The Bachelor Season 16, Week 9 – It’s Just A Fantasy

One Sentence Summary:

t’s Fantasy Suite time and Ben is looking forward to spending the night with each of the remaining ladies in order to take the relationship to “new levels”.

He's already picking up Courtney's facial ticks

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Aw yeah, it’s Fantasy Suite time… Time to take these relationships to the next level.  And by level, we’re speaking of the horizontal kind.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Are we supposed to pretend that there’s nothing but heady conversation and spooning going on behind closed doors?  I love that this show is promoting an overnight hotel stay as a way to show a man you are committed to him even though there are two other women also spending the night with him.  I also love that the women pretend to be surprised when they get the invitation.  Oh my, an overnight date… Whatever will she do?  We already know Courtney is going to accept the key.  They’re all going to.

And do we really have to watch a sneak peek of Emily?  Do we?  I think it’s just going to serve as a barrier to my actually watching the season.   Can’t you just introduce us to the new Dancing With The Stars contestants like you did last season?  Please…

Deep Thoughts

Biker Ben spending some quiet time with his giant ego.

Ooh la la, they set him up at the Regent Beverly Wilshire.  Yes, that would be the Pretty Woman hotel.  And yes, I know that just from the front door and the steps.  And not because I have a past resembling that of one Vivian Ward  – though I wouldn’t be mad if a man wanted to send me on a shopping spree down Rodeo Drive – but because I have attended many a function there so I’m familiar.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Anyway, Ben is nervous he’s going to make a big mistake, which is funny that he uses the future tense being this this has been the long and winding road of mistakes.  Let me just tell you that I would pay a grip of cash to be a fly on Ben’s wall as he has watched this season from home.

As Ben thinks about the girls he says that Nicki is the dark horse… How lucky for her.  Lindzi is a little bit county and a little bit city and she wears them both well.  I would have given him so much credit if he had busted out a little Donny & Marie “She’s a little bit country.  She’s a little bit rock-n-roll”, but he’s not that cool.  He’s falling in love with Lindzi….(And by Lindzi, he means Lindzi’s family.)  She’s a little bit nerdy and that’s why he holds her in such high regard.  Nerdy?  I’m sorry, nerdy?  Does he actually know what that word means?  Here’s an adjective for you Ben:  idiot.

But he won’t really know how he feels until he gets to “majestic, magical” Switzerland… Do men actually use those words?  And, I call shenanigans on the biker look.  Sorry, Fonzi, you’re not pulling it off.

The Hills Are Alive

Ben & Nicki enjoy lunch in the middle of a painting.

OK, I’m just noticing how small Ben’s hands are.  Just noticing.  Not drawing any conclusions… That would be small-minded of me and I feel inadequate to make any judgements.  Just sayin…

The date:  Nicki & Ben are seeing Switzerland by helicopter.  What a novel idea.  A helicopter ride.  The producers are really just phoning it in this season. But the scenery is stunning.  Oh he did not just say they were going to new heights while in a helicopter.  No, I reject that totally.  Apparently the pilot didn’t appreciate it either because he just pulled the helicopter into a vertical drop that put the fear of God in them both.  Nice move!  Tip o’ the hat sir.

Holy mother, it’s like the Truman Show in Switzerland.  That background doesn’t look real.  I keep thinking someone’s going to roll the backdrop aside and we’ll see they’re actually just sitting on a stage in Los Angeles.  Ben tells Nicki that her dad reminded him a lot of his own dad and there we have it; Nicki’s got daddy potential.  Let’s be honest, this picnic would be Kacie B’s had daddy greeted Ben with a bottle of wine instead of disapproving handshake.  Anyway, back to the date.  Nicki is telling Ben how much she loves him and how excited she is to be with him.  How much does it have to suck to be on a date where you have to spend 90% of it telling the guy how fabulous he is and getting nothing in return? Oh, I’m sorry you get Ben’s smoldering stares and gentle kisses.   If there’s a gift better than that, I don’t know it.  {{{ eye roll }}}

Shh baby, don't talk.

For the second part of the date, they are having dinner in a real log cabin.  OK, that’s pretty cool.  Ben, sensing that the conversation may have started to wander, redirects back to himself.  How do you see yourself in my world?  What would you do on the weekends?  Will you be a level 5 clinger?  She just says a lot of words about San Francisco and excitement but I am pretty sure she didn’t actually answer any of the questions.  She wonders how many kids he wants and then wonders if that’s too forward.  She said I love you but worries if asking how many kids he wants is too forward?  Seriously?  Usually these are things people talk about before the love thing comes up.  Don’t they?  Wait, he wants 4 kids??? My uterus just shuddered.  I’d need a constant intravenous of wine to have four kids.

