One-Sentence Summary: The Season 14 of Dancing With The Stars cast is announced amid no fanfare or controversy… Boo.
Rachel: Dancing With The Stars is back for a 14th Season of used-to-be-stars vying for that coveted Mirror Ball Trophy. The new contestants were announced on Good Morning America this year instead of during The Bachelor, which is why it took me a minute to find out about it. If it doesn’t happen in the middle of one of my reality shows, it’s not on my radar. Sad but true. I have to say that it pains me greatly to admit that I was even a little bit excited to find out who would be dancing this year. And by little bit, I mean a teeny tiny little bit. Like almost so small as to not need to be acknowledged. Yeah, let’s think of it as a professional curiosity. Yes, that’s it. I’m excited for you, the viewers and readers of the blog. You, not me. That must be what it is. Whew, glad that’s cleared up. Now let’s see who’s dancing…
Even though the Packers beat the Steelers in the Super Bowl last year, I’m still a Packers fan. But while I like Donald Driver, there’s no way I can root for him to win. He can’t beat the Steelers and steal Hines Ward’s thunder. Not on my watch at least. So, he can stick around for a few dances but then he has to go.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Well, I was about to go off on a tangent about how this guy is responsible for “I’m Yours”, the most overplayed song in the history of songs, but then thought I should look it up to make sure. Turns out that song is by Jason Mraz. Also turns out that this guy isn’t Jason Mraz. Further research tells me Gavin’s claim to fame is the theme song to One Tree Hill, “I Don’t Want To Be”. Don’t think that’s much better to be honest. He’s got a good partner in Karina so if he’s got any rhythm at all, he should make it pretty far.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff
It’s a Pip-less Gladys Knight! I like her. I feel like I missed my calling to be a Pip. Well, minus the fact that I can’t sing… And that I’m not a dude… And that I was still in high school when she & the Pips broke up. But I can do the moves which is really half the battle. Hopefully, she can rock some moves too as I’d like to see her stick around a while, just as long as she doesn’t sing “That’s What Friends Are For”. Be a friend to me, Gladys, and keep that one in the past. Plus, I think that Tristan is adorable so the longer she stays, he stays. Oh yeah, getting a little cougar wink-wink on the young Irish lad, I am.
Partner: Tristan MacManus
Soap’s steamiest? Hmm… Maybe he’d be high on the list if it were 1984 and we were watching General Hospital. While I don’t know much about him as a person other than having been at the same party a few years back where he was bitten by a dog, something about him rubs me the wrong way. And apparently rubs dogs the wrong way as well. Maybe he tried to sing “All I Need” to the poor thing. I’ll give him a chance but I’m feeling like I won’t be rooting for him too much.
Partner: Anna Trebunskaya
Dude, it’s Urkel! Ha! I love it, but how much does he have to hate it. Seriously, talk about a bug you can’t shake. I looked up his profile on Wikipedia and found out that he’s also the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog. I kind of love that too. And I kinda love him. So far, he’s got my vote. And how lucky is he? He is paired with the hot Aussie who likes to dance half-naked. Things are looking up for Urkel, er I mean, Jaleel.
Partner: Kym Johnson
I got nothing here. I mean I know I saw her perform on DWTS last year or the year before, but something tells me I probably hit the FF button as I’m apt to do. She seems lovely and Mark gets his third perky blonde in a row. Hopefully, she can keep up with him because he, in my opinion, is the best male choreographer on the show. I know everyone thinks it’s Derek – and Derek is good – but I think Mark is the more creative of the two. Just sayin…
Partner: Mark Ballas
And speaking of Derek, looks like he landed himself another pretty, thin partner. How mad is Maks right now? Fuming, no doubt. I can only imagine who’s gracing his dance floor this season. I really have no feelings about Maria Menounos to be honest. She could be swapped out for Brooke Burke, Ali Landry or Vanessa Minnillo and I’d probably not notice. They’re all the same girl to me.
Partner: Derek Hough
Hmm… I like Martina but I’m thinking she’s this season’s ticket to the gay audience without the controversy of Chaz Bono. She’s openly been a lesbian so long that she’s sort of grandfathered into universal acceptance. Right? I mean people can’t get up in arms about Martina, can they? I think she’s pretty cool. Hopefully, she sticks around for a while.
Partner: Tony Dovolani
Ha ha ha ha… Laura Ingalls and Maksim Chmerkovskiy together on the dance floor. That’s awesome. I have a feeling there’s a lot more fire in that redhead than there is little sweet Laura. Methinks she’s going to have a short patience rope for Maks’ machismo and I cannot wait to watch that go down. Bring. It. On. Well, bring it on for like two weeks and then I’ll probably be ready for him to be out of my hair.
Partner: Maksim Chmerkovskiy
I got nothing on this kid. And I barely remember Chelsie. But my friend’s 14-year-old daughter is rooting for him so he has at least one fan out there. Makes me feel less bad about not voting for him… Well, pretending that I’m voting and then pretending to not vote for him.
Partner: Chelsie Hightower
Aw, I love me some bubbly Sherrie Shepherd. And I cannot wait to see her partner with the shirtless wonder that is Val. This should give us some seriously classic moments in the rehearsal studio. I’m not sure how it’s going to translate on the dance floor between his chest-baring-shirts and her chesticles in general, but I look forward to watching it all unfold.
Partner: Val Chmerkovskiy
Uh, hello lover! I think Urkel may have to move down a slot for the Latin Hottie, as they’re calling him. I don’t know much about him other than he’s Cuban, a model and was in a J-Lo video. Pretty sure I don’t need to know much else, really. I hope Cheryl is keeping that rehearsal studio “I’m-sweating-so-much-I-can’t-keep-my-shirt-on” hot.
Partner: Cheryl Burke
My heart is rooting for Urkel, but my loins are rooting for Levy.