One Sentence Summary – The hunting gloves are off and Bonnie has declared war on Leslie who, now friendless, has all the time in the world to focus on her pageant business.
Rachel: Here I am again, on my own, while my partner is off in Aruba drinking champagne and trying not to look directly at the men in Speedos. Seriously, it’s like staring directly into the sun. It will blind you if you’re not careful. But while she wiles away in the sun, I sit here dutifully watching our Southern belles try and take each other down a peg. So, when the time comes to vote on your favorite Winey Bitch of all-time, just remember who was here for you painstakingly taking you through your favorite shows and who was selfishly chilling by the pool with a tropical drink in her hand. Sorry, these bitches gets me fired up. Let’s see what they’re up to tonight…
CSI-Don’t Think So
We find Bonnie in her – I hope – garage with a scary looking dummy face down on a table. Seems she is working on a murder mystery novel, her fifth book, and is researching blood spatter patterns. I had zero idea that Bonnie has written four books. Anyone want to start a book club and read one? She does have a masters so maybe they won’t be horrible… Well, we can drink lots of wine and pretend to discuss the complex storyline and the surprise twist ending of “The Chronicles of Zombie Town”. But speaking of blood spatter – Bonnie tells Whitney that she got her an interview with a Dallas plastic surgeon. Having an internship will look good on her medical school application. Say what? Look, I’m not the kind of person that thinks because you have tattoos and use a lot of foul language that you must be an idiot (Mostly because I have tattoos and use foul language), but I can say with 100% certainty that I would not want Whitney holding the knife during my facelift. Whitney’s not into it but seems she doesn’t have a choice. Anyway, let’s beat Pa-Leslie, that’s the dummy’s name, with a golf club and spray fake blood all over each other. Ah, mother-daughter bonding.
And Speaking of Role Models
So, Kalyn is actually going to college. I guess this whole Miss America thing isn’t a totally bad idea if she’s actually getting an education. Kalyn says school is hard. Leslie tells her that if she needs a tutor, she will get her one. A cute one. Yes, because it’s a proven fact that the quality of the learning is in equal proportion to the hotness of the tutor. Apparently you need a 4.0 to be Miss Dallas, the stepping stone to Miss America. Guess no one told Miss South Carolina that (Click here for those that don’t remember this gem). I can’t wait until we get to the talent portion of the training. That’s gonna be genius! But enough about that, Leslie is more interested in talking about how Bonnie wronged her. Good thing you have your goddaughter at home since you’re officially out of friends. Seriously Kalyn, is your mom that bad that this is the better option?
Just Puttin’ Around
The girls are mad at Connie for being late for their meeting because they all have so much to do. Really? What exactly do you have to do with the rest of your day? Connie & Melissa’s daughters are turning 16 and they are planning a joint birthday party. They have a lot to do to get it done and Connie, being the master of all party planning, is in charge. Of course her being late all the time and overwhelmed by her schedule worries Melissa. What if Connie can’t handle it? Whatever will they do? Insert the Connie getting fired & Deaynni getting hired storyline that we can see coming a mile away. C’mon guys, give us a little mystery. Wait, am I understanding this conversation correctly? If one daughter gets a car for her 16th, the other one has to too? Are you serious? I don’t think this is what Hillary Clinton had in mind when she said “It takes a village.”
Where Do You See Yourself In Five Years
Whitney goes in for her interview and runs into Connie who is getting Botox because she was “feeling tired”. Seriously? That’s hilarious. I had no idea The Tox gives you an energy boost. They should market that. Guess Connie isn’t too busy for a little “pick-me-up”. Whitney goes into the interview and aces it… And by aces it, I mean cracks some bad jokes. Julie, the office manager, is not amused. But I have a feeling Julie is amused by very little. The doctor is not feeling very comfortable with Whitney, but he’s a friend of the family and he wants to help which translates to “I want my practice on TV”.
Back at the Verona Apts, Leslie gives Kalyn her application for Miss Dallas. She needs to fill that out… And she needs to get a job… And she needs to study… And she needs to work out… I guess she doesn’t need to sleep or actually enjoy being 18 years old. See all of the hard work is good for Leslie’s business. No such thing as a free ride Kalyn. Personally, I think all this hard work is good for Kalyn ending up on Celebrity Rehab a few years down the road.
P.S. – I looked up the Verona Apartments in Dallas and they rent for about $2k a month for a 2 bedroom and there is nothing green about them as far as the website is concerned. Just more Leslie nonsense.
You’ve Been Replaced
After Connie shows up late to another party-planning event and confesses to having lost the Ruby Room venue, Melissa has had enough and hires Deaynni to take over the planning. (OK, I cannot keep typing Deaynni so here to forth she shall be known as ChaCha.) Who could have seen that coming? Oh yeah, the entire viewing audience. Melissa drops the news on Connie when they meet for a cake tasting and, needless to say, she’s less than thrilled. It doesn’t help when ChaCha shows up and suggests a luau-themed party with all the girls in bikinis and hula skirts. Swing and a miss.