Time for the faux Fantasy Suite surprise.  They should just call it the Booty Knocking Suite.  She accepts the overnight date and off they go. The room is glowing from the light of a roaring fire and dozens of lit candles. See this is why it never works in real life… Because in real, there’s no one to light the candles and set up the pillows and start the fire before you get home.  Nope, in real life, your evening is generally lit by the glow of the microwave and the TV.  Seriously, the stark reality of life after 6 weeks of this has to be jarring.  No wonder it doesn’t work when the cameras stop rolling and there is no one producing your life.  Side bar:  If that hot tub starts changing colors, I’m changing the channel.  The wine and heat of the tub seems to have gone to Nicki’s head because she is now just babbling incessantly.  She has got to stop talking.  Please make her stop talking.  Please.  You know it’s bad when I’m actually praying that they start making out just to silence her jabbering.   They do and the rest of the evening is left to our imaginations… If that’s what you choose to do with your imagination.

More New Heights

Poor Lindzi is kept dangling by Ben metaphorically and literally.

Lindzi & Ben meet in Zermatt, Switzerland for another adrenaline date.  Really?  Yawn.  Phoning it in, I tell ya.  Today’s challenge for the acrophobics among us is  rappelling down a cliff.  Good thing she wore exactly none of the appropriate attire to climb down the side of a mountain.  And yes, Ben, we know that it will bring you closer together when you jump off a mountain.  I wonder what he’ll do when they get home?  I need to make sure you still love me… Quick, run down to the aquarium and jump into the shark tank!

Wait, isn’t rappelling actually using your legs to lower yourself down the side of a mountain?  They’re just being lowered down on a pulley.  You know the dudes running the contraption are laughing at them the whole way down.  Wait, he just said that he loves her.  Not I’m falling in love with her.  That’s a biggun.  And yes, I just drank the Bachelor kool-aid.  Look, I was thirsty.  It was there.  What do you want from me?

At the end of the “rappel”, there is a hot tub waiting.  How handy!  Getting to the human soup portion of events before the fantasy date card.  Saucy!  Wait, did she just smell her armpit?  No seriously, I think she did.  Smooth, honey.  We’re subjected to more talk of how much she feels for him and how she feels really good about letting her guard down with him.  Blah blah blah… Let’s go to dinner, shall we?

Making parents proud one bachelorette at a time.

At dinner Lindzi says you have to suffer good old fashioned heartbreak to know real love.  Hmmm… OK, I’ll give her that one.  After more of the same, Ben presents Lindzi with her Fantasy Suite care.  Of course she accepts the suite, she’s in it to win it.  We all know you go home if you say no.  Ben keeps telling us that accpeting the overnight tells you where you stand.  Doesn’t it tell you where you, um, lie?  It’s a great ploy though because it works every time.  I guess he did it all for the nookie.  Yeah, I went there.  Wow, that really is an amazing room.  I shall dub this the Fantastical Suite.  She says she is happy that she let Ben in so much.  Yeah, we bet you are.  Wink wink.  She’s taking risks.  And he sees himself with her (and her daddy) for the rest of his life.

Under My Spell

Courtney imagines her everyday life with Ben will look something like.

Aw lawd, it’s that time, isn’t it?  It’s time for Courtney’s date and they’re meeting in the town of Interlaken.  Interlaken… LOL… Appropriate name for Fantasy Suite time.  Yeah, we be “interlaken” tonight.  Yeah, I went there too.  Sorry, they’re making it way too easy for me to take the cheap shots tonight.  I’ll stop now.  Well, I’ll try.

Seriously, Courtney makes me want to rip my hair out with that incessant baby talk.  OK, more like rip her hair out.  One strand at a time…   Ben & Courtney see the town on a nice warm train.  How come Courtney hasn’t had to jump off a mountain or out of a helicopter?  Doesn’t she have to prove herself?  What’s up with that?  They say the that the scenery looks like Fairy Tale Land… How appropriate since you’re living in Fairy Tale Land thinking you have chance at finding real love on this show.

Courtney loves just spending the day with him shopping and sightseeing and hanging out.  She thinks this is what their life would be like.  No honey, it would not.  You’re not going to have ABC paying for you two to travel the world and eat cheese.  If that were the case, I’d have sold my soul and signed up years ago.  Your life would be you whining about all the things you’re not getting and him drinking non-stop to try and shut-out your incessant baby talk.

During lunch, Courtney addresses her behavior with the other girls.  She says she feels badly for treating the girls badly at times.  She doesn’t feel bad about it.  At all.  She feels badly that she got caught.  And somehow she’s the victim as she tells it.  But Ben doesn’t want to discuss it because they are having a good time.  My lord, he has such a separate set of standards for her than he does for the other girls.  I’m now hoping he picks her because he deserves every minute of hell she is going to put him through.

