One Sentence Summary – Tonight we find out if Kalyn is with child and if Tyler knows what that means.
Rachel: Well, I’ve got to thank Kalyn & Tyler for putting us on the blogosphere map. Seems there are a lot of you out there that were burning up the Google search engines looking for info on Kalyn & Tyler getting down with some sibling (ish) love. And through some divine intervention – or link clicking- you found us. We love you for that. We really do. And here we are again this week watching the aftermath of the torrid love affair between god-siblings… Yeah, just made that word up. I have a feeling Kalyn is going to learn, again, how little Tyler actually cared about her and how much he really cared about getting his hand on her rack. What? Tell me you think he had purer intentions. No seriously, tell me. Then I can tell you that I think you’re crazy. It’ll be a fun conversation, after which, we can enjoy a glass of wine.
Melissa: It’s the big scare this week… Wait for it folks, I have my soapbox sitting next to me and ready to go about these girls and their lack of personal responsibility when it comes to sex and birth control.
Rachel’s What Happened: Leeanne & Leslie are meeting so Leslie can do some damage control after that scene at the Auction last week. Yeah, I gotta say that I think Leeanne is jockeying for a place on the show. The wide-eyed overly dramatic responses to everything Leslie says aren’t too obvious or anything. Leslie is worried what Heidi thinks about her goddaughter and son sleeping together. Yeah, you might want to be more worried that they were sleeping together in the first place. Leeanne says Heidi and the Fashionistas don’t to drama. Well, then you might not want these crazies in your club. Leslie tries throwing Pam under the bus as a “she’s worse than me” diversion, but Leeanne says that Heidi is pretty firmly on Team Pam. Seems the Revenge plan is going to take a little more work. Up next: Trunk show at Heidi’s house.
Melissa: Oh that’s awesome. I would have totally flipped my shit and I’m happy to see Leeanne is appropriately appalled. OK, what does one have to “deliver to the Fashionistas”? Blood? First born?
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Minutes
Rachel’s What Happened: Realizing her relationship of 5 minutes with Tyler is over, Kalyn agrees to go out on a blind date with someone that is clearly a relative of Beaver Cleaver. Brent, her date, is in the marketing and advertising arts. He says he’s 27, but he looks not a day over 16. In fact, at first glance, I thought that was a prep school uniform and not a suit he was wearing. Tyler seems unfazed that this guy is here to take out Kalyn, but mostly because I don’t think his bulb actually burns that bright… ever. At dinner, Kalyn chooses the “getting to know you” portion of the date to tell Brent about her relationship with Tyler. All about it. Oh Kalyn why on earth are you telling your date that you were schtupping your godbrother? And you follow that gem up with, “I’m ready for a new guy because I can’t have Tyler.” They must be paying this kid well, because any other sane guy would have run from the room screaming in horror. Pretty sure we’ve seen the last of this kid. Oh Brent, we hardly knew ye.
Melissa: OK, how do those intros go… “Hi random guy. Meet my ex-boot knocker, aka: my Godmother’s son.” BTW, I’m totally going to call foul on that ensemble… Really girl, I get you got yourself a new pretty bra for the date, but the idea is to actually wear a shirt over it. I mean what’s left to the imagination at this point? Oh, and wtf are you doing telling him this story?
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam doesn’t like her daughter hanging out on her couch all day. A college break doesn’t mean a break from working. And what work does Pam have in mind? Seems she has a business venture for she and Hannah. She wants to launch their own perfume line. Because that’s what the world needs. Another fragrance. I mean we have Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears and the Kardashians with their own scents already. As if there was any way to top that… But Pam has something the likes of Calvin Klein, Bulgari and Issey Miyake do not. She has traveled all over the world and experienced all kinds of essential oils personally. She is going to bring the smells of the world to the have-nots. What a giver that Pam is. Wonder if any of those aliens watching us will be sharing their fragrances?
