One Sentence Summary – Having momentarily forgotten that Pam is the enemy, the ladies refocus their revenge rifles in her direction.
Rachel: Uh, can someone please tell me what the editors of this show are smoking and could they please pass it around. Don’t bogart, people. For real though, drinking a depressant such as red wine makes following this hyper-edited show a bit of a challenge. I looked up last week, saw that we were only ten minutes in and realized I had already written a novel. It’s like the ADHD kid in the reality class. Well, I’m still drinking my red wine and gonna take it as it comes. I’m a trooper like that. Let’s do this.
Melissa: Bonnie and Pam are promoting their novels at the same time – I’m confused, Pam is a writer?? I’m going to blame being a BRT newbie that I don’t know about this. C’est la vie, let me top off my Seghesio Zinfandel and watch the ladies’ war of words. Maybe I’ll have to download samples on my Kindle. Anywho, it’s going down tonight with Bonnie and Pam… Hope the Fashionistas are ready for the mud slinging.
Take This Job And Shove It
Rachel’s What Happened: Kalyn wasn’t kidding last week when she said she was done with pageants. She is so done with pageants that she doesn’t even want to be in the same dress shop as pageant dresses so she gives her boss at Muzzie’s (I keep wanting to call it Muggle’s, but that’s Harry Potter, no?) her two weeks notice. Seems Kalyn feels her talents are best used in the culinary world at a bakery. Her boss is less inspired by Kalyn’s pie in the sky dreams and says she needs her for the next two months, then tells her not to bother to finish out the day. Ok, Bitter Betty, here’s an idea: Take the two weeks that will be oh-so-busy (BTW there is never anyone in the store) and use them to find someone to replace Kalyn. It’s not like she has access to high-level security government files she’s going to steal and must be escorted from the premises immediately. She’s selling ugly dresses. Anyone else think Kalyn quitting the pretty dresses for the world of trans-fats is going to send Leslie spiraling?
Melissa: Since Kalyn quit the pageant world she clearly can’t keep her job at the store. I’m thinking it’s a paycheck, sweetie, but go on with your dreams of working at a bakery. Now, you know this is going to make Leslie annoyed she doesn’t have a hook-up for free dresses.
It Ain’t Easy Being Green
Rachel’s What Happened? What is Leslie wearing and why is Connie being so nice to her after the dinner sabotage? Oh I guess Connie’s not that thrilled with Leslie’s behavior since she just asked her what that was about. Leslie says she feels terrible. She really thought Maddie knew. Um, wow. You’re not even in the same area code as the point, Leslie. See, even if Maddie knew, it would still not have been cool and you were only dropping that knowledge on the table to be vindictive. What a jack ass. She hopes Melissa will be kind-hearted… I hope she is not. You certainly haven’t been for one iota of a moment. Only when she gets busted being an a-hole does she find her compassion.
But Leslie’s really there to talk about men. Seems Melissa was going to set her up, but now, not so much… So it was a smart idea to out her, Leslie? Connie says she has a matchmaker that can set them up with rich men. Grace, who has been hearing this conversation, says no dating for Connie until she’s legally divorced. Seems she hasn’t made the split legal just yet. Wait, let me get this straight. Leslie went on a date with her cousin Connie’s ex-husband who’s actually not her ex but in face still her husband making him still Leslie’s cousin as well? No wonder Tyler is at home hitting on Kalyn. Mama has no boundaries. Why should he?
Melissa: So, Leslie is still back peddling saying she didn’t know Maddie wasn’t aware why her mom was de-crowned – yeah right Leslie. And Grace gets to tell her mom when she can & can’t date? I don’t get these people letting their children tell them what they can and can’t do. I’m sorry… I mean they are kids. They don’t get to make the rules.
