Dancing With The Stars 14 – Week 4 & Results

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s Rock Night and KISS is ready to lose whatever last shreds of dignity they have left.

Doing complex math equations in her head, no doubt.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  There is part of me that is excited for Rock Week because that means there should be some pretty interesting outfits and edgy choreography.  The other part of me knows how badly they’re going to butcher these rock songs and I’m already scared to hear them.  It’s going to painful.  I mean I know it costs a fortune to pay for the rights to a lot of those songs, but there has to be a way to do a better job at the remakes.  Maybe I should wear earplugs tonight… though it might be tough to report what the judges have to say….

Melissa:  Yeah, I’m with my partner here that we’re going to hear ballroom interpretations of rock songs that will rival (I’m sure) any musak we get stuck with in the elevator at the doctor’s office.  Wait, KISS is playing along with the band this week too??  As my little boy would say… WHAT THE??


KISS still wants to rock 'n roll all night and party every day... it's just a lot harder on bad hips and arthritic knees.

Rachel’s What Happened:  KISS has never shied away from any kind of publicity but this might be the pinnacle of selling out.  I’m going to venture to say that there about 3 KISS fans that watch this show.  I’m actually embarrassed for them.  Wait, there are men in unitards… dancing to KISS… on my TV.  Right now.  This is all sorts of wrong.  Somewhere a Mayan spirit is going, “Told you 2012 was the end of the world”.  And now the judges are making Spinal Tap referencing by turning it to 11.  Oh yeah, the apocalypse will be televised.  I will never make the rocker sign of the devil again after watching this.

Melissa:  Really, Kiss??  Um, OK.  No offense to the boys, but I imagine my Dad singing at this point those fellas are so old.

Sherri Shepherd

Sherri & Val dance the Tango to "Cum On Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot

Rachel’s What Happened:  They’re not Tango-ing to quiet riot.  They’re not.  I refuse to believe it.  Uh Val, if you can’t name the band, you don’t love the song.  Oh and Sherri, don’t tell him you love his chest.  Please.  Though I kinda think Sherri’s personality makes him a bit adorable.  A bit, I said.  And I reserve the right to change my mind at any time he annoys me.  OK, I know the Tango is this super serious dance but this is totally cracking me up.  How is she keeping a straight face?  They’re dancing to Quiet Riot… Come one! This is hilarious!  They get points just for not cracking a smile.  Len says there was a little incident with the feet but overall it was a good job.  Bruno says he loves it when she’s mean & moody.  Great attitude but it needs to be a bit sharper.  Carrie Ann says it was good but it was missing her exuberance.  Change it to passion.  Hmmm… don’t agree with that one.

Melissa:  Tango to Quiet Riot??  Really?  OK, and of course we get Val’s chest.  Way to turn Val’s comment around on him, Sherri, “Did you call me fat??” – I totally do that all the time – love you woman!  Sweet Mary and Joseph!  Really, who came up with this idea?  For real, who, because I have a bone to pick with  this malarkey?  Len’s still in a good mood this week, at least with Sherri.

Score – 21

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Paso Doble to "Time Is Running Out" by Muse

Rachel’s What Happened:  Mark says she needs to be the Welsh Warrior this week because they are doing the Paso Doble.  So he takes her cage fighting.  Um, you’re putting that little tiny thing in the cage with those men?  Mark says that was to teach her technique but I think it was a ploy to watch her jumblies bounce around.  Oh Lord, what did they do to this song?  I’m not feeling this dance.  Technically it’s not bad, but I’m just not digging it.  Bruno says she unleashed a whirlwind of fury but it has to retain definition.  Carrie Ann says she wasn’t on her feet.  The intensity was there but it threw her off the footing.  Len says it had promise but it didn’t quite deliver.

Melissa:  OK, so I’m kinda digging the Paso, but still… SO silly this week.  Let’s just let ballroom be pretty shall we?  I also don’t like that crazy rhino ‘do they gave her.  However, I wish I looked that awesome in a catsuit.

