One Sentence Summary: The last days of South Africa are upon us, but they’re not all sunny.
Rachel: Sorry I missed you all last week. Some bad news in the family which had to be attended to. But I’m back now and ready to rejoin the ladies on their trip. I do miss the rains down in Africa. Oh wait, that’s Toto, not me. Good song either way. Perhaps the visit to the orphanage last week mellowed out the ladies and we can look forward to them leaving the country of South Africa without totally damaging the reputation of Americans… Well, at least what’s left of it.
Melissa: We’re back for the final week of South Africa and hopefully we get a little more unnecessary drama to really make South Africa collectively cringe when they hear an American accent.
Deep Thoughts with the Housewives
Melissa: It’s nice to see everyone appreciative of all they have in their lives in comparison to the realities of the village and orphanage… Well except for Marlo who can’t get past needing new shrimp.
Rachel: Well, everyone has been humbled by their experience today… Everyone that is except for Marlo. But it is nice to hear them laughing and not screaming at each other because that was painful.
Witch Doctor Says What?
Rachel: Wait, was that NeNe and Sheree sitting next to each other on the van voluntarily? Well, there is something magical about South Africa after all! And apparently old bones are magical as well. Seems the herbalist (or Hep Artist as the ladies call him) can perform all kinds of wonders provided that no women touch his herbs. You keep talking like that and that won’t be the only thing women aren’t touching. Seems this village could use a visit from one Gloria Steinem. Wait, Phaedra went to South Africa without her holy oil and prayer cloth? What was she thinking? Good thing the word “bones” in South Africa apparently means a mixture of shells and dice. Certainly lessens the creepy factor. Too bad it doesn’t actual tell any kind of fortune. I think you’d have better luck taking Dione Warwick’s advice and calling the Psychic Friends Network.
Melissa: Now, you all know I’m no fan of psychics, but Herbalist throwing his ancestors “bones” to tell the ladies about their future is a little shady if you ask me – but just in case, apologies Mr. Herbalist, please do not put the bad juju on me. Seems Kandi’s ex is always with her, Marlo needs to find love, Shereé will not get get married because she’s old – say what crazy man?? NeNe sees the moment going badly and steps up to get her bones read and is told she’s not happy. Methinks the lady doth protest too much about her happiness – don’t argue with the bone man, just let it go NeNe.
Melissa: 29 shoes for a 10 day trip? Who does… Oh… Right, it’s Marlo who needs to be the center of attention. Anywho, Kandi and Marlo bond over the PJ talk about sex. Wait, NeNe gets materialistic and superficial from Kim and NOT Marlo?? Say what? I mean, I know she’s your bestie, but come on!! She brought 29 pairs of shoes and at least 3 (that I can easily see) Birkins and an entire LV luggage display… for a 10 day trip! If that is not the definition of materialistic, I don’t know what is.
Rachel: Ah, how I love a Girls’ Night in. I don’t care what anyone says, women are way naughtier then men when it comes to breaking it down. Way naughtier. And if your girls’ nights never cross into bedroom talk, then you are clearly not drinking enough… and should not invite me over. OK, I don’t necessarily disagree with Kandi that Marlo is materialistic (Does anyone on the planet outside of crazy ass-kissing NeNe disagree?), but if everyone’s having a good time and getting along for a change, why would you take point with her? At the end of the day, who’s it hurting? Just relax and have fun. Lord have mercy, they just are trying to start fights. But the party ends on a high note and the show goes on.
No Safari For You
Rachel: Information I didn’t need to know; Marlo has diarrhea. But I do love that Phaedra just used the word “hoogie” or “hu-ji”. I may have to add that to my vocabulary. This is what happens when you mock the Hap-Artist. You get the hoogie. Ha… Awesome. And while I give a half tip of the hat to NeNe for staying behind, I can’t imagine flying halfway around the world to miss out on the last day’s safari. Does that make me a bad friend? Maybe… I’m cool with that.
Melissa: Um, where the hell did NeNe find gloves?? Does she carry them with her? Phaedra might just be correct and the witch doctor put the “hoogie” on Marlo… Oh wouldn’t that be fun! Anyone else thing she’s playing it up so she doesn’t need to go on safari? Oh, on the safari it’s Cynthia who makes the initial comment that she can’t see Kim in the orphanage holding African babies. Now, Cynthia, what do you have to make it racial with African babies… that has nothing to do with it, Kim barely holds her own child!!
Ladies Who Lunch
Melissa: Of course NeNe comes to make sure to keep Cynthia from being “taken over” by the smalls while she channels her inner Marlo complaining about flies. Um, NeNe… are there no bugs in Atlanta?
Rachel: Did NeNe just ask someone to fan her food for her? Really? Thankfully the chef looked at her like the crazy woman she is and didn’t oblige her that insane request. Again, I have to question why Kandi chooses to bring up negativity about Marlo to NeNe? Look, whether you like her or not, she’s NeNe’s friend and it’s just going to blow up in your face. Seriously, if you even try and talk smack about one of my friends, don’t think for a minute I’m not gonna get my girl’s back. So, just let it go and stop worrying about what Marlo has. Damn Kandi, making me defend NeNe! And let’s not even discuss Cynthia pretending she has no beef with Marlo at all. It’s one thing to talk smack. It’s another to lie about doing it. Girl code.
Some Kim Time
Melissa: Kim is just as shocked that Marlo joined the trip. I completely forgot that was the cause of the argument last year between NeNe and Kim. Oh, way to go Shereé throwing Kandi under the bus that Kandi made the comment about Kim not holding the orphanage kids. You know this is going to bristle with Kim and hopefully will bring a good she said / she said fight. At least Kim knows the ladies are in South Africa… Maybe she should have gone and corrected them on occasion as to where they were.
Rachel: OK, again why do you need to start an argument between friends Sheree? Why? It’s like they need to create drama to feel like they’ve accomplished something during the day… Though it is a bit of karma for Kandi after picking scabs today and last night.
Dinner Without Deep Thoughts
Melissa: Amen Phaedra, what DID happen to all the “we are so blessed”? Let me say a little something here… Leopards DO NOT change their spots… Even when they are on another continent. How is it you think things will change with these nutty ass ladies??
Rachel: Damn, it’s a whole fleet of buses coming at these women. Good lord, why are you all so concerned about how the other women are living their lives? You’d all be so much happier if you just paid attention to what was going on under your own roofs and just enjoyed each others company. Ha, I just read what I wrote. Why would any of these women’s egos take a day off? The only person at that table not engaging with negativity is my girl Phaedra. Someone please give her her own show!
Rachel: I’m exhausted…
Melissa: While I love the safari experience (as this might be the closest I’ll ever get to a safari), I sort of miss crazy Kim.