One Sentence Summary: The roseless women are back to talk all things Ben and make one last attempt to take Courtney down.
Rachel: Let’s be honest, “women tell all” is more like “women tell us everything we already know”. I mean we know Kacie B was hurt and wanted answers. She’ll tell us that again. Nicki will remind us about her past and why it was hard for her to open up. Emily will regret talking about Courtney and there will be one or two girls (usually the ones that got booted early) that will talk over everyone else. You know, because their egos need to trash the girls that stuck around longer. However, Courtney has shown up and I am so ready to watch her get her comeuppance. That’s right, comeuppance. I like that word and am glad that we have this show so I can use it. Part of me wonders if she has any idea what she’s about to face and part of me thinks she knows it and it’s just one more way for her to get some camera time. I’m leaning towards the latter. What say you?
Melissa: Yes, I’m back… I know you missed me… maybe?? At least be happy I didn’t watch Fantasy Suite Week and have every other comment be David Lee Roth’s Yankee Rose: “But Consuelo, I paid two dollars extra for the fantasy suite… “ Sorry, I digress. We’re here to support Ben and his pursuit of happiness. Personally, my happiness is in this here glass of Crush by Dreaming Tree (watch the featured wines for the writeup of my new favorite) to help me though Her Royal Vaginess Courtney’s appearance tonight. Yes, I made up a word – so what, it’s half my blog. Anywho… it’s the ladies turn to dish on Ben.
Because The First Two Weren’t Horrendous Enough…
Melissa: Oh, it’s the intro to Bachelor Pad 3. Why do we have to spend time in every tell all episode recapping and setting the stage for Bachelor Pad and / or the next Bachelor(ette). Damn you producers, you have me hooked for BP3… DAMN YOU!!
Rachel: Bachelor Pad 3… Just what the world needs. And Casey is back & clearly single. Great, now we get to listen to him lay his “guard & protect you heart” shtick on unsuspecting women. OK, all those women should be suspecting, but this isn’t a Mensa meeting we’re watching. Ed from Jillian’s season is attending this year’s party. Hmmm, I like Ed. I could watch him. Who else… Oh, Happy Jack, aka Ryan, is back! Love it. I think I was the only one out in the viewing audience who liked him, though he does wear desperation like a stinky cologne. In a house of single women, that could get irritating fast. What is Ali doing there? I know she & Roberto broke up, but really? I guess they gotta keep that paycheck coming somehow. And they brought back that weasel that bailed on her… Yes, they just said his name and yes, I already forgot it and no, I’m not rewinding to find out. Damn, looks like they’ve sucked me in too. I shake my fist at them.
Back To The Women
What Happened: First girl on the hot seat tonight is Blakeley. She admits she wasn’t in it to make friends. Goal reached. She was in it for Ben. This goal not so much. Clearly never having seen a single Bachelor show before, she is unaware that saying that is an open invitation to be mocked & ridiculed. Most girls are holding their fire for Courtney, so Samantha takes the opportunity to launch into a tirade about Blakeley’s un-sorority-like behavior. Jamie says everyone was a bitch to someone at some point so let it go. Well, but then we wouldn’t have a show, Jamie. Blakeley, claiming to be more mature, brushes them all off.
Rachel: Blakeley definitely started out as the mean girl, but was quickly upstaged by Courtney and we pretty much forgot she was the enemy. I don’t even know what Samantha is ranting about because all I hear is a high-pitched, extremely irritating noise. This, ladies, is why I couldn’t do the sorority thing. No offense to all the Gamma Wannas out there. Blakeley just says she was doing her. OK, that’s fair but I’m going to have to take point with the maturity thing. Last I checked, making magazine cut-out fairy tales didn’t fall under “mature”.
The Chihuahua vs. The Pit Bull
What Happened: Chris wants to talk to Brittany about choosing to leave the show. Brittany is trying to explain that she wasn’t attracted to Ben, but the chihuahua that is Samantha won’t stop yapping over her. She thinks Brittany is lying about why she left. Brittany, aka the pit bull in this here situation, takes down Samantha in one bite and quiets the mania for a moment. Game, set, match: Brittany.
Melissa: Wait, did Chris actually just refer to Ben as sexy? Say what now?? Has he been drinking? I can see this is turning into another she said / she said that only dogs can hear. Hello Brittany! Way to go saying she didn’t have feelings for Ben so she left – nice. BTW, Samantha, stop talking. You’re annoying me!
