Big Rich Texas Season 2, Week 5 – Cheer Momster

One Sentence Summary – The stage moms are on the warpath and ready to take down anyone in their way.

I've raised my eyebrows to make you think I'm listening to you when in reality I can only hear the voices in my head.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  As I mentioned in my Real Housewives of Atlanta post, I chose to enjoy a Sunday evening alcohol-free.  Me and green tea and a lot of loud women.  Wasn’t my best choice ever.  I really should have dulled the sharp edges a bit before I doubled my pleasure with the crazy ladies of Sunday night reality TV.  But I didn’t so I’m gonna have to take the hits with no anesthesia.  Joy.  

Melissa:  Apologies yet again for my no-show last week.  Unfortunately, while I watched and I really DID have a lot to say about Whitney’s behavior towards her parents and Leslie’s manhandling her goddaughter’s life, I didn’t have time to blog about it.  And since I did not have my usual outlet, I sat muttering to myself while watching.  It wasn’t pretty my friends.  This week I’m back.  And with the ridiculously unseasonable weather we’re having, I spent the late afternoon on the deck in the sunshine sipping on Flora Springs Soliloquy Sauvignon Blanc and it’s just carrying on through Texas Time.

Slave Labor

Look, you can be a beauty queen just like Kalyn isn't!

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, we’re back to listening to Leslie prattle on about her fabulous business venture: Life’s a Pageant… I always thought life was a cabaret.  Maybe it’s a cabaret in New York but a pageant in Texas.  Anyway, Leslie had her son Tyler make her new brochures.  They’re definitely a step up from what she had done at Kinko’s the week before though I’m not really sure who’s still using brochures in 2012.  She calls Tyler a genius.  I’m pretty sure I heard the cameraman snickering at that one.  Speaking of kids whose lives she’s screwing up, Kalyn comes home to be told she’s Leslie’s success story.  Well, she will be after she attends 2 hours of dance rehearsal and loses 5 – 10 pounds in two weeks.  As Pam & Melissa’s words of her being used by Leslie are echoing in her ears, Leslie gives Kalyn a little something she picked up for her… Diet pills. Did she really just give her diet pills?  OMG!  What is wrong with this woman?  You don’t give a 17-year-old girl diet pills unless you want her to have an eating disorder for her 18th birthday.  These are the moments that inspire Lifetime Movies & After School Specials.

Melissa:  Leslie, I cannot believe you are still pretending Kalyn winning Miss Dallas will help your pageant business.  Poor Kalyn is finally realizing Pam and Melissa are right.  Yeah, wake up sweetie and smell the petroleum jelly on your teeth.  Oh, Leslie you did NOT just buy her diet pills!  Way to go shattering her body image, you evil woman.

Spoon Woman

Don't make me get out the paddle!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Over at the insane asylum that is ChaCha’s house, Grace and Shaye are talking about cheer practice.  Seems Shaye isn’t progressing up the cheer ranks and quickly as her mama would like and that’s not acceptable. ChaCha says it’s because Shaye lands with her legs apart. (Insert inappropriate teenage-girl-with-legs-apart joke here.)  She thinks Shaye should go to Grace’s gym since Grace is advancing faster than her daughter.  Shaye makes a smart remark to her mother and ChaCha threatens to pull out the spoon.  On the outside, everyone’s laughing, but on the inside it’s just scary… Well, actually ChaCha is probably laughing on the inside too.

Melissa:  I don’t understand cheer, and really don’t understand how one progresses to the “ready -O-K!” ranks.  Unfortunately for Shaye, she’s not progressing at the rate Mommy sees fit – this can’t be good.  I’m sensing a full on “no more wire hangers” moment but with cartwheels.  Is it just me or does Deaynni have the most bizarre household?  Did she just admit there’s a paddle to hit her kids with?  I mean we all know she hits her kids, but really is that a wise statement to make in front of Grace, and national television for that matter?

When Hard Work Won’t Do, Consider Surgery

You keep talking about my weight. I'll just stand her stuffing my feelings down with this milkshake.