No Soft Whispers Allowed
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam has a book coming out, Hard Whispers 2. I had no idea there was a Hard Whisper 1. I also have no idea what a hard whisper is. What publisher are these women using? I have a few ideas I’d like to send them. Melissa tells Pam she’s not the only author at the club. Bonnie is writing a new book too and Maddie is the face of her book. Pam scoffs at the thought of Bonnie being able to write. Wait, Bonnie has a PhD and Pam thinks she can’t write a book? Lady, please. So, I guess we know what book #2 in the Reality Book Club is going to be. Surprisingly, I’m still the only member of said book club since I haven’t had any takers for book #1… Bonnie’s zombie book. I really kind of want to read it. Come on, join me. I’ll buy the wine!
Melissa: OK, Pam’s “Hard Whispers” versus Bonnie’s young detective series. OK, now I have to check these out.
My Book’s Better Than Yours
Rachel’s What Happened: Speaking of Bonnie, she’s hanging out with her newly re-anointed BFF Leslie at the club where they just coincidentally see an ad for Bonnie’s book. Isn’t it just so crazy how that happens? It’s almost as if it were planned… Bonnie says she took screen grabs of Pam’s first book and there are a bunch of typos in it. Now, I’m really dying to read it. Nothing makes me crazier. (And yes, I know the TWB are guilty of some doozies ourselves, but we don’t have editors!) Oh boy, here comes ChaCha. She wants to throw Bonnie a party for her new book. Well, who is Bonnie to tell her no.
Uh… Well, OK Then…
Rachel’s What Happened: Well, Bonnie can’t be the only one having a party for her book. So, the Fashionistas are throwing a party for Pam’s book – Official name: Hard Whispers… The China Syndrome. Pam says it explores the conspiracy around what China has influenced the United States to become. Oh, I am laughing so hard right now. That is something else. Come on people, who’s with me? This book should be read and discussed and mocked by groups of women everywhere! Anyway, Heidi so clearly would rather drink champagne and plan a party, but she is classy so she does ask what got Pam interested in conspiracies. UFO’s and the cover-ups at Area 51, natch. OK, have to pause the TV. I’m dying laughing now. This woman is killing me! Oh and the look on Heidi’s face is priceless. Regretting that decision to let her on the board, eh?
Melissa: Heidi wants to understand how Pam comes up with conspiracy theories…. Yeah, makes two of us. OMG these ladies are so not sure what to make of Pam’s craziness. I’m not either, but I love these sideways glances. Really Pam, solar flares highlighting UFO’s?? Something tells me Heidi is second-guessing letting you into the club.
All In The Family
Rachel’s What Happened: Well look at what we have here… Kalyn & Tyler cozied up on the couch. Methinks that I recall that they’re not actually blood related but this is still creeptastic. Leslie comes out of her room and wants to know what’s up with the cuddly wuddly under the blankie. Uh, what’s up with the baby talk? This just went from creepy to straight-up nauseating. Kalyn diverts attention from the “cuddly wuddly” by telling Leslie that she quit her job. This is part of the chapter she’s closing. Leslie always the sensitive, understanding mentor tells Kalyn that there are no free rides in her house so she should not come home ’til she has a job. Didn’t she just say last week that she would never send Kalyn packing? Well, she did forget about the fact her son and goddaughter are canoodling on her couch.
Melissa: Tyler and Kalyn snuggling on the couch… what part of that isn’t gross? Even though you aren’t technically related, you are being raised as siblings. Oh snap, Leslie’s wheels are spinning on not getting any more comp dresses for her faux pageant.
How Not To Succeed In Business
Rachel’s What Happened: Kalyn goes to her job interview at Trailercakes, a mobile bakery, with a hippie hair braid situation that I can’t quite suss out. They want to know about her experience baking. I want to know why she would go to an interview with that hair. She tells them about the pasta she makes. Yeah, pasta is totally the same as cupcakes. She also doesn’t have any photos of anything she’s decorated. Well, this is off to a banner start. She hasn’t done any baking in her cooking classes either. You’re really making it hard for them to not hire you on the spot, aren’t you? This job will expect her to bake 2,000 cupcakes in 3 hours. She says that’s overwhelming. Genius response. The only reason this girl would possibly be hired is for the free publicity.
