One Sentence Summary: The Jersey ladies kick off a new season and deal with the fallout from Teresa’s cookbook while hanging at the Jersey Shore.
Melissa: The Jersey Girls are back and you know what that means… fights that only stray dogs can hear, Teresa is more in love with herself than before (oh, and remind me to tell you about her upcoming book signing) and Joe Gorga is going to complain that his sperm is toxic. Strap yourself in kids, it’s going to be a crazy ride this season.
Rachel: Well, as much as it pains me to do so, I can’t leave my partner out on her own again to suffer through these crazy New Jersey women. I’m not 100% sure I caught all of what went down last season, but I’m pretty sure it won’t take a brain surgeon to parse together the missing pieces. I mean I know that Teresa is a banana and has totally lost her mind, Jacqueline didn’t show up for the reunion last year because she used to be a stripper, Ashlee is an unlikable spoiled brat and Melissa is on display each and every day, correct? Listen, as long as my girl Caroline is still with us, I’m gonna be just fine. I think… And yet, my gut is telling me that I’m going to really regret this decision.
Fall Out Cabana
Melissa’s What Happened: Wait, what’s with the hookah at the BBQ? Sorry, distracted by shiny things. All the folks… Well let’s just say all the Gorgas and Wakiles are back to dish on Teresa’s unflattering comments about them in her cookbook, which it seems Joe had not yet read. So luckily they have a copy of the cookbook close by that they can read to him to catch him up. They think Teresa’s lost. Um no… she’s in the middle of what my genius partner calls a fame aneurism. I mean I get you need to make what you can in your 15 minutes, and Teresa is just capitalizing on it as best she can, but she’s even more over the top than I could have ever imagined.
Rachel: So now we get to see what went down for Jacqueline to not show up to the reunion. And it starts with Melissa in a bikini… Yeah, that would piss me off too. Seriously, how has she had three kids? Or is it two? Either way, I can only say one thing: bitch. Wow, look at Kathy’s sister, Rosie, would ya? Where was she last season? She could have kicked Teresa’s bony ass up & down the street saving her sister from some serious heartache. And we’re back to the cookbook, which Melissa said she didn’t want Joe to hear about… so let’s read it to him! C’mon lady, did you think that was going to stay under wraps? We’ve got a TV show to film! Why are Melissa and Kathy defending Teresa? I know they’re trying to forge a family truce, but I’m not buying what they’re selling. No one’s that benevolent. I mean Teresa’s been a jealous attack dog and it’s not going to change… But Joe says it’s because she’s living an unhappy life. Insert giant eye roll and the passe, but appropriate, whatever. Rosie on the other hand would just prefer to rip her heart out and eat it…. I actually think she will. For fun. Ah, I love that everyone is so mellow and trying to be peacekeepers. Oh, silly silly people.
Mea Culpa and Macaroni
Melissa’s What Happened: Caroline and Jacqueline are still smarting a bit from Teresa’s digs in her cookbook, but they are going to try not to relive it. Ashlee is out at a party and not with her family because the party is more fun. Wait, why is she still living at home? Wait, platinum blonde? Oh, and there goes my eye… twitching away. Teresa wants to clear the air with Caroline over the book and what she wrote in it… They misread what she wrote, it was all meant as a joke. Teresa sees no wrong with anything that she’s written in her cookbook. Caroline is ready to just move on and let T be who she is. Wise choice my friend, just don’t turn your back on her.
Rachel: I love that Caroline and her brood say they don’t want to confront Teresa because it’s not worth it, yet they’re all super pissed. This won’t last. It’s going to take one snide remark from Teresa and the dam is going to burst. But hold the phone, did they just say Ashlee is a platinum blonde now? Oh my… This I have to see. But after I see it, I’d like Ashlee to go away and not speak for the rest of the season. And in come the Giudice’s to a kitchen full of sourpusses. I love that Teresa tries to apologize by saying that Caroline and her family are wrong because they misread it. Yeah, that’s not an apology. That’s one of those “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive but I’ll say I’m sorry to shut you up” apologies. And by the way, Teresa, if these “jokes” are what you consider to be funny, then I’d like to suggest you drop out of the comedy business for good. Leave the funny to professionals… like us.
Melissa: So I’m going to fill you in on the gossip I have here in Sparta (please read that as though I’m a soldier in 300). Seems Miss Teresa is about to grace my town with a book signing at Sparta Books and here’s the email details:
Teresa will ONLY be signing her new book: FABULICIOUS: FAST & FIT.
Teresa writes “Love, Love, Love U” when personalizing books but will not write any other inscriptions. Teresa is happy to have photos taken of her while she is signing but CANNOT pose for photos.