Rachel’s What Happened:  At Kalyn’s rehearsal, Leslie suggests that Kalyn consider non-invasive liposuction to fight off those last few extra pounds.  Are you frigging kidding me?  This poor girl clearly doesn’t want to be doing this pageant crap, let alone having to hear about how imperfect she is.  It’d be one thing if this were her lifelong dream.  If you’re dying to be a pageant girl, then you have to play by the pageant rules.  And those rules say, you don’t have to be able to answer a question about finding the United States on a map, but you do have to be a size zero.  Kalyn doesn’t want to play by these rules, at all, so leave her alone already!  Why do I have a feeling she has a box full of chocolate bars & twinkies underneath her bed?  Now, let’s hear more about that no-surgery lipo… I wouldn’t be mad at some fat melting.

Melissa:  I swear I do not understand that bat shit crazy woman. That is just evil to do to a girl.  I wonder what happened to her to make her so obsessed with pageants.

Going On A Manhunt

Will men with money buy me boobs?

Rachel’s What Happened:  So Whitney and her co-worker Rayann (aka the poor man’s Aubrey O’Day) suggests that they start dating up.  And by up, she means a man with money.  This is an angle Whitney has never considered, which is shocking seeing how she has no interest in supporting herself ever.  Plus, it’s a much faster way to get those porn star boobs.  Whitney tells Bonnie she is going man hunting for men with money.  Bonnie says she didn’t raise a gold digger & wants Whitney to pay her own way in life.  Yes!  Love that, Bonnie!  Whitney says, no you pay my way.  And Bonnie says… Oh, whatever.  No!  Hate that, Bonnie!  I think Bonnie is hilariously awesome, but just wish she would kick her kid in the ass a little bit.  Oh well…

Melissa:  The girls realize they need men who are established and will buy them gifts and drinks… That’s a good approach.  Seriously, who grows up thinking I’m gonna marry rich and pretend I’m not a gold digger?  (Insert Rachel comment:  Uh, lots of girls, sadly.)  Pay your own way in this world – Possibly the wisest thing I’ve heard Bonnie say… Well, any mother for that matter.  How refreshing is that?!  Sadly, I have a feeling that won’t stick as well as those false eyelashes.  Hats off to you Bonnie for TRYING to teach your daughter to not rely on a man.

Can’t We At Least Try?

Oh I bought the keyboard so Kalyn can compose her own original song for the Miss Dallas pageant.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie & Bonnie are trying to make up.  Leslie wants her to know that she never made Tyler date Whitney, but believes he probably told Whitney that anyway.  Yeah, right.  She says Tyler doesn’t have a lot of experience.  Ha!  And with one sentence, mom has just killed his dating life.  Leslie says she would never use Bonnie just to get into the club because Bonnie’s an outcast there.  So why would she choose her to build her social life?  How’s that for an argument.  Bonnie still isn’t thrilled with the “tacky ass” comment she made about Whitney and questions her stories about her investments in Seattle.  Leslie spins more tales to talk herself out of it all.  Bonnie’s wary but willing to give her another shot.  Be very wary, Bonnie.  Very.

Melissa:  Bonnie is still a bit guarded with Leslie… She needs to be more like Fort Knox if you ask me.

Suck It

No really, I'm a weight loss expert.

Rachel’s What Happened:  So this morbidly obese doctor is going to tell Kalyn about losing weight?  Alrighty… He says that he can do the non-invasive procedure but she won’t lose the weight she needs to in two weeks.  That won’t do for Leslie.  Leslie wants her to do lipo.  Kalyn feels like crap because Leslie sees her body as disgusting.  Leslie, who clearly hasn’t heard a single word Kalyn has said to her in months, tells her to get over it and just do the lipo.  It’s really the only option.  Holy shit, I want to beat Leslie with a big bag of fat.  She is what’s wrong with this country.