Melissa: Hannah is still at home… ah, vacation? Man, that girl has a lot of vacations. Pam is going to start a fragrance? I don’t get it… why?
Enough About You…
Rachel’s What Happened: Heidi’s trunk show is coming up and she will be featuring a vintage store that isn’t Connie’s. Connie isn’t happy. And Pam isn’t happy either – not in defense of her friend – but because she only wears new clothes. But Pam agrees to go with Heidi to see these so-called “vintage” pieces of clothing and then quickly changes the subject to her perfume line. Apparently, it’s no longer the smell of the world she’s using. It’s the smell of Spain she’s bringing to the masses… though it sounds a lot like she just plans to rip off a scent she bought on vacation. And with that, Pam excuses herself and leaves everyone in a whiff of her scent. Connie says Heidi should worry about being used by Pam to launch all her products. Bitter much, Connie? Besides, why would Heidi care? Every new product Pam launches gets the Fashionistas more air time.
Melissa: The Trunk Show was planned with one of Connie’s competitors… GASP!! Oh, this has the opportunity to be loads of fun. Pam can’t quite define the scent of her perfume to the Fashionistas but it smells similar to the fragrance she wears. Here’s the fun part of getting a dozen catty women together… Let the back stabbing begin!
Back Away From The Needle
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie is at the plastic surgeon to see if she needs anything done. Apparently she felt her face move. The doctor says no, she’s not ready for any new treatments. Look, if a plastic surgeon says no to more treatment (aka: more money), then you REALLY don’t need more. Since there’s no Botox on today’s menu, she will take a nose job instead. Oh Bonnie, I wish you’d stop messing with your face. You’re cute! Stop before you look like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She doesn’t want Whitney to know about the nose job though, so she doesn’t have to hear about getting her boobs done. So she wants the doctor to pretend it’s a Botox appointment to throw Whitney off. Yeah, sure. Good luck with that.
Melissa: OK, for real, what’s with this doctor and the naughty assistant?? Oh, to get her nose job Bonnie is going to need to lay off the fillers? Wait, I’m confused with why Bonnie can’t let the assistant know because she’ll tell Whitney. Um, where’s that whole doctor / patient confidentiality thing?
Green With Envy
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam and Heidi head to Vintage Martini to check out the fashions for Heidi’s trunk show. Ken, the owner, has better prices than Connie. Heidi tells Pam to look at it like treasure hunting. Meanwhile, how can you call yourself a “fashionista” if you don’t get vintage? Anyway, Heidi asks Pam how she intends to promote her new perfume. Pam says it is being marketed through the company she’s working with. They have an entire team dedicated just to the promotion. Heidi is glad to hear that because doesn’t want to be used like Connie is in insinuating. Pam says it’s just jealousy. And in this case, I’m going to have to side with Pam. And we know I never like to side with Pam.
Melissa: Pam, I applaud your only wearing “new” clothes. Really, it says a lot about you. I for one, love me some vintage pieces.
Drop A Zero
Rachel’s What Happened: ChaCha and her husband stop by Connie’s store to talk about him remodeling it. They go over a few ideas and he presents Connie with his bid. She expected the family discount for giving ChaCha her social chair seat and doesn’t think this estimate reflects that. ChaCha’s husband was apparently not let in on the deal, but begrudgingly agrees to lower the bid. He looks less than happy. Someone’s getting the paddle tonight.
Melissa: My goodness that man looks like he wants to kill his wife. They are either a brilliant good cop / bad cop or Deaynni doesn’t realize her husband’s work keeps her in her country club.
