Real Housewives of New Jersey: Poker Face

One Sentence Summary:  No matter how she stalls, Bravo manages to shake Ashley… Sorry, Ashlee.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa’s:  Finally, the episode we’ve all been waiting for… Ashlee is moving out.  Oh wait, maybe that’s just the episode I’ve been waiting for.  Anywho, let’s hope Jacqueline keeps her foot down, though we all know she desperately wants Ashlee’s approval and kicking her ass out won’t earn it.  I’m thinking she’s going to fold like a paper airplane.

Rachel:  Well, it’s only Week 2 and I already feel like I have been dragged through the mud with these women.  And by women, I mean Teresa & Ashlee.  At least, one of them is leaving us tonight.  Wouldn’t be mad if it were both of them.  Hint hint.  Nudge nudge.  Oh they can take Joe Giudice with them.  Someone has to carry the luggage.  I’m just thinking of their well-being.  Obviously.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Buy a ticket and walk her to the gate if you have to. DO NOT let her miss that flight!

Melissa’s What Happened:  It’s time for Ashlee to hit the road Jack and go to Vegas.  Poor girl is freaking out because she can’t find anything and isn’t sure if she’s taking the right clothes for Vegas.  Um, figure it out.  Jacqueline enlists Albie to drive Ashlee to the airport because she’s afraid to take her to the airport because she doesn’t want to fight… Excellent backbone Jac, you must be fantastic at yoga.  She also insists that Albie watch to make sure she goes through security because she doesn’t want that child coming home.   Ever.

Rachel:  Seriously, could Jacqueline’s smile be any wider?  I mean if that child were standing at the top of the stairs bitching at me like that, I’d probably be dancing a jig myself.  I’m still confused though as to what exactly is going to be achieved in Vegas.  I mean unless this aunt & uncle live in lock down, I don’t see how that girl is going to not end up on the Strip partying like the wanna-be rock star she’s not.  Am I alone here?  I’m waiting for a confetti to fall from the ceiling & “Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye” to start playing as the door shuts behind Ashlee.

How To Lose Weight The Dermatologist’s Way

Hi, I'm about to make your life hell with my crazy unsustainable diet of egg whites and berries.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Lauren and Caroline seek the advice of Dr. Perricone of Perricone Cosmetics to help Lauren with her weight problems.  Lauren’s career didn’t quite kick off as she had hoped at Chateau and she didn’t think she was getting the respect she deserved and was seen as her mother’s daughter so she quit.  Part of what is also holding her back, they think, is that she works in a very visual industry and her weight is judged.  So, the doctor thinks he can help her.  Her recommended diet is going to be egg whites, berries and cocoa powder.  Yum.

Rachel:  I like Lauren.  I’d like to see her succeed.  However, I’d like to smack her upside her head right now.  I don’t know why I can’t lose weight.  I’ve tried everything including eating a diet of pasta, sausages & cheese.  Uh, it doesn’t matter if you’re not eating a lot.  You’re not going to lose weight eating that.  Duh!  You know Dr. Perricone is sitting there like, seriously?  And riddle me this one, why are they at a dermatologists asking for diet tips?  Are the going to the gynecologist after this to get a hearing test?  Anyway, I think this insane diet of twigs and berries is setting her up for failure, but what do I know.

Belly Up Pizza

Another venture down the drain. It's hard to run a legitimate business.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Joe & Teresa take a trip to their pizza shop venture which is “closed for summer vacation”, which is code for “out of business”.  While there,  Joe admits to Teresa that he doesn’t know how to turn off the alarm (he never did), which speaks volumes to me on how he is such a successful business man (note my sarcasm font).  Joe also didn’t have his driver’s license so it was hard for him to get back and forth to the shop. Since he couldn’t be there all the time, things didn’t go well & he had to give up the restaurant.  Teresa looks at the positive side… Failure will make them stronger.  They should be Hulk strong by now if that’s true.  So what’s next for Joe?  He is planning on taking over the gas station across the street and putting up a “gorgeous building” for people 55 and over.  Never mind that the person who owns the gas station is going to be evicted and lose his business.  Nice.

Rachel:  Do I feel badly for Joe?  Nope.  Is that probably mean?  Maybe.  Do I care ? Nope.  You reap what you sow, my friend.  Couldn’t get back & forth because your license was suspended.  Whose fault is that?  And Teresa, way to be sympathetic.  She’s sad that she won’t get food brought home now, but hey, at least the girls are happy that he’ll be around now.  Yeah… Just what his ego needed.  Oh I’m sorry.  It seems he has learned nothing from this as he plans on taking down someone else’s business so he can piss away more money they don’t have.  Hey it’s a gas station… It’s not a big deal.  Oh he drives me insane.