Melissa:  I cannot believe Leslie would subject her goddaughter to such things.  I mean really, there’s one thing to live vicariously through your kids but it’s a whole other to belittle them so that you can promote your business.  And no offense here doc, but you’re talking about a young girl’s “love handles”.  Maybe you should take a look at your own love handles and maybe that waddle of yours, as well.  Shit, was that mean??  I don’t care.  This whole thing is ridiculous and unacceptable to put an teenager through.  OK Leslie, you’re about stomping on my last nerve right now with Kalyn’s weight and suggesting to a high school child to get liposuction makes me sick.  Who are you??

We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do…

Land that back handspring, bitch!

Rachel’s What Happened:  I’m seriously so not a southern girl.  The cheer culture just escapes me.  Connie’s thrilled to see ChaCha at Grace’s gym… not.  She’s even less thrilled when she sits next to her and starts screaming like she’s in a sports bar watching a cage fight.  Dear Lord woman, stop yelling at your daughter.  You’re freaking her out.  Of course she’s going to keep falling down!  The other mothers are quietly horrified.  Mama’s ready for Shaye to move up.  If she doens’t move up, she’s not paying for her to cheer anymore.  Connie looks like she’s trying to crawl out of her own skin to get away from this banana.  Seriously, judging another one of Leslie’s fake pageants would be more pleasant.

After ChaCha makes another loud appearance at the gum, Connie suggests she let her daughter go to whatever gym she wants (aka: not this one).  “My money, my choice.” says ChaCha. Finally Connie can’t take her another minute & calls her out for slapping her kid.  Oh, I can’t wait to hear this response.  She says she apologized to Shaye, but she needed it.  Uh, anyone else think there needs to be an agent from Child Protective Services on-set at all times?  Shaye says wants to live with Connie.  Cha Cha says she’d hate because they’re always on diets.  Lovely.

Finally, it’s time to see which girls made the leap to Level 4 where they get to learn how to do spirit fingers.  Shaye nails her back flippy thing.  So does Grace, but her spirit was low.  Oh come on.  How does one have spirit while hurtling through the air?  Shaye makes it and spares herself a beating back home.  I think the coach was going to pass her regardless because he was scared of a beating out in the parking lot.  Grace doesn’t make it, but Connie is supportive of her.  Take a note, ChaCha.

Melissa:  Again, I don’t get this cheer business, but my goodness how funny is Connie’s reaction to seeing Deaynni showing up much less plopping down next to her?  Then again if I were Connie I wouldn’t be able to take this woman either.  Those teeth, that mouth… OY, it’s a lot to take and I have the benefit of volume control and fast forward.  Someone needs to muzzle Deaynni.  Does she realize there are other people there who need to concentrate?  I mean really, if I’m trying to tumble and I hear that caterwauling going on, I’m going to fall on my ass.  Did they just say Grace needed more spirit??  I swear if I have to see some jazz hands, I’m out of here.  I keep flashing to that Cheerleader movie – yes, I know there are a lot of them, but the one at cheer camp… Fired Up – you gotta risk it for the biscuit.  Oh, such a digression, sorry.  Poor Grace didn’t make it to the next level, but thankfully for Shaye there will be no beatings for her poor performance at the try outs.

The Cardboard That Broke The Camel’s Back

Well, if you won't help me, Kardboard Kalyn will!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Speaking of fake pageants, Leslie comes home with a fake Kalyn.  Yes, that’s right she is now making cardboard cut-outs of Kalyn’s head on a fake body.  This is your head on anorexia.  That’s it.  Kalyn’s done.  She’s miserable.  She’s unhappy.  She likes the way she looks and doesn’t want to do this anymore.  She feels like Pam & Melissa were right that she’s being used.  Unfortunately, all Leslie hears in that entire meltdown is Pam & Melissa.  She says that Pam’s using Kalyn to get under her skin.  Wow, this woman is thicker than a 100-year-old Redwood.

Melissa:  OK, I’m sorry but I think my 6 year old can do a better photoshop than that sad stand-up.  Leslie, I really want to smack you.  Listen to this girl, she is miserable and it is your fault.  Yes, she should take Pam and Melissa’s advice to tell you she doesn’t want to be in pageants (which I believe she has actually tried to do on multiple occasions).  Maybe then she could start to feel good about herself.

