One Sentence Summary: Phaedra gets up-close and personal with the dead and the anniversary party goes pretty much the way most Housewives parties do… with an argument.
Melissa: I know my friend is thrilled we have Phaedra getting her embalming lessons, because you know she’ll have some wonderful one liners. I can’t wait to see the anniversary part at dinner time with no food… yep, best way to get to a meltdown… serve only drinks to people… And hey, there’s rumor of a fight!! Well pour me another glass of Duckhorn Vineyards Decoy Pinot Noir and let’s get this party started!!
Rachel: OK, I’m back. I admit that I fully flaked on the Housewives last week. It’s not that I don’t love my Atlanta girls. I do. I’m a one-woman Phaedra fan club over here. But sometimes life just gets in the way and last Sunday was one of those days. So, I’m sorry I forsake my duties, but when someone flies across the Atlantic Ocean to spend time with you, you must oblige. Besides, I’m pretty sure February was plotting against me so it was nice to start March off with a big fat glass of Pinot Noir and a good friend. The celebration of March continues tonight with an Eden Canyon ‘Estate’ 2006 Cabernet. Bring on my Phaedra. I’m ready to learn about embalming.
Melissa’s What Happened: Kim is trying to clean up her house since Kroy left and it’s in shambles. And here I thought they’d break me in slowly and not hear the “Sweetie” bellow from Kim. At least she’s trying to pretend something was done in the month he was gone so she can show how busy she is in hopes of getting more staff. Cleaning turns into ring around the house trying to prove Sweetie doesn’t do any work and Kim does everything… Well, if that’s complaining about people and pretending she is working hard, absolutely she’s doing everything.
Rachel: Aw Lawd, it’s Kim’s creepy father. How long before he makes a crass comment? He just looks like a perv. I know I shouldn’t be talking smack on someone’s dad, but am I wrong? But the real drama here is that Sweetie and Kim are still fighting. I guess she’s officially decided to quit working… though I’m not really sure when she started working. If I remember correctly, Sweetie’s job consisted of fetching Kim’s smokes and listening her to bitch about NeNe. Can you blame her for being pissed that she actually has to do work now?
Phaedra’s Embalming Class
Melissa’s What Happened: Phaedra has to embalm 10 bodies for her certification, and I might need to add here that even with the dummies I’m completely skeeved by the idea and seriously am considering going the char route when it’s my turn to go. The highlight of this session is learning that the skin is still pliable and can be molded into smiles. I really think a lot of the families aren’t requesting the “hey, give them a really big smile, like they’re really happy” look for their loved ones. Really, my wine is NOT going to stay down if we keep up with this.
Rachel: Oh how I missed Phaedra and her holy water! You have to embalm 10 bodies before you can be a certified mortician… Does that seem like enough? Well, I guess the good news is that you can’t really screw up too badly. Yet she’s starting with a dummy. I’m so confused. But we learn that the skin of the deceased is pliable so you can make them smile. Uh, a smiling dead body just seems wrong. Way way wrong. Phaedra’s teacher tells her: Embalm the artery and drain the vein. I’ve heard drain the vein before but it had a very different meaning. Just saying. If there’s a choke the chicken lesson coming, I may have to look into being a mortician myself.
Melissa’s What Happened: Peter is still planning his black-tie anniversary event, and wants to Cynthia to relax and let him run things though they are running 20% over budget and needs to borrow a grand or so… I’m thinking heavy on the “or so”. Peter’s friend is offering up a Bentley to take them to the party but since he and Mal still aren’t on speaking terms he doesn’t want her in the car with them going to the party. Personally, I really don’t understand why she can’t take her own car, it’s not her party.
Rachel: So Peter is planning an anniversary party and is over budget. Shock of shocks. So he’s throwing her a party for which he has to borrow money. Maybe it’s me, but last I checked, if someone is throwing you a party, you shouldn’t be bankrolling it. She wants it simple and a tasteful celebration of their love. But it’s not about their love, it’s about him impressing people. Good Lord woman, get a grip on your man. And I don’t mean in the bedroom. I mean at the bank.
Kim’s Prepping… And Plotting
Melissa’s What Happened: OK, here’s what I really don’t understand… Kim needs someone to help her curl the back of her wig? Can’t she just put it on a head and do it herself? Maybe they just need someone there so Kim can complain about her assistant not doing her job (again, what pray tell does Sweetie “assist?). Kim’s kids haven’t been registered for school yet because Sweetie hasn’t gone to pick up the paperwork? Clearly this will be the scene of all my confusion because I have to ask (yes, I tend to think logically), um, why can’t Kim pick it up? I mean, I know she’s insanely busy what with reading emails but really, can’t you drive the whole 15 minutes to the school for the paperwork, or heaven forbid call and ask them to fax it to you? Why does everyone seem to think this is normal behavior? I’m talking about Kim and having everyone else do everything for her.
