One Sentence Summary – The stage moms are on the warpath and ready to take down anyone in their way.
Rachel: As I mentioned in my Real Housewives of Atlanta post, I chose to enjoy a Sunday evening alcohol-free. Me and green tea and a lot of loud women. Wasn’t my best choice ever. I really should have dulled the sharp edges a bit before I doubled my pleasure with the crazy ladies of Sunday night reality TV. But I didn’t so I’m gonna have to take the hits with no anesthesia. Joy.
Melissa: Apologies yet again for my no-show last week. Unfortunately, while I watched and I really DID have a lot to say about Whitney’s behavior towards her parents and Leslie’s manhandling her goddaughter’s life, I didn’t have time to blog about it. And since I did not have my usual outlet, I sat muttering to myself while watching. It wasn’t pretty my friends. This week I’m back. And with the ridiculously unseasonable weather we’re having, I spent the late afternoon on the deck in the sunshine sipping on Flora Springs Soliloquy Sauvignon Blanc and it’s just carrying on through Texas Time.
Rachel’s What Happened: Well, we’re back to listening to Leslie prattle on about her fabulous business venture: Life’s a Pageant… I always thought life was a cabaret. Maybe it’s a cabaret in New York but a pageant in Texas. Anyway, Leslie had her son Tyler make her new brochures. They’re definitely a step up from what she had done at Kinko’s the week before though I’m not really sure who’s still using brochures in 2012. She calls Tyler a genius. I’m pretty sure I heard the cameraman snickering at that one. Speaking of kids whose lives she’s screwing up, Kalyn comes home to be told she’s Leslie’s success story. Well, she will be after she attends 2 hours of dance rehearsal and loses 5 – 10 pounds in two weeks. As Pam & Melissa’s words of her being used by Leslie are echoing in her ears, Leslie gives Kalyn a little something she picked up for her… Diet pills. Did she really just give her diet pills? OMG! What is wrong with this woman? You don’t give a 17-year-old girl diet pills unless you want her to have an eating disorder for her 18th birthday. These are the moments that inspire Lifetime Movies & After School Specials.
Melissa: Leslie, I cannot believe you are still pretending Kalyn winning Miss Dallas will help your pageant business. Poor Kalyn is finally realizing Pam and Melissa are right. Yeah, wake up sweetie and smell the petroleum jelly on your teeth. Oh, Leslie you did NOT just buy her diet pills! Way to go shattering her body image, you evil woman.
Rachel’s What Happened: Over at the insane asylum that is ChaCha’s house, Grace and Shaye are talking about cheer practice. Seems Shaye isn’t progressing up the cheer ranks and quickly as her mama would like and that’s not acceptable. ChaCha says it’s because Shaye lands with her legs apart. (Insert inappropriate teenage-girl-with-legs-apart joke here.) She thinks Shaye should go to Grace’s gym since Grace is advancing faster than her daughter. Shaye makes a smart remark to her mother and ChaCha threatens to pull out the spoon. On the outside, everyone’s laughing, but on the inside it’s just scary… Well, actually ChaCha is probably laughing on the inside too.
Melissa: I don’t understand cheer, and really don’t understand how one progresses to the “ready -O-K!” ranks. Unfortunately for Shaye, she’s not progressing at the rate Mommy sees fit – this can’t be good. I’m sensing a full on “no more wire hangers” moment but with cartwheels. Is it just me or does Deaynni have the most bizarre household? Did she just admit there’s a paddle to hit her kids with? I mean we all know she hits her kids, but really is that a wise statement to make in front of Grace, and national television for that matter?
When Hard Work Won’t Do, Consider Surgery
Rachel’s What Happened: At Kalyn’s rehearsal, Leslie suggests that Kalyn consider non-invasive liposuction to fight off those last few extra pounds. Are you frigging kidding me? This poor girl clearly doesn’t want to be doing this pageant crap, let alone having to hear about how imperfect she is. It’d be one thing if this were her lifelong dream. If you’re dying to be a pageant girl, then you have to play by the pageant rules. And those rules say, you don’t have to be able to answer a question about finding the United States on a map, but you do have to be a size zero. Kalyn doesn’t want to play by these rules, at all, so leave her alone already! Why do I have a feeling she has a box full of chocolate bars & twinkies underneath her bed? Now, let’s hear more about that no-surgery lipo… I wouldn’t be mad at some fat melting.
