One Sentence Summary: Brace yourselves South Africa, the ladies are storming in.
Melissa: Oh boy… it’s Housewives Trip time!! The ladies jet off to South Africa for the start of a wonderful drama-free vacation. BAHAHAHA… really, I should stop drinking at dinner because I crack myself up by the time the Housewives show up. The only thing that upsets me is I know we’ll be neglecting crazy Kim for the South Africa trip. No, seriously, I really want to see what she does without Kroy… Dare I say it, she might have to change her son!!
Rachel: Oh boy, here we go to Africa. My head already hurts from the noise I’m about to encounter. There’s just no way this is going to go off without a hitch. There is going to be a brawl and I am pretty sure it’s going to have Marlo’s name written all over it. She truly suffers from that disease that prevents people from recognizing the effect they’re having on the people around them. Everyone’s met one or been friends with one of these people. You know, the person that start speaking in a group and fails to see that everyone around them is grimacing. Yeah, that’s Marlo. Whoo, this is going to be a bumpy ride and turbulence has nothing to do with it.
Gooooood Morning South Africa!!
Melissa: Um, why do we care about the ladies taking their make-up off and reading the menu? Sweet Lord woman, at least pretend you’ve been in First Class before in your life. It seems to me that the punchiness of the time spent in the germ tube is getting to them. OK, but wait, you all know I’m a girl who likes to pack, but they are gone for 10 days right? Why the half dozen bags each? No, for real, why? I get you want to make sure you have that one thing you know you’ll forget, but come on, you’re going on safari! I’m thinking Louboutins aren’t really appropriate in the bush. Just sayin’. Their elevator fiasco is enough to make me want to slap someone. Clearly Marlo took whatever Brandi took for RHOBH’s Hawaii trip and won’t shut up.
Rachel: What is happening on Cynthia’s head? Seriously. I get that it’s probably easier to deal with than getting your wig on for 16 hours on a flight, but I just don’t think she’s pulling off the braids. That would be some serious head squeezing in a wig though so I guess I’ll let it slide. And how juvenile is the Smalls vs the Talls? Seriously? Are you going to throw sand in the sandbox now? I probably shouldn’t ask that question. I love that they are hating on Phaedra because she is trying to go with the flow & take the escalator with her luggage. NeNe doesn’t think that’s “fabulous”. NeNe, fabulous doesn’t mean being a bratty diva all the time. Sorry to tell you. Being fabulous is traveling drama-free and handling your shit. I am a classic over-packer and I will drag my own luggage up and down stairs, down crowded sidewalks and up escalators if I have to. It was my choice to bring everything I own and so I deal with it like a lady. And that, my dear, is being fabulous.
Cheers to no Drama
Rachel: Marlo says she must have her own bathroom and there is no other choice? Maybe you should have booked your own trip then. Phaedra’s right that you’re lucky to have a place to lay your head. Ooh, I can’t stand this bitch. And now she’s giving etiquette classes? What exactly is the ladylike way to take a mug shot, Marlo? And as if her crazy wasn’t already on overdrive, now she needs to know who the housekeepers are that are working during her stay. Why, Marlo? Why? Nobody is interested in you. We barely know who you are here in the States. I can promise no one has a clue in South Africa. Oh, and they don’t want your stuff. I hope the housekeepers spit on her sheets.
Melissa: The ladies arrive at the beautiful hotel / apartment and decide who will stay where. Um, why does Marlo need to know about the hotel staff? I’m sure she’s going for the “Diva” approach, but she’s just really coming off like an idiot… Then again, I’m sure she’s heard travel stories from Sonja Morgan about how you need to watch your bags, even with Royalty.
Oh Goodie – Gifts!
Melissa: So I guess for Morocco we had caftains, and S. Africa we’ll get mirrors. I think Kandi nailed it with Marlo trying to cover up her past by pushing “manners” on all the Housewives. Maybe we’ll get a “Covering up your past with Class” book by Marlo… Then she’ll try to launch a singing career.
