One Sentence Summary – It’s the slap heard round the Country Club after the girls get caught sneaking out to a college party.
Rachel: Can someone explain to me why, when they’re doing their “on-the-couch” interviews, everyone is coated in so much make-up that it’s shocking they can keep their heads up? I mean it’s like they’re 4-years-old and they got into their mommies make-up bins. And I mean bins. There’s nothing attractive about wearing that much paint on your face. It’s like white trash Cirque du Soleil up there. I’m also wondering if I wasn’t paying close enough attention last year but this season seems so forced that it’s actually getting hard to watch. I know this show was never exactly “natural” but I feel like I’m watching an amateur theater production out of Podunk, Texas. Not that it’s going to stop my watching… Let’s be honest.
Melissa: Yes, I took a vacation last week – apologies!! It’s not that I don’t love you all, I just needed some WARM down time. I have to layer up just to get out of bed for some coffee up here in NJ! I don’t have the luxury of popping over to the beach to spend an afternoon when I have some free time (like my very lucky partner), so I have to take advantage when I can. Anywho, I got a juicy snippet of Whitney sobbing so I can’t wait to see what my Texas Housewives have in store for us tonight!
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie & Connie are at their sons’ football practice… Wait, these women have sons? Who the hell knew? Apparently, it’s time for Homecoming and the women have to make their sons Mums… At least, I think that’s what they’re saying. It sounds like mums but I have never heard of this practice so I’m not 100% positive. Bonnie says it’s a corsage on steroids. Kind of like their faces are make-up on steroids. Connie has no time for a mum, but Bonnie’s not taking no for an answer. She needs a Leslie replacement to it’s Mum making with Connie. Initially wary of this new friendship, Connie thinks Bonnie’s really funny so she decides to like her. And just like that, new BFF’s. Pam’s gonna be mad. Bon-Con present their sons with their mums and Bonnie’s looks more like a stripper’s Chanukah bustier than a corsage.
Melissa: I’m so confused by this. Apparently in Texas moms have to make corsages for homecoming? Well that just seems odd no? OK, I’ll give it a chance and see what it’s all about. Maybe it can be something horrible I’ll force on my son when he’s in high school to insure no girls talk to him. Nope, I’m still not following this mum “stuff”. It’s like streamers and gaudy bows. How is that appropriate for homecoming? Not that I’ve ever been to a homecoming. I don’t even think my high school had one.
How To Be A Pageant Queen
Rachel’s What’s Happening: Leslie is taking her pageant training seriously and is holding a mock pageant. I wonder how much money these girls shelled out to be told to smile until it hurts and walk with a bounce in your step. I really think Leslie is living on her own planet. But she has Kalyn continuing her indentured servitude by helping teach these girls the intricate details of runway walking. Tyler is also there in a pink t-shirt. How much is this show paying him?
Movin’ On Up
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam & Hannah are Skyping again. I guess this is how they are giving Pam a storyline this year. She tells Hannah (and by Hannah, I mean the viewers) she is walking in a charity fashion show for some “big” Dallas fashion society called Fashion Group International. Pam is less interested in the charity and more interested in becoming a board member. This way she can elevate her social stratus. Exactly which city’s ladder is she climbing? Is it really even Dallas?
Melissa: Um, Pam, that dress cut is NOT flattering on you at all my dear. Really, even with “the right fabric” it’s not your best choice.
Rachel’s What Happened: Shaye tells Maddie & Grace that her sister is having a party with… wait for it… college boys at her parents’ lake house! Of course, they have no way to get there other than Maddie’s car she’s not allowed to drive. Hmmm…. Can’t imagine what’s going to happen. In case you couldn’t get from point A to point B without my help, Grace talks Maddie into driving them out to the lake house party. I mean you can’t miss an opportunity to hang with college boys. The high school girls arrive and the college girls are not happy. No one wants jail bait hitting on their men. Amber especially is not thrilled – there is no part of her that invited her little sister. So, being a good sister, she calls mom & rats her out to Cha Cha. Who would have ever seen that coming? This show is a bonanza of twists and turns!
Melissa: Your little sister showing up at your party… Hello, buzz kill, nice to meet you. The pleasure is all yours
The Slap Heard ‘Round Woodbridge
Rachel’s What Happened: The girls roll in from the lake party to be greeted by some aaaangry moms. Melissa & Connie tell their girls that they won’t be driving for a very long time. Shaye makes a smart remark back to her mom that she’ll regret for a long time to come. Her teenage sass unleashes the Cha Cha beast. Making sure her daughter understands who’s in charge, she unleashes a tirade of screaming insults and seals it off with a slap right across the face. Uh, what on earth just happened? I’m thinking Cha Cha just went off script and showed the world who she really is. Being that she apologizes later with the excuse of “you made me so mad it’s really your fault”, I’m thinking this isn’t the first time she’s hauled off and hit her girls. Can we be done with her now? She’s was unbearable before tonight and now she’s undeserving of being on a TV show. There’s behaving like an idiot, which we’re used to on reality TV, and then there is this. And “this” is not at all cool.
