One Sentence Summary – The first ladies of Dallas are back for a whole new season of back-stabbing and living up to Texas stereotypes.
Rachel: So excited for the Real Housewives of Dallas…. er, I mean Big Rich Texas tonight! Now, that I can finally tell all the blondes apart, I can just follow the stories. OK, I still get Leslie and Melissa mixed up but I think I should be good by the end of tonight. Seriously, it took me a solid 3 episodes last season to be able to tell the blondes apart. I still don’t have a great grasp on what daughter belongs to what mom other than Whitney & Bonnie. I can only imagine what it was like in the editing room when they started on this show. But let’s be honest, we’re all back because we all really want to find out if Leslie is the fraud Pam is hell bent on proving she is.
Melissa: OK, so I’m going to be the weak link here as I have no clue who these ladies are nor can I keep track of who is who… So much blonde hair!! I also get that this is Style’s answer to Bravo’s Real Housewives, so hopefully these ladies live up to Bigger and Better in Texas.
Just Another Day On The Range
What Happened: Melissa, Pam & Connie reunite out on the range to shoot some skeet, catch up on each others lives and do a little gossiping. After some pleasantries, Pam asks Connie what she learned this summer about her cousin Leslie’s claims of being the owner of several large pieces of real estate. Turns out that the Leslie Birkland that owns property in Washington state is Asian, which clearly our fair Leslie is not. This gives Pam the first piece in her plot to take Leslie down.
Rachel: Ok, I really want Leslie to be telling the truth about all her properties mostly because I can’t stand Pam; not because I particularily like Leslie. But hearing that Connie found out that the real Leslie Birkland is Asian, it’s not looking good for her… or me. Who tells a lie that stupid? I mean we are living in the Internet age. There pretty much isn’t anything you can’t find out online about someone; especially something of public record like real estate. I actually think I saw Pam salivate at hearing the news. Anyone else scared of these women?
Melissa: I’m already liking how these ladies get together to shoot shotguns… No really, love them right now. Though I can’t differentiate who anyone is. The gossip apparently will circle around Leslie and her claims of owning all sorts of properties and rolling in bling. So hey, when you roll in cash, do you often downsize to an apartment and sell your sports car for a Prius (no offense intended to any Prius peeps)?
Well, This Seems Like A Reasonable Story
What Happened: Bonnie stops by to see Leslie’s new home. Seems she’s downsized a bit from her last home… You know, like by 12,000 square feet. Leslie says she just didn’t need all that space since her son Tyler is back living in Seattle. Besides, the new condo is eco-friendly which is what sold her on the spot. In fact, she’s so committed to the environment that she traded her Corvette in for a Prius. Bonnie nods as if she understands but is really confused by the story, as we all are. But Bonnie is there to let Leslie know that she will be renewing her vows with her husband of 18 years, since 18 years is such a special anniversary. Is that the Botox Anniversary? She asks Leslie to be her Maid-of-Honor. Um, ok.
Rachel: Uh, there’s downsizing and then there’s this. You could park Leslie’s entire condo in the foyer of her last home. What was the point of renting that thing in the first place? Tyler’s gone so she doesn’t need that much space… How much space exactly does your son need exactly? I mean I don’t know any teenage boy that needs 10,000 square feet of his own space… Well, except for maybe Ricky Stratton. As for the Corvette-Prius swap, I can buy that. I traded in my Saab for a Prius when gas in LA was almost $5/gallon and I seriously love it. I would marry my car if I thought I could register for that. Um, I had no idea Bonnie had a husband. Did we meet him last season and I just forgot?
What I Did This Summer
What Happened: It’s time for the Fall Gala Cocktail Party at the Country Club, which is code for “get all the ladies in one room”. We are introduced to the new cast member, Deaynni, who is coming to the Club as the new party planner. This does not sit well with Connie who is the social chair and won’t stand for anyone getting in her way. This is also how Connie will get her own story line this season. Deaynni is completely undeterred and is ready to take over the Annual Pheasant Hunt. Meanwhile, Pam hears that one of the Club’s investors pulled out and immediately assumes it’s Leslie. One more piece to her puzzle. Feeling rather empowered, she confronts Leslie who says she chose to open a Pilates studio instead. Say what? Bonnie comes to her defense and the confrontation immediately escalates into a profanity-laden screaming battle. Pam storms out in a cloud of F-bombs, which is, of course, how any lady would behave themselves in this situation.