Melissa: Wait, there are mobile bakeries ?? I MUST visit this town. Sorry… OK, I’m kinda with these ladies not understanding how her baking Italian pastas makes her think she can mass produce cakes in their trailer… Yes ladies, we’re all confused too.
Rachel’s What Happened: And speaking of free publicity, time to meet the matchmaker. She tells Leslie and Connie that everything is confidential and nothing will go beyond this room…. except for everything that camera over your shoulder is recording. Leslie says she likes big men. And by big, she means with some extra meat. She’s a chubby chaser… And yet she chastises her goddaughter for those 10 extra pounds. Makes sense. They want to double date… You know, that’s a good idea. Dating might not be so awful if you could bring a friend. Well, at least for me.
The matchmaker works fast and has a double date for Connie & Leslie. Connie tells Grace where she’s headed. Grace says no. Connie says she’s a grown up and she can go on a date if she wants. Good for you, Connie. It’s about time a parent put their kid in their place without the use of an open hand or a degrading fat comment. Grace doesn’t want people talking about her mom. Connie says what they’re talking about is Leslie going out with her ex… and yet you’re about to go on a double date with her. Oh, these women are bananas.
At dinner, Connie’s date tells the table that he has been averaging one date a week. For 3 years. He’s gone on about 150 dates in that time. Ew. How to make yourself totally unattractive to the opposite sex. Leslie’s date says he thinks he should be nice to everyone… no matter what they look like. Wait, did he just call Leslie ugly? Well, these dates are off to the races, eh? But then he says that women should have a closet full of shoes, and boom, both girls are smitten. To be honest, I can’t blame them. I’d probably consider a second date just for the promise of a man who will buy me shoes. It’s really that simple. Leslie is open to date number two with the big guy that called her ugly. Connie is less interested. Not that I blame her. Clearly misreading every signal she’s sent him all night, he gives her one on the lips anyhow. No wonder he isn’t getting many second dates. Before they part ways, Connie lets it “slip” yet again that Pam and the Fashionistas are hosting a party. Now Leslie has two dates on her calendar.
Melissa: Connie’s ideal man brushes his teeth, and Leslie likes big men. WOW, way to really think about your requirements there gals. This should be good. So, Grace is upset that her parents are dating and goes all attitude on Connie for going out. Again, if she’s not paying the bills, she doesn’t get a say. Connie’s date averages 50 dates a year?? Um, WOW! Well, in all fairness to the matchmaker, I’m sure he brushes before each of those dates. I love Leslie’s date, how cute is he?? Plus, you know I like me a man who appreciates a woman’s love of shoes.
Strike A Pose
Rachel’s What Happened: Over at Bonnie’s, Maddie is doing a photo shoot for Bonnie’s book version of the updated Nancy Drew… aka Fiona Frost. Maddie’s still mad at Melissa who says that it was really Pam that told Kalyn to rebel against Leslie. Well, no it was both of you and how is Leslie’s twisted revenge plot Pam’s fault? Apparently it’s because Pam likes to cross lines. Bonnie says that Pam has created fake internet accounts to blast her all over the internet since she announced her upcoming book release. Based on what they say she’s pretty sure it’s Pam because the online posts have the same typos she had in her book. She did a scientific study that used statistical analysis of typos (does that really exist?) to narrow it down to a .0001% probability it’s her… I think she meant it’s not her. I mean wouldn’t a probability that small be a bad thing if you’re saying it is her? Wouldn’t you want that to be a 99.999% probability? Now, I’m confused. I guess I’ll just have to trust her since she is a scientist and I’m not…
Melissa: What I don’t get is why Melissa still hasn’t talked about the whole “Mommy lost her crown because she got knocked up” incident. I’m really not sure what the issue is. Again, I don’t get pageants or that world so maybe that’s like the scarlet letter of the pageant world.