Melissa: Oh snap, mamas met the girls at the house. Wait a minute Deaynni, you don’t slap your daughter in the face – I don’t care how upset you are! Holy Crap!
Rachel’s What Happened: Over at Bonnie’s, Whitney is making a vision board of all the plastic surgery she wants to have, starting with getting porn star boobs. Bonnie says no until Whitney offers to take care of her after her plastic surgery in return for boobs and Bonnie taking care of her. Well, why didn’t you just offer that up in the first place? Bonnie can come up with no rational reason why that isn’t a great idea and a deal is struck. Bonnie will take one step closer to being 100% plastic and Whitney will take one step closer to becoming a flotation device.
While hearing about porn boobs is exciting, that’s not all that we’re here for. Tyler’s incessant quest to get more airtime by stalking Whitney at the club and at work has now moved to her home. After telling her at the club he was sorry for saying mean things and would never have dated her if he didn’t like her, he shows up at her house to bring her soup to help soothe the pain of having her wisdom teeth removed. (A story the receptionist at Whitney’s office concocted to get Tyler to stop calling.) The irony here is that the teeth in Whitney’s head have more wisdom than the two of them combined. Honestly, I have no idea what she sees in him. He’s about as smart as a bag of hair… And about as interesting. I actually play him talking on a loop at night to help me fall asleep. He tells Whitney her boobs are nice the way they are and invites her to come to the pageant. Soup + a boob compliment = Whitney sucked right back in.
Melissa: OK, I really don’t get Whitney’s obsession with getting boobs. Really, and whose parents foot the bill for boobs? I know mine wouldn’t – from experience. I’ve been asking since I was 18. OK, and anyone else see Tyler being a bit stalkerific? Wonder if Leslie has him up to all this. Wow, he’s wonderfully douchetastic now isn’t he?
Oh Yeah, Pam…
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam tries to impress Heidi Dillon, who is apparently the FGI queen bee, at the charity fashion event. She seems like quite the pill and insults Pam with one of those subtle but bitchy comments snooty women love to make. But Pam will let it slide this one time, because she wants on the board that badly. Apparently that worked as Pam is invited to a luncheon with the Fashionistas board members so they can check her out. Um, these are the most fashionable women in town? Wow, I guess maybe they just do fashion differently in Dallas. But Pam wants in and she’s like a dog with a bone – She’s not letting go until she gets her way. She passes Round 2 and is one step away from hanging out on “the fun side of town.” Woo…
Melissa: Is it me or do they all look the same? Well, at least their lips and noses do, and maybe those cheeks.
Cage Fighting Pageantry
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s time for Leslie’s mock pageant and she has conned Connie & Melissa into being judges. I guess now that Pam is on the fun side of town, her minions are free to associate with Leslie again. Leslie asks Melissa about her pageant past but she refuses to discuss it. What possibly could have happened that would make you go all covert agent about your pageant past? But Melissa isn’t budging. Besides, it’s time to start the pageant with a whopping six girls.
Whitney shows up because maybe Tyler is legit. Or maybe because that’s what the script says to do. Leslie wants to know why Whitney’s there and Tyler says he doesn’t know. I honestly think he doesn’t know. I really think he’s so stupid that his brain can only retain information for a few minutes before it has to make room for something else. He proceeds to flirt with other girls which sends Whitney storming backstage. He plays like it like he hasn’t been stalking her… Again, walnut brain. Needless to say, it goes exactly like you’d expect… Tyler calls Whitney names, Whitney starts swearing, Kalyn jumps in to save the pageant and it all devolves into fist fights and drink throwing. Leslie breaks it up in time to crown a pageant “winner” who wins exactly nothing but a wasted afternoon. Thankfully, Leslie catches Mr. Scoma in time to rat Whitney out for her bad behavior…. Dun dun dun… What will happen next?
Melissa: Someone please explain to me Leslie’s pageant showcase. Again, there’s strange stuff going on down there in Texas. It has a creepy vibe if you ask me. Kind of like “swimsuit” models at a bar. Why can’t Melissa talk about her pageant experience? I’ll have to see if my partner in crime can dig up dirt on this. Damn, when and how did Whitney get that drunk?
Rachel: PS – I have tried to find something online about Melissa’s pageant past but can’t seem to find anything. Don’t think I’m giving up though!
Rachel: Is it just me or was the acting especially bad tonight? I know we’re talking scripted reality and not Emmy drama, but c’mon.
Melissa: Wow, that was a crazy ride! I don’t remember it being so whiplash the first time I watched. But now I feel dirty after that “pageant”.