Melissa: So, Pamela is the mean girl of the pack so far… I like her! Well, since I’ve see her with a shotgun, I’ll play close to my chest to avoid getting her angry with me. The new Party Planner Deaynni has some serious chiclets, and that laugh… What the? OK, so this Leslie chick said she was going to invest in the club and then backed out… Adding support to the not so rolling in it image she’s trying to portray. Alright, I’m slowly getting it… Very slowly. Oh my… Am I back in Jerseylicious? There’s all sorts of fingers wagging and yelling. I don’t get it, but I like it!! Oh but I wish I knew why these ladies hate each other to truly appreciate the cattiness!
Rachel: Exactly where did everyone go for the summer? Is there a Texas version of the Hamptons I don’t know about? Or are we just supposed to believe that they all went away and no one saw each over the summer leaving room for “where have you been since the last episode” story lines. Anyone else think Deaynni looks like Cha Cha Digregorio’s long lost sister? Wow, those are some choppers. And wow, that’s a laugh. I thought a hyena was in the room. So it is Leslie that backed out… Yeah, I’m starting to think Leslie is quite the cuckoo banana. But that certainly doesn’t excuse Pam’s behavior. She has zero class. Zero. She’s such an angry pathetic person. Who spends this much time trying to “take people down”? That’s quite a mouth on her.
Here She Comes, Miss America
What Happened: Hot on the heels of her announcement that she is using the money for the Club elsewhere, Leslie sits Kaylin down and tells her that she’s going to be Miss America. That’s right, Leslie is going to coach her all the way to pageant glory, which will help her with her coaching business. Wait, what happened to Pilates? She also tells Kaylin that she’ll have to enroll in college because, even though it doesn’t really matter, the pageant judges like to think the girls are smart. Way to be an upstanding role model, Leslie. Thankfully, Kaylin has a few people in her world that are actual positive mentors for her; one being Melissa. Melissa tells her that beauty fades and college is important so that she has something to fall back on. Thank you Melissa for being the voice of reason.
Rachel: Wait, now Leslie is telling Kaylin she should be Miss America? I’m not sure what’s going on with her but she’s seriously rocking the cuckoo clock. Who in their right mind tells a kid to just pretend to go to college? This poor girl is surrounded by bad influences. Thankfully, Melissa is the voice of reason in her life. Someone please save this child from Leslie.
Melissa: So Leslie’s solution to the mean girls at the club is to have her goddaughter win Miss America? OK, brilliant plan! Well constructed and completely doable! I’m beginning to see why they might not like you.
Mama, I’m Coming Home
What Happened: Whitney, who left Dallas to be with Tyler in Seattle, wants to come home. Seems she caught him texting other girls. When she confronted him about it, he told her he was only dating her because his mother (Leslie for those at home) told him to so her social status would go up. Needless to say, Whitney chose not to stick around and work it out. So, she calls Bonnie to tell her she’s coming home. While Bonnie is thrilled to have Whitney home, her husband wishes Bonnie would force Whitney to become a responsible adult by getting a job or going back to school. Meanwhile, Whitney comes home and tells Bonnie that she left because Tyler cheated and she couldn’t take how stupid he was. She also confirms that Leslie didn’t sell her home a few months ago like she is telling everyone by showing mom sales records online. She fails to mention the social-climbing fix-up though. One has to wonder why… and wonder how long until she finds out anyhow.
Melissa: So she followed her boyfriend to Seattle (Leslie’s son), and he tells her the only reason he dated her was because his mother wanted him to so she could get in with the Country Club ladies? Oh LORD, I do NOT miss CC ladies! And you leave out the pivotal part of the story where Leslie set you up? Why Whitney, why?? You want to make a case for yourself. Lead with that. You’ll tell Hannah but not your own mother??. Pssst, Hannah is Pam’s daughter, you don’t think she’s going to run to mom with the details?? She’s a good little sleuth though finding out Leslie’s house was sold in 2005, and not just a few months ago like Leslie claims. Oh, Bonnie… Why can’t you see through all the blonde and capped teeth?
Rachel: Hey, it’s Bonnie’s husband! He looks like he should be the lead singer of an indie rock band. And he seems like he’s the only one in the house with a good head on his shoulders today. Look, I love me some Bonnie but it drives me crazy that she lets Whitney talk to her with such disrespect. You’re a freaking PhD! How can you be dumb enough to let her behave that way?