So I can go and get a book signed, but no photographs and no personalization… Hmmm, maybe that’s why you’re doing a book signing in Sparta, Teresa. You know I’m TOTALLY going to have dinner at the sushi place next door just to peek in and see if there are any people showing up.
Jersey Shore Housewives Style
Melissa’s What Happened: Melissa and Joe pack up for some time at their shore house as well as Kathy and Rich’s rental house. I don’t understand why I need to see toys and enhancement gel as part of these packing scenes. Rich still isn’t a fan of Teresa and her comments in her book, and doesn’t really want to be too close to her. Too late, contract says you are all going to your shore houses and have some BBQs together and hang out and drink enough that the snarky comments start and all hell breaks loose… Because that’s what we want to see.
Rachel: So everyone is going to the shore for some more happy family fun. I mean I know they’re getting paid to be on this show so they have to all hang out together, but if it were me, I’d be puling a Kim Richards and saying that I couldn’t make it because I lost my driver’s license.
The family that screams together…
Melissa’s What Happened: The packing continues at Teresa’s with her out of control children. I swear, these people don’t have a volume control at all and when did they get so many dogs? I’ve never seen a dog in this house before.
Rachel: What on earth is wrong with Teresa? Why does she continue to say such nasty things with zero provocation? She’s as out of control as Melissa’s closet. I really want to go in there and rearrange everything, by the way. How does she find anything? Wait, what were we talking about?
Melissa’s What Happened: Ashlee, what the F did you do to your head? For real, that’s bad right there. Jack Bradshaw, Jacqueline’s Life Coach, stops by for a therapy session. I love that Bravo tries to distract me with the term “Life Coach” because they know how much I can’t stand therapy sessions. Meanwhile, I also love how these therapists on the Housewives make house calls. Jacqueline tells us how Miss Ashlee gets all loaded in the city then calls her parents to come pick her up, but Jacqueline doesn’t understand why she can’t make her stop? Hello, it’s called enabling! Let’s forget for a moment that she’s actually underage, tell her to get her drunk ass on a train. Or better yet, just leave her there until she sobers up. OR, and this is really thinking outside of the box. Tell her she can’t go and take her car keys… it’s your car, then change the locks when she sneaks out.
Rachel: Whoa… Ashlee is, um, blonde. Yeah, I’d need a life coach to have to look at that too. BTW, I too love that they’re calling her therapist a life coach. And I’m sorry, did you just say you keep picking up your 20-year-old daughter in the city because she’s too drunk to drive? OMG, that would have happened in my house once. Once. I can’t decide who needs a bigger kick in the ass, Jacqueline or Ashlee. Ouch, did her therapist just say she can’t control her 2-year-old either? Is that helpful? I mean, in all fairness, he’s two… though I’m not sure why he’s just running around a porch with no gating. Hey, here’s an idea. Tell your 20-year-old to watch your kid for an hour.
Time to Kill
Melissa’s What Happened: During the drive to the shore, Teresa sees the opportunity to drill Joe on who he was with the night before. His story is that he was with some random ladies doing business. Yeah, that’s what they’re calling it… getting down to business. Gia jumps in with all sorts of sass like she’s full-on pissed at her father. Man, she’s channeling some inner demon right now, but can you blame her when her mother is openly suspicious about where her father is spending his evenings? So much for discretion.
Rachel: Do I really have to watch this cross swinging in front of the camera while Joe talks about his “business” with other women? He’s such a vile pig. I really think he might be one of the worst people I’ve seen in a long time. He has no respect for anyone and I’m going to venture to say that he’s got about zero legitimate business going on right now.
Melissa’s What Happened: Caroline is suffering every other day with migraines. Oh girl, I feel for you!! I get one a month and want to curl up in the corner of my closet and cry. Her symptoms, according to her doctor, might point to menopause and it terrifies Caroline. Um, why? I love you my dear, but you’re of that age where guess what, the change is a coming.
Rachel: You gotta love when you go to the doctor for migraines and he welcomes you to The Change. Sorry, Caroline, it’s not the stress in your life. It’s the Pause. He recommends an estrogen patch and new friends. Good call.
Melissa’s What Happened: As Joe and Teresa arrive at their shore house, I’m a little underwhelmed with the looks of it. I mean I’ve seen some ramshackle shore houses, but I really think I wouldn’t even stay at that thing back in my college days and I still find myself scratching my head as to why they brought a tent with them. Do the kids have to sleep outside? Doesn’t really matter since a mouse has made a lovely home in the ball of tent. After giving up on the extra room, Teresa and Joe discuss what Gia reads in magazines about Joe’s wandering eye and potential trip to jail. She wonders if they should discuss it with Gia. He barely wants to discuss it with her, let alone discuss it with her daughter. Never mind that it might actually be helpful for your child. Wait, Teresa didn’t just say all the magazine articles she agrees to are to make memories and have photos of the family? Oh Teresa, I can’t even believe you.
