One Sentence Summary: Battle lines are drawn between Peggy & Alexis (again) and Tamra goes overboard on a boat to Catalina… and doesn’t get wet.
Rachel: Well it’s been a week over here in Winey Bitch land so I apologize for the lateness of this post. I actually watched this on Tuesday night but was so tired that I didn’t actually process anything. I couldn’t possibly leave you all hanging though so here I am giving you the who’s who and what’s what on Week 2 of Orange County Airheads… er, Housewives.
We start back at Vicki’s dinner party with Alexis and Peggy pretending to not hate each other. I love this because they are actually mad at each other over the fact that Peggy dated Jim a million years ago. Does anyone really care? Really? I mean… it’s Jim. Personally, I find the fact that Peggy says “girlfriend” every 30 seconds more offensive than her dating Jim.
Wait, no, hold the presses. Sorry, the most offensive thing at this party is everyone complaining about the food. Look, I’m not sure I’d be down with sucking the head off of a crawfish and calling it dinner, but if I was a guest at your table, you’d never know it. Ever. If I were Vicki, I’d have kicked everyone out of my house. For real, that is such obnoxious behavior. I know I sound like a grandmother – although if we’re talking my grandmother, that’s OK because she’s actually hipper than all of us combined – but I really miss table manners. I do. It’s a lost art. Maybe my next imaginary career will be teaching manners. And yes, I’m aware that I spend a great deal of time talking about other people, which probably doesn’t qualify as good manners, but you’ll never catch me doing it with my mouth full or while holding the wrong fork. Just sayin…
Wait, wait, wait… So, now Peggy is crying because her relationship with Alexis is fake. Gee Peggy, I’m thinking fake is something you’d be comfortable with. It’s sort of like your boobs, or you lips, or your forehead… Shall we continue? Besides weren’t you just talking mad shit about her and her husband last episode? She can’t let it go though so she chases Alexis out of the house and asks if they can talk. Alexis, surprisingly, takes the high road and says she would be happy to talk to her, but at 11pm after drinking wine, it’s probably not the best time. Peggy, of course, doesn’t see it this way and is now over the whole thing and has no interest in having a conversation. And we’re back to talking smack about Jim and how it’s poisoning Alexis. That was fast.
So, now it’s time to meet Heather’s family. I’m hoping this is more charming than her debut at Vicki’s being that she spent a lot of the party mouthing off and being demeaning to the girls. No one likes to be told they’re cute after the age of 14. OK, she’s certainly the richest of the ladies and makes no apologies for it. She’s also part Jewish and part Buddhist making her a Jew-Bu. Ha, I give her a wink for that. I thinks she should start a Jew-Bu movement. I’d be down. Alright, she seems to really love her husband and be an involved parent. So I’m giving her a cautiously optimistic thumbs up.
We catch up with Slade and Gretchen talking about Vicki’s party. Gretchen wasn’t captivated by the new girl (Heather) and didn’t appreciate being called “cute”. Told you. Slade says it’s because she’s 40 and 40-year-olds don’t like women who are 30 because they are jealous. Uh what’s that, Asshat? Just when I didn’t think it was possible to like Slade less, BAM, he finds a way to change my mind. Please someone explain the appeal of this man. I cannot grasp what Gretchen sees in him. But I guess she keeps him around so he can fetch her fake eyelashes and tell her she looks hot while she does a photo shoot for a Breast Cancer charity. When she calls him her “bitch”, she’s laughing but she’s not joking… at all.
Off we go to Catalina with Tamra, Eddie, Vicki & Brooks for Tamra’s birthday weekend. Seems Vicki’s love tank is full again and her only complaint with Brooks is that he wears Crocs. Well, I can’t actually disagree with that. I don’t get Crocs at all… ever. EVER. Please people that aren’t Mario Batali, stop wearing them! Anywho, on the boat ride over, the kiddies decide to do some tequila slammers and drink some champagne to loosen up. And loose they get as Vicki & Eddie start fake flirting. Tamra fails to see the humor and maybe overreacts a bit… How, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. She grabs Brooks’ hand and puts it on her boob. Yeah, that is a reasonable response to your friends joking around. Needless to say, Eddie doesn’t take kindly to that. Sensing that she might be in the wrong, Tamra apologizes. Ha ha.. Sorry, I forgot we’re talking about Tamra who is never wrong. No, in fact, she goes off on Eddie calling him psychotic and telling him what he did was “unreversable”. I swear they must put Botox in her brain. Get it together, woman. He was joking around. You put another man’s hand on your breast. Pretty sure you’re the one that needs to “calm your ass down.” Oh but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out how this ends. Suspense is killing you right? Yeah, me too.
Bottom Line: Yawn… What were we talking about? Oh yeah, OC Housewives.