Let The Plotting Begin

Leslie, I'm too busy moving clothes from rack to rack to deal with you.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Instead of caring for her goddaughter who is clearly in distress about this whole pageant insanity, Leslie runs to Bonnie about Pam & Melissa.  I guess this is how they’re sucking Pam back into a storyline.

In what can only be yet another coincidence, Leslie just happens to be at Connie’s store the same time the Fashionistas are about to arrive to shop for their upcoming fashion event.  So let me get this straight… The Fashionists are the who’s who of Dallas fashion and that is why they are coming to a resale shop to buy clothes for a party?  Guess I just don’t get Texas fashion.  Anyway, Connie tells Leslie all about the event where Pam is going to be trying to impress her new friends.  What in the world might happen?  We can’t even imagine…

Melissa:  Look at you Connie, letting Leslie know Pam made it to the Fashionista Board.  Can you smell the thoughts burning away in Leslie’s head about how she can use any of this to her advantage to try to screw things up for Pam?  What preposterous story will she concoct for this…

Nice Guys Finish Last

Aw yeah, fresh meat!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Rayann invited some “classy & intelligent” guys to meet up with her & Whitney.  This should be good.  Professional men = boring to Whitney.  It’s like talking to her parents.  Well, probably because they’re closer in age to your parents.  Seems Whitney can’t win the game of love these days so she tells Bonnie that she’s going to take some time off from dating and concentrate on what’s important:  Getting boobs.  Bonnie suggests working on herself as a person instead.  Do I need to tell you how that was received?  No, didn’t think I did.

Melissa:  Whitney and Rayann are off to try to meet some men, and who do they bring in as their expert panel for advice on men… Men… Literally, they are 33 and 35.  Does anyone feel dirty??

This Is Just Wrong On So Many Levels

Tell Tyler what hurts and he'll make it all better.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Tyler, sensing how upset Kalyn is about her fight with Leslie, brings her some ice cream.  She tells him she’s scared Leslie will send her home.  Tyler, also sensing her need for some comfort, makes himself at home on her bed and tells her that he won’t let her get sent home.  He’s going to protect her.  This is like the equivalent of the creepy guy outside the high school asking the girls if they want some candy.  Holy uncomfortable moment, Batman!

Melissa:  What’s up with Tyler and Kalyn?  EW, aren’t you the little Sir Skeeves-a-lot.  That’s your cousin dude!  That was nasty.  Seriously, I need to spray my eyes with Lysol.  I swear to GOD, I thought he really looked like he was about to lean in for a kiss.

Sloppy Revenge Part 1

Is this woman really back to annoy me?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie shows up unannounced at the Fashionista’s jewelry launch party because Connie made it sound like “so much fun”.  Yeah, ok.  She’s there to exact her revenge on Pam meddling in her business by intruding on her friendship with Heidi and letting Pam’s true colors show.  Wow, that’s some evil genius there.  Did you work on that all afternoon?  Leslie interrupts a conversation between Pam & Heidi to introduce herself, which annoys Pam.  Since Heidi doesn’t seem interested in being rude to Leslie, she leaves the party.  Heidi finds her abrupt leaving in bad taste.  At least I think so… You can’t really tell what Heidi thinks because she’s hopped up on so much Botox that her face is void of expression.  She does ask Leslie to friend her on Facebook so I guess part one of Leslie’s revenge is a success.  Boy that Leslie is some dark mistress…

Melissa:  Leslie’s plan to rock the boat with Pam by becoming Heidi Dillon’s new BFF seem a little… I don’t know… What’s the word… Transparent?  Especially when you know she’s going to check up on you with Pam and get all of the juicy details you swear aren’t true.

Sloppy Revenge Part 2

Great Leslie, now could you please bring me some bread?