Family Business

You have to check up on your people to make sure they aren't taking a little off the top.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Rich & Kathy’s son Joseph has been elected class president and needs to learn that you can’t just make it on charisma alone.  So it’s lesson time.  Rich & Kathy want Joseph to make the most out of his life and give himself a bright future.  So, Rich takes him to one of his gas stations (The one Joe is going to close down for the retirees???) to show him how important hard work and hiring good employees is.  Well, mostly hiring well as he only shows up about once a month.  Naturally, Joseph is bored almost to sleep.  He says he would rather get into real estate than the family business, because in real estate he doesn’t have to follow the rules all the time.  Oh, I weep for the future if this is the mentality of the next generation.

Rachel:  Really?  You show up once a month and that’s showing your kid hard work?  But I can’t really give him too much crap seeing as how he is successful and he is trying to teach his kid that hard work is the right way.  Not taking short cuts like, as he says, some other people he knows.  Gee, I wonder if he’s referring to Joe Giudice…  Hmmm….

Freedom Ride

No, for real, get on the plane or I'm going to catch hell for years.

Melissa’s What Happened:  On the way to the airport Ashlee has a panic attack wishing she was 21 so she could get a drink to relax.  She’s serious too about her need for alcohol relaxation.  So serious she took a straw to a bottle of Nyquil once.  No you didn’t, dumb ass.  Albie, you sage.  You nailed it… Ashley DOES think she’s Ke$ha and the world will be handed to her on a platter… Brilliant observation.  What do you want to bet she ditches her flight?  I’m calling it now folks.

Rachel:  Is it possible to be dumber than this girl?  Nyquil through a straw.  She didn’t know planes could crash until she saw Castaway.  And she doesn’t know how to figure out what flight she’s on or what terminal it’s in.  It’s fascinating how much her mother enabling her behavior has contributed to her becoming a complete moron.  Or, as Albie put it, Ke$ha.  Same thing.

Lap Of Luxury

Baby, low income housing is what pays the bills!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa stops in with Gino to visit Joe at work with a family photo collage for his office.  They go for a walk and look at the buildings they own and how there is one for each of their kids so they don’t have to work half as hard as their dad when they grow up.  Wait, they have buildings for their kids?  I don’t get it.  Is he a slum lord?  I’m totally picturing Joe Pesci as the Super.

Rachel:  So, I’m sensing that this episode is all about work ethic… Who has a strong one and who doesn’t.  Clearly, Rich & Joe Gorga are the hard workers, while Joe Guidice is the slacker.  Are we going to the Brownstone next?

Not So Much Leaving On A Jet Plane

I'm baaaaack!

Melissa’s What Happened:  So, somehow Ashlee is in the airport and still manages to miss her flight.  I TOLD YOU SHE’D “MISS” THE FLIGHT!!  I know how that girl operates.  That alone deserves a kick in the ass and to be left at the airport all night!  Poor Albie has to make the call to Chris that Ashlee missed her flight.  Yeah, she should have been walked to the gate and put on the plane like the 6-year-old that she is.  Seems that Ashlee missed her flight because she was busy searching the airport for a Dunkin Donuts.  At least that’s what she Tweeted to the world.  And it’s her bad luck in airports that caused her to miss her flight.  No sweetie, it’s not bad luck.  It’s low IQ.

Rachel:  Are you kidding me?  She really is a mental midget.  I wonder if there an exception to the “no one goes past security without a ticket” rule if you’re escorting someone as incompetent as Ashlee.  And how do you get lost looking for a Dunkin Donuts?  It’s not like you can go very far.  Lord, she sucks.

Wait, What About Me?

Everyone, come on, I want to talk about myself.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Sorry Jacqueline, shit doesn’t “just happen” when Ashlee is concerned.  While everyone arrives at Jacqueline’s for family dinner, in strolls Ashlee looking like she pulled the best one over on everyone.  My question is, how is it that she found her way back home instead of staying at the airport for her next flight in a few hours?  She can’t get to the gate but she can get home?  I wish to God each person there would kick her square in the ass.  Methinks someone needs to buy an extra ticket to walk her to her actual seat.

Enough of that drama, Teresa and Joe finally arrive so it’s time for their drama.  Teresa keeps trying to make some sort of announcement to the group, but no one is paying her any attention.  I love that Teresa keeps trying to talk and everyone strategically talks over her.  She finally commandeers the conversation and tries, yet again, to apologize for the cookbook comments.  No one cares.  Wow, that apology went over like a fart in church.  Rich wants to know if she’s going to pull it from the shelves and reprint it without the comments.  Nope.  You know, she says good things about some people in there too.  Her first book with chock full of great things about her family.  So much so that people tell her that it’s a fantastic read.  Is she trying to say her book is hard to put down?  It’s a cookbook, not a Clancy novel.  Melissa says they’ll take one for the team so she can make some extra cash.  Nice dig.  OK, let’s play poker!  The guys head off for a little game of Texas Hold ‘Em and last we hear is the guys yelling “Richie”.  Um, what just went down?

