. Igancio isn’t scared because if Jason touches him, he’s going to the FBI. First, let me say that it’s never cool for a dude to get in a woman’s face like that. Ever. No excuse. Second, what the hell would the FBI want with this nonsense? I’d love to be on the other end of that call. I’m sure that’s exactly what they need to be doing with their time – fighting terrorism and getting in the middle of reality show stars’ beefs. Ignacio has no comment when they ask him about it. Really? You can’t defend bawling out a woman and threatening to call the FBI? Shocker.
Whitney & Kalyn
More crazy girl fights are discussed when we revisit the battle of Tyler’s loves. Kalyn’s got no time for Whitney because she doesn’t like to deal with people who like to start drama. You mean like girls who come up with fake pregnancy scares to get a boy’s attention? That kind of drama? Well, Whitney isn’t sad their friendship is over either. Wait, were they ever friends? Uh, momentito, I need to pause here to discuss Kalyn’s dress choice. Oh sweetie, no. Look, I’m not ragging on your weight like a lot of people are doing. I’m just saying that there are flattering and unflattering options for all body types. What’s not flattering on you, at this moment in time, is the tight, bright red dress you’ve chosen to wear, on TV, when you’ll be sitting on a stool no less. Sorry, just had to call that one out. Ok, got that out of my system. Anywho, back to the topic at hand… Seems Leslie thinks that Whitney cried after her fight with Kalyn because she got beat by an 18 year old. Yeah, right. That’s why. Whitney says it was adrenaline. I’m apt to go with Whitney on this one.
But their little tiff didn’t just ruin a few of the club’s glasses. Seems word got out that Kalyn got into a physical altercation and she had her Miss Petite Teen title taken away because of that. Or maybe because you no longer qualify as petite? Sorry, it was right there. Sometimes I just can’t hep but grab the low-hanging fruit jokes. Leslie says that at least Kalyn can say she was de-crowned where Melissa can’t say that because she was simply pregnant. Say what? How does that make sense on any planet? And how is that better or worse?
Oh now Whiney & Kalyn are together for our reviewing pleasure. Kalyn says she just wanted to ask Whitney to leave the pageant. She didn’t want to start a fight and she pushed her simply because Whitney got in her face. Well, Whitney only got in her face because Kalyn told her too. Mature. Bonnie says Kalyn had it out for her & plotted the whole run-in with Tyler. I don’t think she went as deep as plotting the whole thing (mostly because I don’t think she’s that deep to begin with), but I’m sure she had every intention of coming between them. Whitney does admit that she feels badly for Kalyn because Tyler used her and no girl should be treated that way. For that, Kalyn has a new level of respect for Whitney and says she thinks that they could be friends if they can sit and talk about it. No go from Whitney who says she can’t forgive being pushed.
Now it’s time to decide who the best mommy of the show is. Competition is fierce. Right off the bat, Bonnie is disqualified since Whitney says she’s 24 and she doesn’t need a parent. Bonnie agrees and says that she is Whitney’s bank and friend. Um no, you’re her mother. No matter what age. At least that’s what my mother keeps telling me. Pam says she doesn’t agree with Bonnie’s parenting, in case that hadn’t been made clear yet, because she shows her daughter that it’s all about how you look. Leslie calls that “unconventional” parenting. She dangles boobs to get Whitney to behave. Maddie says she thinks seeing her mom get a boob job influenced Whitney to want one. Melissa says she had one and that doesn’t mean Maddie wants one. Wrong. Maddie wants one if her boobs don’t grow more. So much for that theory. Seems maybe Pam’s on to something? Whitney’s still pissed about the deal Bonnie didn’t live up to and is still living in LA. Bonnie would supplement her monetarily if she lived in Dallas and she went to school. More financial bribery. Mother of the year.
Pam, on the other hand, bullies her daughter according to Bonnie. Hannah thinks she’s supportive. Leslie thinks she’s the worst mom on the show, which is hilarious coming from a woman who tried to give her 17-year-old goddaughter liposuction so she could compete in a pageant.
Connie is the votes winner for super mom. Her kids excel at everything. Yeah, I can get behind that vote from what I’ve seen. Heidi says Connie is such a great mom that she needs her Wonder Woman bracelet. Um, no, I need that bracelet. How awesome is that? Remind me to Google that after this show. PS – I did some research and I THINK that the bracelet is a vintage piece by Robert Lee Morris, which means we’ll all just have to covet Heidi’s. Sad face.