Melissa: I swear I do not understand that bat shit crazy woman. That is just evil to do to a girl. I wonder what happened to her to make her so obsessed with pageants.
Going On A Manhunt
Rachel’s What Happened: So Whitney and her co-worker Rayann (aka the poor man’s Aubrey O’Day) suggests that they start dating up. And by up, she means a man with money. This is an angle Whitney has never considered, which is shocking seeing how she has no interest in supporting herself ever. Plus, it’s a much faster way to get those porn star boobs. Whitney tells Bonnie she is going man hunting for men with money. Bonnie says she didn’t raise a gold digger & wants Whitney to pay her own way in life. Yes! Love that, Bonnie! Whitney says, no you pay my way. And Bonnie says… Oh, whatever. No! Hate that, Bonnie! I think Bonnie is hilariously awesome, but just wish she would kick her kid in the ass a little bit. Oh well…
Melissa: The girls realize they need men who are established and will buy them gifts and drinks… That’s a good approach. Seriously, who grows up thinking I’m gonna marry rich and pretend I’m not a gold digger? (Insert Rachel comment: Uh, lots of girls, sadly.) Pay your own way in this world – Possibly the wisest thing I’ve heard Bonnie say… Well, any mother for that matter. How refreshing is that?! Sadly, I have a feeling that won’t stick as well as those false eyelashes. Hats off to you Bonnie for TRYING to teach your daughter to not rely on a man.
Can’t We At Least Try?
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie & Bonnie are trying to make up. Leslie wants her to know that she never made Tyler date Whitney, but believes he probably told Whitney that anyway. Yeah, right. She says Tyler doesn’t have a lot of experience. Ha! And with one sentence, mom has just killed his dating life. Leslie says she would never use Bonnie just to get into the club because Bonnie’s an outcast there. So why would she choose her to build her social life? How’s that for an argument. Bonnie still isn’t thrilled with the “tacky ass” comment she made about Whitney and questions her stories about her investments in Seattle. Leslie spins more tales to talk herself out of it all. Bonnie’s wary but willing to give her another shot. Be very wary, Bonnie. Very.
Melissa: Bonnie is still a bit guarded with Leslie… She needs to be more like Fort Knox if you ask me.
Rachel’s What Happened: So this morbidly obese doctor is going to tell Kalyn about losing weight? Alrighty… He says that he can do the non-invasive procedure but she won’t lose the weight she needs to in two weeks. That won’t do for Leslie. Leslie wants her to do lipo. Kalyn feels like crap because Leslie sees her body as disgusting. Leslie, who clearly hasn’t heard a single word Kalyn has said to her in months, tells her to get over it and just do the lipo. It’s really the only option. Holy shit, I want to beat Leslie with a big bag of fat. She is what’s wrong with this country.
Melissa: I cannot believe Leslie would subject her goddaughter to such things. I mean really, there’s one thing to live vicariously through your kids but it’s a whole other to belittle them so that you can promote your business. And no offense here doc, but you’re talking about a young girl’s “love handles”. Maybe you should take a look at your own love handles and maybe that waddle of yours, as well. Shit, was that mean?? I don’t care. This whole thing is ridiculous and unacceptable to put an teenager through. OK Leslie, you’re about stomping on my last nerve right now with Kalyn’s weight and suggesting to a high school child to get liposuction makes me sick. Who are you??
We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do…
Rachel’s What Happened: I’m seriously so not a southern girl. The cheer culture just escapes me. Connie’s thrilled to see ChaCha at Grace’s gym… not. She’s even less thrilled when she sits next to her and starts screaming like she’s in a sports bar watching a cage fight. Dear Lord woman, stop yelling at your daughter. You’re freaking her out. Of course she’s going to keep falling down! The other mothers are quietly horrified. Mama’s ready for Shaye to move up. If she doens’t move up, she’s not paying for her to cheer anymore. Connie looks like she’s trying to crawl out of her own skin to get away from this banana. Seriously, judging another one of Leslie’s fake pageants would be more pleasant.
After ChaCha makes another loud appearance at the gum, Connie suggests she let her daughter go to whatever gym she wants (aka: not this one). “My money, my choice.” says ChaCha. Finally Connie can’t take her another minute & calls her out for slapping her kid. Oh, I can’t wait to hear this response. She says she apologized to Shaye, but she needed it. Uh, anyone else think there needs to be an agent from Child Protective Services on-set at all times? Shaye says wants to live with Connie. Cha Cha says she’d hate because they’re always on diets. Lovely.