Score – 24

Jaleel White

Jaleel & Kym dance the Tango to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones

Rachel’s What Happened:  Kym says they are dancing to Mick Jagger and Jaleel has Jagger lips.  Um, ok.  There was no rock in Jaleel’s house growing up so he’s unfamiliar with Mick Jagger.  How is that possible?  I mean I believe his mother didn’t play the Stones but how can you be an adult and not know who Mick Jagger is?  And BTW, it’s The Rolling Stones unless I missed Mick’s solo career.  Jaleel says that Mick Jagger had a George Jefferson walk.  OMG… That’s hilarious and so true!  How did no one put that together before today?  Seems Jaleel is in a better mood this week since their “alleged” fight.  You know, now that he’s put Stephan Urquelle back in the box.  His feet look good tonight.  I’m liking it.  Much better than the first Tango of the night.  Carrie Ann loved it.  Try just to be a little more staccato.  Len liked the humor and that he spun on his bum.  It needed more attack though.  Bruno liked the Jagger beginning but it was a little underpowered.  More drive in the footwork.

Melissa:  LOL, Mick Jagger had a George Jefferson walk… How awesome was that?  Love it Jaleel!!  OK, so here’s the thing about this show that I disagree with… They try to take songs that clearly should not be covered and try to turn them ballroom.  Now I don’t necessarily love the Stones, but Satisfaction… Really?  I think that’s worse that Justine Bateman’s version… Yeah folks, Google that one and you’ll agree 100% with me.

Score – 22

Melissa Gilbert

Melissa & Maks dance the Paso Doble to "Conquest" by The White Stripes

Rachel’s What Happened:  Maks tells Melissa to get ready because the Paso Doble has a lot of passion and power.  Melissa says she’s always been the good girl but underneath she’s really a bad girl.  Don’t want to know that.  OK, I knew it was coming… Maks and the yelling.  It was only a matter of time before rehearsals became Dictator Chmerkovskiy time.  He asks her to please not step on his jewels.  No, please do. Oh come on, please don’t mess with the White Stripes!  Ugh…  Melissa looks so uncomfortable and unsure of what’s coming next in this dance.  Like she can’t quite keep up.  She kinda picked it up at the end but him falling didn’t help.  Len liked it but thought she seemed unsure.  She attacked the dance and he doesn’t care that Maks fell.  Bruno loved the flavor of Spain but she messed up the ending.  She does better when she does the slow part, but she needs to keep up with the dance.  Carrie Ann thought it was her best by far.  But when she’s in hold, she doesn’t consider herself equal.  Find the balance.

Melissa:  Did she just say there’s a bad girl in there?  Um, really… Where is it half-pint?  OK, I’m digging this Paso.  I want to snark, but I just can’t…. For real, that was great and strong.  Well until Maks fell at the end.

Score – 22

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Paso Doble to "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix

Rachel’s What Happened:  I love that Peta is secure enough to not wear make-up on camera.  She’s still really pretty without it.  And Donald is shirtless.  Holy chocolate thunder!  I’m laughing hard at him dancing in Peta’s sweater though.  She’s making him wear it so he can learn to dance with a cape.  Sweet Mary!  I may have to rewind this dance.  Smoking hot.  Sa-moking.  That was unreal.  Wow.  Just wow.  And by wow, I mean wow.  Oh boy, Bruno is on fire… Here it comes.  Great guns Donald!  Muscular, masculine, magnificent!  Carrie Ann says that was the most psychedelic, sexy, bizarre, raunchy hot dance.  That goes down as one of the most memorable moments of the season.  Len never thought he’d get excited seeing a man with his shirt off.  Without doubt, his best dance.

Melissa:  Of course Donald’s physique is going to make an impact.  I applaud the shirtless decision… Um, yes… Yes I do!  OK, but I have to ding the band… again, you don’t try to try to rock something like Jimi Hendrix.  I DO however like Donald rocking his physique.  I loved this performance, he totally just had fun with that and killed it – and the judges agree.

Rachel:  There was a band?