Rachel’s What Happened: Tonight is dinner at the club on ChaCha in celebration of Shaye’s cheer-triculation.  While they’re enjoying their time with Connie, Grace, Melissa & Maddie, they are unaware that in the background Leslie is lurking waiting to exact revenge on Melissa.  Lurker Leslie is furious about what Melissa did to her pageant business.  That’s right.  She’s not mad that she didn’t come to her about Kalyn.  She’s upset about her business.  Woman, if you’re as good as you say your are, you should be able to teach the girls your damn self.  Melissa asks Leslie if she has asked Kalyn what she wants.  She says yes (which is actually no), but she’s still mad about her business.  And now it’s time for Leslie’s Revenge… muhahaha… And out it comes.  She says she knows Melissa was de-crowned (I suppose that’s an official term) as Miss Dallas or Miss Texas or something for being pregnant.  Way to let that loose in front of her kid.  What a word-I-can’t-say-on-this-blog.  Seeing how upset Maddie got and how everyone looked at her like she sprouted a second head, she reconsiders whether she should have said that in front of everyone.  Ya think?  So, Leslie tells us she assumed Maddie knew and now she feels badly.  Uh, there’s no part of you that assumed she knew and no part of you that feels badly.  If she knew, then what would be the use of dropping it into the middle of a dinner party?  You can’t keep acting like an asshole and then saying you’re sorry.

Melissa:  Melissa was de-crowned for being pregnant?!  <GASP> That is important why?  Oh, I should also state I don’t get pageants either.  PSA here Melissa:  If you don’t want people to know why you were “kicked out”, don’t say you’ve been in pageants because you know the internet has all that stuff ready for someone with a little time.  Way to go Leslie, proving yet again you care about no one but yourself.  Pssst, she isn’t telling your goddaughter to quit pageants to spite you.  It’s because she’s miserable.

The Cleavers They Ain’t

Since you insist on being fat, should we go get some burgers?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie wants to make peace with Kalyn and tells her a story about how Nick (who?) should have never quit violin.  She should have pushed him to continue and it’s her job to push her.  Uh, how deluded can you be?  Kalyn says you didn’t push.  You crossed a line.  Leslie says she was doing everything she did for her.  Kalyn calls her out and says the lipo wasn’t for her.  That was to please Leslie.  And if she’s not happy with Kalyn, that’s too bad.  Kalyn’s happy with herself.  Hooray for Kalyn!  Way to stand up to this insanity!  But the real issue is that she is scared she’s going to be sent back to California.  Her mom got rid of her, why wouldn’t Leslie?  Jesus, this is a messed up kid.  I’m surprised she has any self-esteem at all being that every role model in her life has tried to suck it out of her… along with the fat.  But Leslie considers herself her mom & all is well in the Verona Apartments.  To seal the deal on their new relationship, Leslie says they should go and get In ‘n Out burgers.  Wait, they have In ‘n Out in Texas?  Now, that’s news.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  OMG, my head hurts.  This show has ADD and it’s making me crazy.

Melissa:  2 things I feel compelled to understand better… cheer and pageants… only so I understand why these women are BSC about them!!

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4 responses to “Big Rich Texas Season 2, Week 5 – Cheer Momster

  1. Pingback: (Pt 2/3) 'Big Rich Texas' Season 2 stars Bonnie and Whitney: Tyler out, Leslie in...sorta, and Pam's a bully | Ifelicious Thoughts

  2. You’re very good and very insightful, but your brains can’t be much larger than you say the housewives’ are if you grab onto an idea and stick with it in spite of evidence to the contrary. That idea? That this is a scripted show. Here’s some reality – Kalyn and Whitney TRULY hate each other’s guts. None of their fights were planned or staged. Kalyn says they can’t be in the same room together, and they literally haven’t been since the mock pageant fight. And the upcoming esisode called “Siblings With Benefits”, which is bound to have viewers retching all over the country, certainly wasn’t encouraged by ANYONE much less the producers. K&T thought they’d found a camera-free area, but the contract gives the cameramen rights to go anywhere in the house with no permission needed (except bathrooms). The cast also has absolutely ZERO control of what they show on TV. And just remember you’re accusing Allison Grodner and Rich Meehan, showrunners of the King of Psychological Reality Shows, “Big Brother”, the only show you can watch while it’s happening, of foisting fiction masquerading as reality on the public. Maybe you should find someone with a little less than 13 years of integrity to accuse of producing fake reality. To be fair, producers on “Big Brother” do TRY to infuence outcomes by working on Houseguests in the Diary Room, but they can’t force anyone to do what they say. Many times the producers fail to influence a Houseguest.