Too Much Sugar
Rachel’s What Happened: Maddie & Kalyn are having lunch and it seems the shine has worn off Kalyn’s bakery job. Though, by the looks of it, she seems to be making the most of it. Maddie doesn’t care though because she has her car keys back and is excited to have her freedom. Volley back to Kalyn who trumps the car keys with an “I think I’m pregnant with Tyler’s baby.” As Maddie tries to choke back her disgust, she manages an oh-so-supportive “Oh… my… God.” Kalyn says she must be pregnant because she’s showing all the symptoms. Maybe it’s the strict diet of cupcakes that is causing the nausea and the jeans to get a little tight. I mean it’s a great diversion tactic though. I sometimes like to pretend that my protruding gut is a baby, but then I remember I’m single and not having sex. Maddie suggests getting a pregnancy test but Kalyn thinks she should tell Tyler first. Wow, this girl is as dumb as a stump. Maddie thinks that’s a really bad idea, mostly because it’s a really bad idea. Kalyn wonders how Leslie will react when she tells her the news. You don’t know how Leslie will react if you’re pregnant at 18 with her son’s baby out of wedlock? Let’s take a wild guess.
Melissa: Maddie thought she had the best gossip of the day getting her keys back and KA-BLAM… Trumped by “lateness”. OK, here it comes… I appreciate Maddie at 16 being the voice of reason here with getting a test. No offense Kalyn, but just because you “think” you’re pregnant, until you see that little plus sign or the 2 lines, don’t start running around starting up the rumor mill. Why on earth wouldn’t you want to take a test? You are a dumb ass girl! I’m sorry for being harsh, but sweetie let me break it down for you. Tyler isn’t going to decide that, just because you “think” you’re pregnant, he’s going to defy his mother and run off to spend a life of struggling to get by with you. There’s no way in hell that boy isn’t going to pull a “what do you expect me to do, I don’t even think it’s mine” and run for the hills. That boy is more shallow than a rain drop and this will not end with harps and doves.
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney sees an appointment in the office computer for her mom to get Botox, but being a super sleuth, she realizes it’s too soon for mama to be getting the ‘tox. Rayann says she heard Bonnie talking about a nose job and they figure out that that’s what the appointment must be. Oh someone’s gonna hear about this. And that someone is everyone.
Melissa: OK Whitney, really why are you schedule stalking your mom? Bonnie, why the hell would you get your work done where your daughter can stalk you?
Rachel’s What Happened: Leeanne goes to Connie’s vintage store to buy an outfit for Hiedi’s trunk show. You know the one featuring another vintage store. Connie says it chaps her ass a bit that Heidi did that. Seeing an opportunity to throw some gasoline on the fire, Leanne lets Connie know that Pam said she’s only involved with the Fashionistas to sell her clothes anyway. And she says she thinks Pam is the one with ulterior motives since she doesn’t really seem to be into fashion the way they are. Oh Leeanne, you little shit stirrer. I guess she’s been drinking Leslie’s kool-aid and is now bent on getting Pam tossed out. How does her talking to Connie affect that, you ask? Well, Connie will confront Pam publicly (since there are no private conversations in Texas) and Pam will drop some F-bombs at another Fashionista event. And as we’ve discussed before, Heidi does not enjoy f-bombs in her champagne.
Melissa: Again, this is what happens when you group a dozen women together… You get the she said / she said merry go round.
The Reality Is That Stinks
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam is at home testing her essential oil collection. Anyone else think it looks like something you buy in the Air Mall magazine? She & Hannah need to also come up with a name for this new scent. Pam chooses “Reality”. Um, no one wants to wear Reality perfume. Our reality doesn’t actually smell that great. If it did, we wouldn’t have deodorant and scented soaps in the first place. I can’t wait until she tells the marketing team to create a campaign that sells reality when the entire fragrance sector is based on selling a fantasy. Oh, the genius.
Melissa: Um, what happened to visiting the lab? Oh no, she’s not wanting to call her fragrance Reality, is she? I wish all of you were with me right now to see my eye twitching.