Score – 27

Gladys Knight

Gladys & Tristan dance the Tango to "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Rachel’s What Happened:  This week Gladys says she’s gonna be a real slut… Well, alrighty then.  Rock on with your bad slutty self, lady.  She says she’s the grandma of rock-n-roll, and if she doesn’t dance right on this, they may take her induction into the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame away.  Never lady.  Never.  She’s gonna get nasty tonight.  Oh I can’t wait for this.  The judges singing the big screen like Queen in the original video is a genius touch.  The dance, however, isn’t quite as genius, though the second half took it up a notch when the drums kicked in.  Carrie Ann says it was her most ambitious routine.  There’s no rhythm until the second half, but it just didn’t come together.  Len says good job with the choreography.  Gladys coped well with it.  Needs to be more crisp though.  Not her best.  Not her worst.  Bruno says it was the most difficult song to pick.  You have to adapt at each section but because of that it lacked a little bit of impact.  But she did a great job.

Melissa:  You know I have all the love in the world for Gladys, and Tristan… And I adore her enthusiasm for this!  The footwork got a bit missed in a few spots, but I liked it, and I thought the choreography itself was great.

Score – 20

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Jive to "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister

Rachel’s What’s Happened: Cheryl says they are dancing to Twisted Sister.  William wants to know what she’s calling his sister? Seems William needs some hair band education so Cheryl brings in LA cover band Steel Panther.  I love that he’s meeting them.  They’re an LA institution.  And they got him into leopard hot pants.  Excellent move, Steel Panther.  William is rocking this dance, but I think he rocks everything.  Len will love the flicks.  Well, then there was that little whoopsie in the middle where he & Cheryl missed a lift, and then it all goes wonky a bit.  But if Maks isn’t penalized then neither should he be.  And he threw an ass smack in… Always a crowd pleaser.  Len said it went long and they lost timing at the end part.  He’s gotta nail the routines.  Bruno says his performance always rocks the house, but he has to nail it.  Carrie Ann says he uplifts the room and the audience goes crazy but he has to nail the routines.  So, I think what they’re saying is that he has to nail it.

Melissa:  OK, so Wiliam knows nothing about 80’s hair bands.  I’ll forgive you William.  OMFG, really this version of the song??  DWTS people, you’re killing me with these redic interpretations of “rock”.  I was so distracted by the horrible music I almost didn’t see that horrible misstep… And the many to follow.  Again, this is why I say ballroom should be pretty and not try to dance to music they aren’t meant to dance to.

Score – 22

Roshon Fegan

Roshon & Chelsea dance the Waltz to "The Time of My Life" by David Cook

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh this kid again.  Chelsea says he’s going to have to take the wet noodle and make it refined – work the technique.  Not the Technics.  DJ’s get that joke.  I really find this kid so annoying.  Wait, is this a rock song?  I mean if you’re going slow it should have to be a power ballad.  Like “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake.  Or “Is This Love” by Whitesnake.  Really, anything Whitesnake will do.  But David Cook?  No.  Dance wasn’t bad.  Bruno said he is flying high.  Beautiful flowing movement.  Carrie Ann said it was like watching the climax of a Disney movie. Don’t say climax & Disney in the same sentence. Len says good job, Dog.  Roshon is now dancing like MJ all over the stage. Stop it.

Melissa:  Why does he have to rap every week?  OK, I’ll give props where they are due… This was a pretty Waltz.  Why?  Because they didn’t try to “rock” it up.  That was pretty.  Totally didn’t fit with the rest of the rock theme of the week, but I’ll take it.

Score – 26

Maria Menounos

Maria & Derek dance the Tango to "School's Out" by Alice Cooper

Rachel’s What Happened:  Maria is having some foot issues and goes to the doctor.  She has bruises on her bones and a stress fracture.  Yikes.  They don’t want her to dance and break the foot.  She refuses to quit the competition so stress fracture be damned!  She’s got a Tango to do!  That’s some nice dancing for a girl with a bum foot.  Carrie Ann says they have incredible chemistry.  She couldn’t take her eyes off of them.  Len says on occasion it lost a bit of control.  Her posture is the tops in holds though.  Bruno says it had beauty and sex appeal.  The top line is the best.  That was brilliant.