Rachel: I love Brittany. Mostly, I love Brittany because she left due to not being attracted to Ben. I just find it hard to believe that all these women were hot for Ben. I mean… It’s… Ben. But I also love her for putting Samantha in her place. Let’s be honest, Samantha, you’re just mad because she left on her terms and you got sent home halfway through a group date. Can we talk about that please?
Call Me A Bitch, But Don’t Talk About My Thighs
What Happened: Shawntel is back to confront the women for calling her a bitch, ugly and white trash. And she’s particularly not happy with Erica calling out the size of her thighs. Elyse, Erica & Rachel kind of apologize for being awful to her. You know, they do that we’re sorry but it’s really your fault apology. Emily says it’s not that she showed up, it’s the way she showed up that set the girls off. Shawntel isn’t really interested in any of it and believes the only reason Ben didn’t give her a rose was because he was afraid all the other girls would have been mad at him. We think it was more like he was afraid of a hometown visit to the family mortuary. He can barely handle the South. Imagine him in the same room as an embalming table. But, whatever gets you through the day, Shawntel.
Rachel: I still feel badly for her. You have to be a bit of a nutter to roll right into the middle of a situation like that, but no one needed to get all psycho bitch on her the way they did. And I find it amusing that Emily thinks it’s about her mode of entrance… Yeah, sure. If she had come in all “Hey, girls!”, they still would have gone off the deep end. Besides, does anyone really think it was up to Shawntel how this was going to go down? There’s a reason they employ writers on this show. Yeah, they’re not around just to hand Ben his deep thoughts every week.
Melissa: Yeah, it does kinda suck that you did that to yourself for that end result. And now the ladies start their back pedal to make themselves not seem so “Courtney”. Yep, and I just declared that to be a new adjective… Hey, no need to get all “Courtney” on me!! Yeah ladies… Bitch all you want about Courtney but know you did the same thing to someone else, and by someone else I mean the woman who will happily drain your bodily fluids while laughing maniacally. Well, maybe just a little chuckle.
Smartest Thing She Said All Season
What Happened: And now the Emily train wreck is back. She admits that she shot herself in the foot by spending her time with Ben talking about Courtney. We know this. Anyone that even accidentally flipped past this show knows this. What else you got? She says she wouldn’t want to end up with someone who’d fall for Courtney. OK, that’s better. And she takes point with the skinny dipping since Ben clouded his mind with sex. So true. She says if he picked Courtney, he made his bed and he can lie in it. Amen! And finally, she wouldn’t want to be with a man who would say “tread lightly” to her when she voiced a concern. Alright Emily! You came through with some feisty tidbits for us. You can stay…
Melissa: Ah, dear Emily the smart girl who spoke her mind and it bit her on the ass. She IS a smart one, and I really did like her… Sad that the smart, strong woman always gets sent packing. OK producers… THIS is a girl who would make a good Bachelorette!!
Rachel: My partner is correct. The smart girls always do get sent packing. The mens, they are a lazy breed. They think smart women are too much work. And any man that goes on a reality show to make-out with 25 women as a way to find “love” (and a vehicle to advertise his wine) isn’t really trying to make work for himself; especially when you have Nympho Nancy waiting outside your hotel room door ready to bust the nakedness out. Boobs beat brains, every time. Sad but true.
Here We Go Again
What Happened: OK, this is starting to get tedious. Time to check-in with Nicki. Blah blah blah… really loved Ben. Blah blah blah… will need some time to heal. Blah blah blah… something or other.
Rachel: Zzzzzz…. Huh, what? Sorry nodded off a minute there. Did I miss anything? No? OK, wake me up when Courtney’s on.
Melissa: Seriously, why must we rehash every moment? She said there was a natural chemistry between her and Ben… and that’s a bad thing. Does anyone else see the common thread here? He has cool ladies for the choosing, but goes for crazy Courtney.
Once… Twice… Three Times a Kacie B Rehash
What Happened: Kacie B. is back to talk about getting sent home after she came back last week to talk to Ben about getting sent home. Chris asks her about going back to Switzerland and did she expect Ben to take her back. Of course, she says “no”, which no one is buying. She tells us that she felt like she didn’t know what happened and just wanted answers. She was shell-shocked. She realizes that her family played a big part in them not working out. Ya think? It feels good to be in love but she’s ready for the right person. Yawn…
Melissa: Really, how do the ladies “fall in love” in the span of 6 weeks when they are sharing his time with how many other women? Then why do they all want to know what happened? Um, he decided he likes someone else more than you. It’s simple. There’s also the whole “you’ve known him less than 2 months” thing. And why does Chris always ask if they’re ready for love in the future? I’d just once have someone say… Well, no. I’m done, checking out. No love for me I don’t think.
