One Sentence Summary: Slade takes his stand-up routine to the Improv but proves once again that he’s far from a stand-up guy.
Rachel: I think we’re getting to the point in the season where lines are going to be drawn. The women have all been getting along too well. Peggy’s gone so we don’t have her and Alexis sparring over Jim anymore. Tamra and Gretchen are friends so no drama there. This all can’t last. Bravo is paying them too much money to get along. Thankfully Slade is still around to piss people off and create tension in the tenuous truce between Gretchen and The Vickra (The new name of the unholy alliance between Vicki and Tamra). Let’s see how much damage he can do with his comedy routine to that truce… and our senses.
Tamra stops by Vicki’s post-painting party storm-out and wants to know what was up with that. Vicki is just over everybody and is pretending she has no idea what Tamra is talking about. Always a great strategy; after a temper tantrum, just pretend it didn’t happen. After a few minutes of pretending she is fine, she finally asks Tamra what’s up with her & Gretchen. Tamra says they made up and Vicki pretends she happy to hear that. She just doesn’t like how Tamra behaves around her and starts imitating Tamra by screaming and carrying on. Then she asks her if she knows what a brown-noser is because she has her nose so far up Gretchen’s ass it’s turning brown. Wow, she’s an idiot. Do you know what a green-eyed monster is, Vicki? I feel like I’m watching an episode of 90210. This is so high school. And now Vicki says she loves Alexis. They do everything together. They give back to the world together. Say what? I’m waiting for her head to do a 360. For real, she cray cray. As if she’s not wound up enough, Tamra gives her sex toys as a gift. That’s it. She’s off on a rant about the bible and propriety. My God, I thought I had relaxation issues. Vicki is wound so tight she’s seriously going to crack in half.
Over on the social climbing side of town, Alexis is meeting Heather for sushi. Trying to impress Heather, Alexis follows her lead; I’m not ordering liquor unless she orders liquor. During the “get to know you” portion of lunch, Alexis tells Heather she’s a reporter. Heather asks if she’s more Jillian Barbieri or Katie Couric. Alexis says Jillian and is offended by the question. Heather assumed it was the answer since she “doesn’t seem that cerebral.” Ya think? That’s putting it mildly. Alexis says her husband has the final say on what happens in their marriage and Heather starts hearing the theme from The Twilight Zone. Heather calls Alexis an enigma. Alexis calls Heather “floity toity” and thinks she’s better than everyone. Well, she may not be better but she certainly is smarter. I don’t see this friendship going into BFF territory any time soon.
Oh boy, here we go with the Slade stand-up. He’s trying his routine out on his mother. Mom is less than amused. He’s doing a National Geographic routine about him being the Housewife hunter and tries out a few jokes. Mom says that the dogs are more entertaining than he is and with one line mom is funnier than son. This may not be his future she tells him. He ignores her and drops the “I’m gonna propose to Gretchen” bomb on mom. She’s not that into that either. She doesn’t want her son marrying his “boss”. Mom nails it.
In other dysfunctional relationships, Eddie wants to know if Tamra wants to move in with him. She wants to know what happens if it doesn’t work out. Way to be positive and excited. She’s concerned because her divorce isn’t final. He says I’m not asking you to marry me. Then she asks every man’s favorite question, “Where is this going?” And he gives the stock answer every man gives, “We’re taking this one step at a time and getting closer to each other.” She’s screwed up twice and doesn’t want to screw up again. Living apart prevents you from screwing up? I’m gonna have to disagree on that one.
Back over at comedy central, Slade is still working on his act. He’s got a new segment called “In The News” where he show pictures of the other Housewives on the internet and makes fun of them. Oh yeah, Slade is going to take the other women down and get his due. Gretchen is begging him not to, but he’s not interested in her pleas. He’s such a moron. How is she still with him? Please give me one thing about Slade that is appealing. One. Can’t do it, can you?
We’ve arrived at the Improv and I kinda want to fast forward because this is going to be so painful. Gretchen’s friend Sarah and Alexis have shown up for the train wreck. Oh God, Heather is there too. She’s not going to appreciate this at all. At all at all. Gretchen was told to do some comedy of her own during her hosting and she gives it a shot… and misses. Seems she missed half the joke & so did the audience. Now, it’s Slade’s turn. And it’s as bad and mean-spirited as expected. Alexis found it hilarious. She may be the only person on the planet. Thankfully, there are real comedians on stage tonight for the paying customers. Finally, there is a funny guy and Alexis misses every joke. Sometimes I think ditzy women fake it but “ditzy” is the only part of Alexis that is real.
Eddie & Tamra have gone to a fondue restaurant but Tamra only wants to eat a chicken breast. Eddie says he wants them to enjoy the dinner and she says she doesn’t enjoy food. Are you serious? Dear God, these women suuuuck. Eat a freaking piece of cheese! Enjoy life! You may actually find yourself smiling from something other than talking smack. And just to add to the good time Tamra’s having she tells Eddie she needs more time before she can live with him. She has seen how another person in her Simon’s life has affected her kids. She also wants more for her life. She wants to be independent. She wants to do something for herself, though she doesn’t know what that is. Eddie understands and says he won’t hold her back. This man has to be on valium. I’m not dating her and my head is spinning.
Vicki meets Brianna for dinner and immediately is riding her like the Lone Ranger about her dating life. She wants Breanna to date a boy without tattoos. Breanna likes boys with tattoos but isn’t interested in dating anyway. She tells Vicki that she wants her mom & Don to work things out. Vicki says she tried to make it work with Don but he isn’t fighting for her. She offered counseling and he said no. I hate to ever identify with Vicki but it’s a crappy crappy feeling being with a man that won’t fight for you. There’s no way to win in that situation ever. But Breanna isn’t happy to be the product of two divorces. Gee, wonder why she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. On top of her broken home issues, she’s also been sick for the last three years. Poor girl. She will be having surgery to get her thyroid removed. Seems she has tumors growing and spreading on her lymph nodes. Yikes. That’s no joke.
Backstage, Slade defends himself over the nastiness and Alexis is beating his drum as well. As far as she’s concerned, he was hilarious. Please don’t encourage him. Gretchen is less enthusiastic about her man’s performance. Things don’t get better on the ride home. Gretchen isn’t interested in him blowing sunshine up her ass about how great she did. She wants him to understand what his actions mean for her and the other women. He says he did it for them. She says it’s not about us, it’s about you. She’s trying to make amends and he had to go there. No part of Slade is listening to her. He is convinced that the women are the reason he can’t get a job and this is his retribution. Really? They’re the reason you can’t get work? How about GET OFF TV! I guess tonight won’t be the night he proposes.
Well I knew that peace in the OC couldn’t last. Not as long as Slade Smiley is around.