Melissa:  OK, I like this dance… I think if you’re going to do the rock theme, you pay homage to it, and give it a nod here and there but you keep the integrity of the dance in tact.

Score – 26

Gavin DeGraw

Gavin & Karina dance The Tango to "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones

Rachel’s What Happened:  I love watching Gavin’s rehearsals.  He’s pretty damn funny… though looks as if Karina isn’t as amused as the rest of us.  But it makes me hope he sticks around longer. Hey! Maybe the Tango is Gavin’s dance.  He’s doing a pretty good job.  I like it.  Len liked it.  It had flair and attitude.  His posture wasn’t great though and it made his bum stick out.  Bruno said he was very determined and focused but his frame was bad.  Was like watching a turtle at times.  Carrie Ann felt like she was watching Johnny Depp; he was so in character.  She thought his posture was strange but he had intention behind his moves.

Melissa:  Again with the Stones… You can’t do it justice!!  It was a nice tango.  I don’t know if it’s enough to get him big numbers, but numbers he’ll get.

Score – 23

Results Show

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, it’s time to find out whose rock performance is gonna roll them out of the competition.  Sorry, sometimes I just can’t help the puns.  It’s genetic.  I get it from my father; the King of Puns.  But before we can get to results, KISS has to entertain us one more time.  Please let it be one more time.

The first two couple that are up for elimination tonight are Melissa & Maks and Gavin & Karina.  Melissa, having allegedly hit her head and suffering from a concussion is home resting, so Maks is repping on his own.  He & Melissa are safe.  And in more shocking news, so is Gavin. That makes me happy.

But what makes me happier than that… Donald gets the encore dance.  Yep, just as hot the second time around.

Second group up for elimination:  Maria & Derek, Gladys & Tristan and Jaleel & Kym.  All are safe as well.  Um, I know they said it’s a shocking bottom 2… And after this, I’m starting to worry about William and Donald.  And Sherri.

Oh I love Gotan Project.  And that Argentine Tango between Karina and guest dancer Jose Manuel Carreno was amazing.  Hot hot hot.

Up next:  Roshon & Chelsea and Donald & Peta.  Don’t even try and put Donald in the bottom two… Whew, it’s Roshon… Which means Katherine, William or Sherri is also in the Bottom 2.  That’s not cool.  None of them deserve to be there.

So let’s see who is unfairly in the bottom two this week… Katherine and William are safe which means Sherri is in the bottom two.  That ain’t cool.  Roshon had better be going home…

Disappointing results... Sherri is going home.

Noooooo!  Oh come on!  How is that possible????  Again, we know I don’t vote, but that aside, this is some BS.  So sad to see her go.  She was so much fun.  Damn…

Melissa:  It’s night 2 of Rock and Roll week and I’m hoping for a shirtless William vs. Donald face- off this week to make up for the poor musical selections I’ve sat through… Well, really let’s just let the boys stand there looking good.  I’m fine with that too.  Hopefully I’ll manage to stay awake this week.

I’m a big fan of Gotan Project and this amazing tango Karina and Jose Manuel Carreno are performing.  This is almost making up for “Rock Week”.  I would love a Tango week… how awesome would that be?

Oh No they didn’t send Sherri home!!  That is NOT COOL Dancing.  Not cool at all… I’ll have to seriously consider my return next week. <foot stomp/arm-cross/pout>  You done pissed off this Winey Bitch.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:   Oh HELL YEAH, next week is Latin Week.  OK, maybe I’ll stick around one more week for that.  But only that!  <re-stomp/re-arm-cross/re-pout>  Oh and the dance offs are on!

Rachel: Yeah, as mad as I am about  Sherri going home, I too am excited for Latin Week.  That’s a lot of William hip action to look forward to.  And I’m curious about the dance-off that they’re throwing at us.  It’s a morbid curiosity but a curiosity nonetheless.  


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