Scratch My Back And I’ll Scratch Tyler’s
Rachel’s What Happened: Amber stops by Maddie & Kalyn’s table at the club to ask about Tyler. You know, does he have a girlfriend or anything? Kalyn says she doesn’t think so and since they hang out 24/7, she’d know. Sensing where this is potentially going, Kalyn changes the subject to her quitting her dress job & looking for a job at a bakery before Leslie kicks her out. Well, isn’t this convenient? Amber’s cousin works at a bakery. If Kalyn hooks her up with Tyler, she’ll hook Kalyn up with a job. Oh, what a deliciously contrived love triangle we’ve set up here. Kalyn goes for it though. Well, at least she’s going to pretend to until she gets the job. Then she’ll keep her hands in both cookie jars.
Melissa: Amber asks Kalyn if Tyler has a girlfriend… WOW, that was a total look!! As skeevy at it is, it’s you my dear. But don’t say that, because everyone will be as freaked as we are. BUT, resourceful girl she is, she’ll pimp out her Tyler hook-ups for some bakery hook-ups… Poor Amber, you have no idea what you’re in for.
Rachel’s What Happened: Melissa wants to clear the air with Maddie… finally. Maddie says it’s embarrassing. Melissa says she was embarrassed to tell her that she made a mistake… but, in the end, it was a good thing for her. She was happy to be pregnant. Whew, for a second, I wasn’t sure she was going to remember the part about being happy for her daughter. She says she loves her and she doesn’t want her to make the same mistakes, which is why she’s had her clutches in her for so long. And here I thought that was just called parenting. To seal the forgiveness, Melissa gives Maddie back her car keys. Wait, so this is how it works? Sneak out and lie to your parent and get grounded until you can find out some dirt on said parent? Ok, then…
Melissa: I’m glad Melissa and Maddie finally have “the talk”. And by that, I mean her de-crowing. I guess Mom’s getting de-crowned means you get de-grounded.
C Is For Cookie
Rachel’s What Happened? Time for interview number 2. This time Kalyn’s smart enough to play the game and say she’s always loved baking. She actually says she bakes something other than ziti this time. The manager agrees to give her a trial run since she has the skill set. Well played, Kalyn. Well played. She gets to bake and eat all day. Oh Leslie, is not going to be happy.
Melissa: Um, be careful telling them you bake every day… Turning on an oven isn’t really baking.
All The Drama of Dallas
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie finds another one of Pam’s cyber-stalking accounts. This time, she says Bonnie is a “looser”. Ah, one of my pet peeves – not knowing the difference between loser and looser. That, and you’re vs your. I’m sure I’ll be hearing from some of you about that, but it really does drive me crazy. Bonnie says Pam needs to live by karma. Karma’s gonna get her. And my karma, she means taking matters into her own hands and getting even with Pam.
But first, Bonnie has to launch her new Fiona Frost book at her own party at the Southfork Ranch. In between making sure everything is going smoothly, ChaCha takes the time to tell Shaye she made the right choice by choosing fruit instead of cookies, and then calls her Sasquatch in front of her friends. Wow. I hope that woman sleeps with one eye open, because she is seriously pushing that child to the edge. Maddie reads as Fiona Frost and is actually pretty cute. Hannah shows up at the party and Bonnie asks how her cyber-bullying mom is. Whitney is embarrassed… And if Whitney is embarrassed, that’s saying something. I can’t blame her though. There is never a good reason for parents to bring kids into their silly petty arguments. Hannah says Pam runs two companies and doesn’t have enough time to cyber-bully. Let’s all politely smile and nod and back away before this goes any further.
