One Sentence Summary: It’s go time in Belize as the ladies play for hometown dates.
Melissa: Ah, back from my amazing vacation at Harbour Island… You know it’s a good trip when someone breaks out a drunken “Running Man” and “Robot” at the bar. Yeah, THAT kind of trip. What else made it amazing you ask? I’ll tell you… Not once did I have to deal with Courtney and her “I got a rose”/”winning” sing-song! That alone was worth it!! Fingers crossed the ladies have gathered enough ammunition for their coup and she’ll be gone this week. Sadly, we all know that won’t be the case because apparently Ben is smitten by the fact she likes to get naked (eye roll). Anywho, tonight Ben and the ladies head to Belize for this week’s dates and it’s the week before Hometown dates… You better bring it ladies!!
Rachel: Well, we’re down to the cuts that take us on hometown dates. The ever important hometown date where an embalming table or your crazy taxidermist dad might get you cut even if you think it’s cool. While I’m hoping to see Courtney sent packing, I do have her in my Final Four so it’s really a mixed emotion here for me. No, seriously I have gambled (legally, of course) on the outcome of this show and all of my Final Four ladies are still in it to win it. I need Emily & Nicki to go home tonight for this to play out well for me. Oh yeah, the ladies of Bachelor Ben’s season aren’t the only ones invested in the outcome of the show. Courtney’s not the only one that wants to do a “winning” song & dance routine. I’m ready over here for my own winner’s jig. Look, it’s been a long couple of weeks. I get my kicks where I can. You dig?
Welcome To Fantasy Island… Er, Peninsula… Er, Whatever Belize Is
Melissa: Sigh… Again, these ladies don’t deserve these fantastic locations they get to chill in each week, and Ambergris Caye in Belize lives up to Bachelor expectations.
Rachel: So, Ben’s heart is “captivated and captured”. Seriously? Who writes this crap? I mean if it were Fabio standing in front of me, maybe I’d take it a little more seriously… Wait, no I wouldn’t but that would be AWESOME. OK, new petition kiddies; Fabio for the next Bachelor! I have no idea if he’s even single or if he speaks English for that matter, but I’m thinking this would be amazing TV. BTW, I fully disagree with Ben in a sleeveless shirt, but I disagree with pretty much all men in sleeveless shirts. So, there are no roses on the one-on-one dates but on the group date, eh? Never has a group date been more attractive to these girls.
Two Halves Make A Hole… Their Spelling, Not Ours
Rachel: OK, I’m so jealous of them being in Belize. It’s on my Top 10 list of places I still need to see in the world. It’s so insanely beautiful. However, I’m not sure I need to jump out of helicopter into the Great Blue Hole to show my trust in a relationship. It really sounds like the storyline to a bad horror movie. They were just two kids in love when… dun dun dunnnn… they were sucked into the Great Blue Hole. Well, that or it’s Smurf porn. Anyway, I do love that Ben is still surprised that girls are afraid of heights. This is what, the 5th date this season where he has a girl freaking out about falling to her death. Though I’m starting to figure out his game – petrify a girl and you’ll get some lip. I wonder if he made girls jump out of his tree house when he was a kid. Now they’re writing a fairy tale to send out to sea in a bottle… You know Blakeley is at home coming out of her skin because she had magazine cut-outs ready for her fairy tale with Ben. I’m finding it amusing that the story Ben writes is all about Ben as the hero who saves Lindzi with his magical kiss. Drinking your own kool-aid are you there, Ben? Hey, is someone gonna get that bottle out of the water? Pollution people!
Melissa: Wow, anyone notice the frost that set over the ladies when Ben arrives for his date? Meow! Put the claws away girls. You’ll spook the boy. The duo set off via helicopter, and seriously, now all I can think about is Jeffrey Osbourne… DAMN YOU RACHEL! Wait a minute… They have to jump out of a perfectly fine helicopter into what is referred to as the “Blue Hole” for the sake of a date?? Man, this is not a fun start if you ask me. Oh, but Ben is there for his “I’ll protect you” kiss. I’m sorry, but Ryan Reynolds could tell me to jump out of a helicopter with him and I might just tell him to go F himself (even if he was in Blade Trinity shape).
Do You Belize In Love?
Melissa: Seems Emily can’t manage to be secure enough to just own her time with Ben. Why must she keep apologizing for telling Ben about Courtney? He gets it. Move on. It’s like every time she opens her mouth, I’m worried what mess is going to fall out. Thankfully Emily doesn’t put her foot in her mouth when he asks her if she’d like to take him home and manages to just officially invite him without incident.
Rachel: Now, here’s a date I’d actually like to go on. Biking through a beach town and hanging with the locals. Yeah, I’m in… Wait, no I’m not. Scratch that. Diving is not happening in my world. Oh wait, it’s like 3 feet of water. OK, back in. So, if there are any single men out there that want to take me to Belize for a lobster dinner, I’m in. See how easy I am? Wait, not easy easy… more like easy peasy, to use a Ben term. So, is it in Ben’s contract that he has to ask if the girls are ready to bring him home? Are they actually going to say no? But I do like Ben’s toast recognizing that Emily is more than just smart. Ok, add this part to my Belize date, please. Don’t care if it’s scripted, just lay it on me. Remember, easy peasy.
And The Oscar For Best Actress Goes To…
Melissa: I love it. Two dates not for Courtney sends her for a spin. Does it make me an evil person that I am so enjoying watching her cry?? The fact that it’s Emily on a date upsets her even more… LOVE IT!! (Said in her “I got a rose” sing-song) Because she didn’t get a date she now feels she’s not ready to take him home. Nice try girl. We all know you are lying through your capped teeth. Oh, and now she threatens if she doesn’t get a one-on-one she’s not going to accept a rose… OH PLEASE!!