Finally, it’s time to see which girls made the leap to Level 4 where they get to learn how to do spirit fingers. Shaye nails her back flippy thing. So does Grace, but her spirit was low. Oh come on. How does one have spirit while hurtling through the air? Shaye makes it and spares herself a beating back home. I think the coach was going to pass her regardless because he was scared of a beating out in the parking lot. Grace doesn’t make it, but Connie is supportive of her. Take a note, ChaCha.
Melissa: Again, I don’t get this cheer business, but my goodness how funny is Connie’s reaction to seeing Deaynni showing up much less plopping down next to her? Then again if I were Connie I wouldn’t be able to take this woman either. Those teeth, that mouth… OY, it’s a lot to take and I have the benefit of volume control and fast forward. Someone needs to muzzle Deaynni. Does she realize there are other people there who need to concentrate? I mean really, if I’m trying to tumble and I hear that caterwauling going on, I’m going to fall on my ass. Did they just say Grace needed more spirit?? I swear if I have to see some jazz hands, I’m out of here. I keep flashing to that Cheerleader movie – yes, I know there are a lot of them, but the one at cheer camp… Fired Up – you gotta risk it for the biscuit. Oh, such a digression, sorry. Poor Grace didn’t make it to the next level, but thankfully for Shaye there will be no beatings for her poor performance at the try outs.
The Cardboard That Broke The Camel’s Back
Rachel’s What Happened: Speaking of fake pageants, Leslie comes home with a fake Kalyn. Yes, that’s right she is now making cardboard cut-outs of Kalyn’s head on a fake body. This is your head on anorexia. That’s it. Kalyn’s done. She’s miserable. She’s unhappy. She likes the way she looks and doesn’t want to do this anymore. She feels like Pam & Melissa were right that she’s being used. Unfortunately, all Leslie hears in that entire meltdown is Pam & Melissa. She says that Pam’s using Kalyn to get under her skin. Wow, this woman is thicker than a 100-year-old Redwood.
Melissa: OK, I’m sorry but I think my 6 year old can do a better photoshop than that sad stand-up. Leslie, I really want to smack you. Listen to this girl, she is miserable and it is your fault. Yes, she should take Pam and Melissa’s advice to tell you she doesn’t want to be in pageants (which I believe she has actually tried to do on multiple occasions). Maybe then she could start to feel good about herself.
Let The Plotting Begin
Rachel’s What Happened: Instead of caring for her goddaughter who is clearly in distress about this whole pageant insanity, Leslie runs to Bonnie about Pam & Melissa. I guess this is how they’re sucking Pam back into a storyline.
In what can only be yet another coincidence, Leslie just happens to be at Connie’s store the same time the Fashionistas are about to arrive to shop for their upcoming fashion event. So let me get this straight… The Fashionists are the who’s who of Dallas fashion and that is why they are coming to a resale shop to buy clothes for a party? Guess I just don’t get Texas fashion. Anyway, Connie tells Leslie all about the event where Pam is going to be trying to impress her new friends. What in the world might happen? We can’t even imagine…
Melissa: Look at you Connie, letting Leslie know Pam made it to the Fashionista Board. Can you smell the thoughts burning away in Leslie’s head about how she can use any of this to her advantage to try to screw things up for Pam? What preposterous story will she concoct for this…
Nice Guys Finish Last
Rachel’s What Happened: Rayann invited some “classy & intelligent” guys to meet up with her & Whitney. This should be good. Professional men = boring to Whitney. It’s like talking to her parents. Well, probably because they’re closer in age to your parents. Seems Whitney can’t win the game of love these days so she tells Bonnie that she’s going to take some time off from dating and concentrate on what’s important: Getting boobs. Bonnie suggests working on herself as a person instead. Do I need to tell you how that was received? No, didn’t think I did.
Melissa: Whitney and Rayann are off to try to meet some men, and who do they bring in as their expert panel for advice on men… Men… Literally, they are 33 and 35. Does anyone feel dirty??
This Is Just Wrong On So Many Levels
Rachel’s What Happened: Tyler, sensing how upset Kalyn is about her fight with Leslie, brings her some ice cream. She tells him she’s scared Leslie will send her home. Tyler, also sensing her need for some comfort, makes himself at home on her bed and tells her that he won’t let her get sent home. He’s going to protect her. This is like the equivalent of the creepy guy outside the high school asking the girls if they want some candy. Holy uncomfortable moment, Batman!