Meanwhile, Leslie wants to apologize to Melissa whom she hopes has a special place in her heart to forgive her. I think you’re more likely to find she has a special place in her fist to punch you. She tells Melissa that she’s completely embarrassed, but she didn’t know Maddie didn’t know. Melissa tells her that her apology seems calculated and that she’s still raw. Leslie doesn’t want this to affect the kids and she knows what she did was worse than her telling Kalyn to quit pageants. Melissa says the apology still didn’t feel genuine…. That’s because Leslie is allergic to anything genuine.
Melissa: OK, isn’t the author supposed to read the book, and not the cover girl? I never heard of Fabio reading at book signings. OK Bonnie, no need to attack Pam’s daughter Hannah about your beef with Pam. Follow your own rules and no attacking the kids. You don’t want to be seen as the bully in this instance. OK Leslie, we all see through that apology of yours, but hey, if it makes you feel better.
Almost Hallmark Moment
Rachel’s What’s Happening: Grace asks how Connie’s date was. Connie says it was just something different and it was nice to go to dinner with someone she didn’t know. Grace tells her mom that she doesn’t care anymore about her dating. She’s happy for her mom and likes that her mom seems happy… and she buys her things when she’s happy. Oh so close to a really sweet moment!
The Fashionistas Meet Drama
Rachel’s What Happened: Hannah tells Pam about Bonnie’s cyber-bullying comment. Hannah says Bonnie’s the bully. But Pam doesn’t give a shit because there’s nothing intellectual about Bonnie. Besides, she has more important things to worry about, like her party for Hard Whispers 2. I want to name my non-existent band Hard Whispers. We’ll cover Careless Whisper but do it as a heavy metal version. It’s gonna be rad! But first I have to learn to play an instrument.
Anyway over at the party, Leslie crashes again and Connie wants to know why. It’s because Leslie wants to join the Fashionistas, of course – the next stage in her revenge plot against Pam. But she’ll have to surrender the role of “insane scene starter” tonight because Bonnie just found out that her mystery stalker (aka Pam) has gone after Whitney. Whitney doesn’t care but Bonnie is on the warpath. Looks like we’re about to have another Bonnie blowout. Whitney says not to forget to check-in on Facebook as her mother storms out of the house. A tip of the hat, Whitney. Excellent comeback.
Pam’s bodyguard… wait, Pam has a bodyguard? For what does Pam need a bodyguard? I guess she’s seen too many Kim G. appearances on RHONJ. While Leslie bonds with Fashionista Leanne over pageants, Pam considers whether or not to have her bodyguard throw Leslie out. But he will probably be occupied with the fireball raging through the door in the form of one Bonnie Blossman. She unleashes on Pam calling her a bully and accusing her of going after her daughter. Pam laughs and walks away leaving the bodyguard to deal with Bonnie. He tells her to leave and Bonnie says, “Make me.” I kinda love her for that response and I kinda am scared for her at the same time. She decides to leave on her own and knocks over a table on her way out. Texas goes Jersey! Leslie chases her out and gives her props. Yeah, you’re only the second biggest ass in the room now. Needless to say, Heidi is not pleased with the scene. Drama flattens the bubbles in her champagne and that is not OK. She tells Pam that it makes her nervous that these people are out there in her circle, which is now in her own circle. She doesn’t put up with that crap. It’s getting hot under the collar for Miss Pam.
Melissa: Oh this is going to be good when Bonnie rolls up and causes her scene. But wait, Leslie showed up?? Oh, this is really going to be a good party! Oh come on Bonnie, the “make me”? Really? That’s not going to get anyone on your side. However, you set Heidi off, and that my dear, will be fun to watch.
Rachel: Hee hee… The wheels are coming off the carts and the drama is starting to really unfold. Love it.
Melissa: OK, I can’t wait for next week and the whole Kalyn / Tyler skeeve!! Maybe I’ll even get adventurous and possibly have a book review of Bonnie and Pam’s books – well, maybe just the first chapters.