    • Well, let me start by thanking you for the semi-compliment of saying we’re very good and very insightful. So, thank you. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s address that small brain accusation, shall we? First of all, in no way, shape or form are we saying that the cast gets editing rights or are we saying the seasoned producers of this show don’t have integrity. What we are saying is that there isn’t a reality show on television that doesn’t hire writers and producers that create (or script) situations to create drama – or influence outcomes, as you put it. There is no way that all of these “situations” just happen organically. Some do, of course. But lots don’t. Let’s be honest, the “Bachelor” isn’t planning all those international dates by himself. Sure, how people behave in those situations is up to them. No one’s making them behave one way or another. I will agree to that. But let’s not be naive enough to think that there aren’t influenced outcomes on this or any other “reality” show on TV. I don’t think anyone is saying that makes any producer or writer a person without integrity. It just makes them part of what it takes to make reality TV fun to watch. That’s the biz… And for the record, I make my real living as a producer, which I’ve been doing with integrity for 12 years. 16 total in my industry. I know how hard their jobs are because I do it everyday. So, if I laugh at how silly some of the situations are, I do it as a fan of a show that I’m clearly tuning in to watch every week, not as someone who thinks anyone is trying to “pull one over on me.” I know what I’m signing up for.

      • Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My compliment was sincere, you two lovely ladies have very insightful & entertaining comments on the show.
        There was one thing you didn’t seem to understand. Grodner & Meehan (aka Fly on The Wall Entertainment) are the original and current producers of “Big Brother.” Your comments lead me to believe you’re not familiar with that show. “Influencing outcomes” is HUGELY different from scripting. Remember “BB” can be seen by anyone 24 hours a day – LIVE. So people are being who they are all of the time. On that show a producer doesn’t say to a houseguest, “Go over to Jordan and say this. It’ll make her really mad. And if she scratches your eyes out we’ll pay the medical bills.” That’s the kind of thing that DOESN’T happen on that show. The pressure cooker situation creates all the fights the producers need.
        What producers MIGHT say is, “It’s Britney’s birthday tomorrow. Why don’t you guys throw her a surprise party? Oh, and please do it during the hours of “Big Brother After Dark” on Showtime.”
        When I said they “try to influence outcomes,” this is what I mean: say a Houseguest is up for eviction, and this Houseguest happens to be ratings gold for the show that season. If it looks like they’ll be voted out, the HGs are called into the Diary Room one by one, where they’ll talk to a faceless voice that might keep them in there for hours, trying to make them see both the pros and cons of voting that person out, without directly saying who to vote for but subtly trying to get them to vote the way the producers want. Even then, the houseguests are totally free to vote anyway they want.
        THAT’S IT! No scripting, no falsely created situations. Nobody tells anybody what to say or do. Houseguests are totally free to do as they please unless they break a game rule, which Big Brother REALLY doesn’t like. And of course you’d expect that ’cause Big Brother – the house – is another character in the show.
        So I hope you understand that the producers have no absolute power over the houseguests, only the chance to try to influence their decisions. This makes this show – watchable 24 hours a day – the reality show with the highest degree of integrity of all time.
        So considering the pedigree of the showrunners, I wouldn’t be QUITE so quick to keep throwing around the very negative “scripted” allegations about BRT, even when things seem silly. Sometimes, in real life, people act crazily and sillily(?)
        I’m not arguing there’s NO situations set up by the producers on BRT. But I’m very sure that many of the most exciting, moving and gripping scenes on that show were completely real. You gonna try to take away Kalyn asking Leslie to treat her as her own child from us? NOBODY will ever read you again.
        So be careful what you call fiction.
        Best wishes,
        Glenn

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