Rachel: Officially, my eyes have rolled into the back of my head. This is mind numbing. I think I just heard someone in the audience snoring. Oh wait, that was me.
What Happened: And the moment we’ve all been waiting for… It’s Courtney. Erica starts the intelligent commentary by saying that Courtney is worse than Blakeley because Blakeley is real. So being a real bitch is better than being a fake bitch? Erica should stop talking. Nicki says that Courtney is guilty of irking people the wrong way. We had no idea you could irk someone the right way. Casey S. comes to Courtney’s defense saying she wasn’t trying to be anyone’s friend. She was just trying to be funny. Um, no she wasn’t. No. Not funny. Jamie, the lap dancing fool, thinks they felt a connection. Well, guess if it wasn’t with Ben then… Courtney says she gets that the women are understandably pissed. She thinks they are fair in their feelings. But, she thinks the girls started with her so she was on the defensive. She apologizes for her behavior and says if she could see the effect it had on her family, friends and on how she’d be portrayed in the tabloids, she would have behaved differently. Note that there is no concern about how her behavior affected the women. Also note that I managed to use effect & affect in their proper forms. It’s the small things people… Anyway, in Switzerland she regrouped and was humiliated by her behavior. There are a few fake tears and she’s out.
Rachel: It’s all regret and hindsight for Courtney. Nice people just don’t behave that way in the first place. People who are inherently good don’t behave the way she behaved. One or two nasty jabs in frustration, I get it. But 6 weeks of non-stop remarks makes you a bad person. She’s a bad person. BUT let’s all discuss the fact that she said, “I CARED about Ben.” Past tense… Is there a possibility that Ben grew a set and picks Lindzi? Could it be? I hope so… Not so much in the name of love, but because I had Lindzi as the winner in my Bachelor Brackets.
Melissa: Yeah, I really can’t wait for her to pretend she’s a nice person. Let’s see those acting skills, sweetie. Does anyone really buy this story? Really, this is just silliness. Wait, did she just say she’s not a mean spirited person? No, I clearly heard that wrong. You are mean spirited. You are… Leopards don’t change their spots. Really though, I wish you were a better actress and could leak out a tear. Bite your tongue or something… give me a tiny one.
This Guy Again
What Happened: Ben is back and the ladies want answers. Jen wants to know why he picked Blakeley over her. Then she throws in a “no offense” to Blakeley. Too late, Jen. He says he just wasn’t as far down the road with her as with other girls. Then Emily asks the same question. Uh, we thought you were all two-snaps-in-a-circle over Ben? He tells her the same thing she just told us; she focused too much on outside issues. He offers Casey S. an apology for not giving her more of a chance to explain herself. He was confused and could have been more of a gentleman. His words. His ego got in the way. Our words. Nicki tells him he’s the best man she’s ever met. We tell Nicki she needs to get out more. And Jamie tells him she’s ready for Round 2, should this situation not work out. Nice. Then we get to watch bloopers from the season. What a special treat.
Melissa: Dance boy… DANCE!! OK, for real… Bachelor Producers… How about a whole show of Bachelor Bloopers? I would totally watch that. Seriously, none of the date crap – just all the goofs and flubs from them.
Rachel: Um, Jamie, did you watch your Round 1 with him? Pretty sure that guaranteed you never getting a shot at a Round 2. Perhaps you should cut the whole lap dance routine from your repertoire. And I have to say that Ben is a much more likeable person when you see him in the bloopers. Why don’t we get to see more of that? Do you think we really need to hear the BS love talk all the time? Here’s a hint… We do not.
Melissa: Next week, we pick a winner. Here’s the deal, I don’t necessarily think Lindzi should win, because there’s a better guy out there for her. I think Courtney should and then Ben is completely appalled by her behavior on the show and realizes his mistake. Now, that’s a better show.
Rachel: Wait, we had Jenna here for a whole hour and not one question about her 2-week meltdown? And nothing for the ladies that got booted mid-dates? I gotta tell you, that would have been far more interesting than hearing the same drone from Nicki & Kacie B.