Melissa is not exempt from the mommy judging. She says she got a lot of flack for giving Maddie back her car keys and wants to set the record straight that she did not give her the keys back as a bribe. She was going to lose the Jeep for two months and she did. She had been chomping at the bit to get them back. Well, then I guess we’re just supposed to believe it was coincidence that the two months were up the same night she asked Maddie’s forgiveness for the pregnancy bomb. I am not saying that I think she bribed her daughter, but I do think it sweetened the pot. And in a surprise vote, Leslie gives Melissa her vote for being the best mom of the crew… even though she’s mean to her. Yeah, she’s mean to you because you outed her past in front of her daughter… Oh and the entire viewing audience. She might be justified.
Sasquatch With Love
In defense of her smacking her child across the face, Cha Cha tells us that Shaye requires more aggressive parenting. More aggressive than what? An MMA fight? Shaye says she just wants her to live in Amber’s shoes. Ah, sibling rivalry. Shaye says they’re the wrong size shoes and Cha Cha says that’s because she’s a Sasquatch. Yeah. These other women all look like Mother Theresa next to this beatch. Shaye starts crying and says she feels like a disappointment to her. Cha Cha says she’s not a disappointment, but she has to yell at her because she’s so disrespectful. Amber starts crying too because she clearly feels badly for her sister. How can you not feel for this poor child? How does mom respond? She just continues to talk over them. Then we get to see the slap heard ’round the reality world again. Still awful to watch. Melissa, who was abused as a child, was horrified with herself because she didn’t say anything. And though I agree that she probably should have said something, it’s a shocking moment when you’re in it and it’s hard to think clearly. I think we might all have been stunned to silence. Shaye is embarrassed by her own actions, not her moms. Cha Cha doesn’t regret it. It’s just her way of working with Shaye until she gets it right. Gets what right exactly?
Then we see a never-before-seen moment where Melissa calls Cha Cha out in public for slapping Shaye and pulling her hair. Cha Cha says she didn’t pull her hair, but hell yeah she slapped her and she’ll slap her again if she needs it. Wow.
On Second Thought
Speaking of bad parenting decisions, let’s revisit Kalyn & Leslie’s walk down Bad Choice Lane. Cha Cha thinks Leslie was just trying to start a business and, since Kalyn was getting a roof over her head, maybe it was Kalyn using Leslie. Is this woman for real? Did she just really intimate that Kalyn should have to be subjected to Leslie’s crazy pageant insanity so she could keep a roof over her head? Please tell me she will not be invited back next season. Seriously. Leslie said Kalyn wanted to be pushed. So she pushed. She didn’t realize that when she said she was done that she was really done. Yeah, that doesn’t excuse taking a teenager for liposuction. Kalyn says she wanted to punch her for a while. We all did, dear. Leslie justifies the diet pills as well by saying Kalyn is the one that wanted them. Uh, your job as a parent type person is to say “No, you’re beautiful the way you are.” and talk to her about her feelings about her body. The good news is that Kalyn got positive feedback after that episode aired from girls who said she taught them to feel good about their bodies the way they are. OK, that makes me happy to hear.
Leslie also admits that now that she was able to see how Kalyn went to Pam & Melissa with the waterworks, that it was really Kalyn being dramatic and not the women giving her unsolicited advice. Well, Melissa was coming from a good place but Pam was still trying to take advantage. OK, how does that math work?
Of course, Bonnie sees it the same way. Melissa has good intentions. Pam does not. Pam is a meddler. And to support that accusation, Jason says that when he told Pam to deal with Whitney, it isn’t what he meant. He meant it in the sense that it was another situation that Whitney created that he wasn’t going to bail her out of. She has to grow up. Please, we all know you were just happy that she was out of your hair. According to Bonnie, Pam letting Whitney stay in LA wasn’t because Jason pushed Pam to deal with the situation or Pam trying to help her daughter. It was just Pam going out of her way to piss Bonnie off. Yeah, it’s about you, Bonnie. Pam flew all the way to LA to piss you off. Come on.
Nip & Tuck
Time to rattle off the list of procedures all the ladies have had done. It’s like a smorgasbord of plastic surgery. Wow, ain’t a real one in the bunch. Listen, I’m not necessarily against plastic surgery but it’s getting out of control. These women are still pretty “real” looking – minus Bonnie, clearly – but have you taken a gander at some of the other Housewives (yes, I know this isn’t technically a Housewives show)? It’s crazy. I don’t know. I just think we’re all trying so hard to fight Father Time that we’re turning ourselves into Fembots. But talk to me in a couple years when the jowls hit maximum sagitude and the eyelids are drooping into my eyes. We’ll see if I’m still standing on my soap box. I do love that Heidi had her implants out. She gets a tip o’ the hat for that. No more “80’s boobs” for her. Ha ha… I was praying for my boobs to show up in the 80’s. Still am some 20-odd years later.
