One Sentence Summary: Heather, Tamra & Gretchen get dirty and Vicki gets word about Brianna’s biopsy.
Rachel: It’s the week we find out if Briana has cancer. As much as I poke fun at this show (and really all shows), I seriously hope it’s good news. That’s super scary stuff. But apparently, we have to wait to hear as Heather thinks her husband, Terry, needs new clothes. Yep, clothes trump cancer. Is she really trying to make her husband over at this point? Bored women with too much money. The salesman at the store shares the old adage that “Once you start wearing tailored clothing, you’ll start wearing more & more tailored clothing.” I think it was Mark Twain first said that, no? Terry says that he never wears suits so Heather’s making him 3 suits, a tux and some sports coats for the low low price of $50k. Are you shitting me? Oh well, we’re assured that it’s a lot of clothes for $50k. Um, someone toss me $50k and I’ll show you what a lot of clothes is. No seriously, I’ll do it. Pony up. I’m ready.
Speaking of wardrobe make-overs, I fully reject sleeveless shirts on men. I don’t care if they are going to the gym and have guns like Eddie’s, it’s still not right. Ever. Of course, Tamra working out in full make up is also something I reject, but I recognize these women refuse to be seen without their warpaint. As Eddie Tamra get their sweat on at the gym, Tamra says that working out has helped her through her divorce. She never understood until now when people would say
that working out is cheaper than therapy. Yeah, so is wine. And it’s a lot more delicious. Tamra says she’s getting the boob reduction, and Eddie is cool with it.
Finally, we get to Briana’s test results. Ok, seriously, they should have started with this. Can we please find out what’s going on now? Phew, no cancer. That’s amazing. It’s really incredible that it came back benign. Woo! Ok, now we can get back to our regularly scheduled judging.
Tamra goes over to Heather’s to work out (Um, are the TV gods trying to tell me something with all this exercising?) and tells her that she’s doing a mud run. It’s mud pits and obstacle courses and Heather is totally in. Really, these ladies are going to go roll around in mud that wasn’t imported from the Dead Sea or some exotic locale? This I gotta see. Gretchen & Slade are coming too. Vicki and Alexis are not… clearly.
But before there is mud, Gretchen goes to visit Alexis. It took her 5 days to come by and Alexis is mad. Yeah, you didn’t have life-threatening surgery. You got your nose did. Though she is wearing a mask like she’s fighting SARS. I love that she has a printout of the shit they pulled out of her nose, but why do we keep having to see it? It’s really gnarly. Alexis tells Gretchen that she wants to
sit down and talk to Tamra when she’s feeling better to find out why she’s so mean to her. Yeah, I don’t think you do, actually. I really really don’t think you want to. It’s going to be like watching a baby chick wander into a snake pit. And I will be sitting in the front row when it goes down.
We meet Vicki in her closet choosing clothes to donate to Working Wardrobes. It’s nice to see some charity happening on this show. Tamra stops by and sees that Donn’s clothes are still hanging there. It makes Vicki sad. She says she has never been alone and she doesn’t like it. Her boyfriend Brooks would like to be together all day and night, but Vicki has to go to work… Uh, ok. She says she gets 4 cards a day from him. Really? Four cards a day??? That’s crazy. Granted, I would have appreciated 4 cards a year in my last relationship, but we’re not here to stomp on those sour grapes. Tamra thinks all of Brooks’s attention is fake. Ah, always the ray of sunshine, Tamra. I don’t know if it’s fake, personally, but I can’t imagine one can maintain that kind attention. The ladies discuss their pending divorces and wonder about forcing someone to sign papers if they won’t do it willingly. Vicki says that’s called fornication – when you go to court and make someone sign divorce papers. Uh, yeah, that’s not it, Vicki. And if you don’t actually know what fornication means, I’d like to know what you’re doing to make Brooks send you four cards a day…
Time for fun with mud! Slade said he drilled holes in his shoes so he didn’t lose them to the suction of the mud. When Gretchen asks why he didn’t drill holes in her shoes, he says it’s because he didn’t know what shoes she was wearing. Here’s an idea, genius… Ask her! Slade is wearing a shirt that says “comic”, which is hilarious because he’s so not funny. I do love that Tamra’s shirt says “cougar”. Own it sister. This is hilarious watching these guys flop around in mud. Though how annoyed are you if you’re some random Joe in the race and you have to deal with these tools in front of you? Gretchen hurts her ankle halfway through and has to drop out. This could lead to Pussycat Doll mayhem!
Time to reveal Alexis’s new nose at the plastic surgeon’s office! Holy drama queen. Dude just rip the bandage off! OK, I know he can’t actually rip it off, but please for the rest of us, get it off so we don’t have to hear her bitching & whining. Alright, I’ll give props. The nose looks good.
Now Eddie gets hurt in the mud. He broke his finger but Dr. Terry is there to pop it back in. Ouch… That just sent chills down my spine. Everyone finally crosses the finish line, including Gretchen who is carried across by Slade. At after-race drinks, the subject turns to bike riding. Slade says if you ride a bike 60 miles, nothing matters. If I ride a bike 60 miles, nothing will matter because I will be passed out on the side of a road somewhere. Slade says he was in the Tour de France. Really? Yeah, I looked it up and can’t find any real evidence other than a picture of him on a bike on his MySpace page. Yes, MySpace. And it really could have been taken in Reseda. I’m not believing this story. Tamra says how sad that he’s so past his prime. She wishes Gretchen would dump his ass. I do too lady. I think we all do.
Brooks is in town visiting Vicki and it’s all sunshine and roses. Ah, the honeymoon phase. Isn’t that the best part of relationship? It’s so so good. He tells Vicki that, while he’s only physically there part-time, he’s mentally there all the time. He sees spending the time traveling to see her as an investment not a sacrifice. See, honeymoon phase. Radness. Look, we know I don’t like Vicki, but it’s nice to see a man openly cherishing his woman. I hope he’s not full of shit. The cynical girl in me thinks he must be, but the hopeless romantic hopes for the best. She is super needy though. And she says she misses her daddy. Oh, let’s not openly talk about our daddy issues. Especially with one that’s on the deadbeat list.
We wrap up tonight’s show with Tamra on her way to her attorney’s to make the divorce official. Eddie is ready to celebrate her freedom, but she isn’t feeling as jovial. At the office, she starts crying because she feels like she let her kids down. She thinks about all the good times she & Simon had and it affects her. Yeah, we all have that hindsight filter. You know the one that makes you forget every nasty thing that person did to you? It’s an evil evil thing. Evil. But Tamra pulls it together and signs the papers. She feels like she just erased 15 years of her life, but methinks she’ll bounce back next. Granted, she’ll be bouncing with much smaller ta-tas.
Oh, I can’t wait to see the insanity that is Gretchen’s friend, Sarah, confront Vicki next week. And another segment of Alexis pretending she is Katie Couric. Woot Woot! Party train in the OC!