Rachel: First of all, that is the ugliest house ever. Second, seriously, do those girls have to scream constantly? Third, what the hell is that contraption Joe is trying to de-mouse? And ew, do we have see Joe’s beer gut? Please stop pretending to lift weights… We’re all clear on the fact that you’re completely out of shape. And wait, Teresa tells Gia that the things written in magazines are just picture memories for them? Is she completely retarded? And don’t start with me about that being an Un-PC word. It’s appropriate here. But yeah, let’s not talk to her about the fact that daddy might be going to jail. He’s so awesome… How’s this for compassion and fatherly concern: It is what it is and this is the life you chose. What a wonderful husband.
Work In Progress
Melissa’s What Happened: Did Joe really say Gorgasms? Oh that man repulses me. How does Melissa put up with him? Anyway, they show up at their shore house and to say that the construction isn’t quite finished is an understatement. It looks like it’s barely begun. Wait, they are going to actually stay in there? I mean come on Joe, you can’t really think your kids will be safe sleeping there?? I get you’re trying to fix it up, but you can’t stay there. Meanwhile, over at Kathy’s place, there’s a little more space and a little less scaffolding. But do I need to hear her talking about Rich’s libido? Oh, and within 40 minutes of the season starting, I remember why these people make my eyes twitch.
Rachel: Oh Lawd, now I remember why I stopped watching last year. Joe Gorga and his nasty sexual comments. Really? A Gorgasm? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. And does Joe really think they’re going to stay there? And what is Infantigo?
Finally, A Nice House
Melissa’s What Happened: At Kathy’s normal shore house everyone breaks down all the magazine articles and tries to understand Teresa. Again. Joe thinks Teresa should go to him, not the press, about her concerns with her husband and their life. Well sure Joe, but you aren’t paying her for the “exclusive”.
Rachel: Ok, this is the house I want to stay in. Can I hang with them? Seems the Gorga’s want to stay there too. See, here’s the thing, if you’re all going to pretend you’re all good with Teresa & Joe but spend 90% of your time bashing them, it’s not really going to help you actually be all good with Teresa & Joe. But you don’t need me to tell you that because Italian Aunt whose name I missed puts her foot down and says, “Enough!”
Family Booze – er, Beach Time
Melissa’s What Happened: The families all get together at the beach, and Joe thinks to try to reach out to his sister again based on with wise words of Rich. He does his strong-arm routine about why she doesn’t come to him when she needs him emotionally, but will come to him for money. If he’s willing to give her $25k, then he’s going to be there for her emotionally, as well. Guess she needs to sell a few more books. Having been exposed, she flips the script on him and says that she can’t go to him because he didn’t call when her husband was in jail for a week. So much for that family bonding moment.
Rachel: Was the crotch shot of Rich necessary? Yes, that’s all I got from that scene. Well that and the fact that Teresa is still defending her idiot husband. She’d be about 1000% more likable without him. She’s a jack ass.
A Little Denial Between Friends
Melissa’s What Happened: Caroline, Jacqueline and Lauren stroll through the neighborhood talking about how Teresa’s words upset them (still). Jacqueline shares that she and Chris are at their breaking point with Ashlee and she thinks enough is enough. Didn’t she say that last season?
Rachel: More convincing each other that they’re all going to be OK with Teresa even though they hate what she wrote. Are we going to spend the whole season with this? I can’t take much more. It’s exhausting already.
Melissa’s What Happened: Ashlee gets called to the carpet by Chris about what she is doing with her life and it’s time to ship her off to her Aunt and Uncle’s house… in Vegas. I mean really is that the best choice for her? Vegas? Yeah, that’s going to help get her life straight. Send the party girl to the world’s biggest party.
Rachel: Well, I guess kicking Ashlee out is a good first step. Kicking her to Vegas might not be as good of an idea. I mean you’re concerned about her partying so you’re going to send her to the party capital of America? Well, if it means we don’t have to look at her smug face (which looks to be puffier than before… fillers or liquor?), I’m all for it.
Melissa: Man this is going to be a crazy season. I can only hope my Package Store has enough booze for me – these bitches are going off the rails!!
Rachel: This is going to be one long season of Teresa sucking the life force out of me. Yay!