You’re Not The Boss Of Me
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney comes home after being out all night, which was not the deal she made with Bonnie. What a perfect segue into Whitney telling her that she broke their deal about getting plastic surgery together so she is no longer going to be keeping up her end of any other deals. Connie gets to witness the lovely way Whitney talks to her mother and is left shaking her head. Bonnie offers to buy her boobs if she gets into school and gets good grades. Connie thinks that’s a great idea. Whitney passes… Oh right, because a reward for hard work is demeaning to you. Yet, having no goals other than to have porn star boobs is noble… Makes sense.
Melissa: I totally don’t get that exchange between Bonnie and Whitney. What just happened? Did Whitney just say she’s getting her own boobs and not letting Mom pick up the tab? I’m so confused… I thought you wanted that. Oh, did Bonnie just Jedi Boob Trick her??
So That Happened
Rachel’s What Happened: Kalyn goes ahead with her genius plan and tells Tyler she’s late. After she explains to the brain trust that is Tyler what “being late” means, he responds with caring and supportive words. Oh wait, no he doesn’t. He wants to know what she wants him to say. And then, as if that’s not insulting enough, he pulls the old “How do you even know it’s mine?” line. My jaw is on the floor. And her foot should be in his groin. She wants to know what he intends to do and he says he’s prepared for it if there’s a kid. Yeah, I’m gonna say there is no part of Tyler that is prepared for a child. The mere fact that there is any possibility of these two gene pools merging and creating a child scares the bejesus out of me. Well, after that touching scene, she’s off to take the pregnancy test and see what the future holds. BTW, nice transition shot of the rippling lake that sound sounds an awful lot like someone peeing. A tip of the hat dear editors.
Melissa: OK, so crazy isn’t going to take the test because she needs to know that Tyler will be there for her? OK, I’ve now paused my DVR because I want to go on TWB record here and say that he’s so NOT going to profess his love and promise that they’ll run away together. I’m thinking it’s going to go more like “How do you know it’s mine?” – if not worse. Yep, that there is the reaction I expected. What is he playing Mario Kart on his laptop that he’s too busy to even look at her?
Rachel’s What Happened: As Leslie gets her om on in yoga class, Melissa & Pam stand watch and catch up on gossip. Seems Maddie went straight home and ratted out Kalyn to Melissa. Needless to say, the news of the impending bundle of joy is spreading through the country club faster than Heidi can take down a bottle of champagne. Melissa, still pissed about the pageant bomb, cannot wait to drop this on Leslie. LOL… Oh, I can’t help but laugh at this. Melissa tells Leslie that Kalyn has been sharing her sexual escapades with Maddie and she may be a grandma soon. Leslie (who, by the way, doesn’t have a drop of sweat on her after exercising) doesn’t understand. Which part don’t you get Leslie? The part where your son spread his seed in your goddaughter’s field without protection? Seems pretty straightforward to me. Melissa doesn’t appreciate that her 16-year-old daughter is having to counsel Kalyn about pregnancy. Can’t say as I blame you, Melissa, though we know you’re really just stoked to be able to drop this bomb on Leslie yourself. Leslie says Maddie made it up. Great comeback.
Melissa: Oh yeah, this week is just gossip central in Dallas. You know Melissa is having quite a moment over the whole Kalyn “scare”… Not because of Kalyn of course, but just the whole you reap what you sow on Leslie. WOW, that went tail-spin ugly in 10 seconds. Melissa, take it down a notch. I thought you were about to blow a vessel.
And The Winner Is…
Rachel’s What Happened: And back at Hotel New Hampshire, the test results are in… No baby. And no surprise here. But at least Kalyn now realizes that Tyler wasn’t going to be there for her unless she was pregnant. Captain Obvious, party of one, your table is now ready.
Melissa: Shocking… She’s not pregnant. I guess though it wouldn’t have been that exciting of an episode if she took the test before the drama. Oh, yeah, and Tyler’s reaction… just what I expected. Sheer relief.
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney tells Hannah that she is sick of her mom not respecting her but demanding respect from her. Uh yeah, that’s how parenthood works. Hannah suggests getting her own place. Whitney says she wants to but… Oh yeah, BUT then who will bankroll her life?