The Six-Figure Shotgun
What Happened: Pam & Connie go shopping for gear for the upcoming Pheasant Hunt. Pam only buys high-end hunting gear and admires a shotgun that sells for $130,000. No, that’s not a typo. Meanwhile, over in the low-rent district, Leslie & Bonnie shop for some less pricy gear. While Leslie considers pink camouflage, Bonnie questions her about her real estate investment. Seems the wheels are starting to turn in Bonnie’s head and she’s getting suspicious of Leslie’s stories.
Rachel: High-end hunting clothes? $130,000 for a shotgun? My Lord, I have never felt so liberal in my life. Seriously, I need to go drive my Prius to the yoga studio and meditate over some organic quinoa. I’m just glad my girl Bonnie is starting to see Leslie for the looney-tune she is.
Melissa: Seems Bonnie will happily believe Leslie’s stories on why she didn’t tell her she was backing out. Bonnie, my dear, this will not end well for you when the CC chicas all turn on you. And they will turn on you.
Reach For The Stars
What Happened: Pam’s daughter, Hannah, sits down and tells her parents that she is dropping out of college in Missouri. Instead, she will be attending a two-year college in Los Angeles from which she will be able to transfer into one of the big universities. Mom & dad aren’t thrilled but are willing to give her a shot provided she keeps her grades up and transfers to a better school after the two years. And while she has her mother’s attention, Hannah (best friends with Whitney) tells her that Leslie put her son up to date Whitney. Ah, the crowning jewel in Pam’s “Take Down Leslie” puzzle has just been served to her on a silver platter.
Melissa: WOW, that’s a bit of a bomb drop. I think if I rolled home with that one I wouldn’t have seen the light of day for the entire summer. The cherry on that sundae is lying to the folks about acceptance! Oh, well-played girl conveying the Leslie story to mom. Such a juicy tidbit for her bag of tricks.
Rachel: So Hannah wants to go to Santa Monica Community College… Yeah, I think she just would rather live in Cali than Missouri. Can’t say as I blame her but talk about a step down from Missou. Again, not loving Leslie but it’s so gross how Pam smiles at someone else’s misfortune. Talk about the cat that ate the canary. I’m surprised she didn’t start rubbing her hands together and laughing maniacally.
My Enemy’s Enemy Is My Friend
What Happened: It’s the day of the Club’s Pheasant Hunt and Deyanni manages to impress Connie with her choice of location. Well, begrudgingly impress. Whitney has to stay back since she is on probation at the club for bringing a gun on premises last season and Bonnie chooses to stay with her at the lodge. Pam, who didn’t go out with the first group, see her opportunity to ruin Leslie’s last friendship. Under the guise of trying to mend fences, Pam tells Bonnie about Leslie’s ploy to use her daughter to gain social status. Needless to say, Bonnie doesn’t take kindly to that kind of information and storms the shooting range with Whitney. She confronts Leslie who denies the story (obviously) and accuses Bonnie of believing Pam over her. Bonnie isn’t interested in hearing what she has to say and leaves with Whitney giving Leslie a couple birds of her own.
Rachel: I’m sorry, I can’t even take this hunting. It’s making me cringe that they’re actually showing birds being shot. I mean how is this fun? And I’m not Miss Animal Lover either. Seriously. I’m not. I think PETA are a bunch of terrorists, but this is ridiculous to me. Are they having pheasant under glass for dinner? I certainly hope so. So Pam plays like she wants to make peace with Bonnie… Hmmm… More like wants to stir the pot. And stir she does. Personally, I think Leslie needs to be run out of town too, but mostly for wearing that ridiculous hat. What on earth is going on there? Oh, and BTW Leslie, Bonnie’s not believing Pam over you. She’s believing her daughter over you. You’ll never win that fight.
Melissa: DAMN, Whitney can’t shoot because of her CC probation (and it’s a CC event – even though it’s only about a dozen people). OK, now you all know I’m a fan of guns – at the rang – but I kinda have to checkout when it comes to the pheasant killing. It’s cool, just not my scene. With Leslie gone, Pam of course will dish dirt to Bonnie. Nice, is it your place woman? But, oh, well-played and now Bonnie is on a tear… Wonder if they’ll let Whitney have a gun now?? Oh, this is awesome! What a great confrontation! You go mama bear. Please Bonnie, take a swing. I love this fight while all the ladies are standing around with their guns… This is great!!
Rachel: My girls are back and bitchier than ever. I love rich redneck drama.
Melissa: OK, I’m all in now!