Rachel: Another date card and another moment for Courtney to have a self-centered meltdown. I’m actually at the point where it’s making me laugh. The other girls don’t see the humor like Melissa & I do and are spending their free time sharpening their claws. We’ve reached “This bitch has to go” time. But really, this is just too ridiculous. She doesn’t want to take him home because he may be having fun with Emily. And by not wanting to take him home, you mean you want him to beg you to take him home. She’s such a spoiled child.
Let’s Take The Next Steps In Our Relationship
Rachel: Amazing how the lights turn back on when Courtney gets her one-on-one date card and that snide little laugh comes rolling back in. I imagine baby talk isn’t far behind. Ugh. It’s like watching Sybil Goes On A Dating Show. She’s so playing this game to prove that she can get what she wants. Quasimodo could have been waiting for her and she’d have flashed a boob to win his affections if she knew another woman was interested. And now she’s playing the “You’re about to lose me” card which I’m sure Ben is going to eat up. Any of the other girls pulled this crap, they’d have been bouncing down the stairs of the Temple. But not Courtney, she’s got him so bamboozled that he’s frothing at the mouth to console her. She should teach a class. I’m so not even kidding. She’s got him asking her if he can come home with her. Genius. She did lose a little footing at dinner by ripping on the girls and talking about all her guy friends. Momentary lapse in her game forgetting that he’s also dating said boring chicks. Whoops.
Melissa: Courtney is over the moon over her date, which sends me reaching for the bottle of Bordeaux for a VERY generous top off to get me through this rampant narcissism. Kacie B. is about to take her out… You know I love anyone who dislikes Courtney. Please Courtney, lay it all on the line and demand he give you a rose… COME ON! DO IT! Tell him all your doubts about him. Now Ben, see it for what it is. She’s sacrificing her rook! Sigh… They never see it coming. Here’s my question. I get that she’s pretty, but doesn’t the neediness trump all that? I mean seriously. Oh, and now she’s sending a “kill shot” to all the other girls. A new version of “winning”. If only that was a real gun, then that dumb ass “kill shot” could discharge the brass right into her eye. Oh, sorry. I slipped from evil to violent… Must be the Bordeaux talking. But seriously how funny would she be with an eye patch? Oh, now see here is the 2nd rook for sacrifice: “The other girls aren’t people she would associate with in real life. They are too vanilla and are exhausting her.” And he misses that one too.
Let’s Sea Whose Family I Will Meet
Melissa: Oh Thank you Bachelor producers for the awesome quick shave coverage! I needed to see Nicki in the shower shaving her thighs. Really. Meanwhile, you can completely see the look on Rachel’s face – “I shaved my legs for sharks??” She just earned so many points with me admitting to being worried about sharks being in lakes. No joke, I think I was 12 before I believed there might not be a shark in my swimming pool. But Kacie B. gets the rose and the trip home with Ben. Way to seal the deal girl. Now, you walk up to Courtney and do a little moonwalk and sing “I got a rose… I got a rose… And you can’t have one… Because you su-uck.“ I do love that the ladies lay down the what’s what about Courtney and her motives.
Rachel: Is this the longest episode ever? I feel like I’ve entered a time space continuum where every minute is equal to 5. I just realized there’s 40 more minutes of this insanity. How? Why? How? Anyway, once again, it’s time for Ben to scare the crap out of the girls to prove that love can conquer all. Rachel is not cool with swimming with sharks so Ben is her knight in shining neoprene and holds her hand through the whole date. He’s really got this damsel in distress gig down. And it’s working being that he’s gotten lip with every girl on the show tonight. Kacie B gets the rose and my Final Four is still in tact. Excellent, Smithers. And even though the girls gave Ben another warning about Courtney, I’m pretty sure she’s getting a rose too.
Melissa: Courtney with her usual annoyance tells the ladies how relaxed she is and not worried about the night. Even if she were, she’d still pretend like she wasn’t.
Rachel: I love that Courtney stirs the pot at every chance she gets. Ladies, she’s doing it because she gets a rise out of you. Ignore her. What drives me crazy more than that is the fact that no part of them can rationally look at the situation and say, if this dude is willing to be manipulated by someone like her, maybe he’s not the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. All perspective has gone out the window. As much as this kills me to say, Courtney’s right… This isn’t their last chance at love. Then again, if it were a room full of women with confidence & perspective, none of us would watch.
Staying: Kacie B., Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney.
Going: Emily and Rachel
Rachel: I’m not really understanding what Ben got out of that conversation with Courtney. He wants to giver her a rose. We all know he does. Let’s just accept it and move on with it. And he does… See, 15 minutes of my life could have been saved.
Nooooo! Not Rachel! What were you thinking, Ben? Dammit, now my Final Four is Final Three. Though Rachel wasn’t in my Top Two. So, there’s that. Some might think it’s callous to bet on this but let’s be honest, the odds of there being a long-lasting marriage after this is pretty much nil. Come on, it’s a game and I want to win an iPad… or a… wait, what were the prizes? I don’t remember but I want to win. I want to sing “winning” and shoot fake guns like Courtney.
Melissa: Oh, it’s been brought’n, and Ben I do believe your King is in check… Way to go dumb ass.
Rachel: OK, it’s time to go back to the States and go on home dates. I can’t wait to meet the Courtneys. Yes, the Courtneys.