Leslie brings up Melissa’s de-crowning… Wait, didn’t Leslie just say Melissa wasn’t de-crowned? You know the honor that Kalyn had? She’s such a hypocritical nightmare, this woman. Leslie says she hadn’t even done research to find out if it was true. She heard it from Connie. But turns out that Melissa actually was never Miss Texas. So that somehow justifies Leslie in her own mind. Melissa tells us she was Miss Carrollton and then Miss Dallas IN the Miss Texas pageant. They also set the record straight that it wasn’t Maddie with whom she was pregnant. It was her 21-year-old son Cameron. So all those people out there saying the math didn’t work, this is why. Remember there are sons hidden somewhere out there in Texas.
Birds & Bees & STDs
Oh joy it’s STD talk time and the rumor about Whitney having one… or ten. Cha Cha says it shouldn’t have been about Whitney having an STD as some sort of commentary on her sexuality. It should have been concern for her health. And if it were her kid, she’d be very concerned because that meant they weren’t being safe and using protection. I would also mean they’d end up with a boot up their ass. Jason says you don’t have to be a slut to get an STD. So true, and so deep, Jason. Bonnie says she grew up conservative and isn’t comfortable talking about the “S” word. For those playing at home, the “S” word is sex. So you can’t talk to your daughter about sex even after an STD scare and hearing that she’s having unprotected sex? Are you frigging kidding me, you bonehead? You realize that you keep ignoring that situation and your next conversation will about whether you want to be called “grandma” or “nana”.
Tyler says he didn’t realize he was the one that was responsible for the rumor. Then again, most days Tyler barely realizes he’s awake. He just said “diseases” which could be multiple things. Kalyn says she spread it but that’s not the same as starting it. Well yes dear, we know you spread it for Tyler… in many ways.
And speaking of Tyler…. Yes, here we go. First, we need to discuss the cheating accusation. Oh come on, we all want to get to the real topic at hand. Tyler & Kalyn doin’ the do. But fine, let’s play along. So Tyler texted girls who were his friends. Whitney wasn’t having it. Tyler loved her but she was crazy so she did him a favor by breaking up with him. Can we move on now? We can? Good!
Seems falling for Tyler was a gradual process for Kalyn. He says it grew exponentially. Yeah, I don’t think you know what the word means. I think Kalyn nailed it with “gradually”. Anyway, they set the record straight that they are not indeed related and it was not, therefore, incest. Nope, but it was still gross and inappropriate. Amber puts it succinctly (you can look that one up on your own, Tyler) when she says that if you call someone your brother, like Kalyn did, you don’t sleep with them. Yeah, that seems like a good rule to me too. And the pregnancy scare… Cha Cha is back to Kalyn having a roof over her head. Seems she thinks Kalyn was trying to trap Tyler so she wouldn’t be homeless. You do know she has a mother right?
Seems everyone thinks Kalyn & Tyler are still hooking up. Hand raised over here. They say they still hang out all the time and do everything together, but they’re not dating anymore. Yeah, I bet you do do “everything” together. I don’t think we’ve heard that last of this, especially because it was a ratings goldmine!
This Is How I Roll
And no episode would be complete without a Big Rich Texas-sized brawl. So we revisit the best of the season and discuss fighting styles. Whitney is a glass thrower. Connie is a finger pointer. Melissa is the road block who likes to get in between. Leslie likes to keep her mouth shut so people feel badly for her. Bonnie gets the crowd behind her. Pam likes to tell Bonnie she’s stupid. Bonnie loves to tell her she’s a PhD. Leeanne says it’s like watching a poodle and piranha go at it. Ha, that’s awesome. And so true. Heidi says she likes to make a big entrance and Pam likes to made a big exit. Also true. Ah, who knew there were so many different fighting styles. Oh, those Texas women are so cosmopolitan. But no more fights for us this seasons. Sadly, our road ends here.
Rachel: Ah, time to say adieu to the Texas ladies. Or as Pam would put it, time to say “f**k off” until we next meet. I’m ready for Season Three and the conclusion to the “It’s her or me” ultimatum Pam issued to the Fashionistas. Should be a delicious scene. I can hardly wait. Maybe I’ll join the Fashionistas just so I can watch this go down… There is that small issue of not living in Dallas. Details…
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