Rachel:  I am now screaming at the TV.  That’s what this child does to me.  I just want to smack the smug look off her face.  It’s quite amazing how one can be so smug and so vacant all at the same time.  Dying her hair blonde was the smartest thing she’s done in a long time.  Now, she is living proof that blonde jokes are actually true.  Sorry, Melissa.  And as for Teresa, way to not read a room and suck all the energy out of it trying to make it all about you… again.

The Morning After

Are you kidding me sending pictures of that ass thinking it will impress my boy??

Melissa’s What Happened:  Oh, now this is good, Joe Guidice got a black eye and a bloody nose falling on a candlestick at the party last night.  Apparently, he’s not a fan of the short jokes coming his way and tried to grab Rich’s business end (for some reason) as a way to prove he’s as much man as Rich. Rich, not being interested in having Joe cup his balls, went to throw him down on the couch, and well, it ended in a black eye and bloody nose.

Meanwhile, as Rich is explaining his side of the story and talking to Joseph about a party he’s attending, Kathy finds an email that the family Twitter is linked to.  Seems a girl has sent naked pictures of herself to Joseph because she thinks he’s hot.  Kathy replies that she should do more with her beauty than send naked pictures to her 15-year-old son.  The girl in question responds with an “lol”.  Wow, this makes me weep for girls today.

Rachel:  So it was Rich with a candlestick in the cellar, eh?  Nice.  That guy’s going to keep tripping over his karma.  Meanwhile, I’m with Melissa here on the weeping for the future of girls today.  When did we go so far off the rails teaching young women nothing about self-respect?  It’s so sad.

Recording Studio

If I pretend to sing to him, I might think of his toxins and vomit.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa is back in the studio with Corté Ellis recording a new track… Hopefully it will help me get “On Display” out of my head every time I look at her.  She’s struggling with singing the song and Corté suggests she sing TO him to get it right.

Rachel:  Oh boy, here we go again. Well, she does have a better voice than Luanne.  And Kim.  Combined.

Mr. Mom, He Ain’t

Lord it's going to be a long night, yeah, fill me up!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Joe’s a far cry from Mr. Mom with the kids even though this is his new role according to Teresa… Well, maybe after he pours himself a glass of wine, laughs everything off, and threatens to kick all the kids asses, he might be.  Oh and then ignores that fact his kid is bleeding.  Chris & the Manzo boys come over to help keep Joe company, since he can’t drive on his own.  Meanwhile, Teresa’s at her book signing fielding comments about Joe.  But it’s ok because being in the gossip rags helps her sell books.  Back at home, Joe takes pleasure in showing off his brother-in-law’s woes that were in today’s newspaper.  He also says he’s a believe in karma and he’s had his, but he’s managed to survive.  We’ll see if his brother-in-law can do the same.

Rachel:  Just shaking my head.  Nothing left to say.

Every Time Is Like The First Time

Song, schmong. Time to get rid of my toxins.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Over an intimate dinner for two, Joe shares his thoughts that maybe Melissa is preggers, but no… Her baby maker is closed for business.  Ugh, and we had to hear about his poison again.  I swear, were my husband to start dropping that I’d drop him.  Her special surprise is a song for Joe.  Yeah, I’m sure he cares, well unless she gets naked while he listens… No, I’m sorry it turns him on regardless and up he carries her to remove his toxin… Anyone else’s flesh crawling?

Rachel:  Mine is!  He really knows how to seduce a woman.  Although he does get credit for how much he really does just love his wife… even if it’s wallpapered in smarmy commentary.

Departure Attempt, Take Two

No kidding, I'm going to create any problem I can think of just to get attention so I can have my own show and just make money doing nothing.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Time to leave again and poor Ashlee doesn’t have her iPod to fly.  So she took a Xanax to help get her through it.  Apparently, she’s afraid of everything, which is how she got the Xanax prescription.  Well, everything but a drink would be my guess.  You’d think if she hated her life so badly she’d do something to change it.  Wait, but that would require her to actually DO something.  While Ashlee is escorted to her plane by Chris, Jacqueline is home worrying that Ashlee will get more depressed and hold it against her.  So she goes to Ashlee’s room and looks through old photos wondering why her daughter doesn’t love her.  Jacqueline wants her to have everything.  Well, maybe if she actually respected what she does have, she would have everything.

Rachel:  Oh Jacqueline, please stop already.  The martyr thing is old and how you got into this predicament in the first place.  I say peace out to Miss Ashlee.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  Ah, what is that weight lifted from my shoulders?  Could it be Ashlee’s departure?  I might start enjoying this season!!

Rachel: Can we put Teresa & Joe Giudice on the plane with Ashlee?  Please!


2 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Poker Face

  1. Hilarious, as usual.
    Ashley is THE WORST.
    I love Chris (Jacqueline’s husband)! How can we get Bravo to drop all these other idiots and just give us an hour of him every week?

    • Ashlee actually hurts my brain. It just seems impossible to be that much of an idiot in real life. I love Chris as well… but I’d be sad without Caroline. Maybe they just need to branch off and do The Manzos… or would it be The Lauritas?

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