Rachel: I’m just gonna say that that breakfast looks amazing. However, eating while Marlo constantly prattles on about etiquette and how rich people roll would make me choke on it. Rich people eat jam on toast? Poor as shit people eat jam on toast too you idiot. But I do love that Phaedra steamrolls right over Marlo’s pomposity and drops an “I reached out to a few Kings” trump card on her lap. That and she gave everyone a gift. Very classy. Game, set, match, Phaedra. I’m just surprised that a trump card didn’t cause NeNe to talk about Celebrity Apprentice. Um, yeah Sheree, sorry that was so not cool. Damn woman, why you gotta give the “Talls” ammunition?
We Miss You, Kroy
Rachel: Ah Lawd, Kim’s parents. Her father skeeves me out. So Kroy has made Kim more thoughtful according to her dad. I find this interesting after she just spent the last 10 minutes bitching about how hard her life is actually having to take care of her own children for a month. Wait, is Sweetie your nanny or your assistant? Last I checked she was the assistant but you’re mad because she’s not acting like a nanny? Does she know that you expect her to be both? And do you know that she expects to get paid twice for doing to two jobs if that’s the case?
Melissa: WOOHOO, we get a little Kim, and hot damn she’s holding KJ! Oh, as her parents arrive so she can pass off the baby to one of them. Poor Kim is exhausted having to take care of her baby. Welcome to motherhood, my dear. I see where her Dad is trying to go with talking to Kim about her relationship with Kroy… Wait, she says she has to have a ring on her finger? For what Kim? Surely not to put out. You gave up the milk for free and got knocked up. Just what pray tell do you need a ring for?
I Love It When We’re Cruising Together
Melissa: I’m loving this yacht trip Phaedra (Bravo) scored. Too bad it’s punctuated with Marlo’s constant jabbering. At least they’ll get all the laundry out and confront who doesn’t like who and why. If only it would last…
Rachel: Wait, these women have one day in Cape Town and they didn’t get out of the hotel until 4pm? Um, way to embrace your time in the city. But I guess if you can just see things and point to them from a boat, it counts. Sightseeing lasts about 10 minutes before they go inside where it’s not windy… What a great way to see the sunset and the city. Oh but apparently this is air your grievances time and NeNe wants Phaedra to have an issue with her even though she says she doesn’t. She just needs attention. But that went surprisingly well. I’m shocked. This can’t possibly last.
Rachel: Ooh Cynthia, you pot stirrer. Everyone said they were happy everyone was getting along and you just HAD to go and get it started. This drama is all on your head because you know it’s about to pop off. There is no way Marlo will confront Sheree and it’ll go well. No. Possible. Way.
Melissa: OH, hey now… Cynthia is the one running back with the gossip from the other apartment and the sparks fly.
Oh No She Di’in’t
Melissa: I must say, this Marlo is a ballsy one for getting up into Shereé’s face when she wasn’t even invited to this trip. WOW, I can barely read the fight subtitles fast enough! I do love when they fight their voices go up like 20 octaves. You know for a 3 block radius of their hotel there are dogs cringing, looking around trying to figure out what the ringing noise is. Wait a damn minute, when did NeNe become the sane one in an argument?? Isn’t that the 5th sign of the Apocalypse??
Rachel: And I’m following what Marlo’s saying for a minute until she drops the “F” Bomb. Uh, no no no. Now you are that hood rat bitch you are trying so hard not to be. I didn’t realize that who you are is tied to how many Rolex watches you have, but apparently it is. This is really an entire fight about who has what and how they got it. What does that have to do with dinner? And Marlo is getting with an 80-year-old man to get her bills paid? Ladies, meet Marlo Nicole Smith. That’s a whole level of nasty that I can’t even deal with. Yuck. And then there is NeNe as the peacemaker? This is all kinds of crazy. And what are those voices Sheree and Marlo are screaming in? They sound like they’re channeling Darryl Hannah in Splash.
Melissa: I wish I had a bottom line this week, but I think my ears are bleeding from those voices.
Rachel: 36 hours in Cape Town, 2 conversations about no drama, 1 fight that’s all drama. Sounds about right.