Rachel: OK can we talk about the picture of Kim & Kroy in the background? Yeah, the one of a shirtless Kroy hovering sensually over Kim. Who posts a coitus picture of themselves in their living room? That’s a whole lot of ego going on right there. Kim says you can’t buy loyalty. Um, I think you can actually. You just have to pay more. Wait, Sweetie is swearing at her kids? And there’s a question of whether or not you need to fire her ass? Pretty sure there’s not a lot of room for negotiation there. It’s a job not a friendship.
Cynthia and Mal
Melissa’s What Happened: Mal is back and wants to know why Cynthia and Peter are planning an anniversary party. Mal thinks Cynthia gives Peter too many passes along the road and calls him and *sshole. Cynthia really needs to grow a backbone where Mal is concerned or she’s never going to be happy.
Rachel: Mal pretends she’s come to visit Cynthia to make bracelets, but it’s really to give her more crap about her marriage. OK Mal, enough already. Look, none of us like Peter but she married him. She’s staying with him. Let. It. Go. You’re just sounding like a crazy person now.
Melissa’s What Happened: Over mimosas NeNe and Greg try to talk some sense into her son and understand why he stole the razors. His answer to why is a smile because he really has no reason other than he makes dumb decisions which he thinks he needs to stop doing (ya think??). Speaking of, he has made the decision that he wants to own a restaurant, but doesn’t know the name of it or how to get there. Excellent plan my boy!
Rachel: Bryson is home from jail from his adventures in stealing razors. Seriously. He stole $14 worth of razors. WTF is wrong with that kid? Greg & NeNe don’t know what it will take to set him straight. Living on the streets will set him straight. He doesn’t even know why he did it? Uh, I’m thinking it’s because you’re an idiot. Seriously hope NeNe & Greg mean it when they say he has to get a job and get his ass out of the house.
Time to Celebrate
Melissa’s What Happened: The car and driver are missing and it’s thrown Peter over the edge, but thanks to Kithe, Cynthia has been maintaining control. Oh, here’s a novel idea… Drive yourselves and screw the car and driver. Um… what’s up with Cynthia’s hair… Again??
Rachel: Again, I’m noticing random things in the background. Anyone notice the same guy is blowing leaves outside their house every time they show it? Have they seriously been sitting there waiting on a limo for two hours? Here’s an idea… DRIVE YOURSELVES. I swear these people are as sharp as erasers.
Random Party Musings…
Melissa: At the party Marlo brings her new “friend” (read: checkbook) to meet the ladies. Did NeNe just say “her man is white”? She’s dating her partner?
Rachel: Anyone else thinking Marlo is a secretly a high-end hooker? Well, I’m not. No not me. That woman’s been arrested 7 times. I’m not going to call her a prostitute. But if you want to…. I’m just saying, Cynthia is the lady of the hour and Marlo is the lady by the hour.
Melissa: OK, why is Cynthia gong to walk into her anniversary party with her mother and sister instead of her husband? Honey, methinks that might be part of the problems with your marriage.
Rachel: Mal & her mom really can’t get their heads out of their asses. Stop harassing Cynthia. She’s a grown ass woman. If she wants to spend her life with that fool, she is entitled.
Rachel: Shereé is on a mission to out everyone for what they said in Africa. So she throws Marlo under the bus for using the “f” word (the one that rhymes with maggot). Not that Marlo doesn’t deserve to be thrown under the bus and have the bus reverse over her ass just for good measure. Marlo is about to get a size 12 Lawrence stiletto in her head. And her date is about to understand what it really is to date a criminal. Marlo says she didn’t say it. Do these women forget there are cameras rolling on them? And off she goes with her fifth grade craft project of a dress.
Melissa: After Lawrence calls Marlo on her Fs comment she tries to deny she said it – oh Marlo, you are so unwise when it comes to Housewives… They roll tape on your ass!! Thankfully it doesn’t seem to be resolved with Lawrence which means more drama down the line.
Melissa: Did Peter just whistle to announce Cynthia’s arrival? Again I’m going to ask why they didn’t come in together? WOW, that was a full fledged meltdown by Mal over Cynthia’s decision to be with Peter! Maybe they should have fed their guests so they wouldn’t be so intoxicated and let emotions run wild.
Rachel: Oh Malorie, I’m at the end of my patience rope with you. Let her be miserable if that’s what she wants to be. LET IT GO! Or just go right on out that door.
Melissa: I could have called that party was going to be a disaster, but that was sort of tame compared to other parties.
Rachel: I like that we’re phasing Kim out of the show. She’s never been my favorite in the first place. Besides less Kim, more opportunity for Phaedra.