Melissa: What’s up with Tyler and Kalyn? EW, aren’t you the little Sir Skeeves-a-lot. That’s your cousin dude! That was nasty. Seriously, I need to spray my eyes with Lysol. I swear to GOD, I thought he really looked like he was about to lean in for a kiss.
Sloppy Revenge Part 1
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie shows up unannounced at the Fashionista’s jewelry launch party because Connie made it sound like “so much fun”. Yeah, ok. She’s there to exact her revenge on Pam meddling in her business by intruding on her friendship with Heidi and letting Pam’s true colors show. Wow, that’s some evil genius there. Did you work on that all afternoon? Leslie interrupts a conversation between Pam & Heidi to introduce herself, which annoys Pam. Since Heidi doesn’t seem interested in being rude to Leslie, she leaves the party. Heidi finds her abrupt leaving in bad taste. At least I think so… You can’t really tell what Heidi thinks because she’s hopped up on so much Botox that her face is void of expression. She does ask Leslie to friend her on Facebook so I guess part one of Leslie’s revenge is a success. Boy that Leslie is some dark mistress…
Melissa: Leslie’s plan to rock the boat with Pam by becoming Heidi Dillon’s new BFF seem a little… I don’t know… What’s the word… Transparent? Especially when you know she’s going to check up on you with Pam and get all of the juicy details you swear aren’t true.
Sloppy Revenge Part 2
Rachel’s What Happened: Tonight is dinner at the club on ChaCha in celebration of Shaye’s cheer-triculation. While they’re enjoying their time with Connie, Grace, Melissa & Maddie, they are unaware that in the background Leslie is lurking waiting to exact revenge on Melissa. Lurker Leslie is furious about what Melissa did to her pageant business. That’s right. She’s not mad that she didn’t come to her about Kalyn. She’s upset about her business. Woman, if you’re as good as you say your are, you should be able to teach the girls your damn self. Melissa asks Leslie if she has asked Kalyn what she wants. She says yes (which is actually no), but she’s still mad about her business. And now it’s time for Leslie’s Revenge… muhahaha… And out it comes. She says she knows Melissa was de-crowned (I suppose that’s an official term) as Miss Dallas or Miss Texas or something for being pregnant. Way to let that loose in front of her kid. What a word-I-can’t-say-on-this-blog. Seeing how upset Maddie got and how everyone looked at her like she sprouted a second head, she reconsiders whether she should have said that in front of everyone. Ya think? So, Leslie tells us she assumed Maddie knew and now she feels badly. Uh, there’s no part of you that assumed she knew and no part of you that feels badly. If she knew, then what would be the use of dropping it into the middle of a dinner party? You can’t keep acting like an asshole and then saying you’re sorry.
Melissa: Melissa was de-crowned for being pregnant?! <GASP> That is important why? Oh, I should also state I don’t get pageants either. PSA here Melissa: If you don’t want people to know why you were “kicked out”, don’t say you’ve been in pageants because you know the internet has all that stuff ready for someone with a little time. Way to go Leslie, proving yet again you care about no one but yourself. Pssst, she isn’t telling your goddaughter to quit pageants to spite you. It’s because she’s miserable.
The Cleavers They Ain’t
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie wants to make peace with Kalyn and tells her a story about how Nick (who?) should have never quit violin. She should have pushed him to continue and it’s her job to push her. Uh, how deluded can you be? Kalyn says you didn’t push. You crossed a line. Leslie says she was doing everything she did for her. Kalyn calls her out and says the lipo wasn’t for her. That was to please Leslie. And if she’s not happy with Kalyn, that’s too bad. Kalyn’s happy with herself. Hooray for Kalyn! Way to stand up to this insanity! But the real issue is that she is scared she’s going to be sent back to California. Her mom got rid of her, why wouldn’t Leslie? Jesus, this is a messed up kid. I’m surprised she has any self-esteem at all being that every role model in her life has tried to suck it out of her… along with the fat. But Leslie considers herself her mom & all is well in the Verona Apartments. To seal the deal on their new relationship, Leslie says they should go and get In ‘n Out burgers. Wait, they have In ‘n Out in Texas? Now, that’s news.
Rachel: OMG, my head hurts. This show has ADD and it’s making me crazy.
Melissa: 2 things I feel compelled to understand better… cheer and pageants… only so I understand why these women are BSC about them!!