Repeat after me: There are no other women. Only Courtney.

At dinner, Courtney tries again to explain away her behavior.  She is treading water so hard right now.  There is a lot of crazy paddling going on underneath even though it looks all serene on top.  And she is now saying her bad behavior is because of trust issues.  She’s not being fake with him.  He gets to see the real Courtney.  This should be the time the alarms go off and he realizes she’s crazy.  But no.  He says that he’s not concerned about her being fake.  He’s concerned about hearing those other things from the girls.  He needs support from her.  Ugh, he’s such the girl in this relationship.  He also says that he has lots of women friends… his mom and his sister… and he needs that when they get home.  Courtney says she gets that but there’s more good than bad in their relationship.  And that answers his concerns how?   Of course he doesn’t care that she in no way, shape or form acknowledged his need for her to accept the women in his life.  He’s such a sucker.  I’m seriously waiting for her to turn to the camera and laugh maniacally.

OK, let’s get on with the Fantasy Suite, which Ben says is a big step for them. How is the Fantasy Suite a big step after you’ve gone skinny dipping?  Ben asks how she feels about that and she answers by asking him how he feels.  This bitch is good.  If I didn’t have to look at her make those weird faces or hear her baby talk, she’d make an amazing Bachelorette.  Imagine it… Bachelorette: Black Widow Edition.

That Tricky Thing Called Closure

Wait, I didn't give you a Fantasy Suite key.

Oh right, I totally forgot that Kacie B comes back.  They kept trying to convince us that it was Courtney in the previews but didn’t we all know it was Kacie B.  Is it contractual now that someone comes back every season?  Though I do like Kacie B.  She’s a much better surprise than Bentley… or Shawntel.  Kacie flew all the way to Switzerland to get some answers.  I’m assuming one of those answers would be to last week’s question of “What the f**k just happened?”  There’s part of me that gets the “getting answers” thing and there’s the part of me that says, do you need to hear why someone doesn’t like you?  He picked three women over you.  Kinda pretty much all you need to know.  Please take what’s left of your dignity and don’t knock on Ben’s hotel room door.  No, stop.  Stop, I say!  And she knocks.

After Ben throws a “holy shit” in her face and begrudgingly lets her in, she tells him that she was so stunned by what happened last week at the rose ceremony because she really felt a connection with him. He says they are worlds apart about where they come from.  Told you it was the family!  He also says he couldn’t give her all of the things she needed.  She replies that she knows that her family is conservative but she is her own woman.  She feels like if she & Ben would have had the chance to talk after the home date, they could have sorted through some of this.  Ben is unmoved.  And here’s my favorite part:  He has the balls to say to her, “Did I see you being there in the end?  No.”  What a douche.  He was protecting her?  More like he was protecting his new daddy fantasy.

Maybe if I assume the missionary position outside his hotel room door, he'll come around.

But Kacie’s not done…  Before she leaves and goes gently in to the night, she pulls a “Now that you don’t want me, let me take Courtney down.”  Muhahahaha….  Nice touch.  Ben is not pleased with this being that he just finished convincing himself Courtney was genuine.  He walks Kacie out and can’t shut the door behind her fast enough.  Poor Kacie is overcome by the vapors and has to take a moment… on the hotel floor.  Aw, Kacie B, peel yourself off that disease-ridden carpeting and come on over.  I’ll pour you a bourbon and we can share a sad story.

Rose Ceremony

C'mon girls, acknowldege me. I'm trying to convince Ben I'm nice.

Chris sits down with Ben before the ceremony and talks about Ben’s week.  Ben was having a great week until Kacie B showed up.  Now, he’s confused and bothered.  Chris asks if he wants Kacie B to be in the rose ceremony.  Ben says no.  He doesn’t want Kacie in the ceremony because he’s mad at her.  He’s mad at her for ruining his image of Courtney.  And he still hates her family.  OK, he said no he feels like he had a good week with the other women and stands by that.  Chris asks Ben, “Where’s your head at?”  Uh, that would be up Courtney’s ass, Chris.

Staying:  Lindzi  & Courtney

Going:  Nicki… and Kacie B for the second time

God he’s a fucking idiot.  Pardon my French, but it was warranted.  Though Nicki didn’t do herself any favors by wearing that dress.  Girl, that was not your best look.  And how about Courtney getting all huggy with Nicki?  So fake.  I liked her better when she was heinous.  Well, openly heinous.

Bottom Line: 

Next week it’s reunion time and the girls tell all.  I wonder if Blakeley will bring her Ben storybook.

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