Maddie & Kalyn meet to study at the country club. Someone please explain this manicure trend to me. It looks like your nails are wearing chef’s hats. Hideous. Anywho, Maddie is upset about her mother not wanting her to have a car. It’s not a 16th birthday without a car. Really? That’s so weird. I have this memory of having a 16th birthday without a car. There were lots of people, we played badminton in the backyard and I do recall eating cake. But no, no car. Yet, I am still pretty sure it happened. I think I even enjoyed it! Ah, the golden days of yore…
Tyler comes to town and we’re told by Leslie that it’s so he can help her with her pageant business. Just what any 21-year-old boy wants to do. But we all know that he’s in town to start a scene with Whitney. He’s playing the innocent victim to Kalyn, but I’m not sure anyone associated with Leslie is an innocent anything. But before he can go stir things up, he has to help Leslie come up with a name for her pageant business. Leslie comes up with “Life’s A Pageant” and that’s all she needs to hear. Her tagline: Get your pageant on. Collective groan.
They Actually Make Me Work At My Job!
Whitney goes to her internship and finds out that part of her job is cleaning the toilets. She also has to cover her tattoos. And um, she has to put together marketing materials. Oh and do some filing. Wow, these people are slave drivers! Call the cops! How dare they make Whitney do all this hard work. She’s had enough and goes running home to mommy. Upon hearing this, Jason, her stepfather, tells her to suck it up. It’s called a job. Bonnie, on the other hand, coddles Whitney. They ignore Jason by blowing each other kisses. Is Jason the only person on this show with a functioning brain? I think so.
Whitney finally gets to work with a patient and brings her cellphone along for the ride. Need we tell you that it starts ringing in the middle of a the patient’s sentence? At least, Whitney has the sense to not answer it. Then the receptionist comes in to tell her she has an emergency call from Tyler. I guess he really wants back on the show. She has no idea how he found her at work. I believe he found you when the producers said here is your storyline for the season. The doctor isn’t pleased that someone used the word “emergency” in a medical building & warns her to not let it happen again. And here we get a lesson on the limitations of the First Amendment. Don’t scream “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater and don’t say “Emergency” in a plastic surgeon’s office. And you thought you weren’t going to learn today.
They Got Me A Friend!
Leslie and Kalyn go over to ChaCha’s house for a play date. ChaCha needs a friend and Leslie needs a friend so bam insta-friends. We also get to meet her kids who only answer when screamed at at ear-piercing noise levels. Leslie now has someone to vent to about Bonnie and poor ChaCha has been enlisted. She has no idea what she’s getting into. Upstairs, Kalyn is trying to hook Amber up with Tyler. Man, how lucky is Tyler that he’s getting to sleep his way through the BRT cast? Well, lucky and hopefully up on all his shots, though Amber seems like she might have her shit together. I think she actually said she’s more interested in getting good grades than partying. I’m not sure since hearing something intellectual on a reality TV show confuses me.
My Super Sweet 16
It’s time for Maddie & Grace’s party and I feel like I’m watching My Super Sweet 16. They show up in a limo that Pam rented for them as a gift and are greeted by screaming teenagers. Connie isn’t going to give ChaCha any credit and says she thought the party would be more Three Ring Circus than Cirque Du Soleil. What were you planning on doing Connie? Hiring a clown to make balloon animals? It’s their 16th not 6th. Seems we no longer say happy birthday with a cake and candles. Now, we say happy birthday with new cars and fireworks. This is the value system we’re giving our children. No for real, I’m getting up on my soapbox. I just do not get where these parents think they’re doing their kids favors by catering to their every whim and spending tens of thousands of dollars on birthday parties. It’s insane to me. Anyway, Melissa is unhappy that her ex bought her daughter a car against her wishes (values! yay!) and tells Maddie to give her the keys. While I think she’s right, I don’t think she should have done it in front of the other kids. Take it up with dad. Do you really think a kid is going to be like oh yeah mom, you’re right. I don’t want a car. Here are the keys.
But those weren’t the only fireworks at the party that night. After a confrontation at the country club earlier in the day, Tyler and Whitney get into it again at the party. Whitney would like him to leave her general vicinity and to stop calling her. He does what Tyler does which is just kinda smirk and pretend nothing phases him. Because the adults don’t know how to let their kids fight their own battles, Leslie steps in and tells Whitney to take her drama elsewhere. Bonnie isn’t having Leslie talking to her daughter and tells her she knows she’s only there to pimp out her son. Leslie, taking the high road, calls Whitney tacky. After a few “bring it bitch” looks, Bonnie & Whitney stomp off leaving a waft of glitter eyeshadow and pressed powder in their wake.
Is it just me or was the acting especially bad tonight? I know we’re talking scripted reality and not Emmy drama, but c’mon.