One Sentence Summary: The blonde brigade is back with the addition of a token brunette.
Rachel: Ok, so historically I have not been an OC fan. I find them to be the most vapid and annoying of the lot of Housewives… and that’s saying something. After watching the reunion last year and witnessing the horror that was Tamra, I swore I would never watch again. But as usual with anything trash TV-related, I folded like a cheap lawn chair. Maybe it was the addition of a brunette that sucked me in – not that half those women aren’t natural brunettes to begin with – but I found myself watching. Since I went through the pain, I figured I might as well share my pearls of wisdom on the subject. How lucky are you?
So, Slade is still hanging around Gretchen and he wants to go to lunch with her even though he’s not invited. Can you say co-dependency? Why not spend some of that time getting a life, Slade. He’s so sleazy. Why is Gretchen with him? And wait, why is the lunch she is going to with Tamra? She’s seriously one of the meanest snakes to ever hit the airwaves. Good luck with that, Gretchen.
Well, I see Vicki is as crazy as ever. She’s still trying to sell her home, and if the lines on her son’s bedspread don’t match the lines on the pillows, no one is going to buy it. Holy OCD, Batman! And Don is living in the house with them, but they haven’t seen each other in two months. Say what? Does he sneak in under cover of night? That’s bananas.
So at the Tamra-Gretchen lunch, we hear that Tamra felt bad about her behavior toward Gretchen after the reunion. Ya think, Tamra? You were a horrible beast with a totally frozen face. You ought to feel bad! So she’s called this lunch for them to call a truce and be friends since Tamra has always liked Gretchen… Bullshit alert! She blames outside influences for her behavior. Of course, it couldn’t possibly be that she was just an angry bitch. But all is forgiven because Tamra bought her a pink friendship bracelet. Nothing says “I’m sorry” like jewelry. Ok, that I might actually agree with. Well, it’s all peaceful in the OC… Just don’t let Vicki know.
We check back in with Alexis who is now a correspondent on Fox for beauty and fashion tips. I’m assuming then that she has learned what couture means by now. But even with her new “career” she still has to take care of Jim, which includes setting his alarm for him… which she forgot. So, she calls him on his cell, but it goes to VM… three times. Her genius of an assistant says, “Don’t you have a home phone?” That’s right, Alexis actually forgot that she has a home phone and then doesn’t actually have her own home phone number. Yeah, another genius hired by Fox.
Back in Vicki-land we find out that Don is suing her for spousal support. Wow, Don, I know you’re angry but are you really asking for support? Come on, take the diaper off, stop crying and move along. She might not have been the most pleasant woman on the planet, but it’s not like you didn’t know who she was from jump. Methinks you might actually be better off…
Finally, we get to meet the new Housewife, Heather, as she & her hubby shop for land for a new home. Her husband looks like something out of American Psycho. Yeah, that’s a little to pressed and coiffed for me. But she seems… fine. I love that Tamra scored a client by the fact that the new cast member wants to buy a house. Now that’s how to do business.
Oh goodie, we get to witness Alexis to live news. Today’s subject: Dr. Booty and the 5 ass shapes named after fruits. Really? Talk about hard-hitting journalism. Wow, this is quite the train wreck. Seems Miss Alexis is as adept at live commentary as she is at remembering she has a home phone. But someday she hopes to be like Katie Keurig… Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s Couric and not a coffee maker. But that’s no matter, Alexis can do anything she wants. She can even fly to the moon if she wants. Crickets. The look on the anchors faces after her segment are priceless.
Tamra meets Heather for coffee and decides that she’s classy, which makes her different than all the girls in our group. Ha, awesome insult to your girls. Since they just happen to be getting along so well, Tamra invites her to Vicki’s party. I mean we know this girl has been hired to be the new cast member. Are we supposed to believe that this is happening naturally?
It’s pre-party time and Team Gretchen (Gretchen, Alexis and random Sarah) gather to discuss Alexis having to face Peggy for the first time since the reunion. Over at Team Tamra (Tamra, Peggy & Heather), Tamra questions Peggy about her pre-Alexis relationship with Jim. Peggy says he was quite the partier before he was Mr. Jesus and all the ladies loved him. Um, I’m confused by that. Have they actually seen Jim? I guess things really are a lot different behind the Orange Curtain.
As the warring factions descend on Vicki’s, we have to wonder a few things… Is Don invited to this party or does he have to stay in his room? And what is Vicki wearing? And what is happening with Tamra’s hair? And why is Peggy here if she’s not on the show anymore? And why are she & Alexis fighting over Jim? So many questions. So little answers as the drama is saved for next week…
Bottom Line: A rather subdued OC premier. Expecting more fireworks next week.