Melissa: OK, quick question. Pardon my ignorance, but what is a 24-year-old doing hanging out with an 18-year-old? No offense, but when I was 24 I was not about hanging out with a “kid”. Anyway, I love how these two think Bonnie’s behavior is so wrong.
On A Very Special Big Rich Texas
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie’s home and demanding to know what the hell is going on… and if the baby is really Tyler’s. Well, the insensitivity apple sure didn’t fall far from the tree in this family. Leslie wants to talk to Kalyn privately so she sends Tyler to the store to buy condoms. Way to wait til the train has already left the station. Once alone, Leslie tells Kalyn that she shouldn’t have thought she was pregnant in the first place. They need to talk about morals and values. Yeah, that might be a good conversation to have. Leslie says no man wants a girl that got accidentally pregnant by a casual relationship. (Note: They also don’t want girls that got purposely pregnant by a casual relationship.) Don’t you know you can be beautiful and wonderful without having sex with people? Finally, a solid piece of advice from this woman. Granted, beating every ounce of self-esteem out of her for the last year might have not helped much with knowing that beauty comes from within. Food for thought, Leslie. She tells Kalyn to save herself for someone special. Yeah, you just said your son isn’t special… I mean I don’t disagree but he’s also not my kid. Oh well, I guess that’s not that bad since she just called him a dog with a penis that he likes to stick in things. Awesome. Nothing like a mother’s love.
Melissa: Oh, this is fantastic. “How do you know it’s Tyler’s?” “Yeah, that’s what I asked,” says the douche. DAMN, it’s bad when your own Mom calls you a dog!
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the trunk show at Heidi’s. Pam actually wore vintage to the party in a show of solidarity with Heidi. While the girls are having a laugh about the prices at Connie’s store, Pam sees Leslie at the party and says she is infiltrating her life to get to the last rung of the social ladder. But Pam will let it slide because she has a different bone to pick. How about not picking any bones at Heidi’s house? Pick out a nice bag… Pick a fur… Just don’t pick a bone. Too late.
She starts with Connie about what she’s been saying about her using the Fashionistas. I will give her slight credit that she starts the conversation quietly and pulls her aside. Connie says that’s what people have been saying and she can’t help that. Pam says not to insult her and that Connie stabbed her in the back. Granted she has stabbed people in the back too, but they deserved it. Oh we’re playing that game? But before the levels really escalate and start ricocheting off those high ceilings, Heidi breaks it up. No cat fights at her house. This is a nice event and she’s not getting in the middle of their nonsense. She wants everyone to get along and enjoy their time. Connie hears exactly none of that and starts in about the fact that she can’t believe Heidi brought in a competitor to her. Bad move. Heidi says, “Do you think Hermes calls me and bitches at me for buying a handbag at Chanel?” Love it! Love love love it! Best comeback of the season. Connie says they’re both full of bleep. Aaaand someone just lost their spot in the Fashionistas.
Somehow Leslie thinks this plays into her hand to exact revenge on Pam. Ya lost me there Leslie. I think this just made Pam look like the one that got hung out to dry by a crazy person. Keep trying Leslie. Keep trying.
Melissa: Pam, your conspiracy side is showing… I mean Leslie is trying to kill you to wear your skin, but there’s no need to tell your Fashionista friends about it. OK, switch gears and attack Connie, that makes sense. OK, they’re all working towards the same goal… What is that goal? Seriously, anyone out there know what that goal is? Anywho, Connie at least got to make a finger wagging “oh no you di’int” exit from the party.
Rachel: Um, how do these people not fall down more? It’s like textbook “bumbling idiots”. But I guess we should all just take a moment and be thankful that, at least for the moment, Kalyn & Tyler aren’t reproducing.
Melissa: Wait a second, I didn’t get to stomp on my soapbox as much as I anticipated!